Please give me a 'bop'on the nose

[Teslaedison]

I am not allowed nothing whatsoever in the slightest to do with my partners children.

Am I being a cow when I talk to my partner and say ' I don't know them, I am not allowed to know them, so they are nothing to me'

[PourquoiTuGachesTaVie]

Yes a little bit I think.

They mean something to your partner who you presumably love, so if anything happened to them it would affect your partner which would presumably affect you?

[plinth]

Yes. It sounds like a rather childish thing to say.

[WakeyCakey45]

No, I don't think you're being a cow for disengaging.
But, he wouldn't be unreasonable to ask you for your support and engagement with his role as a Dad, despite your exclusion from his DCs lives., either.

It depends how strongly you each feel and whether you are prepared to compromise.

[riverboat1]

It very much depends on the context of your relationship, why you're not allowed to know them and what prompted you to say it in the first place. But on the whole it sounds like an uneccessary thing to say. 'They are nothing to me' is really strongly worded and harsh.

[Cabrinha]

If it is their mother that doesn't allow it, you're being horrid to him saying that.

If it is him that doesn't allow it, and without very good reason that is in their interests, then you shouldn't bother being with him.

So you're either in the wrong,or with the wrong man.

[shey03]

Op, to understand, what is the reason that you are not allowed to see them?

[yoyo27]

I don't think you're wrong to think it. But possibly wrong to say it x

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

If I wasn't allowed near my dps kids what'dthe point being with him? If you planto spend the rest of your life with him then forever is a long time to not be allowed near his kids who pressumablu mean the world to him. What happens in contact days? Are you there or do you go out / not visit? Seems like a miserable way of life for everyone.

If their mother is stopping you seeing them then your dp really has to man up and tell her you are there to stay and it would be nice for the kids to get to know you as his friend if nothing else.

I think what you said is a bit harsh but I don't blame you for feeling it. Dp has an unconditional love for his kids and you don't have to love them or even like them so it's hard. How would you feel if a partner told you your kids meant nothing to him?

I Think it's fair to say you don't them. But do the kids really mean 'nothing' to you? Or Re you just trying to detatch? Maybe something like 'I'm not allowed to know your kids so I find it hard to have feelings towards them.' Maybe dp will help and try to help the situation. Xx

[WakeyCakey45]

if I wasn't allowed near my dps kids what'dthe point being with him

That's a pov that has never even crossed my mind, despite being excluded from my DSC lives by their mother (and themselves).
Throughout all the drama and chaos, it never occurred to us to separate - certainly we discussed the benefits of living separately in order to facilitate his relationship with his DCs, but our marriage is not defined or dependant on my involvement in his DCs lives.

I know of plenty of successful stepmums whose engagement with their DSC is limited to a polite good morning at the breakfast table, and a meal out at Xmas. It works because everyone is happy with the level of engagement that SM has in the DCs lives.
I get the impression from the OPs post that she and her DP do not agree on the level of engagement she should have, and that her comments are borne of frustration.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I suppose you find a solution that works but I personally couldn't live with my dp if I couldn't be involved in their lives to some degree. My DSC are 10 and 7 and spend half the week with us every week so it would be hard if their mum was dead set against me engaging with them.
She's difficult enough as it is.
It totally depends on circumstance and what you want from the relationship. I just think forever is a long time to go feeling that way.

[shey03]

I think I can see through the OP's words to what she actually is feeling. It's almost impossible to feel anything towards people who are strangers to you I guess. And when they are also your dp's nearest and dearest, it must be worse than being strangers, it must be quite souldestroying. It sounds like you are not quite at peace with the detachment?

If you are detached for whatever reason, you still need to empathise a bit and choose your words more wisely as this is your duty really, if he is the man that you love. You want to show your love for him in understanding/respecting his love for his children. Obviously this would be harder if he is the obstacle to the relationship with them that you would probably like to build. If it is him, then I guess it's understandable, I'd ditch and run...

[Teslaedison]

Thank you all for your words.

As shey03 said, I am not at peace with the detachment but I love him and I need to empathise a bit.

I am a bit embarrassed now at the horrible things I have said about his children. It is SO hard to have any feelings towards his children when I am not allowed to have anything to do with them. How can I love this man when I am excluded from an intrinsic part of his life? His children.

He lives in my house with my children (I am a widow). My children like him. We do stuff together as a 'family', but when it comes to contact with his children, it's a big fat juicy no from their mother.

WakeyCakey45 said something which struck a cord: "but our marriage is not defined or dependant on my involvement in his DCs lives."

This is going to sound so childish but, I love him so much and it's like I don't exist when it comes to his kids.

I need to be a better and more understanding person.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

[Thumbwitch]

So your partner's ex is refusing to allow them to have anything to do with you? That sounds a bit appalling, how does your partner feel about that?
Does the ex threaten to withdraw all contact if he lets them meet you?
Is contact court-ordered, or voluntary?

I think if he is just going along with his ex to keep the peace then that's a bit shit, actually - if you are his chosen partner, and he is living with you, then he should be able to incorporate both sides of his life and his children should at least have the chance to meet you and see the woman their father is living with.

What if you have another baby with him? Would they be refused contact with their new half-sibling?

[Teslaedison]

For example: he brought his children to the sailing club. Next, letter from solicitor to no contact as we should 'respect her wishes' No contact for a week.

