14 year old dsd wants nothing to do with me - perspective desperately needed, please

[Nofoolnomore]

Hi, please could you tell me how you'd feel if you were in this situation?

I've been with my lovely bf for over a year and a half and we both hope our relationship will be permanent and hopefully move in together etc.

I understand his daughter must always come first and I try to be as supportive as possible. She lives with her mum and sees her dad/my bf once or twice a week depending on his work pattern.

She has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me. I believe it's nothing personal as she's just as insistent she'd want nothing to do with her mum's boyfriend, should she ever have one. They've been divorced 7 years. This means my bf has an important aspect of his life of which I'm not a part of or included in. I don't know why I feel so hurt - I can't be pragmatic about it - even though I have my own life/interests.

I'm in turmoil about this and don't know what to do. She is 14 so her wishes definitely have to be respected - it would be cruel to try to force the situation. My fb says he talks in general to her about me and hopes in time (probably when she is a lot older) she might change her mind. My gut feeling is she won't. Apparently she hates change...

I can't work out why I'm so bothered/upset by this situation. We won't be able to move in together etc if his daughter refuses to have nothing to do with me. Yet, we can have a relationship living separately...

At what point does dad's/bf's understanding for his daughter's feelings/wishes become pandering? Am I being outrageously selfish even using that word?

Of course we've talked about this and he says all he can do is hope she'll change her mind.

Please can you give me your views/perspective on this as I can no longer see the wood for the trees!

Many thanks in advance x

[Purpleroxy]

It sounds like it's not personally directed at you so I would carry on and try not to worry. Have either of her parents introduced previous partners to her not for the relationship not to work out? Perhaps once you've been on the scene a few years or if you get married, she will see it as permanent and change her mind?

[WakeyCakey45]

If your B/F isn't prepared to support his DD to accept you, then there's not a lot you can do.

If he, or his ex, want a meaningful cohabiting relationship with a partner, then they are entitled to do so; their daughters resistance to change is not a good enough reason, IMO, for them to compromise their lives so significantly.

If I were in your position, I would be expecting my b/f to be seeking professional support to help his DD come to terms with her parents lives moving on - if he's not willing to commit to that, then perhaps you and he want different things from your relationship?

[Nofoolnomore]

Thank you for your swift reply Purpleroxy. I just can't get to the crux of why I'm so bothered by it x

[Nofoolnomore]

Exactly Wakey...at the moment he has his daughter and has me...why would he want to rock the boat. He says maybe when she is 16/17 he may have to put his foot down a bit but not while she is still so young...

[LadyLemongrab]

In what way is this actually causing a problem?

Do you actively want to move in together but he's saying no because of this?

Do you want to be present during his contact time with her?

I may be misunderstanding the situation but it seems that she just wants to see her dad on her own as she has, presumably, always done.

[Nofoolnomore]

He seems insistent his daughter can't dictate how he lives his life/he's not going to throw away our relationship. Something just does not sit comfortably with me. Words versus actions...

[LadyLemongrab]

But what is it you actually want? You haven't really said.

[Nofoolnomore]

LadyLemongrab - you are so right and I can't blame her! What would she have to gain by sharing her dad time with me?

I don't know what my problem is.

[Viviennemary]

I think you must respect her decision. She for the present wants nothing to do with you and that is her choice IMHO. I think I'd feel the same under the circumstances. Nothing personal but just the situation.

[Nofoolnomore]

LadyLemongrab - I wish I could be a part of their lives and some times be included in meals or the occasional day out. I don't want to intrude in their relationship...just know I'm some times welcome to be a small part of it.

[Nofoolnomore]

Viviennemary - thank you for replying.

[riverboat1]

You have to really think about your future and what YOU want, and what risks you are prepared to take.

Yes you can give it time and she might come round, but I think she's unlikely to change her current views without her dad setting firmer expectations of her, as she has no motivation to do so. From what you say, her dad doesn't intend to do anything except 'hope' she'll change her mind? I'd be looking for something more than that tbh - like him at least agreeing you need to meet her at some point soon.

If you're carefree and happy to take things slowly then sure give it more time and see what happens, but if you're really looking to settle down, have kids etc in the next few years then I would be really wary about continuing the way things are. You don't even know what he's like in parent mode, or what SHE is like or would be like to live with. These are things you need to know if you are thinking of a future with him.

At the end of the day if he wants to do as his child wishes it's his choice, but you need to decide whether you can live with that and what it might mean for the (non) future of your relationship. And you need to make your position clear to him.

[Nofoolnomore]

Riverboat1 - thank you - very helpful. I've met her briefly 3 times. She was polite but virtually hid behind her dad!

It is a bit of a gamble. This section on mumsnet is full of step-parenting issues/problems. Maybe I should be counting my blessings!!!

[Viviennemary]

I was giving my thoughts on how I'd feel if I was that child. But on the other hand why can your relationship not progress to you moving in together and then it will be up to her what she does. I agree that she has no movitivation to change her mind as the adults have accepted their relationship can't progress because of your DP's daughter.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I feel for your dp . He can't move on with his life because his dd won't accept it.

