when you have no relationship with sk's and you move in with dp can it work?

[mattysmum09]

been with dp few years he has teenagers 17 and 18 yrs who are over indulged and pandered to.i have written about this previously how i don't like to witness his strange behaviour and so don't tend to spend too much time with them. as we're moving in together i am going to have to spend certain amount of time with them, not sure i can cope with it, does anyone else have any experience of moving in with dp with teenagers? seems so different to kids which some of you step parent and i am past wanting to try to build any kind of relationship with them.I'm worried about how dynamics will be with us all together as i've not spent time with them i suppose they haven't really seen our relationshhip together if you see what i mean, and i find a 17yr old girl wanting to sit practicaly on her father's lap strange to say the least!

[Petal02]

When I met DH, his children were aged 11 (boy) and 14 (girl) . He had them EOW. Right from the word go, I realised he was a well intentioned Disney parent. I was polite but didn?t get over involved. When we moved in together I tended to do my own thing on access weekends and generally leave them to it.

DH then had a huge row with his daughter (the eldest child), the row was about school, I wasn?t involved in it, and they?ve not been in touch since. She is now 21 and lives abroad. Theoretically this should have halved the problem, as there was only one child visiting EOW. However the separation from his daughter just made DH more clingy towards his son, and we now have a VERY pandered-to young man, who is nearly 18 but is parented like he?s 8.

I don?t mind admitting that I haven?t coped very well, and still tend to detach on access weekends. DH would rather we were all together, but having a near-adult following us around EOW is just getting quite bizarre and I?m counting the days til he goes to Uni.

So to answer your question ? I?ve tried hard to be polite but detached, as I can?t keep up the charade of pretending it?s a normal family situation, because it?s really warped dynamic. I didn?t really have a relationship with either of DH?s children when we moved in together, and that hasn?t changed much over the years, but we all get by. It?s not ideal, but I love DH very much and have to accept the situation.

[Kaluki]

I was a stepmum to a teenage girl in the past and I found it so much easier than the stepkids I have now.
I never 'parented' her. I was more of a big sister to her and never got involved with her and her dad's relationship. He would pander to her a little and I sometimes felt like the outsider when they were together but I don't remember it bothering me that much as he only saw her EOW anyway.
We became closer naturally over the years but at first she was very distant and didn't seem to want to know me, so I left her to it. Then when she was 14 she texted me to ask if I would tell her dad that she had started her periods as she was embarrassed to tell him, and before going on holiday she wanted me to go bkini shopping with her as she didnt want her Dad to and suddenly I was accepted!!
Every situation is different though and you are right - it is a bit odd for a 17 year old to sit on Daddy's Lap but i guess you will have to put up with this!!

[DuelingFanjo]

why can't she sit on his lap, I don't understand?

[Kaluki]

She can!
I Just think its a bit strange - but each to their own!!!

[mattysmum09]

Thanks for replies fanjo, ofcourse she can sit on his lap but i don't understand it thats all i don't come from a messed up family background and by that age the LAST place i would have wanted to be was on my dad's lap! i wonder if its a seperated parents thing...?
Your post is really helpful petal all be it worrying, i was thinking the other day how he has an 18 going on 8 yr old!! argh! trouble is i cannot detach that well i prefer to remove myself from situations and people that annoy me, but don't see why i should have to leave my own house. Another thing is i work long hours including a huge commute and by the end of the day can be dead on my feet, can i say no to a visit from them like i can other people who might ask when is convenient to call round?

[mattysmum09]

Thanks Kaluki your post gives me some hope, i just don't know if i have your patience! A part of me thinks if i am forced to spend a bit of time with them i will grow to like them ( a bit) and build a relationship with them asides from through my dp as it always is at the moment, but another part of me thinks i have avoided them for this time for a reason and i will regret putting myself in a situation which i cannot control. i suppose noone can really tell me how it would work out but it is interesting to hear how things have turned out for others.

[mattysmum09]

Also i completely empathise with feeling like an outsider and maybe that bothers me more than i let on. Oh i feel depressed thinking about it all i just wish i could throw in the towel and make a break for it!

[mattysmum09]

Dp insisted on buying and insuring a car for Ss's 17th and i made it clear i thought it was ridiculous as we are not flush ourselves, i think i was deemed an evil step mother at that point!!

