Please Help?

[batteredhead]

This is the first time I have used mumsnet and I must say I am a little nervous!
My partner has a 7yo DS from a previous relationship and I find it increasingly hard to get along with him. I dont know if I'm being unrealistic or unreasonable as I have no children of my own. Sometimes I feel like DP can't really be bothered with DS as he sticks him in front of TV/video games and generally lets him do what he wants and lets him speak to him in a not very nice manner. I've tried to say that he needs to 'educate' him a bit more rather than just letting him think that this is always going to be how it is. It's getting to the stage where I'd rather not be around when he visits. Is it me?

[ChippingIn]

Don't be nervous - we're (mostly!) a nice bunch of bossy helpful people :)

In what way do you feel you are finding it hard to get along with him?

How long have you been together?
How often do you have his son at your place?
How long do you have him for?

You do need to have another chat with DP when DS isn't there. You need to make him see that if he lets his DS talk to him in a rude way, that he will lose respect for him and that when he gets bigger he will be a right nightmare.

You can also tell DP that you will not be spoken to rudely & that you will be telling DS not to do so.

Have you got games etc that you can all play together?

Will DP go with you both to the park etc?

How is your relationship with DP other than this? I ask because I would find it hard to be in a relationship with someone who was like this with their son.

[batteredhead]

We have been together for about 2 years but have only lived together for 1. DS visits every other weekend for 3 nights (too much?). When he comes in he sometimes wont say hello, which REALLY annoys me but I can see he is uncomfortable. If were getting ready to go somewhere, DS will ask if I'm coming but in a way that means he's hoping I wont (i think). I must say, to begin with I felt for them both, but I think now I'm starting to loose respect for DP (is this how it would be if we had kids) and think DS is a pain in the bum. Up to now relationship has been great other than problems DS brings?

[ChippingIn]

How long were his Mum & Dad living separately for before you got together?

I would guess that he still sees you as an obstacle to them being together and like all children, that's what he really wants :(


I think that DP needs to talk to him, to explain to him that you and he are together and that he loves you and hopes in time he will too. That even if you weren't around he and his Mummy will never, ever live together - that you are not the thing that is stopping that. He needs to explain to him that you are another adult he can have a relationship with - you are not trying to take his Mummy's place.

You can both tell him that it is polite to answer when you are spoken to. All children need reminding of this from time to time!

Other than that I would buy some games you and he can play together. I found the wipeable board games a good one - especially noughts & crosses (I don't have step children - this was in another setting but with a child who didn't really want to communicate). If you have a DS let him play a game on it that you can play and he will need help with (Donkey Kong was good), take him shopping, ask him what he would like etc....

You really just have to engage with him.

Try to stop seeing him as a pain in the bum (which no doubt he can be!) but as a little boy who needs to learn to like/trust/love you.

[batteredhead]

They broke up when he was 2. I feel like I've done most things you suggest, e.g. play together, go swimming, make pizzas, cakes etc. but I still feel like he'd rather it was just him and his dad, which I don't have a problem with, but I think DP might? Sometimes, I use the time DS visits to have some 'me' time and see some friends. DP i think, wants me to be with them all the time. I get the impression DS mother is a lot different to me and maybe it's just we have a clash in parenting styles? Don't know where that leaves me, as think DP is too afraid to rock the boat as regards to discipline, whereas I think he should be aware of what is acceptable in our house. Maybe i expect too much or am being too harsh? I know DP spoils him out of guilt but I don't think thats the answer long term.

[ChippingIn]

He is 7, so luckily he's still little and you have a lot of time to change his view of you/you & his Dad.

You don't want to feel like this when he's 17 and the longer it goes on, the worse it gets... but at the same time you have to take the 'long view' and not expect it to change overnight.

You don't want to feel unwanted/uncomfortable in your own home, not now and not still in 10 years time!

I am suprised that a year/2 years on he is still like this.

Do you think his Mum influences him in this?

Although you don't have a problem with him wanting it to be just him and his Dad, I think it's a bad move to give into this as otherwise you will spend the rest of his childhood 'losing' your DP every other weekend which is not on and if you have children will be horrible.

Of course it's good for him to have some time on his own with his Dad - just as it is for any child.... but not to be allowed to demand/create that situation all the time.

