Glorified babysitter again!

(85 Posts)
entersandmum Thu 06-Jun-13 10:01:32

DP rang me at work yesterday, just to inform me that DSD 9 would be staying until Monday because she is off school.

Is he taking time off? Is he boll**ks. I now have to change my plans for my days off with Dd3 to babysit her.

I wouldn't mind except that for the last few months Dsd9 has become rude and sulky towards me and appears to be turning into a mini-wife whenever Dp is around.

She is currently sat on the sofa, refusing to get dressed or have breakfast, and occasionally throwing me some majorshiteye because I have had the audacity to speak to her.

ExW has cottoned on to the fact that I don't work Thursdayor Friday and last week I was minding her again as ExW had a party

entersandmum Fri 05-Jul-13 11:21:44

LtEveDallas I'm not upset and I don't think you wre being mean. I would probably say the same thing to someone else in my situation. I guess with MN you only get to hear one side of the story.

I am going to give DP the chance to change as it would be unfair to expect this instantly.

However, my patience is wearing thin with his attitude and if I don't see any improvement, the best thing I can do for everyone is to call it a day.

LtEveDallas Fri 05-Jul-13 10:54:59

OK, entersandmum, I'm sorry if I have upset you at all, it wasn't my intention. I suppose we all do things that others wouldn't.

I hope you can sort something out, I really do. smile

entersandmum Fri 05-Jul-13 10:19:36

UC I most certainly have not shown DP this thread. That would open a whole can of worms.

Who wants to think that they have been discussed with strangers over the internet??

entersandmum Fri 05-Jul-13 10:17:58

LtEveDallas I can see your point but have to apportion some of the blame myself. DP and I have been together for 2 years and I have only just started to really voice my concerns.

I do believe that change will not happen overnight and both DP and Dsd9 will have to take baby steps towards this.

I think everyone deserves a chance but admit my patience is wearing pretty thin.

UC I have no intention of spending 2+ hrs cooped up in a car with Dsd4 as I know she would get bored and then tempers would fray. I have told DP to take Dsd9 on his own as I think the fact that he does not spend a huge amount of time alone with her is one of the factors that make her seek attention any way she can, good or bad.

UC Fri 05-Jul-13 09:50:02

Enters, I just wanted to comment on the kick that DSD9 gave you. One of my DSSs kicked and hit me once in a temper because I had asked him to wait for 10 minutes before we left somewhere, as his brothers weren't ready to go yet. As a consequence, he had to stay in his room all afternoon, his dad docked some pocket money and he had a party cancelled. It is totally unacceptable to be hit and kicked in your own home (or anywhere else for that matter). If these were grown ups, it would be assault and you would be within your rights to call the police. This cannot be allowed to happen, and your DP is a prick for criticising you for "going on about it" when it has not been resolved.

Totally agree with the others who have said that your DP either needs to step up and parent his dd himself, or he needs to allow you to do it AND BACK YOU UP. The first option is obviously the best.

Your dsd has the makings of a very difficult teenager, and your children will also be affected. They need to see that hitting and kicking result in consequences that are fair and justifiable.

I agree too with LtEveDallas about this weekend. Take your DD4 wherever she wants to go, and leave your DP to it. Tell him why too.

To be honest, if I were you, I'd be issuing some form of ultimatum now. Step up or leave. Because, honestly, it sounds as though you and your kids would be better off without him. The children in your household are not treated equally by your DP and it is a recipe for disaster.

Out of interest, have you shown your DP this thread? Maybe you should?

LtEveDallas Fri 05-Jul-13 09:33:37

Entersandmum,

I'm sorry, I really am, but tbh I don't even think that detaching is going to work here. He is too far gone.

I think you need to get out of this relationship - and fast. I don't think it can be fixed, I don't think he will change.

For this weekend, take DD4 wherever it is that she wants to go on her birthday, and tell P that he is to take his daughter on his own. If you don't then YOUR daughter will suffer.

But pleae, just get out. This relationship is dead.

entersandmum Fri 05-Jul-13 09:25:42

The last 2 weeks, far from being the harmonious household I expected, some things have come to light that have confirmed in my mind that DP is a spineless twit.

