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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Grrrr

31 replies

hussnchips56 · 23/02/2015 22:19

Lost a big post. In short been with DP for 12 years, SD going to graduate this year, no ticket for me, as her mum isn't bringing a bf!!! I have supported her, paid things so OH could pay her allowance. Pissed off, have had years of sloppy cards, like a mum to me etc and now when I think I Should be able to be happy to see her graduate, it's like fuck off, don't want you

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Fiddlerontheroof · 23/02/2015 22:31

To be honest, if there are in,it three tickets....it would be fairest just for dad and mum to go...but I'm guessing that's not occurred to her?

What does dsd want?

queenofthepirates · 23/02/2015 22:41

Universities are well used to this-maybe have a gentle word with SD and tell her how much pleasure it would give you to attend but you understand if there's no seat for you. Let her make the choice and if not, buy the DVD. Honestly though these things are dull as dishwater.

gaahhnonicknamesleft · 23/02/2015 22:42

Why dont you take her out for a special celebration meal instead. Major life events get tricky with step families no matter how supportive and close you have been.

Wdigin2this · 23/02/2015 22:45

Yeah, it's all very well to look at it as a sensible adult, and try to do the decent thing for all concerned....but it bloody hurts doesn't it?!

hussnchips56 · 23/02/2015 22:55

She has 4 tickets 1 for her mum and 1 for her dad, the. Other 2 are for her mums friends. Like someone said it bloody hurts

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balia · 23/02/2015 23:00

Is she just trying to avoid any difficulty on a big day? Can mum be a bit tricky?

Wdigin2this · 23/02/2015 23:07

That's really hurtful and would make me feel rejected! Pas Baslia says, would her mum kick off if you were there?

hussnchips56 · 23/02/2015 23:21

Thought her mum would Be ok with it, like I said its been 12 years, wi
L actually be 13 years when it's graduation, SD was 8 yrs old when I moved i with her dad

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LineRunner · 23/02/2015 23:24

Has your DP asked her about it?

hussnchips56 · 23/02/2015 23:40

Yep DP has spoken to her, she is adamant its DP, the ex and ex friends. Am not making any excuses for her as she could have have said.......oh sorry can't get you a ticket but want you to be involved so sit in lounge and watch live feed then we do photos etc, nope it's just ticket for OH

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yellowdaisies · 24/02/2015 08:32

I'd be hurt by that too - fair enough if there were only 2 or 3 tickets but 4 should be 2 to each parent, which they could then give to their DP or a friend. If I was your DP and one of my DCs did that to him, I'd be having words with them, and would seriously consider telling them I wasn't going to go to see such a spiteful child graduate.

Is this out the blue, or are you aware of something you've done that she's got upset about lately?

LineRunner · 24/02/2015 08:54

Yes, hurtful and bewildering unless there's what is known as a 'back story' on here.

What is your DP doing about it? Just shrugging?

Pagwatch · 24/02/2015 08:57

Oh that's so sad for you.

Have you any idea why she has invited her mothers friends instead.
You poor thing. You must feel so hurt.

Storm15 · 24/02/2015 09:03

That's terrible. I'd be very put out too OP.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 24/02/2015 09:11

I wouldn't be getting my DH to threaten not to go (not suggesting you would) but I think she's old enough for you to tell her the truth. Just say, "dsd, I love you very much and would have loved to have seen you graduate, it's a day that I thought I would be with you for. I'm actually really hurt that you have chosen not to invite me (even just to watch it on the screen). You may think I don't see it as a big deal, but I do. It's the day your family gets to be so proud of your achievements and I wanted to be there. I'll get over it but right now I feel rejected. I am so proud of you."

Of course it depends on the type of relationship you have. It's not about guilt tripping, but I do remember as a student not really seeing the importance of graduation. Whereas as a parent I can. So it could be she just hasn't thought that you'd want to.

LineRunner · 24/02/2015 09:16

Is it possible her mum has engineered it like this? My mum would have done, most definitely.

Wdigin2this · 24/02/2015 20:22

FYCandTHorse...I think that's probably the best advice in this case! The OP's feelings and very reasonable expectation of sharing the day, are not even being considered. Yes, tell her you're hurt and disappointed, and that as there are 4 tickets, she and DP really have no reason or right to reject the woman who has been a positive part of her life for so long. There's nothing you can actually do about it other than make your very understandable feelings known to her....and DP!

AGirlCalledBoB · 24/02/2015 20:45

I can see where she is coming from. I know it's not what you want to hear but I do.

