DP's relationship with the mother of his children

[msevs]

I just wanted an outlet as this has been bugging me since the weekend. We had our first child together a few weeks ago and managed a mini break last weekend for the first time since the birth. Obviously I was looking forward to time together as a couple, but the theme throughout was my DP's ex.

She seemed to be on his mind a lot, he talked about how she is with their children, they can't cope with her behaviour just like he couldn't, how she always complains that she has no money. He joked that he would ask her to care for our baby when I return to work because childcare is so expensive because she loves the whole baby thing and the attention. He then wondered if she is getting broody again now and thought it must be only a matter of time since her youngest is starting school soon. He has always seemed annoyed by the number of children she has had since they split and is always making 'jokes' about it. I didn't instigate the conversations about his ex, he did and they were seperate conversations over the weekend.

Last night he made a search on a property website on the house he shared with his ex, he continued living there for years following the split but sold it five years ago. He admitted that he searches for it every now and then as it comes on the market quite often, and he is curious about what it looks like now.

All of this just made me think that I underestimated her importance to him because he hasn't talked about her as much since we first met eight years ago. He has always been bitter and quite dismissive about her to me, even though they are civil with each other when they meet. Ever since my pregnancy I feel as if he has been talking about her more often, maybe understandably, but it bothers me because I feel he should be focusing on me and our baby at the moment, yet he is obviously preoccupied with her and his past. Am I being too sensitive? Have any of you had similar experiences?

[GreenGrassStains]

I would think nothing of looking up the house - my father looked up every house he'd ever lived in on google maps when he first worked it out and showed me all the changes enthusiastically, I think that's just a curiosity thing.

The talking about her all seems negative, so it could be he's still bitter and dislikes that his children are being cared for by her in a way he doesn't like, and that he may feel they've been 'replaced' or weren't good enough by her having so many since?!

Just my first thoughts obviously I don't know him or the situation but I don't think you have anything to worry about I bet she's only on his mind because she's such a big influence on his children and it bothers him.

[Whereisegg]

I too think looking up the house is ok in itself, but I would be pretty hurt if my dp talked so much about his ex on our weekend away.

Is he hinting he wants his dc to move in when he says they can't cope with her?

[gingercat2]

I'm wondering if having a baby brings memories/emotions up. Nothing to do with any remaining desired to be with her or anything, just emotional memories, and he feels safe enough with you emotionally to express it.

My dp shared some info about his ex on the day our daughter was born that I found confronting. I'd assumed the reasons to be those I mentioned above.

But you may have to be a bit assertive and tell him politely that got don't want to talk about his ex any more for today.

[purpleroses]

I don't think his talking about her is a cause for concern, from what you say. It may be that he's feeling nice and secure in your relationship that he feels able to chat idly about her.

But if it's bothering you, then it's quite OK to say "I'm a bit fed up hearing about your ex, can we talk about something else?"

[msevs]

I do think having a baby is bringing up memories and emotions from his previous relationship, which I can understand to an extent, but I am torn because although I like the fact that he can share these things with me, it upsets me that he talks to me more about his ex and his older children than we ever seem to discuss our own relationship and child. I hate that it appears we are always second in his thoughts. He couldn't even remember our baby's date of birth three weeks later, yet he can recall everything from his DSD's birth over a decade ago.

Whereisegg, he said that the children can't cope with their mother after asking me if they could stay over on a weeknight from now on as well as every other weekend. According to him, he had asked me before but I couldn't remember, admittedly I can't remember much since having the baby. So yes, he does want them around more often and would probably like for them to move in.

I know he is worried that they are getting older now and won't want anything to do with him soon as they will be with their friends on the weekends. He does talk about their mother being a negative influence on them sometimes, but he also says that she is generally a good mother. It's just recently that things have cropped up and she has told DSD to go and live with us, but only says it out of anger and then changes her mind, however it has confused DSD.

DP also feels that she is unfair on DSS and is always hard on him. He thinks this is because they broke up not long after DSS's birth, and it was that event which finally destroyed their relationship. I think the children feel themselves that their mother does not have much time for them, which may be why DP is so bitter about her having more children.

[Elizabeth120914]

I think your being very mature- I wouldn't be especially just after having a baby. My OH made a few clumsy comments when I was first pregnant about dsd and the ex and I shot him down in flames. I don't want a relationship which is so comfortable we talk about the mother of dsd. She is vile and pretty useless as a person i don't like thinking of them together although they weren't really but it's not a thought I want in my mind.

Maybe u haven't had the same issues we have but she's caused a huge amount of trouble in this house and made some pretty poor decisions regarding Dsds upbringing too which will effect her future.

