Feeling sad for DP.. he's really being pushed out

[thewickedestsm]

I know I can't do anything about it but I am feeling really sad for DP at the moment. It is becoming more and more obvious that his DD and his ex are writing him out of their lives. DSD always had a happy but stand-off relationship with her Mum's then boyfriend. He was always really reluctant to have them all move in together despite the fact that he had a large house and Mum struggled as a virtually unemployed single parent. Then back at the end of last year, she fell pregnant (completely unplanned tra, la, la, la laa...), got engaged, and to cut a long story short, they all moved in together at the start of this year.

In between times we have the whole saga of the maintenance/ contact/ parental alienation etc. that most of you are aware of. Which has allowed the whole ?Let?s pretend dad doesn?t exist? to play out very successfully.

Since they became a "proper family" it has become increasingly obvious that DP's ex would rather he didn?t exist. She is a very narcissistic personality disorder proud woman and I just know that it kills her that A, her marriage failed, and B, that she has two children by two different fathers (actually three by three fathers but that is a whole other story).

It sounds ridiculous but it?s mainly things I?ve seen on Facebook. For example a few weeks ago it was DSD?s birthday and although it was a weekend she should have been with us she had to have her party at Mums. Kind of fair enough given recent circumstances, kind of. But DP wasn?t involved AT ALL. There was a cake which was personalised ?to our little princess? or some such vomit from her ?Mummy and SD XXX?, and lots of photos where DSD has written ?Family? or ?My Family? as the title and it is her, Mum and SD. There are a few photos with her and SD where Mum?s friends have commented ?Wow she really looks like his daughter? ?They look so alike it?s scary!? etc.

DP has noticed the language has changed too. Mum now uses ?We? instead of ?I? and everything to do with DSD has to be run past stepdad.

I know I?m probably being over emotional but it is just so sad to see. DP is such a wonderful person who wouldn?t hurt a fly. His way is quiet and calm and he is no-where near as ?exciting? as her Mum and StepDad. Not that her StepDad is particularly exciting (quite a bore really) but he plays up to her and her Mum?s glamorous demands and seems to be thoroughly enjoying this new role that he has been given. It is just so infuriating that he was a standoff knobber all through DSD?s 8 years old-13 years old and no one seemed to challenge him on it, now he?s come forward as some kind of wannabe dad swooping to the rescue when DP has let them both down so badly? and they seem to be quite happy with that. I fear it will only get worse once the baby arrives.

Oh, I don?t know, I?m probably being daft. But I just want to protect him.

[Kaluki]

Isn't it horrible!
We have a similar situation. DPs ex is still with the guy she had an affair with and DSC call him dad.
She usese every chance she can to erase DP from their lives. DSS was on FB and had this guy listed as his father - of course this was done by her and lots of "my family" photos with DSS, DSD and this guy. I swear it was just set up to hurt DP. He has had to block his son on FB now as she was using it as a tool to have digs at us.
Some people are just wicked!

[thewickedestsm]

It's like playground bullying but a thousand times worse.

I can only imagine if one of my friends commented that DSD and I looked alike in a photograph... her mother would go over the edge!!!

I'm just waiting for the subject of surnames to come up when they get married...

if they ever get married. She had to wrestle the engagement ring on to her finger when she fell pregnant and I wouldn't be surprised if it never happened.

I sound so bitter. But after years of this silly woman bringing everyone else down because she never had the emotional maturity to realise that she has issues that needed dealt with - I'm just sick of it.

[Kaluki]

She even made them send Christmas cards to DP using his Christian name.
He was devastated!
It's no wonder these kids end up screwed up is it?

[thewickedestsm]

Eww we had that "To WSM and DADSFIRSTNAME" "from, DSD, MUM AND SD"

At least SD was that though and not DADDY! How heartbreaking.

There again Christmas cards are weird.. but I wont go in to that as it will spoil the annual stepparent's board christmas card thread

[NotaDisneyMum]

It must be horrible - I know how awful it has been to watch DP being excluded from DSD life, but at least her mum can't get a man is staying single for the sake of the children and so he doesn't have to accept another man in his DC's lives as well.

Ironically, exW is the only one in our "extended-blended" family who hasn't moved on with a new partner - and yet she is the one who has tried to turn her DC's against their Dad.

Oh, and I'll let you into a secret - There is an un-friend button on FB

[Smum99]

WSM, Our situations are very similar so I can relate. When the ex had a baby she would phone dss, when he was with Dh, to tell him how much the baby missed dss..it was gross manipulation and cruel. Dss would feel very low after the calls as he was being torn between his dad and new sibling.