I had 2 step-parents growing up, and never really saw my parents together. My father died when I was 10 but if he was alive I would have loved to see just him and my mum at my graduation. Not because I don't have a great relationship with my step parents. My step mother is still a big part of my life, and I love her a lot even though dad has been gone 13 years.

But because for one my parents are casting their issues aside to see their child graduate, a big milestone. Because I can have the child and 2 parents picture like all my friends seemed to have. Because they created me and now are joining in with this day and are proud of the daughter they created together.
That and it can be complicated trying to go between one side of parents to the next. I know I would want a simple unstressful day.

It's stupid I feel that way, but in my case my parents split up when before I was one so I would have really enjoyed just a day with my just my parents.

I do feel sympathy for you, I do.

I hope you get to talk to your dsd and sort things out.

hussnchips56 · 04/03/2015 23:33

I have text her but she has ignored me, I really don't want to go into it over text or Fb messages would rather talk to her, it was my birthday last weekend, she was going to come down to see me .......she rang when she knew we would be out, says left present for you. Got a lovely card filled with a long written bit from her as to how I have always been there for her, she loves me etc etc. I get to thinking maybe I am over reacting, but tonight she tagged her mum, dad and the mums friends in a post re the graduation on FB I have text her tonight to ask if we can talk but again no reply...I think I will just lick my wounds and creep away.

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hussnchips56 · 04/03/2015 23:51

Ok, here's the back story. OH was separated when we met, his ex had affair and he moved out......she did say to him, if it doesn't work out will you come back, but year later he met me, the Lo and behold her relationship finished, and he didn't go back, but she then went back to a previous bf who did not like SD so we spent lots of time with her, this relationship then finished and SD got it into her head that if I was sent back to where I came from OH would go home, this didn't happen and her mum got another man, he was there for a few years but they split up and now SD is very oh my poor mum, all on her own , tbh, she isn't on her own but her current mans wife would beg to differ. Me and OH have never run her mum down and never would. SD was 18 before Oh told her the reason why they split, but when she went home and spoke to her mum she said no that's not true it's cos your dad wouldn't change his job. Love OH to bits but have my time again? When your past is down to a backpack, never take on anyone who has a trunk!

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Wdigin2this · 04/03/2015 23:53

I'd be seriously thinking about disengaging here! My DSD offended me deeply some years ago, and I told DH to inform her I would not see/speak to her until she apologised! It took some time, but she did, however things have never been the same since, and in truth that suits me fine!

yellowdaisies · 05/03/2015 08:16

I guess maybe she just wants one day when she can pretend her parents are still together for her. Is her mum opposed to you coming maybe, so she's feeling caught in the middle?

The card suggests that she isn't trying to hurt you so maybe it's best to pretend you don't care about the graduation ceremony (they really are quite boring!) and suggest you and DH take DSD out for a celebratory meal another time.

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Wdigin2this · 05/03/2015 08:52

Hussnchips, there are times I wish I had taken another road...many many times! I love DH to bits, but I have had decades of his inability to say no, and I wonder what my life would had been had I turned away from the man with the 'trunk'?! With regard to your current problem, I think as already said, you can rise above it and pretend it doesn't matter, or you can make everyone involved aware of how much you feel let down and disappointed...only you know which road is right for you, and what repercussions would ensue!

hoobygalooby · 05/03/2015 16:16

Sounds like her mum doesn't want to be the odd one out so has put pressure on her.
I agree with the posters who say don't go but don't be afraid to tell her you are upset and why.

hussnchips56 · 05/03/2015 23:43

Thanks everyone for your input, yes I do think it's to do with her mum, on something quite different OH said ffs why does she not understand what ex means! I find it difficult as I do not ring my ex every 5 mins and my dd and Ds have no problem with OH at all. My granddaughters call my a OH by his name but if you ask them who name is they will say grandad.

There is also an issue with a charity walk she is doing, we will not be there for the start as we already have tickets for a festival that weekend, for the Finnish? Well ok, may be I am being a bit petty but not good enough for the graduation day, not interested in the end of the walk, btw we are not sure if walk will go ahead when she realises the Money stops, she thinks oh will carry on giving her money till she gets job errr no,it stops when uni stops. She is 21 this year and while raising money for charity is admirable so is getting a job!

Oh and my Dd will also be graduating this year from the OU she has been doing a degree while bringing up my 3 little granddaughters, with no where near the drama that SD had had during this time

Oh god I've written an essay again haven't i......am going now......honestly ??

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