I just want some time to myself, am I selfish?

[LollyPop87]

Hi everyone,

Have posted here before and found it really helpful.

My partners son (I'll call him dss in future as its quicker, although we are not married) is 7, and lives in a different city with his mum. I enjoy spending time with him and like him very much.

I find it hard sometimes as he can have massive tantrums very easily, and I feel like I'm not allowed to get involved in discipline. My dp (who is lovely btw) has mentioned that he finds it strange when people who are not the parent discipline the child (this must be the only thing we disagree on!)

Dp also doesn't give dss a strict bedtime when he is here as it is during the holidays, so I feel like I never get any time to myself.

If I want to watch a programme in the evening I have to do it to the sound of quite loud playing in the background, so its impossible.

I am a teacher so my only time off is during the school holidays.

In the summer holidays, we normally have him every other week.

This year, his mum wants us to have him for five weeks. Five weeks.

I feel like a horrible person, but I am gutted. I look forward to the summer holidays so much. Time to myself, spend time with dp, chill out, do whatever I like. But it's been taken away, I won't be able to do any of those things. The entire holiday (bar one week which I'll spend in school because its the week before we go back) will be child centered.

I just don't know what to do to make it easier and feel quite upset. I do like my dss alot, but it makes everything so different. I just wanted some time to relax, and I feel like I will never get it :(

Its just the little things, like getting up late, chilling in my pjs, goinf for a walk at my own pace, coming back and watching whatever tv I fancy. I was so looking foward to it :(

I'm so sorry if I sound horrible, I'm not I promise! I'm just abit upset.

[TheMumsRush]

Five weeks??? That's a bit much, three weeks would be fair, what dose your dp say?

[LollyPop87]

My dp was quite shocked actually. He was happy on one hand, because it means he gets to see his ds for longer. But he was concerned that his ds might miss his mum, five weeks is a long time. But he felt like he couldn't say no, as dss's mum has threatened to cut contact before in similar situations.

The reasons for it makes no sense either. Its because she is now working full time so won't be able to look after him during the holidays...but my dp also works full time, so I'm not sure why she thinks its any different.

The every other week arrangement worked perfectly, and in my opinion is also very fair considering that everyone is in the same situation work wise.

[Icantstopeatinglol]

Five wks is a lot but I think the main issue here is your dp. If your dss is spending that much time with you and you're expected to just accept with no say then you should also be allowed to discipline him. Kids aren't daft and even at 7 he'll know that he can get away with things and he'll have picked up that you won't/can't say anything.
Also at 7 he still should have a structured bed routine. My ds is 6 and we do let him stay up at times but the majority he's in bed by 7:30/8. You and your dp still need time together as a couple.
No you don't sound horrible at all, frustrated but by no means horrible. I'm a mother and step mother and I know exactly where you're coming from.

[alita7]

Don't feel bad, 5 weeks is a lot for anyone. You didn't choose to have kids so wanting alone time is normal especially when you spend all day surrounded by kids! is dp off for that 5 weeks or will you be looking after him (if you are then you need to be able to discipline him!) there any holiday activities clubs you and dp could enrol him into maybe either for a few days a week or over the course of a week or two?

[NewNameForSpring]

I would say that somehow you definitely need to make dp see that a decent bedtime is esential for everyone - not least your dss. Tired children are awful but also it is not fair on a child to be tired when there is no need.

Re the five weeks - who will look after him if your dp works full time too?

Long term, can't a court order sort this out once and for all. Otherwise your dp will be like so many others on here and dancing to his ex wife's tune because he is afraid of no contact.

You aren't selfish. Of course you live for the holidays - anyone would.

[TheMumsRush]

So if she stops contact (aka throwing toys out of pram) who will look after her ds?

[CountryGal13]

If your OH is working full-time then who will be taking care of dss!? Surely if you're not allowed to discipline him then your not expected to care for him every day while his parents are working. I wouldn't be happy with this arrangement at all and I don't think you're selfish for wanting some time to yourself x

[VodkaJelly]

So who will be looking after DSS? If they are expecting it to be you then you need to set your ground rules in now. This is access by proxy and is massively unfair that you are not allowed to discipline your DSS but are expected to be his baby sitter for 5 weeks!

I would ask your DP who is going to look after DSS when he is at work, you can be accommodating and offer to look after him for a week.