Years ago dad's who didn't live with their children generally lost contact after a period of time as it was just too hard to continue because of situations like yours and ours. Now society recognises that dc's should know both parents however there is no vehicle for NRPs to continue a relationship if the PWC blocks that contact in the ways that you and I know about.

My only hope is that your DSD will one day realise that her dad is important to her. It may happen but what a shame as there will be so many lost years.

Do you think it would help if your DP wrote to DSD and explained what he felt was happening? My DH is planning on a frank conversation with DSS, we just can't live in limbo we are in now.

[thewickedestsm]

He has written to her, and so has my 5 year old dd actually but no joy. Laugh of all laughs, ex text dh last night saying could he fetch dsd straight from school on a Friday (at the moment she goes to her mums and he fetches her from there at 6pm) because it's the only night of the week that she doesn't have to deal with "mess, teenage moods, spending money, being bossed about"
He responded that as he works (clearly a foreign concept) he can't fetch her at 3pm but that I am home on Friday and she has a key and is ALWAYS welcome here from 3pm or any other time as time with her is a bonus. He suggested colleges coming on a Thursday and staying through until Saturday every other week if they are struggling... Let's wait and see what her response is to that...
I can't Bellevue thus women wants it both ways. Happy to present Dad as a useless unecessary twat, but it's fine to use him when she needs a break. FFS it's about their RELATIONSHIP and what's best for the child, not something that's arranged based on MUMS needs (financial and time)

[thewickedestsm]

iPhone created some weirdness there.., not sure what "colleges" was meant to say "her" I think!!

[ChildofIsis]

I can't believe these women and how they manipulate their kids, they need to get over it and do what's best for the kids.

My DD is currently with her dad for the weekend, they will spend most of their time with his partner and their toddler.

Bearing in mind he left 8 months ago to be with his mistress who he'd had for 3 years, I knew nothing about it until he left.
I don't really want DD to see ow but that's my problem to deal with.

What's best for DD is that she be allowed to see her dad as often as possible and be able to have a relationship with her half-sisiter and dad's partner.

Why can't parents put their kids first?
You all sound so lovely and caring, I hope stbx's partner thinks of my DD's welfare in the same way.

[Stepmum395]

Facebook can be great but it is easy to use as a tool to bully and manipulate. We got to the point where the negatives of DP and his ex being 'friends' (her snide comments, bombardment of inappropriate tags/posts, malicious lies, out and out slagging off etc, etc) just outweighed the positives (photos and updates on dss' life). First DP just ignored, then eventually had to unfriend but she started befriending his friends and commenting all over their pages and mass tagging on his mum's so in the end he had to block her. She's very cross about it.

She's also miffed that I never accepted her friend request

[Stepmum395]

Ha! Messed the strikethrough up - spot the newbie!!

[thewickedestsm]

Teehee, I quiet like the

[thewickedestsm]

In an interesting turn of events...

DSD was at ours on Friday night and Saturday morning. DH was taking her to town to spend the afternoon with a friend. Friend cancelled, DSD text Mum to tell her and Mum invited her to a baby faye with her and her partner... DD agreed and told DH, DH told her he was disappointed as with the friend cancelling, it was an opportunity for him and her (and me, although that is irrelevant) to spend time.
She did her usual freak out, calling Mum, screamingthat it's her life and she'll do what she wants etc etc. In the end he said fine, he would take her. (I know,I know, he should have stood firm. But in all honesty it was beyond saving and as it is quite clear these days that Mum and DSD decide how she spends her time there seemed little point in runing the day for everyone).
Aaaaaanyway, shortly after this was decided, Mum calls DH and literally screams at him for about 10 minutes (no exageration, he put the phone on the side while she went on) about how dare he agree to her spending the afternoon with her when she already does everything how dare he not refuse and realise that she needs time to herself.
After her rant he calmly said that as she had invited their DD, and he isn't a mind reader, he had no idea that he was doing anything wrong. And also that he wishes he still had the authority to say "no" in these cases but that it has been made clear to him that he does not.
So she says "well, you need to tell her right now that you won't allow her to see me today - I'm not having her cross with me!" and he says "no, I'm not lying to her to protect you.
He goes upstairs to find DSD and says "Your Mum wants the day to herself and should never have invited you out because she wants to be alone. Whats more wickedestsm and I want to spend the day with you so you will need to stay here today" She gets up... hugs him... and says "okay Daddy"

WTF??

And was then lovely all afternoon...

Could be trouble in paradise me thinks....

[thewickedestsm]

Baby Fair (don't know what the correct "fair" is... you know, where there are loads of stalls selling plastic tat that a new mum simply must have...)

[nkf]

Totally stunned at the idea of deleting one's child from FB. The thought of needing FB to know about your child and then deleting or being deleted. I know I'm old - but please tell me this isn't how parents communicate with their kids these days?

