DSS and wedding night

[FaithLoveandGrace]

Hi all, just wondering what you did with DCs on wedding night? Our wedding is a while away yet but we're thinking about what to do. DSS (who will be 5 at our wedding) will be with us from the day before our wedding until a week later. DP wants us to find someone to look after DSS overnight after the reception until we pick him up the next morning. I'm not too sure though. DP's parents will get totally wasted on the night and tbh I wouldn't trust them to look after DSS so they're out of the question. We could ask my parents (my Mum doesn't drink) but DP's parents will flip their lid if they know we've asked someone else. I'm half tempted to say we'll just go home and bring him back with us instead of booking into a hotel without him. Any thoughts on how to handle it?

[Jessbags001]

Could you have a chat with DP's parents and angle it as if you are thinking of them, along the lines of:

"We were thinking about what to do with DSS for our wedding evening/night. We wondered if you'd like to look after him, but then thought you'd probably rather enjoy yourselves than have a teetotal night. What do you think? Perhaps we'll ask someone we know doesn't drink so that you can let your hair down?"

[Whereisegg]

Would your parents be understanding of the situation with pil and pre-arrange to take dss but pretend it's a last minute dss was exhausted/ate too much cake situation?

[BadIdeaBear]

My DSCs stayed with my DH's parents at our house. But then my MIL is teetotal so being drunk not an issue. I see your dilemma but think jess's approach sounds wise.

[purpleroses]

Do you have any friends going to your wedding with similar aged DC? If so you could ask them and explain it to your DP's parents more as DSS going for a sleepover with the other child.

[iwantaginsoakedXmas]

Can he not go to his DM for the night? It is your wedding night after all.

When me and DH got married my DS and his two DSs were there during the day but we arranged for their respective other parents to collect them in the evening so that we could have our first night as a married couple togrther in the hotel. Alone.

[FaithLoveandGrace]

Unfortunately his DM lives too far away for us to be able to get him there, otherwise that would probably be the best solution. We do have friends coming to the wedding with children around the same age and whilst he knows the children, he doesn't really know the parents so I don't know how comfortable he'd feel.

Jess your idea sounds great in principle. Problem is they're not the most rational of people and don't see the issue with getting pissed whilst (supposedly) looking after children. I think we'll just have to stand firm, give them the option of not drinking but say otherwise DSS will be going to my parents and if they don't like it tough.

So you definitely don't think it's unreasonable of us to not have DSS on our wedding night?

[lunar1]

Can use use some excuse like your parents want to officially welcome him to the family. Make it a big deal to your inlaws that it's really important to your family?

[Whereisegg]

Totally not unreasonable to want a child free wedding night!

[Whatever21]

iwantagin - yeah right, when the new family find the old dcs inconvenient - let's just get his DM to bail us out.

Whilst the OP is not suggesting that and is thinking ahead, we do not know the circumstances of the split - can just imagine the conversation

"just wondering, if you could pick up our mutual child after my wedding to my new partner, so I can forget about my parental responsibilites and go shag my new wife on our wedding day" - think that will go down like a lead balloon.

bit like the request to EX, to be on standby, when new DP goes into labour and we can not have DC around - just be on standby, not having a drink and social life for about a month - 2 weeks pre and 2 weeks post due date.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

yeah right, when the new family find the old dcs inconvenient - let's just get his DM to bail us out.

As a DM who has been in this situation and was excluded from caring for my own DD on the night of her dads wedding, I consider it my responsibility to care for my DD, and certainly don't see it as bailing her Dad out.

I am my DDs mum 24/7; just because I share care of her with her Dad doesn't mean I'm only her mum on "my" time -sadly, me ex sees it differently and goes out of his way to prevent her spending additional time with me, even sending her 100 miles away for a week during the school holidays away from her friends.

I'm sure all mums are different - but I worry that my DD will think I don't want her to come home to me when her Dad chooses to use childcare/babysitters rather than ask me.

[Whereisegg]

My ex is engaged, I would totally assume that dd will be coming back to me after the wedding do (providing it's not abroad or anything ) and I'm luckily mature enough not to think it's because her father and new wife now want to forget about her, but that the opportunity of a wedding night shouldn't be out of their reach because real life happened to them before they met each other.

I certainly didn't sit about fretting that people judged me for shipping off my dc on my wedding night.

[iwantaginsoakedXmas]

whatever21 My suggestion was put forward as it worked for me and my DH at our wedding. Fair enough, I do not know the circumstances around the OP and her DP's XW - and understand that not all can work round these things.

It is a planned event, and if things are going to be tricky to arrange - with the grandparents babysitting then it would have been perfectly acceptable for the DSCs DM to have them.

I am able to amend weekend contacts with my DS' DF, and my DH can do the same with his DCs DM. It is sometimes necessary to do so to make plans for holidays and other events. Both ours and their other parents.

It isn't a case of the 'new' family finding the DC inconvenient. It is a case of forward planning and a bit of flexibility with contact arrangements.

Anyway - the OP has said that it won't be possible - and is keen to find a way of asking her DParents to care for them overnight without upsetting the PILs.

[fedupbutfine]

I certainly didn't sit about fretting that people judged me for shipping off my dc on my wedding night

I don't think that was the suggestion though, was it? The point being made was that it shouldn't be expected that the ex just look after her child for the wedding night as some kind of favour to her ex. That's not unreasonable. The OP has clearly stated that the child in question will be with her after the wedding for some time so she is simply looking to have one childfree night and is feeling a bit guilty for wanting that and is wondering if she's unreasonable. I think we have agreed it's not unreasonable at all. However, the suggestion was made that perhaps the ex could help out and I don't think the response that perhaps that wouldn't be wise was unreasonable. Hell, I couldn't careless about my ex, water under the bridge, blah, blah, blah... but if he got married tomorrow, I am sure there would be mixed emotions on my part - the last thing I would need is him turning up with children on my doorstep, half cut, looking happy in his wedding suit and waving off the children on his way to a shag-fest!

