step daughter issues

[Melonbreath]

I have a 13 year old step daughter. And we have issues.
She only ever rings when she wants something, other than that she doesn't answer the phone. She only comes when something has been organised that is fun, I'm not against doing things for her but we can't afford much now I have dd and am a sahm.
She cancelled a weekend as we said we can't afford to do what she wanted (talking £100 here) and then wanted over £1000 for a school trip. She said unless we pay she can't go. We're paying, I don't know how I really don't.
She cancelled this weekend as her other family are going roller skating and we hadn't planned anything.
It's really hurting my dh that all she wants from him costs. I'm sick of it.
When she's here she's lovely, she never acts like a classic spoiled brat screaming or anything. She plays beautifully with dd, generally leaves her room tidy, puts stuff in the dishwasher and things.
How do we tackle the fact that dad is seen as a wallet to be opened and nothing more? There is no help from her mother's side as they seem to encourage it

[Elizabeth120914]

Did u see my post above.. We are going through this too because we won't buy the things anymore she now doesn't want to come and is ignoring us..

I know totally how u feel mother in law thinks we should bribe her to come over it doesn't sit right with me. I'm sure things have changed since I was a child but we weren't entertained constantly all weekend and just because the parents are separated I don't think this should be any different. Yes ok leaving them bored isn't fair but by that age they are responsible to being part of the family too and I'm affraid in our house that involves walking the dogs/ picnics/ days out which don't cost a bomb. There's no way we could do it for our own child so I'm not starting it now.

I'm sure many will disagree with me but she should want to come to see her dad? We used to go to grandparents and no it wasn't always fun but that's families your supposed to love ur parents and want to see them.

Does the mother take her on these things? OHs ex doesn't work and buys none of it so I wonder if the motivation comes from home a bit?

We've made it clear she's welcome anytime and she has her room etc but the balls in her court now. She's invited no ones angry if she doesn't come and we will do nice things when we can afford it but we both work full time and don't go out for meals and buy ourselves new clothes OH feels he is not being black mailed by a child! Should say this is OHs opinion not me being evil step mother either before I get told off!

[Meeeep]

If he wants to stop being seen a wallet he has to stop opening it to fund her every whim.

[Melonbreath]

I did just see your post after I did this one and it strikes a massive chord.
She does do things with her mother and 2 other siblings. Her other family also are and have also been very hostile to dh, he is there for money nothing else. To begin with they didn't want that until he got a good job.
It's difficult because dh has to work weekends if we don't have dsd, but she only ever cancels the night before and only by text so it screws that up. It also mucks about with weekends we've organised.
When we tried to say we couldn't afford this overly expensive trip they got very nasty and they said we would ruin it for her, it was dh's responsibility to provide
And basically bullied him into saying yes. He's scared she would never come again.
He has told them we don't have the money we used to and they said i should go back to work.
I am sick and tired of the whole thing. We've given her the biggest bedroom to let her know she is part of this family, she has had treat after treat piled on her over the years, moved heaven and earth and court appearance after court appearance for dh just to see her and it feels
As though it was a waste of time.

[HerRoyalNotness]

We used to have this, a few times of saying NO and sticking to it, re not paying for expensive school trips, or only paying half of a cheaper one, stopped the asking. But her mother wasn't forcing any handouts from us, which makes a difference.

Is the total school trip cost 1k? If so, you really need to discuss with the DSD and mother, and tell her you can only pay half (which is your share). The other half should be funded by her mother. If she can't contribute, the DSD can't go. That is life! And I would be paying the money directly to the school also, just to make sure it gets to where it is supposed to.

[Elizabeth120914]

Snap! Our new baby is having the box room and she has the best room in the house which she hasn't stayed in now for over a month..

His daughters mother has never had a job her and her partner have 10 kids between us and see us like a bank! Yes we have our own house (hasn't even got central heating yet) and a new car but we both work full time! Don't go on holidays like they do. We are trying to do up a house and have a new born baby due in September.. They just think we should provide xy and z and that's it!!

OH works weekends too his only day off is Sunday and he's been getting home sat night waiting in work clothes because she's delayed collection to drive an hour and a half and then she will text at 6 saying she doesn't want to come. Doesn't even bother make an excuse! The other weekend she was desperate to go home and wouldn't see grandma until she found out she was going to take her shopping I despair!

If u find the answer please let me know!!

