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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Dsd playing mum and dad against each other

45 replies

Malificentmaud · 03/05/2014 04:58

Dsds mum is volatile. DH isn't innocent. I think they are both quick to, and happy to, believe the others shortcomings so dsd is very able to throw a grenade then stand back and watch while the attention is taken from her and her behaviour and they fight. Weirdly she will then say she hates when they fight and put her in the middle

So the latest one is that mum puts money in to her school lunch account for dsd to cover "her" days and expects DH to cover the cost of lunch on "his" days. Fine.

He gives dsd 150 pocket money a month and tells her that if she won't accept the packed lunch that we offer her, she has to use her pocket money to pay for something else.

But she doesn't.. She uses the money in the lunch account that mum has given meaning it is swallowed up on dad days.

Mum is fuming with DH. Dsd has told her our lunches are horrible and we have nothing that she likes. We've asked her so many times to provide a list of acceptable lunchbox foods but she tells us she wont take a packed lunch.

Mum used to do packed lunch but now pays for dinners because dsd nagged her to.

So, what can we do to stop dsd doing this? And how can we convince her mum that DH is not being feckless or tight and most importantly stop the angry calls and texts

OP posts:

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mathanxiety · 03/05/2014 05:18

How about Dad grows up, gets over himself, stops trying to spite his exW, puts the stupid money in the school lunch account, subtracts that amount from the pocket money, stops making any more school lunches, and tells DSD to talk to the hand cos the ears aren't listening when she complains?

Your H is being a dick.

Malificentmaud · 03/05/2014 05:45

He offered to subtract the money from the pocket money for the lunches account but dsd said she'd prefer to buy something from the shop herself. However obviously hasn't been and has been using mums money which has made mum annoyed but instead of telling dsd off, would prefer to believe her claims that our food is horrible.

Fail to see why DH is an arse. Apart from contributing to this preference to believe what dsd says when she runs her mum down. Which mum does visa versa.

I know what has led dsd to know she can play them off against each other but not sure how to make her stop. He knows this one is dsd's doing and has done the "talk to the hand" thing but mum can't seem to accept that dsd has caused this and so come the angry calls and texts. DH is now very wise to what dsd is up to and how her claims about what mum does or says are largely untrue.

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runawaysimba · 03/05/2014 05:51

How old is DSD? If she can use her mum's money to buy stuff from the shop, why not pay into the school account and tell her that's how it is. Or have I misunderstood that?

Malificentmaud · 03/05/2014 05:55

She's 15. Sorry, no her mum doesn't give her physical money, she puts it in the dinners account for dsd to have school dinners on "mum" contact days.
She can spend her pocket money at the shop to buy lunch if she won't accept the packed lunch DH makes her. But what she does is use up the lunch account money on "dad" days and asks her mum for more lunch money.

I think he will need to insist on putting a portion of the pocket money in to the lunch account as she can't be trusted.

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runawaysimba · 03/05/2014 06:20

Ah, I see. I thought she could use the "mum account" money for snacks, too. I think just deducting it from the pocket money and putting it in the account is best. It's what you'd do if any child was misappropriating money (in a minor way), even without step family complications.

lunar1 · 03/05/2014 06:37

Your dh needs to take responsibility here. I don't see how you can blame her mum.

£150 pocket money is madness! He needs to reduce this and put dinner money in her account. She is 15 and he is letting himself be manipulated. How is the mum meant to stop her using up the money? Does she have to go to school and police lunchtime?

Your dh needs to grow up, stop being the fun one that gives loads of pocket money and pay for her dinners on his time.

LtEveDallas · 03/05/2014 06:47

We had 'colluding with mum against dad' for a few years. That was pretty painful...and I made it worse, inadvertently.

There was a big row about money for a particular thing. It went on for months. I finally got fed up with it and I paid the money, monthly, without DH knowing. It all calmed down and I thought I'd done the right thing. Except it turned out that for 2 years whilst I was paying this money for a specific thing - DSD wasn't doing the thing. She didn't care about the thing at all, despite all the angst from mum about how DSD was suffering without it and what a bad father DH was for not supporting her. When I found out I didn't say a word, just calmly stopped the SO. But DSD knows it spoilt our relationship.

PrimalLass · 03/05/2014 06:50

She gets £150 per month pocket money? Blimey.

RedFocus · 03/05/2014 07:23

Pay the lunch money and stop the pocket money. Why should she have pocket money if she behaves in this way. The lunch money will then be used for lunch and she will have to earn back the pocket money if she wants to buy snacks from the shops. Your dh is enabling her behaviour and being cross at the mum is pointless and feeding the behaviour.

thebluehen · 03/05/2014 07:24

I think it's impossible to appease an ex like this. If he gives in on this, there will be something else and something else.