Another thing which grates. I sent a booking confirmation of our holiday to his old email address. 11.40pm I have the police banging on the door saying that I am harassing her by rubbing her nose in the fact that we are going on holiday. No contact for a week.

I just don't understand.

[Thumbwitch]

The police? that seems a touch extreme!

[shey03]

OP I really feel for you and have to say in a similar situation, though not quite as bad, it really does hurt but support through Mumsnet has made me feel alot better. Keep posting, keep sharing, it will help. Hugs x

[shey03]

I feel you partner needs to support you more. Even initially if it's just talking about 'the elephant in the room' as another poster put it. Even if he just acknowledged the problem (as this is most definitely not normal or ideal to be polite) and said 'I know it's shit and not fair, but I really love/respect/appreciate you for supporting me and putting up with it'... I bet that would help wouldn't it? Is communication with him tough?

[Teslaedison]

Thank you.

I think that I need to grow up.

[shey03]

Don't be too hard on yourself. You have created a happy home for you, your dc and your new partner, despite your tragedy. So you must be doing something right.

It's awful when we feel that a third party has such an influence on your life. But you can't deal with all the baggage yourself and this relationship inequality that you have found yourself in needs talking about. You need your dp's emotional support and APPRECATION for a start. Because as it stands, he has everything he needs, a family life with you and his kids when he's not with you. Doing nothing is a great option for a dad in this position, as upsetting the ex means he may lose his kids, upsetting you, well, he may lose you too. If you are not okay with this and see a future with this man, things will need to start changing.

Another route that way help in the short term, develop your own interests and those of your dc. Get some hobbies that your dp is not involved in, make arrangements with friends and family and get busy while he's away being dad! This is for you to fill up these times and also curiously, I wonder how he would react to you doing things away from him and to not even consider inviting him.

[catsmother]

I agree with Thumbwitch - this does sound appalling, not only the mother's attitude but also your DP's IMO.

Unless the mother has genuine reason for you not seeing the children - e.g. if you were a violent criminal, a heroin addict or a raging alcoholic - she has no right to insist you don't. The children are also your DP's and he should be capable of deciding what people, places and experiences are appropriate for them to see and do. Presumably, he has no power of veto over anyone she introduces them to ?

Okay .... so with someone this unreasonable, I totally "get" why he's reluctant to rock the boat as contact is used as a punishment when he "transgresses" and unfortunately many NRPs with unreasonable exes are controlled in exactly this way, with an ever present threat of no contact being used by the ex to make demands which aren't fair. However, he should at least be trying to resolve this - out of respect for you (you're not some "dirty secret" and also because he should have an honest relationship with his kids where they're included in all appropriate aspects of his life - including the family life he now has with you .... which (shock horror) might actually be a positive experience for them). If the ex messes with contact I think he should obtain a contact order meaning, in theory at least, that she can't just pull contact on a whim (and if she does she'll be in breach of court). This is relatively easy to do and pay for if you self rep and the ex would have to come up with very good reasons in court for preventing you seeing the kids - it's likely that if she tried she'd end up looking like a complete fool.

All the while he does nothing he's not only being disrespectful to you (IMO) but also potentially compounding the issue for the future. If contact is used as a threat what else might she demand and/or try to control this way ? My feeling is that if this sort of thing isn't nipped in the bud as soon as possible you end up living in limbo and not really being in control of your own life because you never really know how the ex is going to act in any given situation where she doesn't get her own way. As Thumbwitch also said, what'll happen if you have a child together ? It's crazy that your DP is compartmentalising his life and not a healthy situation for him or his kids. Whether the ex likes it or not he has a life with you now - and effectively denying that when he sees his kids is ridiculous. No-one's suggesting you must always be around when he sees them but for them never - presumably - to set foot in their father's home and participate in normal family life with him is a farce.

With all that in mind, whilst I don't think it's right you say "horrible things" about his kids, I do also think it's perfectly understandable for you to say they mean nothing to you - you don't know them ! I hope your DP isn't pressuring you to assume some sort of false "feeling" for them, that's just silly in the circumstances and he needs to step up and sort this out for your sake and for their theirs. His too really, he's letting himself be controlled by a (spiteful ? vengeful ?) ex for no good reason. And personally, I find it extremely unattractive to have a partner kow-tow to an ex because they're frightened of her - it really affects the respect you have for them when they'd rather upset you and/or accept something very unfair, than stand up to her.

Also, why, if you send anything to his email, is she able to access that ? Think it's about time he changed his password(s) surely ? And setting the police on you sounds more like she's doing the harassing - I'm very surprised they'd have responded to such a complaint, has she made other accusations ? To protect yourselves make sure you record every communication with her, just in case this "harassment" thing escalates.

[catsmother]

P.S. I don't think you should "grow up" - I think you should get angry with him! Has he said you should "grow up" .... i.e. he's dismissing, downplaying the hurt you feel about this in order to detract attention away from his doormatty behaviour and failure to be assertive about this ?

[picnicbasketcase]

It sounds like you're not the one who needs to grow up. Why is his ex checking his emails and interpreting the result as you harassing her? For goodness sake tell him to change his password. She's using the children to punish him for anything she doesn't like. Now that's childish and cruel.

[Guitargirl]

I don't quite understand this. Police don't get involved like this unless there is evidence of harassment and one email sent in error is not harassment. Why is the solicitor saying there should be no contact? What are the grounds for that?