[Alita7]

Just want to give you hugs as this sounds horrible. Unfortunately the only way to stop it is to stop opening he wallet. She is old enough to understand a money conversation however, maybe you or dp, whoever she listens to more, should have a sensible conversation with her about this and how it makes you feel?

[Melonbreath]

We are paying half of the trip. But we don't have two spare pennies to rub together at the moment. And it's the attitude, if we don't pay half it's our fault she can't go.
We have had the money conversation I don't know how many times. She's absolutely fine and then, bam. Cancels the next weekend the night before.
Or her mother's household plan something she'd rather do as 'we aren't doing anything anyway'
it's just so sad as she's been turned into a thoughtless little madam and she really is a nice girl but this is rapidly changing. I'm hoping when the teenage hormones subside she will see her father as someone who isn't on this earth purely for money. But with her home influence I'm beginning to doubt this.
If i say no to things I'm branded the wicked stepmother in her family and dh is bullied relentlessly until he caves. Her family won't speak to me as I am not her family at all apparently. Even though I've known her now for 10 years.

[Melonbreath]

We are paying half of the trip. But we don't have two spare pennies to rub together at the moment. And it's the attitude, if we don't pay half it's our fault she can't go.
We have had the money conversation I don't know how many times. She's absolutely fine and then, bam. Cancels the next weekend the night before.
Or her mother's household plan something she'd rather do as 'we aren't doing anything anyway'
it's just so sad as she's been turned into a thoughtless little madam and she really is a nice girl but this is rapidly changing. I'm hoping when the teenage hormones subside she will see her father as someone who isn't on this earth purely for money. But with her home influence I'm beginning to doubt this.
If i say no to things I'm branded the wicked stepmother in her family and dh is bullied relentlessly until he caves. Her family won't speak to me as I am not her family at all apparently. Even though I've known her now for 10 years.

[Alita7]

Maybe start saying you'll vote on way to do when she gets to you?

[Elizabeth120914]

That's really really tough ... We have the same and we are now calling her bluff. Mother in law was here last night she's text her asking if she wants to go for a meal at her favourite restaurant and guess what she has a reply and arrangement made although madam still doesn't want to see us or her dad for Father's Day..
Where does it stop? Obviously it's her fathers decision but it doesn't sound like there's any affection there at all?

[Melonbreath]

Well for fathers day he got texts from dsd. .... asking for money. She didn't want to see him, has cancelled all weekends for the foreseeable future and wouldn't answer her phone.
I don't want dh to give her the money. Everyone is telling him not to but I think he's scared she thinks so little of him she won't think of him at all if he doesn't.

[Alita7]

The thing is you cannot do things you can't afford especially not eow, just to keep her enticed. Has your dp worked on teaching her the value of money?

I'm assuming reasonable chats aren't working :(

Big hugs! Having kids eow is tough we have dsd 3 ft and the other 2 eow and even though they don't mind what we do and aren't at all demanding, it is hard to cheaply do a weekend that's exciting for them. When I was growing up most weekends were bland but they are when you live with the same parents all the time. There's more of a need to do things all the time when you see them less!

[rinabean]

Organise fun things that don't cost so much then? If you could go to place A and do nothing or place B and have fun you'd have fun wouldn't you? Especially if you're 13? The fact that it seems to be either spending big amounts on a big day out or "nothing" that entices her says to me her dad doesn't give her enough attention. You're right, she should want to see her dad. But she doesn't. That is a problem her dad needs to fix.

Really her dad needs to make an effort. The more I read, all the things you say which should have apparently secured a loving daughter: taking her mother to court, spending money, spending money, spending money, spending money, spending money. That was supposed to secure her love but it didn't so it wasn't worth it?? She doesn't feel love so she asks for more money. It's her dad who's set the pattern. She's 13. She's a child. She cannot "bully" an adult man into anything. For 10 years he tried to buy her love and now it's too expensive so he'll stop? She is insecure because her father doesn't love her. It's unfair of her to take it out on you but again, she is a child. Her dad really needs to make an effort because soon she doesn't ever need to see him again.

[cheepsskram]

It's not as simple as that rinabean. We're in exactly the same situation and have been for about 4 years now (dsd is 17 next week).

We've tried everything but essentially dsd is materialistic and we don't have enough money to do what she wants us to. She only ever calls when she wants money and we are also currently paying towards an expensive school trip.

We've not seen her since October. Whenever dh tries to meet up with her, she is busy. Then he gets told he makes no effort and has no interest in her life. He can't do right for doing wrong.