1. When I spoke to DP earlier in the week about Dd9 kicking me, I was dismissed with an, 'are you still going on about that?'.

2. For Dd4s birthday this week I had told DP months ago I was going to get her a new, faster and bigger tablet, possibly a second hand ipad 1. She has looked after her previous one fantastically but it was a very slow cheap model. This week DP tells me I can't buy her an ipad 1, even second hand as 'she is too young'.

I pointed out that Dd4 got her first tablet on her 3rd birthday and is more than competant at using it. Plus they use ipads in reception class.

Eventually after realising that the istore charges for apps that are free on android, I decided on a fantastic 10" tablet with the latest Android system and a 2 year warranty. Under £120, money well spent as this should last her a few years before becoming obsolete.

DP announces last night that he is going to buy Dsd9 an ipad2....WTF?
This is the same Dsd9 that has been through and i kid you not, over the last year. 3 ipod touches, 2 phones, 1 android tablet, 2 bikes and an electronic keyboard. All lost or broken, but easy come easy go!

I actually paid for Dsd9s tablet as DP couldn't afford it, if he is expecting me to put my hand in my pocket again for a brad spanking new ipad2 then he can fuck off forget it. I will not be buying her anything like that until she proves she can take care of the stuff she has got.

3. I asked DP if he had been using Dd4s moist toilet wipes as, surely Dd4 can't have gone through them all. DP matter of factly told me he had used them to wipe Dsd9s bottom as she couldn't do this herself???

I honestly don't think he realises how bizarre this is, not to mention creepy. How on earth do I tell him this though without him feeling like a ....?? He still treats her like she is a toddler, from spoon feeding, yes spoon feeding her and in public!!!, making her cereal and testing the temp if it has warm milk in, fixing her juice and even carrying her to bed. My eyebrows are permanently raised on access weekends and even my Ds14 has commented on how odd it is.

4. As we didn't have Dd4 for her birthday, I thought a nice trip out, somewhere of her choosing, would be nice. DP has suggested a drive through safari and says he will pay!!

I had a think about it and don't think a 4 yr old would enjoy that as much as a petting / or farm zoo where you can get up close with the animals. When I told DP this he seemed very insistant on the drive through safari. It turns out he had spoken to Dsd9 and asked her where she wanted to go as I had 'ruined' the ice skating trip previously. DP immediately said yes and now Dsd9 is expecting this trip on what is supposed to be my Dd4s birthday weekend!

Even better, DP has said that if Dd4 and I don't go on this trip. He won't be able to as 'it isn't value for money'. I think he is just terrified of being alone and having to actually parent Dsd9.

I have told him that maybe Dsd9 might really enjoy having DP to herself for a change and that the two of them doing something together would be nice.

I have also realised that DP does not actually spend that much time with just Dsd9, and expects me to play the 'bad cop' when we are together to make himself look better and to compensate for his lack of parenting. Dsd9s mother is no better. ExW has never worked yet since Dsd9 has been in primary school she attends the breakfast club and after school club meaning she is at school from 8am - 6pm!

So this weekend I will definately have to take a step back and if this means DP is forced to parent Dsd9 then so be it. All I can think about is that in a few years time we will have a hell of a time with her. This will not be Dsd9s fault but her lazy and feckless parents.

I'm not sure I can still live as a couple unless DP starts to grow some balls and stop being so bloomin lazy. At the moment I am starting to look at him with a touch of disappointment and even resentment. I think that evaluating his parenting skills with Dsd9 has made me e do the same with our relationship as a whole. The prognosis is not good at this time. sad

PrettyPaperweight Tue 25-Jun-13 20:00:00

Have you asked your DP how he'd feel if another bloke his age began to treat his DD like a BFF?
Isn't it a bit odd that a grown man chooses to spend his time being 'buddies' with a pre-pubescent girl?

He's obviously not spending time with her in order to fulfil his responsibilities as a parent - so what are his motives? Does he really see himself as an equal to a 9 yr old brat girl? Does their friendship really provide him with the same rewards as a friendship with his peers would?