Dsd is a Seperate member of our family to me - the mother isn't so not really worthy of chatting about certainly not on holiday!

If it's upsetting u tell him! If I sat on holiday discussing my exes my OH would be fuming so why is it ok that yours should with you? Your right he should be focusing on you and your new baby. Just tell him your not comfortable with it and you feel sidelined.. I think because we make alot of sacrifices with step kids we sometimes start doing it in the relationship - DONT.

I'm sure some people would be ok with it but I've discussed previous partners in other relationships and it was a big mistake. Obviously with step families there's no avoiding it all together but no need to encourage it either. He's been with you 8 years so he's obviously reminiscing but for me it's not on tell him..

[Romeyroo]

They are a bizarre set of comments, though - on one hand, he is saying that his dc can't cope with living with their mum; on the other hand, he is saying their mum can look after your dc when you go back to work .

He sounds a bit mixed up. I think that having a new baby has stirred things up he has not really dealt with - i.e. he could not cope with staying with the mother of his first dc (implies he left?), but he is also aware he lost out on family time and dc growing up (which will be a fear playing on his mind now that you have had a baby, and possibly why he wants them there now, to be more part of his new family?)

I don't know. I can see why you are upset. I think for him, there is an inevitable sense of loss, and it is nothing to do with you, if you see what I mean, it is two separate issues, but it is coming out now because of the new baby, iyswim.

[LineRunner]

Is he saying she is a mother who only likes the baby stage?

My OH sometimes talk about our exes a lot, because in each other we have found a safe space to do this.

[LineRunner]

My OH and I

[msevs]

Yes I think he did say that she prefers the baby stage because she likes all the attention and people visiting her, and so on. I'm nothing like that really. He said that she could look after our dc because she doesn't work and he said she likes babies so much, she'd probably do it for free. It was tongue in cheek though.

He did leave her, but she had an affair and wasn't sure if it was DP or the other guy who was the father of DSS. DP took a paternity test to prove it was him, real Jeremy Kyle stuff. From what he said that was the final nail in the coffin, because she would always start fights with him before that and he found it difficult to live with her. The thing is, according to him she actually didn't want their relationship to come to an end, it was him that left and refused to return. He thinks she is still resentful about it which is why she has a difficult relationship with DSS much of the time.

Part of the problem for me I think is that I actually don't have any serious exes, DP is my first proper live-in relationship, whereas he obviously had his ex as a live in partner for several years and had two kids with her. It's not as if I can ever discuss an ex with him and he knows it. The whole serious relationship and baby experience is completely new for me, but he is able to compare it with another experience. I find that harder to deal with than I expected.

I do feel a real sense of loss from him because of his past and that bothers me a lot, not just because he has done it all before with someone else, but because to me it is all new and I feel that sadness taints the entire thing, where it should be positive. Even little things like he only ever takes photos of the baby when his older kids are with her, we have no photos of us as a couple with our baby. I honestly thought it was all in the past but this has obviously dredged it all up for him again.

[Romeyroo]

Yes, the photo thing is like your DD fits into the family he has, whereas for you, the birth of your DD is like creating a family.

I don't think it sounds malicious to you deliberately. I think previous posters are right that you can gently point out that you don't want to hear about the ex any more. I am wondering maybe if, as well as loss, he is worried history will repeat itself in some way.

[msevs]

Yeah that's exactly it, Romeyroo. It is creating a new family for me but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I have several friends who have started families at the same time as me, and it has been the first time for them and their partner, their experience has been so different to mine because they became first time parents together and it's all new and exciting. I suppose I feel a loss in that sense as well. I also don't know anybody in real life that is in a similar situation so have nobody to discuss it with or who can really empathise with me.

I don't think my DP means it maliciously either, it's just that it still hurts whether he is aware of what he's doing or not. I probably do need to point it out to him that he talks about gis ex too much. Maybe he is worried that history will repeat itself, but I don't think so. I think he does feel secure with me and knows I'm nothing like her.

[Elizabeth120914]

As I said previously I am in exactly the same boat but I'm not a councillor.. Not being horrible but I really think you are being far too nice to someone who is being totally insensitive and leaning on you with emotions that aren't fair!

I am starting a new family with OH he has a daughter too I know that but it's the only time me and him will have our first baby together and it's not going to be all about her and his ex. I've made it totally clear I want to find my own way with things like any normal first time parent and we will work it out between us.

I have got other long term relationships although not with children and I don't discuss them with OH they are over for a reason and I don't need to compare or discuss them to make him feel hurt or insecure and I expect the same.

Yes we talk about dsd she is a big part of life but not her mother she's nothing to do with me. If it's hurting u tell him u won't get any apreciaiton for letting it go on and on it will hair hurt u more.