I've been in her life since she was 3 but I now totally disengage. It's heart breaking to see my dd make imaginary phone calls to her sister but I know her sister couldn't give a shit.

My dh has done as much as he can but is sadly close to calling it a day for the moment.

[Elizabeth120914]

We are in the same boat too although child is 11. Her mother after ignoring us for 5 weeks/ ignoring calls and texts and not letting us pick her up has decided we should have her again. The last contact we had was child doesn't want to come and they were going on holiday - mutual friends say haven't been anywhere...

It will last about a week. Each week unless she is enticed with something she cancels at the last minute or we do the hour and a halves round trip and she wants to go home.

As soon as an activity is finished she immediately wants to go home or know what happens next. One weekend we went horse riding, McDonald's, baked cakes and she wanted to go ten minutes after baking the last cake....

After no contact since the birthday (presents and day out at safari park) we got told by the mother she need a uniform for senior school (£200) and school trip money oh and a prom dress - for an 11 year old? Hard not to feel like a cash machine as after these have been produced will not be coming again it's got a bit standard.

Don't know what to suggest we keep trying all sorts but it's a terrible situation to be in.

No one minds paying what's fair but its sad when there's little/ no thanks and it's expected. Kids must be different as we used to have to go to my grandparents as kids it wasn't much fun at but you made your own games and wanted to see family/ chat etc. there's a room full of clothes, books and DVDs here but taking yourself off for an hour seems to not be possible constant entertainment is required!!

I've come to the conclusion we just have to wait it out and hope that a balanced adult comes out the other end without giving into things we just can't afford.

Obviously uniform etc is fine but trips like your talking about it doesn't seem at all fair to pay everything I know we couldn't x

[LJHH]

Oh this sounds so similar! I also have a 13 yr old DSD. Plus 3 DSS's.
Each time she is supposed to be here, there will be an excuse as to why she can't come unless we have planned a day out or a meal or something else "fun" that she'll want to do.
The boys are starting to get like it too, it makes my DP v upset, wish their mum would just shove them in the car and tell them "you're going, end off" but she just doesn't care.
They didn't even wish him a happy Father's Day, not even a text or a call or anything. Even on his birthday, she text him all day repeatedly asking for new shoes but not once wished him a happy birthday. At 13, I feel she's old enough to send a poxy text.
I'm currently PG, none of them show any interest towards me or the baby, just feel like a glorified cook/cleaner when they do stay here
Good job I love DP....

[Melonbreath]

Rinabean that is total bull shit. He hasn't tried to buy her love at all. We paid a fortune for court as it was the only way he'd get to see her AT ALL. Dh's has painted him as some Jeremy kyle loser who has never been there, never tried to be there, isn't bothered etc. But then never let him see her, never get back to him, never let him wish her happy birthday, Christmas etc.
And we have planned our lives around her. We live in this part of the country away from family and better job opportunities for our careers purely so we're near her. And don't say dh doesn't love his dd. He does. If he didn't he wouldn't be so cut up about it would he?
The problem is she's been brought up being told that her father is only for money. she's been told from day 1 she doesn't like daddy from her whole family but the mean and nasty courts who don't know better will take dd from her lovely mummy unless she sees silly daddy even though she doesn't want to.
He wasn't allowed to give her support any other way than money although he has tried. But someone's spent her lifetime telling her he isn't needed. And this is harsh but she really doesn't need him i suppose. Her family love her very much, she does well at school, she loves her step father and two little brothers, she has nice friends, her step father's family have taken her as one of their own. But still, dh is her blood and wants and has tried desperately to be a part of her life and have her in ours. When she started school he rang to ask about parents nights, concerts etc her mother went absolutely wild.
Her mother is better than just screaming abuse which is all she did until a few years ago, including at our wedding in front of dsd and 100 other people.
I never went to any of her plays as the abuse I got was awful for dsd, dh, me and anyone in a 10 metre vicinity.
And no, dsd doesn't bully dh into things her other family enable and encourage her to and step in if she isnt going to get what she wants. And the backlash will be if he says no that he's a bad father, useless, no good etc.

How do you change that?

We both are of the agreement after talking last night that a line has to be drawn. In a few years she'll be driving and it will be 'dad (step father) says I can have this car and unless you pay half I can't have it', then it will be university, wedding.
I don't begrudge paying for things for her and its obly right we contribute as much as we can on top of mobthly money but I do begrudge being told to pay for things we simply can't afford. And then abused if we dicker. And i resent going without so her whole other family will benefit.
I just wish they were at least polite or reasonable but they think it's funny to be as obstructive and difficult as possible
My dd isn't going to have half the stuff that dsd has had and won't ever. And i don't want dd in the future to ask why dsd gets stuff she won't. And i don't want her treating dh the way dsd does.