What would the parents be doing if you were not a teacher? Who would be looking after DSS then?

It is because you are a teacher and have the holidays off that it is expected you will just look after DSS, no discussion, no asking just assumed and it would boil my piss.

I wouldnt look after anybody elses kid for 5 weeks when I am on annual leave. I have to pay for my kids to be in child care over the summer holidays so the mother can pay for HER child to be looked after, not just dump him on you.

[Fairylea]

As others have said if the mum is working full time and so is his dad then who is going to be looking after him for those 5 weeks?? I don't think it's fair to you or to the little one to assume it's going to be you. His parents need to share childcare more evenly - and I say that as a woman with a child from a previous relationship and who has now remarried and has a young toddler as well.

I think bedtimes are non negotiable. Even during holidays my dd always had a bedtime of 8 pm (now 8.30/9 ish at age 11) so we could have some adult time. It is good for children to have boundaries and routine just as much as it is to have fun.

[LollyPop87]

Thank you so much for all the replies and understanding! It helps so much to know its not just me.

Normally when we have him for a week, my dp's mum (who is retired) looks after him for some days, I look after him for one or two days, and my dp tries to book some annual leave.

My dp is very clear that I don't have to look after him and would never expect me to, so that's good.

However, my dp's mum has hinted massively recently that she would like me to look after dss more often - my dp actually had to have a chat with his mum about it as he didn't think it was ok for her to put that pressure on me, which is nice.

So I don't know how its going to work, but I know my dp won't let the responsibility fall on me.

So, there are some days were I have time to myself for part of the day. So maybe I shouldn't complain. But its not the same as knowing I can just relax, I feel like I spend the whole day knowing that its going to be really noisy and busy later on. And I get no time just me and dp, none at all.

The thing is, when its just me and dss he's like a different child. Obviously I have to discipline him then, which I'm sure my dp must realise. His behaviour when its just me and him is fantastic. I think this might be because he doesn't have that 'safe' feeling that he would with his dad. Like, with his dad, he knows he can push it but his dad will always still love him, he's his dad! But with me, I think he doesn't have that same feeling if that makes sense. Like sometimes the closer you are with someone the more you push it.

But, I think also, I am quite firm and strict. There are boundaries in place when its just me and him.

Also, some members of dp's family, and dp occasionally, treat him like he is a baby and let him get away with anything. Dp's mum says she does this because she feels sorry for him with his parents being separated. I think its doing him more damage though.

Dss will tell them to put his shoes/coat on, get him a drink etc, and they will! He is perfectly capable of doing these things himself and I never do them for him, I just playfully say, oo, you can do that yourself!

I think treating him as though he is alot younger makes him act younger and encourages him to have tantrums.

But I've gone of topic there, its just something I've noticed!

Just to say though, my dp is a wonderful dad and partner, but we do need to talk about this. I'm worried that he'll take it to mean I don't care about his son, but if he's going to be here for five weeks I think there should be house rules and boundaries set, and I should be involved in that.

I sometimes feel like I'm only involved in the 'fun' stuff, and feel guilty if I don't take part enthusiastically, but anything else, like rules and boundaries just isn't my place.

[LollyPop87]

I think the bedtimes is the most important thing. I think I might have to insist on that actually. I've mentioned it before but my dp said he didn't agree that dss was too tired. He thinks it's unfair to put him to bed early when he's not in school.

Sometimes I'll go to bed before he does, it can be well past 10pm sometimes.

It would make a big difference if I knew I had some guaranteed evening time.

[LollyPop87]

Oh, also, (sorry, I really hope this isn't drip feeding, I'm just thinking of more things from what people are saying) by dp hates the idea of dss being with a child carer over the holidays whilst people are in work. I tried to explain that they can be really good and are ofsteded etc, but he just didn't like the idea of it.

[stolemyusername]

Tough one, I can understand where you're coming from, but at the same time I can see that your DP will enjoy coming home to his DS everyday.

Is there a compromise to be made, where you have him for some of the time, he takes annual leave and some time with the GP so you still get some time for yourself. There would however, have to be an understanding that if you are going to 'parent' for 5 weeks that you are able to make decisions/discipline where necessary.

I'm assuming that the EX is aware that you will be in charge most of the time and is happy with this (as you are providing free childcare!), also that as she is saving on childcare, she won't need to receive maintenance for this period as this will be needed to provide food/outings etc for this time.

