Blending

[blendingstruggles]

I 3 years into blending our families and it's just getting harder.
I've been in my sc life for 3 years now. I have 3 children of my own too.
At the start sc adored me and couldn't wait to see me. Said how much he loved me and couldn't wait to come to our house. Suddenly around 18 months ago, things changed. He started to say unusual things like having been shown pictures of his parents wedding (he was only 4 when being shown these). It became obvious his mother had been saying things to upset him and stop him from liking me. No matter what I tried he just didn't want to know me anymore.
So I've spent the last 18 months adopting the 'nacho' method. I've still been there to support my husband. I'm still welcoming and friendly to sc but I haven't forced anything. I've kind of thought Im here if he wants me but it's obvious he doesn't. He stares at me and when I look up he quickly looks away. He does anything he can to avoid spending time with me.
I'm thinking of asking my dh to have a chat with him and work out what's wrong. It's making me feel uncomfortable in my own home.
I'm also struggling with dh. My kids are here 90% of the time. Sc is here eow and one mid week night. It's like my dh doesn't want to do anything when it's just my kids. He gets so excited to plan things when sc is here and when it's mine here there doesn't seem to be that effort. I want to take my kids on holiday this summer. For a lot of reason I won't go into, dh can't afford to take his dc but also I'd like some time with just mine. We've already taken his son away twice and my eldest hasn't been away with us at all yet and my youngest only once. He was fine going away without some of mine but now he's saying he won't go away without his dc.
There has been a lot of hurt and resentment has built up. I need to get past it all. It is destroying my mental health and I need to make some changes to myself.
Please no criticism as I've come on here looking for some help and support.

This will only get worse when the kids hit their teens, what do your kids think of your DH?

My eldest isn't a big fan. My middle child thinks he's awesome and told him the other day that he loves him as a step dad. My youngest likes him but they clash on occasion.

So you've been together 3 years, how long have you been living together?

What are the ages of the children?

What is the home set up? Do kids all have own rooms?

Do you have DC together? Sorry, not clear from OP.

Living together 2 years.
3 dc are mine and 1 is dh.
My kids have a room each. Sc has a section of my sons room divided off with his own bed and toys, tv etc.

If your DH isn't onboard and you aren't a team, it isn't going to work. Jump ship now or as a last ditch try couples counselling. I really can't imagine being with someone my eldest child didn't like though.

It's obvious why you've pulled away from DSC, but I think it's a bit much to expect DH to be enthusiastic about time with your kids, to refuse to holiday without them etc while you are essentially indifferent to his only DC. That kind of imbalance is where resentment starts.

Have you spoken to him in a non accusatory way and listened? I suspect he thinks "why should I go all in for her 3 kids, while she is indifferent to my single kid, I'm making all the effort here...."

You aren't bothered about holidaying with his DC that you don't get on with, it shouldn't surprise you that (as your eldest doesn't like him) he feels similarly.

Everyone here will have reasons and feelings behind their behaviours, I can't see how to stop resentment building. Maybe if you weren't pushing a blended ideal onto him and accepted you are two distinct half families? Holiday separately for a few years, maybe live separately until kids are older.

This. There's 4 children in this situation, 3 of which has issues with one or the other adult.

You moved in way too fast, but I'm sure you know this already.

I wouldn't necessarily jump to your BFs ex turning this child against you unless you have evidence of this. Shes entitled to show her children wedding photographs, big moment in her parents life and I'm sure it's nice to know that he was born in what was once a loving relationship.

If this behaviour started 18 months ago, and youve only been living together 2 years, it's far more likely that after 6 months he's realised he really doesn't like this situation. Doesn't like sharing the little time he has with his father with you and your children. Doesn't like having to share a room with an unrelated child, which is inappropriate imo.

Can you move back out and just continue dating without the need to live together. 3/4 of the children aren't happy so this would be the most responsible thing to do.

How old are all the DC?

I do a lot for my sc. I am the one that drives to collect him (with dh who can't drive). I provide for him financially as Dh is currently out of work due to ill health. He has been taken out on all 'family' days out like theme parks etc which I have paid for. He has had two holidays with us. This is the first time I've asked for one with just my children. I would have no issue going on another holiday with just dh and sc as long as I'm not expected to pay for it. It's not as if dh does loads for my kids and I do nothing for his. I have done and still do lots for my sc and for my dh to help him collect his dc. Before me their time together was spent in a cramped bedsit where sc had no toys. I have provided him with his own private space in the bedroom with toys, an iPad and his own tv etc. I've done everything I can to treat him the same as my own dc. It's only now after 18 months of this I've started to change. I've had to for my own mental health.

@2025HereICome we are married so I don't see living apart as an option really. Especially as dh doesn't drive and his child lives half hour away in the car or 2 hours by bus. We both have long term health issues so living that far apart doesn't really work. Also I don't want to not live with someone I'm married to. It seems a bit pointless.

We have no other option but for the boys to share. My daughters have learning difficulties and health issues which means they have to have separate rooms. Ds and sc have the room divided so they each have their own separate space which is very private. The only other option would be sc sleeping on the sofa but that doesn't exactly make this feel like home.

I’m not sure what more you can do with your stepson, sounds like taking a step back but still being available and supportive is all you can do.

wrt to your dh not wanting to do stuff with kids and join in when his ds isn’t there - I’m not sure really. All I can say is that he’s used to being a dad on one ds and probably not even a full time dad for that long before they split,

living with 3 kids is a lot especially when they’re not your own. I think it’s ok that he doesn’t always want to do stuff with them,

I don’t see why you can’t go on holiday with just them, he shouldn’t stop you, he doesn’t have to come though.

It sounds like there’s been quite a lot of strain on the relationship with the kids and ill health and unemployment.