Make a point of taking pics on your own, at Christmas we have pics of the family, pics of the three of us with dsd and pics of just us like normal families. It's all sounds like it's very forced to fill a gap. I feel worry for the youngest step child being blamed for the relationship. I don't think it's healthily to be discussing what went wrong years later with a new partner I'd be concerned why he's so bothered he's with you so your happiness should be more important than reminiscing on a cheating ex.

[Romeyroo]

No, I didn't mean to suggest that you were like her; more like he is going over all the reasons (out loud) his relationship with his ex did not work, as a way of reassuring himself that you are nothing like her.

I do think have a chat with him and gently point out you are finding it hurtful. Your feelings are valid, the photo thing IS hurtful.

On the point about friends having different experiences, I would tend to suggest to be happy for them, but don't let it detract from your own experience. If you have friends with newborns, there will be lots of chat over the next few months about development, milestones, who is going back to work etc, which will make your experiences all different.

The most important thing for you and your baby is the foundations of your own relationship. It is about you and your DH as parents, as well as a couple. The first year with a new baby puts the biggest strain on a relationship; you do not know how your friends are actually coping and will continue to cope. There will be advantages in having a DH who has done it before, who knows it can be rough at times, who does not want history to repeat itself. The problem is that he sees a blended family, whereas you are seeing a new family, so you need to work on bringing those perspectives together. Talk to him about how you are feeling .

[msevs]

Thank you both. I am relieved that you also find the photo thing hurtful as sometimes I'm not sure if I'm being too sensitive about things, especially now with my hormones all over the place. What further compounded that issue for me, as well as the issue with his ex, is that DP and his ex had a photo taken of them together with DSD at her birthday party, only a few days after our baby's birth and the day after I returned from hospital. This photo is up on his ex's Facebook account apparently. DSD had no other photos taken with family members that day, just her parents and her friends.

DP didn't tell me about the photo being taken until a family member of his told him it was up on Facebook, I suppose he was worried I'd find out about it myself since I am friends with DSD on it. It upsets me more knowing that this photo was taken especially when it was, knowing that we still don't have a photo of us together with our child and she had only just been born at that point.

I know I need to sit down and have a proper chat with DP about this, I suppose it's just finding the time to do it when we have a demanding baby and the DSC are over more often during the holidays etc. I know there are advantages to DP having done it all before as well, and his DC are nice kids generally speaking, it's just the situation.

Elizabeth, I have wondered if I have been too nice about things especially since moving to our new house recently, his ex has been inside the house twice and the DSC have given her a tour, even her father has been as well! Imagine how awkward it was, sitting in our bedroom and being introduced to DP's ex's father. I couldn't argue about it with DP at the time because I know the DSC's had asked last minute if they could see the new house and I know it was important to them, but looking back it does feel like the boundaries were pushed a bit too much and I was uncomfortable with it.

[Romeyroo]

SDCs seeing the house is one thing, ex-wife and ex-father-in-law is another. Why?? Quite intrusive. Have you guys got a big age difference?

[Elizabeth120914]

Very intrusive .. It sounds like your OH doesn't realise where the boundaries are possibly because you have been so kind and receptive - time to stop now!

Get your phone out and take a pic of the three of u now, there should be pics of you up in ur house just do it really casually. If he resists there's an issue if not he's a typical insensitive bloke!

Regarding the tour id be mortified if I was in the bedroom
And all those people appeared whoever they were again it's just not very respectful at all he should have popped up and asked.

We have the opposite with Dsds mum she has never been outside our house let alone in as we do all pick ups as drop offs. I have never been in their house either. I understand the kids are excited but it's your house as well as OHs and her father too.?

Time to put your foot down before it gets any worse I'd be ripping my hair out in your shoes. Your his partner not just a friend it's time to get him to see your feelings too .. I think he so caught up in guilt or being one happy family he has totally forgotten you in all this and the new family he has made you and the step kids being family I get but not the blinking ex and inlaws that's just bonkers in my eyes have a think what you can and won't accept and just tell him it's your home'!!

As I said before it's your first baby and your entitled to all the fun and excitement that goes with it tell him doesn't matter if the kids are there or not ur not having a row your explaining your hurt that shouldn't cause any upset at all x

[msevs]

DP is almost eight years older than me, Romeyroo. It was DSD that asked if the ex and her father could see the house, she asked while being dropped off by them on different occassions. That was odd in itself, as the ex hardly ever does pick ups or drop offs, and I have never known her father to do any before and has not done any since, so I think they came for that purpose alone. I actually went up to the bedroom as I thought DP would know not to bring his ex father in law up there, clearly I was wrong! It was very awkward, I still cringe thinking about it.

