Bloody ex wives

[wheresthelight]

why is it that they can change the contact schedule to suit them, cancel our contact completely on a whim but we dare ask for an amendment because I have a hospital appointment that cannot be altered and all hell breaks loose??!!

we stick to the contact regime rigidly because the exw gets nasty and starts quoting routine etc at us but asked her to amend at the end of last term as I had a hospital appointment in the next city which is about 20 miles away and takes well over an hour in rush hour. we asked to swap days and she went nuts and refused. but because she wanted to go to the beach on Wednesday so cancelled our contact and now wants us to have them extra over the weekend. she also wants to piss about in September for a family wedding by picking them up on the Saturday afternoon and bringing them back Sunday morning. I have said no as the time she wants to bring them back is when I will be due at a christening so have said she either brings them earlier or keeps them all weekend as their dad will have been at work the night before so will be in bed. she is currently flipping out that it's our weekend so we should be having them back.

Ffs why is it all their way or no way? she is off her bloody rocker and I am ready to blow my stack.

[catsmother]

Because the sort of ex you're describing is the selfish type who doesn't give a damn about anyone else (including, often, her own kids) so long as she gets what she wants. I guess if you're that way inclined the "possession is 9/10 of the law" thing comes in to play when you want to cancel scheduled contact with the NRP as you can simply refuse to answer calls, answer the door or turn up to the designated handover spot (if applicable). However, when she wants you to have them outside the schedule - or outside what's been fairly negotiated - then you have every right to put your foot down and let her flip. No way should you cancel going to the christening ... you've given her options to work round that, which anyone else would recognise as you trying to be reasonable and offer a compromise, so the ball's back in her court and if she doesn't like it tough.

I know exactly how you feel because DP's ex is the same. Years and years of last minute cancelled contact (including a holiday that had been agreed for 8 months which cost us almost several hundreds), years and years of times and dates being changed, contact cancelled altogether (usually advised by text BTW so she didn't have to converse), many occasions when DP had a 5 hr round trip to find they weren't in and she wasn't answering her phone, and ultimately, prolonged periods of no contact at all. But the moment we couldn't facilitate "extra" or "different" contact for very good reasons (which was extremely rare believe me as DP usually jumped through hoops to accommodate her as he was so scared of contact breaking down further) she'd literally shout and scream and accuse DP of neglecting his duty, not wanting to see his kids and so on.

Of course not all exes are like this .... I managed to negotiate like a normal and honest adult human being with my ex for over 10 years. Neither of us took the piss and it was rare we couldn't sort out some sort of compromise when needed. Knowing it can be done - and should be done IMO so the children don't end up feeling stuck in the middle - makes me all the more infuriated with DP's spiteful ex.

[wheresthelight]

I know mot all are like it but it's hard not to generalise when cross!

she did the same over the holiday earlier this month. I made dp email her at the beginning of Feb to arrange the 3 weeks we were to have the kids including the dates we would be taking them away and 3 days before we went she claimed to know nothing about it despite having had numerous discussions over ot as dsc's birthday was while we would be away.

she drives me nuts but she has definitely not like being played at her own game. we have quoted back at her (well dp has) all the crap she spouts at us about disruption of their routine etc.

she has to have it all her way and it really pisses me off. I go out of my way to accommodate her when the kids are ill or school is on strike and she needs me to have the kids whilst I was on maternity leave and now I am a sahm but she still isn't happy.

it's exactly as you say about selfish and ignoring calls etc.

everyone expects and condemns men for being that's over contact but mum's that do it get away with it

[ZoeWannaBaker]

She is probably not off her rocker, but just wants to ensure her plans are solid. She may be trying to double guess your actions, - possibly thinking, 'they've changed contact - they MUST HAVE KNOWN I had plans GRRRR! etc

Try to be flexible wherever possible, but appointments trump her arrangements, are there any GPs Aunts Uncles who can take up the slack.

Also remember the contact arrangements are for time spent with their FATHER, not you, and not for you to be her free babysitter in his absence.

[wheresthelight]

I would agree if she hadn't known about the appointment for months. She is told via email and text and verbally but then denies she knows anything and then gets nasty when dp points out the texts amd emails to her

she really is off her rocker

[JoanJettPack]

I feel your pain op.
We have cancelled our plans last minute and bent over backwards to accommodate dp's ex's changes countless times. In fact, we're having dsd all next week because she can't be arsed has made plans to see her other dc's gps.

We've asked her to swap days twice. Once was the day I was in hospital having a mc. She said no, but she would hang on to dsd until we were able to come home (very compassionate of her) and the other was the day after our wedding. We had dsd for an extra 6 hours on the Saturday because she was a bridesmaid, but we had to collect her at the usual time on the Sunday (9am) meaning we had to check out of our hotel at 7.30 so we wouldn't be late.

If we even attempt to negotiate with her over her changes, she stops contact, but it's fine for her to turn down our requests.

She's off her rocker, too. Infuriating!

[TheCunkOfPhilomena]

People are people. I could generalise about ALL non resident parents and step parents based on my experience with DS' dad and his gf, but I don't. This is because I realise it isn't always the case.

Don't let that get in the way of you slagging off all ex wives though eh?

[wheresthelight]

chuck did you bother to read the post saying I know not all are same but it's hard not to generalise when cross???


rtft

[TheCunkOfPhilomena]

I don't generalise because I know it's not a correct assumption. HTH.

[wheresthelight]

Oh get off your high horse.

[TheCunkOfPhilomena]

Calm down. Your problem is with one person not all ex partners.

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

Nice retort OP

I always wondered what sort of women take on the useless tossers that couldn't get it right the first time around

Just to add balance to the thread

[JoanJettPack]

It's not a generalisation. Op pointed this out. I'm not generalising, I'm sympathising and pointing out how unreasonable my dh's ex is specifically. I'm an ex wife myself and I didn't see the title and think, "oh, they're slagging us all off." I thought, "ooh, someone is pissed off and having a bit of a vent. I have been in that situation, I'll see if I can help." hth

[LineRunner]

I am an ExW and my OH has an ExW. I am sure we all seem off our rockers to each other from time to time.

Life is full of arrangements and resentments, logistics and let downs.

[OwlCapone]

Well my DP's ex wife has just asked today if I will take dsd to school every day the first week back at school. I've extremely reluctantly said yes, but only because we need her to return the favour in a few weeks so I've had to smile through gritted teeth about it.

So, it's an OK thing to ask when you need it but when the mother asks, it's something to be done reluctantly and through gritted teeth? That makes no sense whatsoever.

[TheMumsRush]

That sound awful wheresthelight. Glad your DH told her how it is

[WakeyCakey45]

Well, quite.

What is a favour to be asked of a stepparent is usually a parental responsibility - and there should be no comparison between the two!

[OwlCapone]

Perhaps your DSDs father should step up and do something then, what with him being her father and everything.

[OwlCapone]

Classic double standards.

[WakeyCakey45]

needa I'm with you - parents have a responsibility to care for their DCs, so if their mum expects you to do it, she is asking you a favour, but if you expect her to do it, then she is fulfilling her parental obligation!
It's not the same to compare what a stepparent does with what a parent does, because (despite the opinion of some on MN) your DSC is not your child and you have no obligations towards them.

[LineRunner]

Has the OP changed name??