Mother Day - Teenage son's lack of acknowledgement

[AngelLouisa]

Hello. I know that I'm very very lucky to have an offspring, when some can't, or even worse have lost/estranged. But I'm sure I'm entitled to be really upset with him. I'm so upset at the mo that I've googled the question above and joined Mumsnet! My son was 18 on Saturday 2nd April. I organised a surprise birthday lunch for him in one of his favourite restaurants. Uncles, god parents, his best friends who are not old enough to go clubbing yet (all hush-hush) therefore wouldn't be able to go out for his planned night out, which he was gutted about. The day cost in excess of £400 (plus of course presents on top) - then agreed friends and girlfriend could come back and stay after his night out. My partner and I stayed awake just in case of any disasters, girlfriend came home 1am (early), tipsy, so I looked after her, made sure she was safe, sat on her bed with her while she slept etc. Son and friends rolled in at 3am. All safe, I went off to sleep...

Next day was Mothers Day. He was up and okay at 11ish. Cheerful as ever. I joked about my lack of breakfast in bed, so he knew full-well it was Mothers' Day. As the day carried on I realised it was apparent that there was NOTHING from him. Not a card. Not a bunch of daffs. Not even a hug !(I think cos the girlfriend was there). I wondered whether he may have had a hangover but he said he didn't. Said he hadn't got any money for a card - I explained that even a home made one would have done! Even a bunch of weeds (i'm serious!) from the garden would have done. Am so so upset. I do soooooo much for him, and I had to let him know (in the evening when I realised that he wasn't joking about lack of ANYTHING) that I was upset

I'm sure some of you will say that I must have spoilt him, but I truly believe that I have always just cared and yet still instilled respect ! I am strict when I need to be, but loving and guiding at all times, never ever humiliating. Am finding it hard to forgive him.

[mumblechum1]

I would have been very upset too. What did you say to him about it?

[tokenwoman]

i have 2 18 and 19 and have never expected a card or flowers (or got any)my thinking is that there is plenty of time when they are older and Im a lonely old woman who depends on such things, i know my boys love me and respect me and i have firmly told them if they buy me anything supposedly marketed for mothers on mothers day i will drown or suffocate them which ever is easier at the time.
teenage boys are so unthinking they dont mean to be just their vision doesnt seem to scan such things no matter if they are kind, considerate, loving etc normally
if he talks to you, is nice to you, treats you with respect (as much as any older teenage man/boy can to his mother) then thats as much as you can hope for at the moment and if you have raised him to be kind, considerate etc etc etc then you haven't failed as a parent just because he hasnt been arsed to get a card this year
eventually they grow up realising what a wonderful mother youve been and pay you back with love and gifts and cards and flowers (she says ever hopefully!!) and the cost of the nursing home when your incapable

[herdingcats]

I feel your pain ,but I've come to accept my Ds just does not think about Mothers day , or birthday, or even Christmas.
I have never had a birthday card from him ,and last Christmas was the first time ever to get even a card.
This mothers day I got flowers and nearly fainted with shock
I put it down to the fact he has finally grown up ( just turned 20 ) and has a serious GF now. I would lay money on the fact that she told his to get his act together. Be patient your time will come

[IloveJudgeJudy]

I can quite understand why you are upset. YOu should talk about it to him and ask him how he would feel if you didn't get him anything for his birthday/Christmas. Not having any money left is not an excuse. Perhaps you should go on strike and not do things for him for a short while if you feel that would not irreparably damage your relationship. He wouldn't like it if you had forgotten or not marked his birthday, would he?

I think just accepting that he doesn't think about birthdays, etc is not on. He must know what it means to you and that it isn't about the money, but about the thought. He's 18 now. I wouldn't be happy at all if it happened to me, in fact it did, my DD 13 didn't get me anything for my birthday. I haven't forgotten, and neither has she. I didn't want much, just a card and a Kitkat would have done.

She remembered mother's day, though, and got me a Sunday paper (which I don't have any more, but that she knows I like). That would have been enough, but she got me some flowers, too. I was very happy, because to me it's the thought.