I'm not for one minute suggesting there is anything sinister about their relationship - but he's obviously lost sight of his role in her life and pointing out how other people might see it may shock him into action!

LtEveDallas Tue 25-Jun-13 14:01:02

You need to have another serious talk with him then entersandmum.

You say "it was a full on kick and it bloody hurt" did you tell him that?

Either he steps up and parents his child even if she gets upset or he allows you to do it even if she gets upset

If that is not acceptable, if he won't agree to that, then really, it doesn't matter how nice he is at other times to your children - he is still a BAD parent.

You've already said that DSDs behaviour is affecting your own kids - how much longer are you going to put up with that? I'm sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but you are contradicting yourself, and I just don't understand.

entersandmum Tue 25-Jun-13 13:43:13

Startail Maybe you have not read my posts correctly. I do have a Ds14, so I know all about sulkiness, manipulation and the dreaded hormones.

Dsd9 behaves like any other 9yr old when with me but turns into an absolute nightmare when DP is around.

As a step parent it's not like having your own child you can mould...this one is pre-programmed and you are not the one with the controls.

If I upset Dsd9, DPs sense of fatherly protection kicks in and I'm the bad one, but DP is so scared of upsetting his own child that it is like throwing a live grenade into a room and watching everyone toss it to someone else.

Probably a bad example there. Well deserved of a flaming!

entersandmum Tue 25-Jun-13 13:28:05

LtEveDallas No Dsd9 was not punished. She told DP she was only joking around, but it was a full on kick and it bloody hurt.

I would not have suggested sending her home though as this re-enforces what Dsd9 says when she is not pleased.

I would have sent her to her room. Instead DP spent nearly an hour with her sobbing, just incase she told ExW that I was really peed off with her.

Should point out that ExW does also have an alternate reason. Since DP has been with me and eating healthily not going to the chinese every night the gym has paid off and ExW has been openly flirting and asking if they are getting back together. They have been apart 4yrs and DP has been with me for nearly 2.

Probably explains why Dsd9 is so negative towrds me when DP is around?

Startail Tue 25-Jun-13 13:21:24

Right stop sulking and search 9yearolds of both sexes on here lots of threads on stroppy 9yearolds (they excel at horrid) and order a copy of how to talk so kids/ teens will listen.

If DP and Ex expect you to have girl to look after you need to stop pussyfooting around and parent her.

If you don't she will only get worse.

Also nice 9 year olds are a thousand times better company than toddlers, regardless of biological parents.

entersandmum Tue 25-Jun-13 13:12:28

LtEveDallas

The problem with reconsidering the relationship is that DP does have it in him. He is fantastic with both my Dcs. I imagine having 2 stepkids at the most trying ages of toddler and teen would be a lot for anyone to take in.

He is very close with Dd3, who probably listens to him more than me, and has a positive male influence on Ds14, who does not see his own father.

This is probably why it is so frustrating for me to see how he is around Dsd9.

It's also frustrating to see how Dsd9 speaks to both her mum and her dad, (I have actually told her to ring her mum back and apologise once, when I heard her screaming at ExW and then put the phone down on her because yet when we are alone together she is absolutely fine. She does have the odd moment but this is normal for her age and is quickly dispelled by distraction or a word on my part.

TBH, I am pretty frustrated by myself, this behaviour has escalated over the last few months and although I have said some things to DP, I have not directly said how much it affects me and Dcs until recently.

I am just at that point where I'm absolutely flummoxed at what to do that will benefit everyone in the long-run

LtEveDallas Tue 25-Jun-13 12:10:05

I have decided that, for my own sanity I am going to detach, detach, detach and unless it directly affects myself or my Dc's I am going to let DP build a rod for his own back, where Dsd9 is concerned

I agree, and think you have no choice.

But.

I think that letting DP 'disney' his daughter is actually going to cause more problems in the long term.

