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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

8 months pregnant. Partner wants me to have nothing to do with my 2 older children

87 replies

callmerach · 19/03/2008 22:08

please no lecture just honest opinions.
Left my partner of 12 years, in new relationship with man half my age. 8 months pregnant from new relationship. He has moved in with me.
I have 2 older children who do not live with me, 19 & 17. my dp is only 18.
My relationship was strained with my 2 children initially but has improved vastly during the last 6 months and they are now neither interested or disinterested in my relationship.

Same can not be said about dp. Dp is demanding i have nothing to do with my 2 older children. He wants just me him and baby.
He is embarrassed i have a child older than him. She is pregnant and he won't even allow me to tell his family as again he is embarrassed i am to be a grandmother.

Naturally i want to be there for my children and in doing so he says i am putting him 2nd and i obviously don't love him enough.

I am sad and desperatly upset by this situation. I realise this is my own doing, but i am cross as my two children were never any secret when this guy was getting involved with me. I realised his age may make our relationship difficult but never imagined it would be due to my children who incidently i love very much even if i dont see them very often.

I am faced with an ultimatum, stay with him and build a life for my baby but lose my 2 children or tell him no i will not and cope bringing baby up on my own.
I feel bitterly let down. Does anyone have any constructive advice please ?

OP posts:

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moondog · 19/03/2008 22:09

Yes
Leave the fucker
Run and don't look back

purplegiraffe · 19/03/2008 22:11

Not sure what to advise, but I would never put anyone above my children or stop me from seeing them.

Your dp is only 18 and sounds a bit immature tbh.

KerryMum · 19/03/2008 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

camillathechicken · 19/03/2008 22:11

run

what a selfish, self centred moron

he is not being a man

how would he feel if this baby you are carrying now, was ignored by one of his parents 18 years down the line

he is immature and juvenile

he must have known the score when you got together and got pregnant

leave

you will do better with the support of your older DCs than a DP who cannot accep the reality of your life together

turquoise · 19/03/2008 22:12

Agree with Moondog.

You'll be bringing up two babies if you stay with him.

NorthernLurker · 19/03/2008 22:12

If your partner does not recognise that your older children are a permanent part of your life than I'm sorry but I doubt that you and he can make it long term. However - he's 18 and about to become a father - there is time for things to change, for him to change. But if he doesn't - then I think he is denying an essential part of who you are - and I wouldn't be able to stay with someone like that.

Good Luck with the baby and the grandchild

wannaBe · 19/03/2008 22:12

hippipotami · 19/03/2008 22:12

My gut instinct and every fibre of my being is to NOT turn your back on your elder two dc. They are YOUR children, your flesh and blood. Your babies (albeit now virtually grown up)
Your dp knew about your dc when he got involved with you. So it was part of who/what you are.

The fact that he is embarrased about the fact you are to become a granny speaks volumes to me.

Please, choose your children.

camillathechicken · 19/03/2008 22:12

you have already grown out of him

pukka · 19/03/2008 22:13

i'm afraid you have to mother your partner a bit here. he isobviously terrified about being a parent, with a woman who is old enough to be his mother. i think you need to reassure him, ask him how he would feel if you abandoned his baby?
tell him you cannot choose between your children and partner. it is unfair of him, and he needs to grow up.

StripeyMama · 19/03/2008 22:13

Sorry but agree with Moondog.

Run. Just get the hell out and build a life with all your children. He is (sorry again) unlikely to be there for you for the long term, and your children are forever.

You and they deserve far far better than this.

PanicPants · 19/03/2008 22:13

He's a child. Leave. Now.

Sobernow · 19/03/2008 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pavlovthecat · 19/03/2008 22:14

Sounds immature to me too. quite clearly does not yet understand what family actually means. How will he cope with being a father if he cant grasp that basic, fundamental fact?

You love your children, you said so. There is your answer.

PABLOP · 19/03/2008 22:14

You are a mother and your dd is about to become one too, she is a billion times more important than this immature kid.

Yes you will cope with bringing baby up on your own, lots of women do, don't lose your children.

MrsMattie · 19/03/2008 22:14

He sounds like a completely immature prick. Make you choose between him and your kids? is he having a laugh? Run like the wind. He'll make a shit dad.

YeahBut · 19/03/2008 22:14

Any man who asks you to choose him over your own children should be kicked into touch. I do appreciate that this is difficult given that you are now pregnant with his child.
You are always going to be older than him and he needs to deal with it. Have you thought about relationship counselling just to give him the chance to chat through some of these issues.

snowleopard · 19/03/2008 22:16

He sounds young, clueless and selfish. He probably doesn't have the faintest idea that you can't just decide to put your own children second. He's about to become a parent, so maybe point that out to him and ask how he would feel if he was told he couldn't see his child?

If you have to choose, I think you know you can't choose what he's offering. If you just stop seeing your two older kids - and what about your new grandchild, not seeing him/her either? - then you'll feel resentful towards DP, which is not ideal with a new baby.

I think make it very clear he's talking out of his arse and he has no idea what being a parent is like, but as he's about to experience it, you could give him time to change his mind.

wannaBe · 19/03/2008 22:16

and why in the name of god would you get involved with someone the same age as one of your children? would you feel happy for one of your children to come home with a partner your age? no thought not.

think you need to grow up as well tbh.

avenanap · 19/03/2008 22:17

Here here! Did he not realise you had children when you got together? It's very unfair of him to expect you to abandon your children and your grandchild for him. That's just so selfish. Does he not realise that children always come first? What sort of a father will he be to your child if he is this selfish? It's so very wrong for him to put you in the situation where you have to choose between him and your children. I'm a single mum, it's nothing to be ashamed of and it can be done. You do not deserve this treatment. He's a tosser, run away as fast as you can and make a new life for you and your family.
I wish you all the best.

Phatmouse · 19/03/2008 22:17

He does come second.

Infact he should come fifth you have 3 children and yourself to look after first. He is embarressed by you end he's an insecure child who want to control you, a grown woman.

Get rid is my constructive advice.

Carmenere · 19/03/2008 22:18

You now have an extra child this is a real mess but you absolutely cannot abandon your own children and if his embarrassed of you well tough, he has to get over it.
You may just have to accept that you have made a big mistake here and deal with the consequences of bringing up a small baby by yourself.

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PotPourri · 19/03/2008 22:18

You have 2 kids already. He knows that, and he still chose to settle down with you. He is being immature wanting to imagine away your other children. It can't happen, and don't let it! He needs to grow up (and I am not getting at his age here BTW)

The new baby is your other children's little brother or sister. IMO, your children - all 3 - are so much more important than a silly immature dp. You need to lay down the law to him - he has to buck up his ideas or it is just not going to work.

And you would cope fine bringing up the baby on your own BTW - you've done it twice before, your kids will support you/you could share the experience with your DD in fact.

If he is embarassed by you (being a grandmother, having kids already), what is he doing with you? What would it teach your 3 children about how they should treat and be treated by others if you let that continue? Of course he is second to your children - doesn't he know anything??

ara · 19/03/2008 22:19

I agree with the other posters - nobody worth their salt would attempt to force a choice like this upon you. I feel quite disgusted by it.

I think the fact you have posted about this in the first place means you know that cutting your children and new grandchild out of your life is not an option.

wannaBe · 19/03/2008 22:20

op has gone I see.

and first time poster.

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