[Petal02]

whatever21 you sound very bitter. Is it unreasonable to want some privacy on your wedding night, irrespective of whether the children are step or bio?

[Whereisegg]

fedup that statement you've quoted was more in response to op asking if she was bu to want a child free wedding night

[Whatever21]

I have a second family myself now and no it is not unreasonable to want some privacy on your wedding night - no issue with that.

Bitter - yes for a long time, - not anymore am very happy, in my personal situation, not the abyss of nastiness that my DCs have to endure though and is so often apparent on this forum.

However, when it comes to big family events on this forum eg weddings, birth of children - there is a feeling that the DM should bail the new family out. The OP did not suggest that, no issue with the OP.

As one who is on the receiving end of these demands for the convenience of the new family - it is a pain. I have a life and when it is impacted and I am made to feel unreasonable for not acquiesing then it is not acceptable. We inevitably then get the response on this forum, well any reaonsable Mum would want their child to......and comments of that ilk.Very critical and very judgemental.

Never suggested that the DM should not be asked - just on big occasions like this, the DM can end up feeling like the bitch from hell for saying - no, when they have done nothing wrong. I never ask my EX because past experience has taught me what will happen. eg, asked my Ex to have DCs for one day during summer hols, I would drop off, pick up but him have them from 0800-1700 - reason, had to take my mum for chemo and my sister to radiotherapy and I thought sitting in two hospitals waiting all day would be v boring for them - the answer was No, they were busy - taking her DCs and the new DC to Legoland!!!!!

[FaithLoveandGrace]

whatever I can understand your frustration. I don't think it's right if the DM is expected to bail out DF. That said, they are both parents all of the time, not just when the DC's are with them. I personally would rather be asked than like in peruvian's case where the DC's are shipped miles away!

Fwiw I don't mind if we have DSS on our wedding night. To me the life long marriage is more important than the wedding (or wedding night) and if we can't find anyone suitable to look after DSS then I really don't mind. I think actually it'd be quite nice to wake up to him being there on our first day of married life - but DP thinks it'd be nice to have the night to ourselves and then pick him up first thing in the morning.

[FaithLoveandGrace]

And whatever that's absolutely horrendous behaviour from your ex! Surely your DC could've gone to legoland with them?! There's no way I or DP would want DSS stuck in a hospital with his (probably quite stressed) DM, we'd actually probably say we'll pick him up and drop him off too!

[RandomMess]

How about your parents insisted on having him as part of their wedding present to you?

[PeruvianFoodLover]

As one who is on the receiving end of these demands for the convenience of the new family - it is a pain. I have a life and when it is impacted and I am made to feel unreasonable for not acquiesing then it is not acceptable.

Demands? A pain? To be responsible for your own DCs?

I've never understood the mentality that when a child is not with a parent (either at school, paid childcare or their other parent) that parental responsibility for the child is temporarily suspended and therefore, changes to those plans are resented.

They are your DCs, and you are responsible for them all the time.

As I've said, I'd rather they were with me, so I could help them deal with there own conflicting emotions after their Dads wedding, than their Dad and SM have to worry about childcare for my child on what is, for them, a special day - whether or not they choose to consummate the marriage or not!
Given that a wedding, it's not like it would mean I'd be dropping plans with no notice, it's planned in advance.
And for my child, I would (and have) cut short days out, cancelled appointments and generally made sure I was there when she needs me, even if she was scheduled to be in her dads care at the time. Isn't that what parents do?

(As an aside, neither of my wedding nights could be described as "shag fests", but each to their own.)

[Whatever21]

Well done peruvian - you just illustrated my point!!

They are also HIS DCS and he is responsible for them all the time, except for when.................................

I am a god awful Ex who expects the other parent to be able to look after their DCs just like I do. Well for the 14 ONs you had them for last year!!!

I am responsible for my DCs 24/7 - 365 days last year. Hence why I pack them clean clothes, toys to play with whilst at Ex house and give them a little food bag.

When contact is agreed and one side changes it at the last minute, with no warning -requiring the other party to drive for 2.5 hrs on a Friday evening to pick them up, then drive 2.5 hrs home in Friday M25 traffic, cancel their weekend plans and look after the DCS - because that is what a good parent does - it is a pain. The emergency - they were going away for the weekend to see a friend and 5 kids did not fit in one car and as the friend did not really know DCs - thought it best if they left them with me.

If that was the case then why the effing hell did you pick them up from school drive round the sodding M25 and then realise the situation and phone me at 2000 and expect me to pick them up that evening - so you could make an early start!!! I was made to feel like I was being unreasonable because I refused to drive there and then - was sitting with my neighbour on my second glass of wine!!

Forgot, I am responsible 24/7 peruvian, therefore can never have a drink, go out for a meal, relax and not think that the other parent of the DCs could look after them. Perfect illustration of my point - what a bloody awful mother and unreasonable EX I am!

[PeruvianFoodLover]

whatever, I think you've proved the point of several posters upthread - your bitterness towards your ex is clouding your responses.

It's frankly laughable that you are comparing your ex's last minute cancellation with a planned schedule change to accomodate a wedding night.

Yes, your ex is a nob - but that doesn't mean that separated parents can't reach civilised agreements about the care of their children; even if you are unable to.

[Whereisegg]

I'm sorry that you have such a useless ex whatever