It is your (as in yours and DP's) home and it is up to you (both) to decide how things are in your home - it doesn't matter what they are like in his Mothers home. Different houses - different rules is something kids deal with fine.

You need to talk to DP and make him see that while his son is little is the time to discipline him. It is much harder when they become teenages and does he want an unruly teenager who is rude and getting into trouble? Of course he wants to have fun and a nice time when his son is there - but you can do that with boundaries in place.

You need to create a family where DS is a part of that, he needs to feel wanted, loved, safe etc - he does not need to feel incontrol/like it revolves around him - that wont do him any favours. So, no, spoiling his isn't doing him any favours. Whether that's allowing him to do as he pleases or with material things.

[pleasechange]

Hi batteredhead - just wanted to say hi, it's not you, and give my tuppenceworth

I think what you're feeling is very common. The fact is that if you were the child's mother, then you would have an equal say in how the child is treated in your home and you would have significant input into discipline etc. When these aspects are removed (as they tend to be for a BoM!) then resentment does tend to set in.

I agree with chippingin that you need as far as possible to help your DH to understand that it's important to teach manners etc and that DBS shouldn't be allowed to be rude

One of the frequent ways we BoMs learn to cope with some similar situations is to 'detach'. When my DBSs were younger (before DS was born) I did this a lot, and tended to make myself very busy with other things during contact weekends. It's not ideal, and DH got very frustrated with me, but it was my way of coping. If I'd spent 24/7 with them on those weekends tbh I'd have gone mad. It is not easy to go from being a single childless person to being an instant BoM.

One aspect I found difficult was the gulf between my expectations of how children should be brought up, and how my DBSs were in fact being raised. To be fair, this wasn't my DH's fault, and he found it equally frustrating. A silly example was that they refused/were unable to use a knife and fork to eat, right up to the age of about 12 in the case of DBS1! It used to drive me potty watching children that age spearing a whole potato with a fork and eating it like a lollipop. It used to drive me even more mad that DH was scared to say too much about it. Tbh it got to the point that I couldn't sit at the same table and found myself busy at mealtimes. Sorry to go on, but I think it's a good example of how these things can build up when you feel so powerless to 'parent' a step-child

I think you will find some good support on this thread, so please stick around!

[Bahhhumbug]

Hi Battered !

Can I just take over the thread add my tuppence worth. i am often held up on here by my fellow stepmums as a prime example of - how you dont want things to turn out ! So I agree with everyone on here who says - although I can see why its easier - dont just leave them together and go off on your own. Especially if your DH is a bit of a Disney dad and doesnt do discipline.

Because then when he's a big strapping teenager or older - mines 23 and a bloody nightmare !- it will be too late for you to change things - start disciplining himself.

Also he will have become so used to just having to answer to his dad - and behaving how he wants - cos dads alright with that - the chances are he will be completely inconsiderate and selfish. Then and heres the rub really - when you start to either a) discipline him or b) complain to DH about him - they will both either ignore you - you've been out of the equation too long - or you will find yourself constantly bickering with your DH and your SS.

No start some input now so that when he's older he will know he has to take your house rules into account aswell and cant behave anyway he like as 'dad doesnt mind'.

I 'acquired' my SS when he was 16 so I did always tend to leave discipline to his dad as he was practically an adult. We bought a house a year later together and I still left it to him. If I had my time again I would have started as I meant to go on and nipped most of the current bad behaviour in the bud. Despite his age he was still moving into a house which I jointly owned so I should have established my own house rules and minimum expectations aswell as his dad.

My DH and SS are now so entrenched in one of them doing what he wants and the other being the only one applying any discipline (such as it is !) that when ever I dare so much as mention I am not happy with an aspect of SSs treatment of the house or behaviour then there is always fireworks.

Dont make my mistakes - and you have a head start on me at 7yrs old - start as you mean to go on - dont leave it till its too little too late !

Good luck. Sorry its a novel but if i can get through to one stepmum and prevent her from feeling like I do now,years down the line then its worth it.

[Bahhhumbug]

'it will be too late tochange things or start disciplining him' - that should have read end of 2nd para sorry.

[glassbaublescompletelybroken]

allnew I could have written that post. I already had 4 grown up children when I met my DH and my approach to bringing up children is quite different to his. I find mealtimes really hard for the same reason - and also becuase they won't sit at the table for the duration of the meal which is something my DC's had to do. They are 10 & 7 now and I don't see why they can't, to be honest. I have spent time cooking the meal - all they have to do is sit down and eat it nicely - not exactly a hardship IMO!

