Why does my husband turn into such a wanker when we're expecting DSC?

[morerogermore]

That's just it really. He starts being quite horrible to me, almost as if he thinks I am to blame for all his bad feelings. Does anyone else have this? We have a great relationship the rest of the time.

[Maroonie]

Have you talked about it? It might help him deal with his feelings to talk to a counsellor.
It's normal to feel bad but taking it out on you isn't okay.
The way forward will depend on why it makes him feel that way and what you all want for the future.
How often do you have the dsc? I'm assuming they are you're kids and he is the step but don't want to assume!

[morerogermore]

No they're his kids! We have them once every three weeks (he set that up). They live quite a way away. I have suggested he travel to visit them more / ring them more etc. He used to have an antagonistic relationship with their mother but now they hardly speak (apart from practical necessity). I feel he should be yelling at her instead.

[morerogermore]

By the way the kids are happy, and enjoy their visits and their relationship with their dad, and with me -- so it's not generated by them. It's like he makes me a scapegoat for his guilt. (I met him after the divorce).

[Maroonie]

It does sound like he is wrongly taking out his frustrations on you.
Does he realise he is doing it?
How long has it been going on?

[morerogermore]

It would certainly help him to talk to a counsellor but he never, ever would.

[Maroonie]

Also how are things when they are with you? Are his moods caused by worry/fear/stress about them coming?
He needs to realise that these feelings are okay but the way he is dealing with it definitely isn't okay.

[morerogermore]

He has always done it but I didn't notice at the start as I thought everyone was having genuine difficulties. What I find so frustrating is why doesn't he make some changes if he's so unhappy with the situation? I.e. talk to their mother about altering their upbringing, have more input etc. It's like he finds their visits inherently sad and always will -- sometimes this even shows through to the kids, who themselves think the situation while not perfect is quite jolly. I put a lot of effort in when they come but he exhausts me when he lashes out in the days leading up. Will he ever come to enjoy their visits? Do other people's DHs enjoy the weekend contact, or are they sad like mine?

[morerogermore]

When they are with us things are good and very honest -- i.e. we're open about any upset and deal with it, mostly it's a very loving time and a compliment to their regular time with their mum. My husband is over emotional when they're here but I help him and mainly manage to keep him upbeat.

[morerogermore]

That's why it's doubly frustrating. It's actually all working out quite well, except husband is unresolved about it.

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

Sounds like he is a wanker all the time tbh. You only notice it when he cranks it up before a visit from the dc.

Yelling? Like actually shouting at you? For what?

Why would it be beneficial if he yelled at his ex?

Surely best of all would be no yelling and no wanker-y behaviour.

[morerogermore]

He shouts through stress. Just in normal household chore situations. He is usually very nice and a lovely husband but completely changes when DSC are due. I think he disagrees with how his ex is bringing them up but has no dialogue with her so simply vents at me.

[Maroonie]

Posted at the same time there!
Has this been the arrangement since they split?
Can you suggest he makes a list of things he would like to change and try to tackle them one at a time. Not that everything can be fixed but it helped me get a feeling of control back.
It's like a self fulfilling prophecy- if he is focussed on being sad the visits will inevitably be sad.
If he wouldn't do counselling would he be more open to reading a book?
It could help him get into a more positive mindset

[morerogermore]

I have told him it's not good enough and he apologises -- I'm more interested in if this will ever resolve, and if it's normal for a NRP to always feel so sad.

[morerogermore]

Thank you maroonie that is helpful, particularly:

It's like a self fulfilling prophecy- if he is focussed on being sad the visits will inevitably be sad.

Very true.

[morerogermore]

He is all or nothing. The only thing he'd change is either nothing or them living with us full time (nobody else wants that). So he won't tweak it.

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

Aah so he disagrees with how his dc are raised yet he only see's them once every 3 weeks?

Doesn't speak to them much in between times and does not communicate with ex?

Can I ask why the dc are so far away? As in, who moved?

I really think that this sort of behaviour in regards to his dc does a wanker make him. Imho of course.

[morerogermore]

Their mum moved.

[morerogermore]

I should say they are teenage, so have their own channel of communication.

[Fairenuff]

He is causing the problem because he won't compromise.

It sounds to me like he is angry because every time they come it reminds him how he can't have his own way over this and he has a childish tantrum over it.

[Castlemilk]

Do you know what I would do?

Next time the dsc are due to come, I would absent myself for the three nights before.

Appreciate this might be hard if you work - but I'd really really try to do it - ask for example if you can stay with a friend, or get a cheapy Travelodge near work.

Let him know the morning of the day you 'go'. Pack your bag, and explain, perfectly brightly and politely, that you have no intention of being his whipping post, his rubbish bag for all his (perfectly understandable) feelings about his situation with his children. That you've spoken about it before, it's made no difference, so you really need to get across to him just how damaging and corrosive it is. Then say - 'I'll see you after work the evening the DSC arrive. I am no longer prepared to spend the three days before their visit being treated like a lump of shit, so I intend to remove myself from this.'

Tell him that this is the first step - next time, if it happens again, you'll be away for the three days before and the DSC visit too - he can deal with them himself. The point of that will be to demonstrate to him just how much worse things would be if you weren't there. Just how much you support him, and his DSC, despite him using you as an emotional punchbag.

And, if he then can't either sort himself out OR get help to do so, you'll end up moving towards separation.

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

All or nothing seems to be the way so many men operate in this situation. Again imho of course.

The problem is that his dc have another parent. One that is, you know, acvtually raising his dc's.

he should stop being an arse and co-parent with his ex.

All or nothing my arse. I bet if he got 'all' he'd run a mile

[NickiFury]

He sounds like a controlling bully who is pissed off he doesn't have control over them so dumps it on the nearest target who will take it because she loves him, i.e you. I'd tell him to STFU next time he starts, really read him the riot act. Do you pussy foot round him because it's all so sad and difficult for him? If you do stop it. You're not his verbal punch bag.

[morerogermore]

No I don't Nicky, I tell him exactly what I think.
I like the minibreak idea, but we have a toddler!!
Feel a bit better now, thank you everyone.

[Fairenuff]

You tell him what you think but he ignores you. He keeps doing it and you keep taking it.

No wonder his wife moved miles away from him and has a little to do with him as possible.

[morerogermore]

I don't think it's as black and white as that. I don't think he's a complete bastard, just wondering if other people's husbands did this when expecting DSC.