His dd sounds incredibly selfish. (Without knowing the full background to her actions this is how it comes accross)

I wouldn't take it personally but I think your dp needs to address this issue with her if he is to have a relationship in future.

My dp loves his 2 children and will do anything for them but they won't stop having a relationship with me.

Maybe his dd is scared of being left behind if he is with you.

Its up to him to reassure her she is alwAys welcome/ wanted/ needed I his life and that in no way is she being replaced or forgotten.

Child's wishes should be respected but to me this is rediculous. She might turn out to loVe you to bits once she gets to know you and she isn't even giving you a chance.

It's a tough situation but if dp is happy to continue with the relationship and you love him then maybe over time his dd will come round once she realsises you are here to stay. You maybe have to accept he has this part of life your not part of.

[riverboat1]

Nofool - you can count your blessings now, definitely, it's undoubtedly SIMPLER this way in the short term, but it's not a long term solution.

The problem is for how long you continue to invest in this relationship while running the risk that she will never 'come round'. Are you prepared to wait the 2 or 3 years suggested by your DP until a change to the present situation?

[MarianneSolong]

I suppose adolescence is a time when it's particularly difficult to accept that your parents have their own sexual needs and feelings.

But I feel that part of being a good parent is giving children some kind of insight into adult relationships. So while your partner is obviously right in wanting to have time when he can just catch up with his daughter and be there for her, it seems wrong that he's planning to put limits on your relationship simply because his daughter is afraid of things changing.

I think if he wasn't willing to let your relationship progress over the coming months, I'd be tempted to think he was insufficiently committed to you, and there wasn't much future for you as a couple.

Step-relationships usually work best when the two adults - parent of the child and their new partner - are able to communicate well and work together.

[Nofoolnomore]

alwaystryingtobeafriend - I actually think my bf is being selfish towards me - entering into a relationship knowing how his daughter is and expecting a girlfriend to be understanding/patient etc.

His daughter is 14 - teenagers are notoriously selfish. it's a developmental thing and they grow out of it so I kind of 'get it'/understand it.

riveboat1 - exactly! I love him but I don't have faith that his promises/attitude that; "she'll just have to get used to it" are going to be transferred into actions. My gut feeling is there will always be problems and I should get out now (other minor issues re him) but my love for him is keeping it going but also hurting me.

Thank you for your replies

[Nofoolnomore]

MarianneSoLong - I agree 100% with you. Thank you

[Whereisegg]

What was the break up like?
Perhaps she remembers arguments/silences/atmpospheres.
Perhaps her dm leant heavily on her afterwards.

Any of her friends parents splitting up?
Maybe some of her friends parents are now splitting from step-parents and she wants to save herself from this scenario by not becoming close to new partners herself?

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I hope you didn't think I was being cheeky (I have an unfortunate tone) I think your dp is being slightly selfishand it's a shame if you are in love it must be So hard. big hugs I really feel bad for you.

I don't know what you should do. Best of luck huni xx

[lunar1]

How many relationships has he had since they broke up? I only ask because if it's a few she may just not want to bother meeting the next one. This is how my brother and I felt. Our dad brought revolving step mums home and after the fifth one we really couldn't be bothered anymore.

Not helpful I know but if this is the case she may come round the longer you are together.

[brdgrl]

I think if he wasn't willing to let your relationship progress over the coming months, I'd be tempted to think he was insufficiently committed to you, and there wasn't much future for you as a couple.
This. I actually would not be at all willing to stay in a relationship with a man who - after a year and a half - was letting his child dictate the terms of the relationship. As you say, you are being excluded from a significant portion of his life, and clearly you are not able to move the relationship forward in significant ways.
I would really wonder about what kind of present or future I'd be able to have with a man who wasn't really willing to treat me as his partner.
I also think that at her age, it is a pretty 'normal' position for her to hold - especially given that she hasn't been challenged on it - but that doesn't make it a healthy one. Many kids will begin from a position of not wanting change, but be the better for it, and that applies in this situation as much as any other.

[brdgrl]

I also think she is extremely unlikely to just up and change her mind without any pressure to do so and without the opportunity to come to know you.

[UselessNess]

As long as the DD is not dictating what her Dad gets up to then I don't see how it is selfish of her not to want to get to know his new partner (the OP)

My dad had quite a few partners throughout my teen years and I didn't particularly want to hang out with them. I was polite to them and I certainly never said or thought anything negative about them to my Dad but they were strangers to me. I didn't spend that much time with my dad so when I did I liked to be with him rather than being with him and his girlfriend. I don't think it was ever a problem as I think he wanted to spend time with me too.

I was happy my Dad was happy with them, I wasn't jealous and I didn't feel like I was competing for his attention. That would have been weird

It's possible that the DD in the OP has been reasonable about the situation and simply requested that she not be involved with her parents new partners. The fact that she was polite to the OP when she met her would support this. She might not be the selfish controlling person that some posters are assuming her to be.