[NotaDisneyMum]

Can you not wait to move in until they are living their own "adult" lives?

They may be 17 and 18, but their behaviour seems to suggest that they are still children, and the majority of step-parenting and blended family advice is that teens are the most difficult age to introduce a step-parent to (some advice says not to do so between the ages of 12 and 18).

As they get older, go to work/uni and establish adult relationships of their own, their own relationship with their Dad will change to become more of an adult-to-adult one - that won't involve sitting on Dads lap!

[Kaluki]

Tbh if you feel like that now maybe it's too soon to move in with him
And I don't think you will be able to say to them that it's not convenient for them to come round. Ever.
If he panders to them now then that won't change. However tired you feel that won't blow important because they will always come first.
It's sad but true and if you are wavering now ten maybe it's time to slam on the breaks coz its not going to be easy!
On the plus side they are almost grown up so won't need 'looking after' like little kids do.

[Kaluki]

Gosh I'm sorry about the typos
Cooking with one hand and iPhone in the other - multitasking

[HappyGirlNow]

Hi, I moved in with my partner gradually from a couple of years ago, fully living with him now. His son is now almost 19 and I have a passing relationship with him. He's not a bad teenager but my partner spoils him (a car too, pays hs mobile phone, car maintenance costs!) despite the fact he works full-time and despite me disagreeing with spoiling and mollycoddling young adults and thinking I should have a say on how money is spent!

As I said, I've got a passing relationship with my partner's son. We don't argue but aren't close either, I just can't be bothered. I find him entitled, a bit false and he grates on me. My daughter lives with us and my partner makes more effort with her which makes me feel a bit guilty but not guilty enough to try harder. I just get on better distancing myself. It's been difficult and I've felt resentful and trapped, at times it's been really bad. Getting better now tho but when he goes and buys him something else my blood boils all over again!

[HappyGirlNow]

Forgot to mention - my DP's son lives with us full time, hopefully you'll find it easier if your DP's kids just visit.

[witchofmiddx]

Yes I unfortunately have experience. I have never had a relationship with ss age 15 because he simply made up his mind he did not like me despite my efforts. He refused to come to our wedding last year. He Has always been totally indulged and tiptoed round by dh who is you guessed- Mr Disney. SS lives with us full time during school term and i have to endure endless silences on the school run.

As ss won't enter any discussion with regards to our relationship, i have reached the point where i feel i have two kids who DO need me, so i just cook for him, wash and ferry him to school. Not ideal by any means but you have to look a the bigger picture ie amazing dh (when he's not disneying) and my two kids who i am so close to.

Don't expect anything to change if you move in as in my experience it didn't. If you are happy with that, fine, if not.. think again!!

[brdgrl]

Honestly? I think you are going to find it very very difficult, and be very miserable if you move into that situation. Before moving in, you still have options. Once you move in, you lose many of those.

My DSCs are 14 and 17; I've been with DH for four years and living all together (kids here fulltime) for about 1.5 years. We have a much better relationship than that which you describe with your DSCs, and I believe we all genuinely want the 'blended family' to work - nonetheless, it can be very difficult. My DSD was 13-14 when DH and I were first together, and very resistant to the idea of a new woman in the home. She also was very immature for her age, and very prone to attention or approval seeking behaviours especially when she wanted to draw DH's attention away from me or DSS. DH was very indulgent with both kids, but with DSD in particular. The kids did not have any limits or responsibilities. I had real concerns about the dynamics in the family, which seemed unhealthy for both DSD and DSS. I also knew that it would not be a healthy place for a relationship between DH and I, or for future children (we now have a DD). Long story short, DH wanted to marry and live together; I was unwilling to do so given what I saw our family life being like!

We did the following things between us: we began couple's counselling; DH introduced some house rules and responsibilities to the kids in their home; we spent so much time deciding on joint values and house rules for when we did all live together; DH began consciously re-establishing the roles in his family (making himself be "father" again and the kids "kids"). These are all on-going efforts, obviously, but unless and until I'd seen changes beginning to happen, I wasn't ready to live with them all. If I had moved in without these changes already happening, I have no doubt that the relationship would be completely destroyed by now.