[thewickedestsm]

Also during the rant from ex, she went on about how hard it is having a teenager around all the time and how she can't possibly do more than she already does, is exhausted etc etc.

A small (very small) part of me actually feels sad for her. I think she needs as much money from DH as possible because now she has moved in with her partner she has lost all of her benefits for their DD, but her new partner doesn't fully support her (no joint bank account, not even pocket money) she is expecting a baby so even if she wanted to work, she wont be able tofor ages. So the only way she can support herself, and DD is with DH's money. She doesn't want her DD there all the time (or much of the time I don't think. All through her life she as done as little as possible - complianing how worn out she makes her and how stressed she is with being a mum all the time not answering the phone when DSD calls her, staying out as late as posisble and lying about when she gets home in order to delay drop off time as long as possible, making weird excuses to avoid parents evenings) but she needs her in order to receive money.

I know that's not our problem, and she is a hateful individual, but it is sad really. What a life.

[thewickedestsm]

You've taken that all out of context. DH is being/has been alienated from his DD. Tragically, Facebook is one of the tiny threads of attachment with her he still has, despite his best efforts, so I would prefer it not to be ridiculed.

[purpleroses]

How very odd Do you think maybe her mum didn't really "invite" her to the babyfair at all - but DSD portrayed it that way because she was feeling pressured to Spend Time together in a way that she found stressful? If I was trying to coax a child to spend time with me I do think I'd think of something better than a baby fair. Or maybe the invite to the babyfair was supposed to sound so unappealing that DSD wasn't supposed to take her up on it? Sounds like your DH handeled it well though.

[thewickedestsm]

DSD is feeling clingy to her Mum at the moment and wants to be involved in everything to do with the imminent new arrival. So to her it was very appealing and she really wanted to go.
Her Mum did ask her, because she can't bear to not be the ultimate good cop. She hoped DH would put his foot down and say no, so that she could be the lovely parent who wants to include DD and he could be the nasty parent who is trying to keep them apart.
But it didn't work so ultimatly, she lost it. She always does that when one of her little manipulation ploys hasn't worked out. Classic narc.

In essense, yes, DSD would have prefered to do that rather than spend enforced "time" with her dad and I. But in my opinion (based on teh fact that for three years she used to love to do things with us) it is partly to do with all the tension and the alienation, and partly to do with her insecurity about Mum's new baby.

In the evening just as we were about to drop DSd off at her Mum's, her mum text DH saying "IS DD cross with me? Did you tell her I ddn't want her with me today??!!"

It's sooooo pathetic for one. And incredibly selfish for two. i.e. she encourages DD to hate her Dadand think he's a feckless twat but we're all supossed to rally around to make sure that DD never thinks ill of her.

[thewickedestsm]

What I don't understand is the hug and pleasant reaction... Maybe relief that someone has actually told her the truth rather than a weird twisted reality that paints her mother in a virtuous light at all times.

[purpleroses]

Maybe she knew her mum was playing games, and felt relief that it was all decided for her (her parents had actually just agreed on who she was to spend the afternoon with, hadn't they?)

Or had she heard her mum screaming down the phone saying she didn't want her with her? That could be pretty upsetting. Maybe she needed a hug after that :(

[thewickedestsm]

She didnt hear, DH made sure of that. But she probably knew what had happened. She knows her mum very very well, although she is in denial most of the time.

I think you're right there Purple. The relief of actually being treated like a child must have been nice for her.

Or maybe she was grateful for DH saying that we wanted to spend time with her when her Mum didn't.

Who knows... but I hope it is a sign that a shift is on the way as her mother gets more and more stressed ahving her there, she may migrate back over here. Maybe if it means that much Mum will up her game on getting more money out of her partner.

He really needs to up his game, I'm as annoyed with him as I am with her. Who gets engaged to, and gets pregnant, a non-working single mother - has her move in with him, and not share finances...? Just how did he think she was going to support herself and her half of her responsibility for her DD?

[brdgrl]

What I don't understand is the hug and pleasant reaction... Maybe relief that someone has actually told her the truth rather than a weird twisted reality that paints her mother in a virtuous light at all times.

Sounds likely, actually. Or she had time to think about how she'd acted and felt a bit crap about it? (first time for everything, and all that?)

[thewickedestsm]

Let's hope brdgirl, let's hope

[Kaluki]

Wickedest - His ex sounds mental!!! Hopefully DSD is starting to see this for herself!
NKF - We blocked DSS on FB as his Mum set the account up to spy on us and to wind DP up about his new 'family'
I don't think DSS even knows what Facebook is - it was all set up by his Mum as yet another way to have a pop at DP.