[CSIJanner]

Is she asking you to have hike over summer for five weeks as you're a teacher and she sees it as an easier way of ensuring DSS is looked after when schools off? What does DSS think? D you feel he might feel like he's being offloaded?

[TheMumsRush]

Op, I've recently had a conversation with my dh about my dsd (7) going to bed at nine, otherwise she will wait till we go to bed. I was surprised at how quickly she adapted to this. And it meant we could watch a film in the evening with a glass of wine

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

I know how you feel OP. I love my DP's little ones but five weeks....?!

Whoever is looking after him needs to be able to discipline him consistently. You need to discuss rules like bedtime with DP and if I were you I'd also get a tv in my bedroom so that I could escape for some me time in the evenings. I know you shouldn't feel like you have to hide away, but from a practical perspective it might be handy.

With regard to walks etc, it might actually be nice to have him around to point out interesting things as you go and I suppose if nothing else, it will make you appreciate all the time you have to yourself in the daytime if you know it will come to an end in the evening!

Five weeks sounds very daunting and unless the ex is actually out of the country then I think your DP should be arranging a fairer split (one week on, one week off?) but if it comes to it and it's actually only a couple of days a week when you are in sole charge of him then make sure you have some rules that you are happy with. If your DP doesn't sort it out then I'd suggest taking yourself off on a nice break for a week or two!

[SocialNeedier]

I think the ex wants to use you as childcare because she knows you're a teacher.

I'm on mat leave at the moment and DP also gets a lot of requests to pick up DSD from school or have her for extra days in the holidays (subtext: can Social pick her up/look after her in the holidays?)

Luckily my DP is like yours and makes sure I'm not used as babysitter. But I've also had to be really firm about this.

I feel for you. Five weeks is a long time. Especially when you had it earmarked as precious down time.

You do need to put your foot down about bed time. Otherwise you and DP will have no time together at all - which means he will suffer too.

[Whereisegg]

Do you think you mil has made noises about you looking after dss more because she doesn't feel able to say it's too much for her/she doesn't want to do it anymore?

I too think that the ex imagines you having him as you're off.

[alita7]

See I have dsd all the time which im happy with BUT I was aware that ss were involved and that they were looking at placing her with DP, when we decided to move in together. AND I did so with the intention of being able to help him out. You never signed up to spending all your time off with his child. I did, and I get time off without her when she sees her maternal family. If neither you or his mum are up for looking after him all the time then I think your dp should take off 1 - 2 days a week and 1 of those days take him out so you are home alone. Then have you have him 1 day, his mother another. And ask his mum to take off a couple of days and have him for at least one long weekend during this time. Then sign him up for a holiday club at least one day a week. There are some great multi sport clubs out there. Also try and get a baby sitter once a week so you can spend a night together maybe with friends or out for dinner. And try and get maybe 2 days over the 5 weeks alone for a day out just you two. If possible I would try and get the weeks swapped so you have him the week you're back to work but have the other week alone with DP.

[doziedoozie]

Is his DM having him full time when she has her annual hols?

Normally I presume he is at school so DM doesn't have him full time.

[alita7]

Also what's the maintenance situation going to be? will she pay you maintenance for 5 weeks? I would insist on it.

[Fizzybangfanny]

Could you not book a few days away for yourself? Some real R&R

[NachoAddict]

I think you need to insist on bedtimes and boundary's. If you are good enough for free childcare then you can be trusted to give discipline when appropriate.

[swissfamily]

What about an activity-based kids' club? Like a week-long sports camp / drama workshop / band camp thing where your DP could drop him off on the way to work so you at least got some mornings to yourself?

It's not like dumping DSS with a childminder - it could be activity he was enthusiastic about and therefore enjoyed. Plus he learn some new skills. And maybe make some new local friends.

My DS5 just did 4 day outward-bound type course over the Easter hols from 8:30am - 4pm with one of his little mates and loved it. He wanted to do it again the following week!

[swissfamily]

Oh and yes, bedtimes are still important for a 7 year old. My DSD is 8 and has to be in her room by 8, lights out by 8:30pm. As for discipline, I don't think it's ever OK to be left in sole charge of a child you're not 'allowed' to discipline. I would expect any parent who had my child over for a playdate to feel comfortable disciplining them when necessary. Of course you should be able to discipline your stepchild where appropriate.