He's entitled to give her money or lunch as he sees fit. Why should it be ex wife's choice how he pays for his daughter and when?

However, I do think dsd is playing him for a fool and sounds like a spoilt brat. £150 a month is a lot of money!

OnaPromise · 03/05/2014 07:35

Can't he just put the lunch money in the account?

pictish · 03/05/2014 07:40

£150 a month pocket money!!!
I'm sorry to say I never got much further than that!

TheMumsRush · 03/05/2014 07:59

When I was 15 my parents had split and I had a part time job washing up in a cafe. That was my pocket money and it paid for my lunch, she sounds spoilt and needs to learn you have to earn things. I'm not saying get a job, but £150 is a lot to get for behaving badly. I would say it's packed lunch or buy your own

Malificentmaud · 03/05/2014 08:17

I'm not blaming mum! I'm blaming dsd. I'm just wishing mum could see it's dsd being naughty not DH!

Thanks and I think you're all right that the simplest thing is to put some of the pocket money in the to lunch account.

Mum won't like that though as thinks he doesn't give enough. And dd will probably do a bunk again as she will feel it a punitive measure and that she's losing out. But he can't be held over a barrel.

It is a ridiculous amount but that's a whole other story

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prawnypoos · 03/05/2014 10:34

Bloody hell! £150 pocket money? Are you for real? Maybe she should be getting a weekend job to sub her expenditure instead of relying on daddy for pocket money!! That amount of money is ridiculous. At 15 she is approaching adulthood and needs to get into the real world - I am not saying this as a criticism of her but more of her parents who are happy to let her take advantage and her DM who obviously takes what she says as gospel. I understand that your DP may be trying to make up for the skewed family dynamic that DSD is part of but for fucks sake!

Malificentmaud · 03/05/2014 10:51

I agree with you prawn. The sitch is that DH was paying 200 over the CSA amount for dsd. Mum doesn't work (supported by wealthy partner who covers mortgage but who won't cover dsd related expenses) so the maintenance money didn't all reach dsd. Because of this, DH reduced the money to bring it inline with CSA in order to pay for the things dsd needed himself with the extra.
But dsd and mum flipped and dsd stopped coming. So DH said he would give the money directly to dsd as pocket money so she could buy toiletries/ make up/ trips out with friends etc. it still leaves a gap in who buys the things she needs but they muddle through with that one and I stay out of it.

It is far too much money. I agree.

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TheMumsRush · 03/05/2014 13:49

So essentially dsd is bribing her dad! charming child.sounds like pay par view. I feel sorry for your DH it must be very tough for him

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/05/2014 14:02

Mumsrush surely it's blackmail, not bribery?

Or DH is bribing DSD with the £150 spending money.

LineRunner · 03/05/2014 14:04

So he pays the CSA-calculated amount to the mum, to the penny, but gives £150 a month pocket money to his DD as well? Is that right?

The £150 a month is in no way in lieu, or partly in lieu, of the CSA-calculated child support?

OwlCapone · 03/05/2014 14:09

He needs to put the lunch money onto her card and tell her that it's because she can not be trusted and has been lying about preferring to buy lunch at the shop.

Malificentmaud · 03/05/2014 14:23

It's in addition to the CSA a calculated amount. It's not really a bribe... It's more that if he doesn't give it to one of them, dsd won't come anymore so giving it to dsd is the lesser of the two evils as at least dsd gets some benefit from it

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LineRunner · 03/05/2014 14:31

Why on earth wouldn't she come to see her father any more? What's up with her??

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Malificentmaud · 03/05/2014 15:00

It's in addition to the CSA a calculated amount. It's not really a bribe... It's more that if he doesn't give it to one of them, dsd won't come anymore so giving it to dsd is the lesser of the two evils as at least dsd gets some benefit from it

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purpleroses · 03/05/2014 15:07

£150 a month . My DS is 14 and gets £15! Many of his friends get a bit more - maybe £20 or £30 - but £150 is madness.

Why on earth doesn't your DP just solve the situation by putting money on her lunch card to cover his days, and giving less pocket money? She's very unlikely to be buying healthy lunches from the shop, so she'd eat better if she had sufficient lunch money on her card. I don't think children can to top their cards up themselves can they? At my DS's school you need an account with a credit card to do it.

LineRunner · 03/05/2014 15:14

And if his DD refuses to see him over the issue of shed-loads of pocket money, he needs to be firm with her. Sounds like she needs some love and boundaries, not more money.

I have my own teenage children. My OH has teenage children. There is no way they would be allowed to strop over money and contact.

Decide for themselves about contact, yes. But strop about cash and push everyone's buttons? Hell, no.

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