DP does want it all to be happy families. He has always had a cordial relationship with his ex in laws and even with his ex's current DP, it's like he prides himself on this sometimes and I know it's better than outright warring, especially for the DSCs. It's just that I don't really know them at all and I definitely did not want for them to have a tour round our new house.

[Elizabeth120914]

Sounds like he's worried about having a cordial relationship with everyone except u! I find it amazing and I don't know many that would be ok with that at all..

Have you thought about writing this down so he can read it and have a think..? I would hope he is mortified ..? How can anyone be more concerned about the feeling of the ex in laws that their own partner and baby?

[Romeyroo]

I think there is a difference between having a cordial relationship, and having no boundaries. You are not an extended part of the family he used to have.

It is really difficult, and I am not sure what to suggest. It is better than warring, yes, but it is possible to not war and still lead civilly, separate lives. His priority should be your needs (you and new baby). The fact that he feels secure with you should not lead him to ignore your needs.

I think you do need to find the time to talk, otherwise your boundaries might keep getting trashed. It is a good idea, as Elizabeth says, to write things down.

I agree that the ex was being nosy re the house.

The reason I asked about age was because I think sometimes a big gap can lead to a power disparity. Not sure if that is relevant here, though.

[purpleroses]

I don't think its that odd really got kids to want to show their other parent round their new home, nor for a parent to want to see where their DC is spending much of their time. It makes it more normal for them to talk about life in their other home of they know you've seen it. My DCs have shown their dad round our home, which DH didn't have a problem with. And when my ex moved to a new house, he and the DC were keen to show me round. It's just normal, nice and friendly. My DH's ex had been in our house too and I don't have a problem with that.

If you child was going away to boarding school or something you'd want to have a look at where they were staying wouldn't you? If your relationship with your ex is friendly, then why wouldn't you be happy for your DC to show them something exciting in their lives, like a new sibling or a new home. You don't have to spend your life hating your ex, nor your DP's ex.

[msevs]

I have thought of writing it all down instead of talking to him because there's just so much that I've kept inside about the entire thing for a long time now. I know his ex was probably being nosy regarding the house because DP has actually moved house twice from when we first started dating, and she had no interest in seeing the DSC's rooms at his previous house. I can't recall her even going near the place at all, the only person who did was her DP who picked the kids up a few times.

The only difference I can see now is that she knew DP bought this house with me. There have been a few other behaviours from her when something significant happens to us like the house and baby, such as phoning more often, creating a drama so that DP has to come and fetch the kids or has them calling him late at night to tell him they miss him. Maybe it's coincidental but I think she knows how to play him. I have known him long enough to know she never did these kind of things before I lived with him.

purpleroses, I understand your point. I think that's partly why I feel so torn about the entire thing, because my DP can be friendly to his ex after what she did to him, and to his ex's DP, who sees more of his children than he does himself. He even told the DSCs to make sure they said Happy Father's Day to him. He can be mature and grown up about things despite how he may feel about his ex, which makes me feel worse for feeling the way I do about it all.

I don't hate his ex, I don't even know her, have only met her a handful of times and have barely said anything to her beyond hello or goodbye. I know it was important to the DSC that she saw our new house and their new sibling. I suppose it's just a case of having to deal with my own feelings, because I'm the one that finds it hard to be confronted by DP's past all the time, not anybody else. It makes it difficult for me to focus on the present and actually detracts from it. I should be enjoying my new house and baby but instead I'm being distracted by this all the time.

[Elizabeth120914]

It's not your problem it's yours - OHs and yours!! Like you say she wasn't like this before..

When we bought our house we suddenly got dsd asking how much it was the same thing when we bought our car. I've no doubt it wouldn't enter an 11 year olds mind to even ask something like that...? Sounds purely nosey or a control thing like u say she knows how to play him..

You both need to deal with it at the least he needs to have some empathy for his new partner and baby and find some boundaries and then you will be able to work through it aswell. I'd write it all down if even for you always makes me feel much clearer. I'm sure he's totally clueless about the whole thing and when it's so upsetting to you that's totally wrong :(

[purpleroses]

It is a tough time being pregnant. And I think it is OK to say to your DP that you need him to be sensitive to your needs to have your own space to "nest" and create the sense of being a new family. Once you have your own child running around and calling you both mum and dad I think you'll be more secure about everything and hopefully find it easier to be relaxed about your DP's relationship with his ex.

[Benzalkonium]

because there's just so much that I've kept inside about the entire thing for a long time now

This is the aspect of your situation I feel is the biggest problem. The way families deal with exes is horses for courses. But all successful relationships need closeness enough to be able to talk through the things that are bothering each partner. Sounds like your partner is able to do this with you, but somehow there is not space for you to do the same.