If I were doing it over again, in fact, I would have waited longer. I also would have spent more time discussing finances and long-term plans with DH before bringing myself and DD into a joint household.

So that's my two cents - don't move in and expect it to get better. Get a situation you are at least able to tolerate first because you deserve to be happy and at peace in your own home.

[shrimponastick]

I agree with all the above posters.

Wait a while. There is no rush -just enjoy spending time together, and your time on your own. You can pick and choose howmuch time you want to be with the SC.

I moved in with my (now) DH. He has two DS. I have one. They are all a similar age ( now between 12 -15).

On reflection I do wish I had waited a little longer. There are weekends when I end up in a total angry rage - as i feel out of control in my own home. I tend to arrange to go out for part of the weekend with friends or my Ds. The SSs are perfectly okay kids mostly... well one is difficult and DH knows that and doesn't pander to him.

You have the luxury of choice. The age of the SC indicates that within a year or two they should have grown up significantly and moved on.

[Eliza22]

You are going to struggle, I think. Its so difficult in this situation and I can understand why Petal02 feels as she does. I think I'd give it a lot more contemplation before committing. The skids can make or break a second relationship. I get along well with 2 of mine, especially eldest dsd. But, it's been horrendous with the youngest and she resented dh and I so much as sharing a joke or sitting next to each other on the sofa. Was it simply jealousy? Another female in dad's life? Don't know. But, it was awful to live with.

Can I just ask, BRDGRL? When you say "introduced house rules and responsibilities" what kinds of things?

My 18 yr old sd used to come EOW and one midweek night. In 6 yrs, I never knew her to wash a pot, help to do anything, tidy up after herself. She barely spoke to me and I was utterly worn down by her resentment. After over two yrs I told her to sort out her own room, or I would. We have never seen her since. It was the first time I'd asked her to do so in an "I mean it, young lady" sort of way.

As I say, we have not seen her since.

[brdgrl]

Can I just ask, BRDGRL? When you say "introduced house rules and responsibilities" what kinds of things?

Well, he/we did this in two 'phases' - one that was led by DH, in their own home, before we ever lived as a family. Then there was a second 'phase' that happened of course when we all moved into a new home together, and that was more of a joint effort, and that was when I had more of a say in what went on, as it was now 'our' home.

But well before we moved in together, DH started to change things. The kids were given chores for the first time - helping with meals, hoovering, walking the dog. He stopped waiting on them hand and foot - if they were watching tv and shouting at him to fetch them drinks, he started telling them to get it themselves. He cut well back on the amount of 'taxi service' he would provide, and instead the kids learned how to use the bus system. He introduced sit down dinners at a regular time, at a table. (Previously, they did not sit down to dinner at the table, but watched TV with plates on their knees, while DH cooked, cleaned, waited on them, and gave them anything they asked for.)

He also began the long process (with advice from a counsellor) of 'de-spousifying' DSD. That meant both encouraging her to do more with her friends, and having a social life apart from DH, and also taking away some of the adult roles she'd been allowed to play. DSD did not have adult responsibilities - on the contrary, she was waited upon and the expectations regarding her manners and behaviour were appropriate for a much smaller child - but she did 'play' at adult roles. She would not do any cleaning or cooking, but would rearrange furniture, make decorating decisions, and decided what they'd eat and when. She did not 'look after' her brother in any practical sense, but did boss him about and spoke about him as a mother might ("we don't allow Brother to do x", that kind of thing). She told both DH and DSS what to do and got very upset when she was not in control of even small things. She also accompanied DH almost everywhere, including 'adult' occasions and events, at which she would behave as his date (which was painful as - quite naturally - she did not have the social skills and sense of an adult). DSS was frequently excluded or infantalised, as she was part of a unit with DH and DSS was on the outside of that. DH had to turn this all around, and that was (and has been) tough. The amazing part is that is has largely worked.


Since we all have moved in together, there are new rules - mainly about cleanliness and things that affect the baby's safety or well-being (I ask them to keep doors closed, for example). I have been tried to be careful to distinguish between things that directly impact on me and DD, as opposed to things that I might do differently with DD but which are already choices or habits for the DSCs and not really 'my problem'. So for instance, DH did not, and now we continue not to, ask the kids to keep their bedrooms tidy - I do say that they have to keep it down to where they could escape in a fire and that they are not to leave dirty dishes or sweet/crisp wrappers that will attract bugs - but that's a pretty low standard. On the other hand, common areas of the house are to be kept tidy and they have to clear away their things from those rooms every evening - and we are rigourous about that.