Was she punished for kicking you? There is no WAY I would allow that, from DD or DSD. I would have SENT her home - you do not deserve to be 'assaulted' in your own home (OK, that may be an overreaction on my part, but that is the tack I would have taken with my DP/H)

TBH entersandmum, I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship. I don't think your DP values or respects you in any way. He is too scared to discipline his DD in case she goes home to her mum, but doesn't make the effort to be with her when she is about.

I honestly think this is a situation that is going to get worse, not better and I wonder if you would be better off out of it in entirety.

Sorry, I do feel for you. This is shit.

entersandmum Tue 25-Jun-13 11:50:02

Please note

I am sure that other stepmums will identify with DP's behaviour when Dsd9 is around.

When Dsd9 is not with us, DP is a completely different person. He step -parents my own Dcs fantastically and we are on the same firm but fair page.

I do lose respect for him when Dsd9 is here as he is so terrified that Dsd9 will want to go home, (she says this if not allowed her own way, and I can see that it breaks DPs heart), or worse she will report back to ExW.

Whilst most of us in seperated relationships know that Dcs will play both parents off against eachother and most things should be taken with a pinch of salt, DP and ExW use these things as ammo. I believe that Dsd9 has picked up on this and is very much exploiting it.

I have tried to explain to DP that if he does not start 'parenting' Dsd9 instead of trying to be her best mate and the coolest dad in the world, she will only get worse in her behaviour towards me, my Dcs and himself.

I am not going to give up on DP or Dsd9, I may be detaching myself, as I am sick of playing bad cop all the time, but when DP feels less 'scared' of his daughter and more able to be the parent I know he can be, I will back him up 100%. Guess it's babysteps for now.

entersandmum Tue 25-Jun-13 11:24:53

DSD9 has taken it to a whole new level

So we rolled round to the usual access weekend with Dsd9. DP informed me, just as I was taking dinner out of the oven, that Dsd9 had asked her mum for supernoodles and had eaten them in the car. 'That's ok', I say. I'm a bit miffed as my Dc's had requested paella, but knowing Dsd9 does not like anything 'forrin', (according to her mum), I had plumped for a roast chicken dinner. Dsd9 then decides half way through that she does want some, cries as there probably isn't any left and asks DP if she can eat off his plate. No problem, I figured you would want some so made extra. Dsd9 eats half and spits...yes spits...the rest on the floor. This is NOT the first time this has happened. DP ignores it. I ask Dsd9 to clean it up and am rewarded with yet another dirty look. DP finally sensing I am about to blow asks Dsd9 to clean it up, which she does whilst sulking.

I bought Dsd9 an SD card for her mobile, which she then snatched off me and ran to DP to fit. When DP asked if she had said thank you, I got a shrug of the shoulders and another dirty look. Hmmmm, I'm thinking Dsd9 must be perfecting these in her bedroom at home.

Anyway, I thought I would treat everyone to ice-skating. DP and Dd3 were just going to watch, whilst Dsd9, Ds14 and myself went on the ice. We never got there.

Ds14 was sick in the car so we had to go back, he spent the rest of the day ill in bed.

Dsd9, instead of her usual dirty look as I had, 'ruined her day', decided to kick me instead. She must have seen my adult version of a dirty look as she ran screaming to DP that I was going to get her.

Yes, I did scream 'what the f*ck is wrong with you', and yes she probably did think 'oh s*it, I've gone too far'.

Dsd9 spent the rest of the day sobbing about how she was only playing a joke on me and how I'm soooo horrible to her.

DP seemed more concerned at what she would tell ExW, than anything else.

I have decided that, for my own sanity I am going to detach, detach, detach and unless it directly affects myself or my Dc's I am going to let DP build a rod for his own back, where Dsd9 is concerned.

Dd3 has started smacking DP when Dsd9 is here because this is what Dsd9 does when she doesn't get her own way.

Thankfully I have got 2 glorious weeks of a happy home before we're back in the thick of it again.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Wed 19-Jun-13 06:02:37

At least you finally got it 'out there' and he apologised.

Not that it's the major issue here but why are you paying for everything??

9 year old DD's can be a handful anyway, but 9 year old DSD's with no boundaries...