I also detach but I know it makes my DH unhappy which is not what I want, but so far I haven't found any other way of coping. TBH I don't cope with it that well at all.

[pleasechange]

glasscompletelybroken I don't think I cope very well either. I admit that 7 years on, I still get than sinking feeling when my DBSs arrive for the weekend. I feel somewhat of a failure regarding this, as I guess any outsider would expect that after 7 years I should feel much more towards them. Makes me feel like a bad person because I don't, but then I think using this forum has helped me come to terms with this feelings and appreciate that really, they're not so uncommon after all.

Re. the mealtimes, there was a particular period when we really were trying hard to get them to use knives and forks properly. DH wasn't great at prompting them (kept saying he didn't notice ). We were at MIL's on one particular occasion and as per usual DBS1 was spearing a roast potato with his fork and I said "DBS1 could you please use your knife and fork properly". Rather unhelpfully, MIL then said "well in America no-one uses a knife to eat". I was furious - a) for her sticking her nose in when I was the only adult in the world trying to teach the child manners and b) for being so effing stupid. wtf has America got to do with it . Dealing with DBSs and having ridiculous MIL - double trouble!

[glassbaublescompletelybroken]

allnew - we have a lot in common. I am 4 years into this now and feel I'm doing worse now than I was at the start. I constantly feel a failure and a bad person - how did this happen? I used to think I was OK but now I have so much self doubt - it gets me down.

[batteredhead]

Morning everyone - thanks all for your reponses. I take your point (allnew) that detaching might not be the right thing to do, but I'm not sure I've got it in me to do much else at the moment. I feel like I've not been met half way and need to make a point, though maybe i've not got about it the right way. I also am relieved that someone else has a problem with the way children eat - DS eats no better than a monkey and will not sit still either and it really winds me up. As a result, I wouldn't dream of taking him out anywhere, in contrast to a friend of mine who takes her 8 and 5 yo out a lot and gets complimented on well behaved her children are. Someone told me that they knew someone who picked up their child and took them out and then dropped them back off at mothers - not that I would ever suggest this, but was wondering what other people thought and if anyone does it, do you find it works?
As for the mother influence thing - I do think there is a bit of that going on as DS will often say things like, my mummy says you do this and my mummy does it this way etc. etc. Suppose this is normal? Just sometimes wonder whether it's all worth it! Can I ask a general view of what a reasonable bed time is for a 7yo? Thanks again all, I like it here!

[glassbaublescompletelybroken]

Hi batteredhead - I think 7.30pm is reasonable on a week night for a 7 year old - I know some will say that's on the early side but tired children are not the best company! I do think it's particularly hard when they're not your own children and they take over the evenings from an early age. You need some time to yourselves aswell. I found the loss of my evenings hard with my own children, so no surprises to find it hard with my DSC's.

[batteredhead]

Allnew and glassbaubles, take the words out of my mouth. I also feel like I am doing worse than ever - think DP also thinks this. Maybe the reality of what I have 'taken on' is sinking in and on some level i'm not sure about it? Can I really do this for the next ten years? Does anyone else feel like this? As for MIL - wtf?? Apparently DS grandmother told him he can use only his fork and use it in his right hand. I couldn't believe my ears tbh. Is it unreasonable to ask DS to 'lie in' till about 8 on weekends?

[batteredhead]

When I say lie in, I mean play with toys in room etc

[pleasechange]

Hi - "Someone told me that they knew someone who picked up their child and took them out and then dropped them back off at mothers - not that I would ever suggest this, but was wondering what other people thought and if anyone does it, do you find it works?"

• not sure what you mean. Do you mean drop the child back off to their mother's when we're going out somewhere and then pick them back up when we're finished?
  

We did that once because we were going somewhere on a Sat night (1 occasion during 7 years of contact weekends!) and DBSs' mother refused to let DH use a friend as a babysitter!

On the eating front - I also used to be embarrassed at their eating in public, as I didn't want people to think I was their mother and had brought them up like that! I think I did avoid going to restaurants etc as a result.

On the mother influence thing - yes, it can be a problem. If fact apparently their table at home was set just with forks, no knives . It can be very very hard indeed to bite your tongue when there are issues with the mother in question!