I added a couple new rules about things I felt particularly strongly about - no 'hate speech' around the baby (the DSCs are nice kids, but would quote things from southpark or family guy etc), no food in our lovely front room (they have a tv room where they can sit with crisps etc!), no mobile phones at the table...but mainly the house rules are about chores and picking up after themselves.

Sorry for the long reply!

[mattysmum09]

Thankyou for all replies and advice, it has confirmed what i was thinking myself really which is not great news, but it is very true that this would not change if we moved in together. I know the general concencus on here is his kids come first, but i don't see why they always should and i refuse to move in until i am considered atleast equally important to be honest. The situation is not helped by the fact i value my own private space and time, especially on weekends as i do a very demanding job during the week.

[mattysmum09]

post keeps dissappearing so writing in sections sorry if this is annoying! I'm not rushing into the decision lightly but am 6months pregnant and we're supposed to be moving in together so he can help with new baby but all these doubts keep creeping in. I do realise i should have seen this coming but dp always seemed to play things down and when you don't live together the issues are easily avoided. It's the blending i will struggle with. sometimes i think i can cope with it for short periods of time others i think it will drive me crazy. The problem is if we don't move in together it will probably be the end of the relationship as i will resent him for not being around to help.

[Eliza22]

Thanks BRDGRL.... It makes me realised that we asked nothing of sd. But when we did, she left. For good, it seems.

Ridiculous and spoilt IMO.

Op, I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were pregnant (I must have missed that). This makes the situation so so difficult and I feel for you, I really do.

[brdgrl]

mattysmum, I had DD before we lived together and we didn't move in together until she was 6 months old. In some ways of course it has been easier having DH around to help! But if I am honest, I also sometimes really miss the days when I could just do what was best for me and DD, rather than having to also think about the needs of DH and two DSCs. When I could plan meals and mealtimes as it suited us, rather than working around other schedules and other tastes...when I could put her down for a nap or to bed in a quiet house...when I didn't have to worry about her safety because I knew there was nothing lying about for her to hurt herself on...when if i was exhausted from looking after a sick baby, i didn't have to still clean up after two teenagers...and when my finances, shit as they were, were my own and i didn't care if the heating was left on all night year-round or if there was going to be any money to pay for university in two years' time, or if iwas going to have to get another job and miss out on the time with my own DD so that we could continue to keep two teenagers in the lifestyle to which they were accustomed. I have less free time, less privacy, less time with friends, less control over how I spend my time or my money or my energy than i did during my pregnancy or the six months I lived alone with DD. (And my DH is a very involved, generous partner - it could be a lot worse!)

I'm not saying this to minimize the work of caring for a newborn alone (and I know exactly what you're talking about; i had no family to help and it really was just me to look after DD when my then-DP was at home in his house with the kids!). But do think about this - once you move in, no matter what, you are going from being a single woman to being the adult woman in a household of five. You will I think find that it is a lot of work - and that is before any of the step issues even enter into it! So whatever you do, really think about and make definite and concrete plans with your DP before you cross that threshold - how is the housework going to be delegated? What are the financial arrangements? Who is paying for what? Who is going to provide childcare? What are the longterm plans for your lives? What will you do at holidays? Don't think it will all just work out, really plan and try to figure out as much as you can, beforehand.

Good luck, and keep us posted please.

[brdgrl]

you're welcome, eliza. i feel very much the wicked stepmum sometimes - but i don't ask anything (in fact, a lot less) from the DSCs than I would from my own DCs.

[Kaluki]

I agree with brdgrl.
Having a baby alone isn't the end of the world. I was alone with ds1 who was 4 and ds2 from birth and I too look back on that time as one of the happiest. I was a free agent (albeit a tired one) but I controlled my own life, finances and time and it was only when I got involved with a man that my problems began!!!
Being pg doesn't mean you have to rush into living with your DP

[topknob]

dear god, some of the replies on here are disgusting !!! These are their children !!! They come first.