[jesuswhatnext]

he sounds quite a nice lad actually! - he wanted to spend his bd with you and the family, he is happy for you to meet his friends and obviously was happy to invite them home after a night out - he wasnt sneaky, didnt get horribly pissed and do stupid stuff etc, give him time - he is totally normal!

[noddyholder]

God I could have written your post word for word replacing party with big day out shopping for clothes We are still feeling the repercussions here as dp was livid and I was so upset So sorry I know how you feel x

[Debbiecakes]

I'd be upset and agree a little acknowledgement should have been forthcoming, but I think its definitely a boy/man thing. My hubby is great with my birthdays etc, but just think about it............. I'll take a bet 95% of us wives/girlfriends are the ones who are still buying cards and presents for our husbands parents birthday/mothers day/fathers day (delete as applicable).

In fact his parents and I joke about it when they call to thank us for the gifts - they even ask hubby what he got them as they know he'll not have a clue ! His mum called to thank us for the flowers "we" sent, and proceeded to jokingly gril hubby about what the bouquet "he'd" picked looked like

Men just don't think about this stuff in the same way we do...... but take heart thats its rarely malicious, just a little thoughtless sometimes.

[AngelLouisa]

Thanks all for your messages. I wanted an honest reply to make me see it's quite normal/teenagerish etc as I think I was in danger of making him feel rubbish. it's such a nonsense thing to get upset about, in view of the fact that he is usually thoughtful and has always acknowledged birthdays etc before. My OH (not my son's father) kind of unwittingly wound me up by saying ''maybe he'll take you out for meal', ''maybe he's got some flowers hidden'' - drip-feeding some negativity throughout the day (not deliberately)

All i said at the time was that I was sad he'd not grabbed the opportunity to say thanks. But you're absolutely right, and he said it too - every single day is a day to say I love you and thank you - not a commercial nonsense day xx

[cory]

Am I the only one who finds it quite a relief that the Day is over, so my dcs can go back to being just normally thoughtless and naughty and rude without the added burden of How Could You Do This To Me on Mother's Day?

[boldredrosie]

I know I'm late to this conversation but I feel the same as you AngelLouisa and even blogged about being neglected
boldredrosie.wordpress.com/2009/12/26/uncalled-for-christmas-gifts/ while back

[AngelLouisa]

I am so pleased to post on here re my son, who I wrote about back in April of this year (inconsiderately ignored mothers? day, despite my giving him a wonderful birthday bash the day before). In September of this year, he flew my tiny nest to move away 100 miles, to start Uni.

When I wrote on here in April I was terribly upset - he appeared to be so inconsiderate - and your comments were most welcomed, particularly when you said ??give him time?? etc?

Anyway, it was my birthday a few weeks ago in October and my son telephoned me a few days before to let me know he was sending a parcel for me! I was so chuffed! He?d remembered my birthday!! I was given strict instruction to make sure I was home in the morning for its? arrival. On the morning of my birthday he telephoned me, 8am, to ask if the parcel had arrived. I said ?no? ? but then heard a knock at the door. Told him to hang on while i went to see if it was the postman with my parcel ?? and there, on the doorstep was my son! HE was my parcel!

He?d come all the way from London, on the train the night before so that he could surprise me early! Once I stopped hugging him and weeping I opened his gifts - yes, there were more, plus a cake! - a gorgeous pair of leather gloves, a book, and a beautiful card in which he?d written ??thanks for everything you do for me??. So, thanks for your comments re ?'one day they appreciate you'? - you were absolutely right!

[jollyoldstnickschick]

Thats lovely and it came at the right time for me ...my ds2 is behaving similarly.......fingers crossed this happens here too.

[MudAndGlitter]

That made me cry!

[meanmomma]

Awwwwwww! So lovely to hear!

[AngelLouisa]

I forgot to say (and I never want to forget!) that he then treated me to a lovely lunch, down by the sea. Then came in all the girlie shops with me shopping (!) before getting on the late train back to London while I waved him off. Best birthday ever.
Yes, Jollyold, am sure yours will get there?. make sure and post and let us know.

[noddyholder]

Hurray!!!!! It is great when they see the light. Things hugely improved here too x

[mumeeee]

That's really great. DD2 also started getting mor considerate when she went away to uni. Had an email from her yesterday which ended love you lots.