Take your children away on your own. My DP doesn’t particularly want to come on holiday with my kids paying school holiday prices and his DD can’t come with us for various reasons and he doesn’t want to go away without her. Therefore I go with my kids and we do a couple of couple trips with no kids each year.

Sounds like you’ve done all you can to make your SC part of the family but he clearly still has some issue with spending time with all of you. Probably envious that your kids see his dad more than he does.

I’d imagine some one to one time with his dad would help, so maybe plan to take your kids on holiday at a time when he can come and stay with his dad alone.

Dad can get a bus or taxi to take him out and do some nice things together and your kids get time alone with you too. Blending is all well and good for the adults in love but it’s a massive compromise for all the DCs involved and a little
bit of time with each parent taking care of just their own kids will help everyone.

He will always prioritise his child- you need to do the same. He won't go on holiday without his child- stop arranging your holidays around his attendance. Either he'll come (which he probably will after a few holidays) or he won't. Do t prioritise getting time off to facilitate a holiday only with his child. If you can do that and stay happy- all good. If not then you need to look at separating .

@blendingstruggles god, after your further update, I really fear you've got yourself in a right pickle. You married a man two of your children don't get on with, and moved them in with him? How quickly did you actually marry? 3 years together when there's 4 children in the mix, is really not a long enough time.

He doesn't work, doesn't drive? Are you paying for everything? Are you also doing all the housework?

I'm sure you've done the best with the space you have but he could still resent sharing with your DC. Plenty of children would prefer to be in a bedsit with their parent to themselves for the little time they see them than have to share with their partner and her children, particularly if those children have health issues and complex needs.

He's not going to see or care about everything you're paying for and providing, nor should he, he's a child.

Do the DC get on? How old are your DC?

I'm afraid my advice in this situation is to move out, which isn't much good if you don't see this as an option. Children only have one childhood and I wouldn't allow a romantic relationship damage that in any way I'm afraid.

Best of luck OP

We've changed things the last few months so he gets one on one time every week with his dad so he's only in the 'blend' eow. But it seems worse. He cried coming here every time over Christmas which isn't like him. He randomly cries saying he feels sad. I think he needs some support tbh but neither parent seem to be doing anything about it. It's so frustrating tbh. I seem to care for for his wellbeing than his parents but I can only offer advice and it's ignored.

At the moment I pay for everything. He's still paying half the mortgage with his exw and has had to take her to court to get the house sold which is costing him a lot. All his money is going on the mortgage and solicitor.

everyone got on with everyone when we moved in. My eldest daughter's issues started when her mental health declined. She just hates all men. My other daughter does get on fine with dh 99% of the time. They just occasionally clash. My ds adores dh.

Kids get on fine most of the time. Occasional squabbles but that's the same with any siblings.

Mine are 15,12&9. Sc is 6

I will be doing this if I need to. My kids getting a holiday this year is my priority. Dh and I get away a few nights a year but my kids don't. So this year the focus is on saving for them. My eldest will be 16 this year so I won't have many holidays left with her.

Poor thing 🙁
maybe it’s all just hitting home
I know with my youngest dc they seemed to adjust best of all to the separation and moving between houses for eow stays with dad, then about 18mos in suddenly was a lot more upset and anxious about it, I think their understanding had increased as they got a bit older and they realised it was permanent and it sunk in more. If either of us had been in serious relationships then with partners moved in I can only imagine how much worse it would have been at that point,

You're paying for everything while he pays half the mortgage at his old house? Were they married? Can she afford the mortgage on her own? If not, an easier way to force the sale is to stop paying the mortgage surely? Then she'll be forced to sell?

When is he likely to be in a position to start working again?

What is SC set up at home with his mother? Do they live alone together?

Crying every time he had to come and stay with you is terrible. If this continues, he could completely lose the relationship with his father.

I think this is it. My own youngest didn't question the split from her dad at the time but around 2 years later started to question things.
It's so hard when parents can't stay together and the kids suffer. But then they'd suffer with two unhappy parents too.
I see so much on here saying that blending doesn't work and isn't fair on the kids etc. on the one hand it makes me feel selfish. But then don't we all deserve love. It's just so tough getting the balance right.
Dh brings so much to our life's despite our struggles.

Sorry OP, note that they were married before. Is the divorce now finalised?

Must be surely if OP has married him?

and didn’t mean to make you feel guilty with my comment above, just that I had thought my youngest had adjusted really well and it kind of caught me by surprise that she had a delayed reaction.

@blendingstruggles without sounding overly harsh OP, you say 'don't we all deserve love'? And I see this line trotted out so much on her.

Yes, everyone deserves love. But not at the expense of children's comfort and security and childhood. Children that we chose to bring into this world. You could have continued to date and not moved in together. That would have been far more responsible and sensitive to children's needs. Not everyone needs to live together and these blended family situations rarely work out.

You say your daughter hates all men? That's concerning. Why is that? And no she has to live with an unrelated male? That must be so uncomfortable for her.

No I didn't take it that way don't worry. I can totally empathise as my own dd didn't react initially and then she did.
I can see this with my sc. it's like it's now hitting home and he wants to live with both parents. It breaks my heart. All I ever wanted growing up was a loving family unit that I I didn't have x

Yes they are divorced and we are married.
Just the financial side was done separately from the divorce as she has dragged her heels the whole way and refused to do anything at all. He wanted to leave her the whole house and have a clean break and she has dragged it through courts thinking she was entitled to the whole bloody world! Not the courts have done a force of sale with 50/50 split. But it's cost so much money and she's now dragging her heels about listing the house so could end up back in court again. She's been in contempt of court twice and doesn't seem to care. Thinks she's a law unto herself.