Feeling a bit defeated

[glasscompletelybroken]

Had issues from the start - 5+ years ago - with DH's ex controlling things here. She started with all kinds of rules about what I could & couldn't do with dsd's and for various reasons we have gone along with it. In the last year or so things seemed to improve for a while but then took a step back with her saying again that I couldn't look after them on my own etc.

Lots of other things have happened in the last 4 or 5 months which sent us off to a solicitor and at the end of several hundred pounds spent she had a letter from DH solicitor which included a paragraph about parental responsibility and how when the girls are here she has no right to dictate what happens.

Now this morning she has called to say dsd2 will be off school tomorrow as has been sick today and exW has to work. She said that dsd2 has asked that either Daddy or nanny look after her and not Glass.

She has just found a clever way to get round the issue by saying it is dsd who wants this, rather than her demanding it. Maybe it is but I think dsd2 is just being manipulated - as we all are.

I know it's a small thing but I feel really down about it. It seems that whatever we do she always has the last word and gets what she wants. Am I really not good enough to look after this child? I'm good enough to clean and cook for her and financially contribute to her life but nothing else.

Just wanted to say all that really - I know there's no real answer when you're dealing with someone so manipulative.

[Petal02]

I hope you ignored the comments about only nanny or daddy looking after the child? The ex sounds like a very bitter individual.

[glasscompletelybroken]

She is very bitter - no reason as she kicked DH out.
It's a bit silly really as it is quite difficult for me to have her as she is very demanding and I work from home and am very busy, so it suits me if she goes to nannys but if she wasn't available then me not having her would mean DH having a day off and as he's self-employed it means he wouldn't get paid. As I'm at home I would just say "well you have to stay with glass and just watch TV or something" (she is supposed to be ill after all).

I think she is going to nannys but I imagine that if nanny wasn't available DH would give in as it has come over as a request from his very difficult dsd2 and he won't want to upset her.

As long as everyone else is happy....

[talie101]

My xh and wife give me grief when I say that I don't want the children left with her but I dont think she should look after the dc's on her own, purely for the fact (in my opinion) that it is xh's responsibility to look after and entertain them and not anyone else. He spends little time with them as it is and why should he pass the responsibility onto his wife? The dc's desperately want to spend time with him and get quite upset when he goes off and just leaves them. They would rather be at home or playing with friends etc if he's not there. It's not that they don't like her, nor do I have anything bad to say about her, I just get angry that men seem to shirk their responsibilities and get away with it!!

Isn't contact about dc's spending time with the nrp? Or does contact cover anyone the nrp wants to leave them with?

Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone, I just get angry because my xh spends little time with the dc's as it is!!

[samwellsbutt]

i would agree with you tails except that when the nrp has moved on and got a new partner etc then its in everyones best interests that a good relationship is built up with the children and the new partner.
its also totally not feasible to expect that the nrp will be in the household ever second the children are there and people are quite right when they say that the rp has no say over who the nrp parent leaves the children with when they have them. just as they dont have to veto every babysitter etc.

[stopcomplainingthen]

"purely for the fact (in my opinion) that it is xh's responsibility to look after and entertain them and not anyone else. He spends little time with them as it is and why should he pass the responsibility onto his wife?"

That is absolute nonsense. It is at best impractical to expect that any parent can spend every non-sleeping hour with any DC. Life is simply not like that. Do you really, really, want a situation whereby your child sees dad as the fun parent who entertains and spends 24/7, whereas when the child is with you, in reality you spend a good proportion of your time doing other stuff? Not to mention what a ridiculous sense of some life that child will develop over time.

Your DCs would grow up to see that mum does all the practical stuff and dads are just for fun. Is this a good role model of parenting?

"Isn't contact about dc's spending time with the nrp? Or does contact cover anyone the nrp wants to leave them with?"

On that basis, do you never leave your DCs in anyone else's care, ever? Even at weekends?

[glasscompletelybroken]

talie - I think in some cases that is a valid point but dsd's are with us half the time under the arrangement DH has with his ex and also a lot of extra time when she should have them but is working/her car is in the garage/she is ill etc etc. DH probably spends more hours actually with his children than a lot of men in "together" families do.

Under normal circumstances DH organises his work around taking and picking up the girls from school, and therefore working shorter days, on the days they are with us. If one of them is sick then it just makes sense that they just spend the day quietly here with me - as I am here anyway - rather than DH having unpaid time off work. His exW is constantly moaning about her maintenance payments yet seems to think it's fine to prevent him from earning any money!

[Purpleroses]

If the ex can't look after her own DC when ill, I can't see she can start making demands about who else does! If one of mine is ill, and I have to work, I'd be delighted if my ex's DW offered to have them. I wish his DW was like you and would be willing to do so (she's been at home alone today on maternity leave whilst I've been struggling to find childcare for two kids whose schools are closed)

If she doesn't want you to look after them, she can stay at home herself surely?

[NanaNina]

Apologies first and I don't want to offend anyone. I am SM but bio kids and step kids have all flown the nest some years ago - and in relation to the SKs thank go d- I had many miserable years and all sorts of arguments between me and DP. He was also SF to my eldest son, so I saw it from both sides.