[MummyA1984]

I think you sound like a very sensible and reasonable mummy! I think everything you've said is right. I agree you need to draw a line. Having a step child over for the weekend they should be treated the same as any child and do you really spend every day of your life having 100% fun? No, it's not realistic. I love doing fun things with my kids as much as possible but the reality is that some days they have to knock about the house, playing with toys, watch a film etc while me and dh get jobs done... Because that's life! And they know this and are happy that's the case. The pots have to be washed, house cleaned, clothes washed. If you plan fun things every time she's there she will expect it in fairness so perhaps not entirely her fault. Step dads are made to feel like they need to cram everything they can into the time they have their kids which I completely sympathise with, however it's not "normal" family life to be like that all the time. Definitely knock it on the head a touch. Dad is being treated as bank of dad - by the sounds of it because ds has been told that's all he is - rinse him for all u can get!? Not good. I think the fact she's a step child or doesn't live with u 24/7 is irrelevant in this situation. Lots of kids that age just want, want, want... Perhaps you can help her learn the value of money? Give her a little pocket money for helping out and encourage her to save next time she wants something? My mum did that with me and it helped me learn to go without something's if I wanted something else. I'll teach my kids the same. I see friends now still being bailed out by dad every time they get a bill and they're the ones always in a pickle with money coz they've never had to learn how to be responsible with it... x

[MummyA1984]

Also if he pays maintenance I think u should be very careful what extra money u hand over. Sounds like the ex treats you dh as a bank too so no wonder sd does. Hope you get sorted so it doesn't skint u both forever more. It's great to give all our kids extra bits where we can but no one has a bottomless pit x

[rosepetalsoup]

cheepsskram Your post was very interesting, we have almost exactly the same. And all of you posters, I have a similar experience: a DSD who only talks about items she wants, never affectionate otherwise, and has been 'too busy' to talk to DH or visit for over 6 months.

[toni74]

Interesting thread, have experienced similar. When we haven't been able to pay (in full for something), and subsequently ignored or worse, we have just left it...

I agree with others that expensive trips (etc) are not down to one parent but should be both and if one parent cant afford it then unfortunately the child cant go/have the item whatever it is...

[Alita7]

When I was a kid If I couldn't have something it was tough, I couldn't refuse to see a parent, I lived with them!
Now I know kids whose parents separate or have to move between homes have a rough time but it shouldn't be made up to them financially.

A good mother (or any resident parent) would not encourage or allow her child to use their time and affection as manipulation for things of monetary Value, especially not if the father/nrp is loving and tries to do their best by the child. To allow a child to grow up thinking that's how you treat people you love is just wrong!
Even my mum who is still with my dad (god knows why he hasn't left) spent most of mine and my brothers childhood trying to make us against our dad so she was in control or for support in arguments or god knows why.... she alienated me in that respect and although we often get on well, she knows I'm Daddies girl. My brother on the other hand is very much in my mum's pockets and basically ignores my poor dad :( I should imagine there are parents who delight themselves in making sure their kids couldn't care less about the other parent :(

[MyLatest]

I am reading this feeling really horrified. At thirteen your DSD is old enough to have a frank conversation with. I would suggest that your DH gets some time alone with her (if possible) and tells her that he loves her greatly but her behaviour is not acceptable, especially cancelling visits at the last minute. She is not a toddler; she is old enough to have basic empathy. I would certainly not be paying for trips for her when she won't even deign to see you.

I'm very sorry for this situation - 13 year olds can be very self-absorbed but they are old enough to be pushed to do better. Honestly it sounds like her real attachment is to the family she lives with, not your DH. It's very sad for him and I hope that when she is older she will realise what she has potentially thrown away by treating her DF so badly.

And if she won't come and visit - change the rooms around. Her bedroom should not be a shrine to her absence. She needs to learn that she is loved and important but she is not the sun around which everything else revolves. I hope she will grow out of this behaviour.

[MummyA1984]

^^ well said

[Melonbreath]

You're absolutely right mylatest. I'm hoping time will improve things. But the extra money has to stop. I get the feeling we are funding ex and her family as a whole, not dsd.
Dsd didn't know dh pays csa money until recently when she overheard him complaining that even after 3 phone calls they haven't updated our new address.