You definitely need to sort out the whole relationship dynamic. Either you are parent number 2 3 or you aren't - he can't have his cake and eat it too... and when his DD is here he doesn't get to fuck off out as and when he pleases - dropping her and going to the gym - ha fucking ha that would stop - immediately.

Cuddling up to her while she smirks at you and he ignores you... it had better have been a bloody good apology and things would have to be A LOT better this weekend for me to not still be considering ending it.

Xalla Wed 19-Jun-13 05:45:47

I have a 7 year old DSD who can be extremely manipulative!! Actually she got in trouble at school yesterday for cheating on a spelling test! And she's very skilled at playing her parents off against one another. Why wouldn't she be? It's easy when the two adults involved are coming blows!

She has tried to play my husband and I off against each other several times but fortunately for me, we're generally on the same page and she doesn't get away with it.

OP is not being backed up by her DP and her DSD is understandably exploiting that. It's not the DSD's fault. It's the DP's.

NotaDisneyMum Tue 18-Jun-13 21:15:31

pinkbraces How is calling a child manipulative finding fault?

DCs have lots of behaviours; enthusiastic, subdued, anxious, noisy, quiet, studious, manipulative - these words all describe behaviour, they are not accusations!

You may choose to place a positive value on some behaviours and negative value on others, but that is incredibly subjective. My ex and and view my DDs behaviours very differently - her confidence he considers a negative, whereas I see it as a positive!
Similarly, the ability to take advantage of and manipulate a situation is one that many people consider an asset wink

chloesaidfred Tue 18-Jun-13 14:17:39

Pinkbraces - 9 year olds can be manipulative. It doesn't mean it is their fault. It is often learned behaviour. But dad's still need to see it.
It isn't OP's responsibility to correct it, Dad should be doing that. And she doesn't have to put up with it. I don't personally think this one will put it right. He'll just come up with weak little games to keep everyone bobbing along as happily as possible with minimal confrontation because that's what these types of father's/ husbands are like.

So often I wonder what on earth these kids are going to be like as adults.

pinkbraces Tue 18-Jun-13 14:05:15

Dsd9 can be manipulative when he is around

Yet again, another child who is at fault - not your pathetic excuse for a partner. Perhaps you could encourage your DP to parent his child properly then you might not have any issues, alternatively you can continue as you both are and blame your DSD.

chloesaidfred Tue 18-Jun-13 13:57:41

This makes me really angry. Sure, as a couple you do things for each other. And if you have kids then it's acceptable to do favours (ie. my partner is in with DD while I go to the gym after putting her to bed on a Thursday - I do things for his DD, who is older and doesn't need caring for as such, ie. making her dinner, helping her with homework etc.) but what this guy is asking fro from OP doesn't seem to be being reciprocated...

Him and his ex wife have a free babysitter. It actually makes my blood boil to be honest.

Stepmooster Tue 18-Jun-13 12:21:38

He threw your phone at the wall and has called you a f*cking bitch. He treats you like a skivvy glorified babysitter.

Please enlighten me as to why you needed to be more tactful? Unless you were throwing things and screaming obscenities at him he has no right to behave like that. Don't make excuses for him! Even if you did behave equally as bad he should not have 'joined in' but I doubt you acted like that.

OP you are not in a healthy relationship and if those things happened to me (and they have) I would be very frightened!

entersandmum Tue 18-Jun-13 10:17:59

update I've had no phone as DP actually threw it whilst we were arguing, so no mumsnet! I could have been more tactful, but decided sod it and told him all my grievance.

dp was, as expected, very defensive of his daughter but, once he called down he actually apologized. By the end of the weekend he admitted that he was blinkered when it came to Dsd9 and now I had said how I feel he does think Dsd9 can be manipulative when he is around. Dp has been a lot more hands on with Dsd9, for her last day, and it has made a huge difference.

I guess we will see how it goes this weekend....?

Bonsoir Sun 09-Jun-13 11:09:20

This is totally unreasonable. Stepmothers are not emergency on call childcare. You have to say no.

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