I just think that it is very hard for any mother to feel ok about the OW looking after their child/ren. I know there are exceptions to this but in the main I think that someone other woman caring for our kids, brings things out in us that is some kind of animal instinct.........I know I hated my son being cared for by ex's P even though I had no concrete reason - I just didn't like it and my DP's ex certainly used to get shirty with me sometimes about her kids.

In fact the story goes on - 40 years on - my SD is the same age as my eldest son 44 years and recently SD's mother phoned me to complain about the fact that I "wasn't very nice" to her daughter when we met at a funeral!! NO I damn well wasn't "very nice" to her; she has always been a pain as far as I am concerned and has caused endless trouble over the years, and we have bailed her out with money again and again - sorry - could go on all night, so had better stop. Just trying to demonstrate the point I am making.

Step parenting is a big pain I think for many many families and causes an enormous amount of tension, rivalry, arguments, each parent "fighting" for their own child (which is only natural) but does nothing to help with the "blending" as it is now called.

If I had advice for any young woman who gets involved with a bloke with kids, or the other way round, I would say "run for the hills."

End of ramble...............

[glasscompletelybroken]

nanaNina I do understand that it's difficult for dsd's mum to acceot me looking after her children but surely, as an adult, she has to rise above it and do whats best for the children?

As it happens, nanny has a christmas lunch with a friend planned for today which she doesn't want to cancel so said she would take dsd2 along with her if she was well enough - otherwise she wouldn't be able to have her. DH exW has sent her there - apparently ill - rather than have her come here with me. That's got nothing to do with what's best for dsd, or whats best for nanny but it's all about the exW.

I agree with purpleroses that if she didn't want dsd2 to come here she should have stayed home herself.

[samwellsbutt]

i had a similar situation on the day od my dp graduation. his parents had paid to come to the graduation and his son had a consultants app in london. i was suppose to go to the graduation but offered to have his two dd as otherwise one of his parents was going to miss out. dp was very grateful, but he made the mistake of tell ex, who went ballistic.
and demanded that one of his parents miss his graduation or he find alternative care. happily he put his foot down and said he already had found alternative care. so she refused to give the children to him that day which meant they missed out on the celebrations and she had to lug them all the way to london as she could not find someone else to look after them.
petty and silly.

[Hullygully]

Whatever happened to putting the children's interests firsts?

That's the bit I never understand, no matter how much you hate an ex or the ex's partner, once you are a grown-up with children, it has to be about their happiness, not your hatred and bitterness.

[samwellsbutt]

you would think hully.

[Hullygully]

My dsis has a stepdaughter. The stepdaughter's partner is hated by his ex, the mother, so much, even 20 years later, that she is as unpleasant, spiteful and difficult as she can manage.

Guess who suffers? If you could see the white face and nervous lip biting of the step child your heart would break.

[ladydeedy]

Unfortunately I think this happens rather a lot. My DH's ex used to do pretty much anything to try and exclude me from anything and used to email all sorts of demands (I was not allowed to drive down her road being one hilarious claim!!). If I went to collect the DSS from her house on "our" weekend (if DH working abroad for example but she still expected them to be collected on the dot of 6pm) she would make them stand and wait at the end of the road in the rain and cold rather than "permit" me to park outside her house for a few minutes. Completely bonkers. I soon put a stop to that but it just goes to show what a mentalist attitude.
If we went out and got a babysitter for the evening would she object then? or if left with Grandma or auntie? The issue is not about kids being looked after by someone else, it's about kids being looked after by the SM.

[glasscompletelybroken]

It is about not wanting me to look after dsd's but mostly it's about control. She just wants to have a say in everything and it seems that she will always have the last word. I know it's petty and childish but sometimes I just feel like saying I won't do anything for them - its so hard to be told I'm good enough to cook and clean, but nothing else.

It has made me resentful and I am unhappy about my relationship with my dsd's as it's nothing like as close as I originally dreamed it might be. It's not as if I was expecting miracles but there's just this huge distance between us - put there by their mother.

[stuffthenonsense]

from my own experience as a SM i would suggest that part of the ex trying to make things difficult for you is also about turning DSCs against their daddy...i dont understand how mothers can be like this....

as well as being SM, my DH is also a SD to my older three children, we have one together, are expecting another, and much as i cant bear my ex (who contributes stuff all to their lives), when he has had girlfriends i have no ill feelings toward them AT ALL and would be very cross indeed if i found out my chidren were showing disrespect.
oh, and also, i was brought up by a SM who would beat my head against a wall if i cried for missing mummy, throw shoes at me for twitching a leg etc...., i got a SD as a teenager and then got another SM when i was an adult. so i think i have seen stepfamilies from every conceivable angle now.

i really cannot understand why people find it so hard to just accept other people.

[bluebell8782]

I feel for you Glass...
We're going through a bit of a thing at the moment where my SD (8) is 'just so busy with family plans' over Christmas that we can't have her until New Year's weekend - how convenient for mummy going out on the lash and not paying for a babysitter We get none of the exciting build-up or the excitement of the three days to share with DSD

You are right it's all about control - it's all done on the pretence of the SD's welfare and happiness but you know there's the underlying current of 'I want to control the situation and get what I want'.

The thing is she's not just denying my DH access that's the problem - she's actually denying SD's right to have a good and constant relationship with her dad - she's hurting her own daughter to make herself feel better.

Try not to let what the ex says affect you - it's just manipulation. Your SD doesn't want to upset mummy so she'll say what mummy wants to hear. I get really down about it too as the DH's ex always get her own way. You just have to hold onto the fact that the children will grow up and it won't always be like this. It seems a long way off but you and hubby need to stick together and do what you can to be a stable and good influence of the kids when you have them. They'll remember that I promise!

[glasscompletelybroken]

Thanks bluebell, my DH says that about being a good influence on the kids too. he says that just by being ourselves and doing the right thing they will get a positive message which will help them grow into nice people.

I really hope that's true and occassionally I get a glimpse that they might have taken something positive from me - once dsd2 asked me if I ever get tired (their mum is permanently tired and also constantly asks the girls if they are tired! and I guess I don't say that.) The trouble is their mum has told them that they don't have to listne to me and that I'm just there to cook and clean for them.

I think maybe they will grow up and look back at what I've done for them and that I've made their dad happy (mostly) and will think well of me for that.

Ah - there's me day-dreaming again...

[samwellsbutt]

i hope for the same thing, that we can temper a bit of the crazy. we dont treat them like fragile flowers with every possible ailment under the sun. i tell dsd1 she is not fat, she is 6. we let them have unscheduled play and hope that some of it will help to be a balance its all you can hope for really. its hard work this sp malarky never quite sure if we are on the right track.

[bluebell8782]

Well there you go Glass..there is hope yet! They are still very young so it will take a little time..at least you and DH are on the right track.

You're right Sam..temper a bit of the crazy..I like that! This whole false protection is so irritating..the last text from DH's ex was 'Home is the centre of DD's world at her age..she'll feel homesick and sad if she's not with me.' Our home is DSD's home too..she has her own bedroom..her things there..our routines..she's happy! She won't be homesick at all because she will be home! We have her every second weekend and would have her one night during the week to if we lived closer..but not possible at the moment. Christmas falls on DH's weekend but the ex is not willing to share Christmas Eve or Boxing Day

[glasscompletelybroken]

DH's ex likes to think that her house is the girls home but in reality they do have 2 homes. They are with us half the time and DH has had that arrangement from the time him and his ex split up which is over 6 years. dsd2 is 8 so it's all she can remember and, contrary to exW's beliefs, the girls are fine with that and that is what is "normal life" for them.

The problems arise when the ex tries to have control or make the girls feel like they should be missing her when they are here and ringing them every day to make sure they are OK.

[NanaNina]

Phew - I know that ex Ps should put the needs of the children first, but sadly many are not emotionally mature enough to do this, and still carry a lot of hostility towards the new P (it's usually the birth mother who is at loggerheads with the step mother) I know it all gets ridiculous with the demands, and wanting to control, and not allowing the SM to park outside the house etc etc etc but I think this is the nature of the beast.

It brings out very very animal like behaviour in mothers. The lower form of animal life will kill for their young and the male lion will kill the cubs of a lioness with whom he wants to mate to preserve his gene pool. Step-parenting is not a natural thing to do, and I think too many people go into it with rose coloured spectacles, having fantasies about happy families, but as we know the reality is often very very different.

I feel for all those involved in fraught step parenting situations, firstly the children, then all the adults involved ............but often there is no way to find some middle ground and over time the hostilities become somehow "solidified" and the fantasies of the happy families, quickly fade away.

[samwellsbutt]

its got nothing to do with rose tinted glasses and vision's of happy families base instincts and all accepted you may have a point. but i am not an animal and i can choose to give in to my baser nature or not, i choose not to.
i dont make insane demands of my ex or my ex's gf under the guise of good parenting and the seeing someone else with your children banner is just crap loads of working mums leave their children with woman every day to be looked after or have nannys etc, like you say i suppose its the lack of control but that shouldn't really be an excuse.
its seeing someone else with your children and ex that is the problem whether you wanted him or not it seems.
my cat ate its kittens once that was obviously an animal instinct of some kind can we use that to explain some bad behaviour on some peoples part?

[NanaNina]

I was only stating my point of view, but of course you don't have to agree with it. I am of course aware that there are probably many step families that work well - it's just that the ones we hear about on the SP threads are having problems, which is why they post of course.

Not trying to be awkward but we are animals, supposedly the higher form of animal life (but I sometimes wonder about that) we're not vegetable or mineral are we?

Of course mothers leave their children with other women (nurseries, childminders etc) while they work but that is not comparing like with like, it is the thought of the ex's W or P caring for the children that is the problem. The wicked step mother has been the stuff of many children's stories through the ages.

Really don't know what to make of your cat eating the kittens - have never heard of this...........very strange

[samwellsbutt]

they do it apparently because the kitten is born defective in some way the mother can see, is the runt of the litter, they feel unsafe or they think something else is going to kill the kittens, so they do it first. most animals practise infant cannibalism by all accounts.