Bedtime - 8ish??

[glassbaublescompletelybroken]

I too think my DH thinks I'm rubbish at this - although he says it's only me who thinks that. I just feel like I must be a huge disappointment to him.

We used to have both DSD's coming into our room early in the mornings on the weekends. Now they are not allowed to come in until 8am (unless it's an emergency of course!)They can go downstairs and watch TV and this works quite well. Occassionally it doesn't but on the whole I think it's reasonable and works for us.

[pleasechange]

x-posted
8am in the morning is not unreasonable at all! Go for it

I just noticed you meant week-night bedtimes. In that case yes, probably a bit earlier than 8.

On your wider question about the future? I have been there in terms of thinking wtf am I doing. Tbh if I were to meet my younger self 7 yrs ago my advice would probably now be to run a mile. But I think it's a very personal thing. I'm sometimes amazed at how strong and positive some people are on her (mj springs to mind!). I think I'm not as 'cut out' for is as some others are. I'm a very private person and crave my own space a lot, so in retrospect having someone else's kids in my house on a frequent basis was always going to be hard. That and lots of other stuff. I wonder sometimes whether a step-parent's feelings towards their step-children is related in some way to the presence or otherwise of problems with the mother. In our case, there has been nothing but problems with her from Day 1 - money/access/everything. I guess it's only human nature, but I will admit that this has contributed towards me having my DBS's in somewhat of a 'problem' category in my head

[Bahhhumbug]

From reading GLASS and ALLNEWS posts am starting to think I might be under a misapprehension and therefore misleading you OP. I just always feel that had I met my SS when he was a little boy things would be very different. I always blame the fact that he looks at me like I've got two heads when I take on a mumsy tone with him and tell him to please not do this or that - on the fact SS has not grown up used to me being an adult to his child and it would be much more natural if he had.

Also even if I had started as I meant to go on when he moved into my joint domain when he was 17 and not let him carry on as if he only had to answer to his dad for his behaviour - even starting at that late stage I think things wouldnt be as entrenched as they are now.

But from what you two and others are saying maybe it wouldnt make a jot of difference ??

So as you were really !! I dont have any experience btw of being a stepmum to a younger child though I am a mum to two (now grown up) myself - so GLASS and ALLNEW definitely know more than me about it without doubt.

Just hate to think I am misleading or giving bad advice on a situation which I only have experience of the end result of really.

But I do mean well

[batteredhead]

Sorry I meant that a dad someone knows picks up the child every other weekend on sats and suns and takes them out somewhere (don't know if there is a new partner)then takes them back to the mothers. Someone else I know takes his daughter out every saturday for the day and she only stays at his house during holidays.

Have to say allnew - table just set with forks? OMG??

Just to be clear, bedtimes through week no later than 8? What about weekends? It has been know to be after 9, which I think is waaaaay to late.

Also, (sorry to go on) but one time when DS came in I though he smelled a bit and I told DP in a fir of fury that he should be washed everyday. When he comes to us, DP runs bath but DS says things like, 'god I have a bath every time here' and 'im not washing my hair' . The hair thing maybe fair enough as i dont wash my hair everyday, but I assumed that young kids would have a bath everyday?

[batteredhead]

Could I ask glassbaubles, do your DSD's still come in the bedroom and if not how did you go about asking for this? Did you just shoot from the hip or use gentle persuasion? Do you then both get up? I feel uncomfortable now he's a bit older with DS coming in the room. DP at one point wanted him to come into bed, which I flatly refused.

[pleasechange]

bahhumbug I don't think your posts are misleading at all. In fact your view made me look at my own situation and I admit that my strategy of detachment probably didn't help in the long run (although it certainly was a lifesaver for me personally at the time). The fact is that I don't see the children as 'mine' in any way. I know strictly speaking they're not my children, but unlike some step-mums on here, I just don't feel any sort of 'mothering' instinct for them at all.

Although I will say that I feel more positively about DBS2 than DBS1. I wonder sometimes whether this is because I met him at a much younger age (4). I'm not sure though, because really I think he's just an easier child to like generally.

Sorry I'm rambling now!!

[pleasechange]

I think 9pm is too late for a 7yo

Re. the mornings, as soon as I moved in with DH he stopped them coming into bed in the mornings. I definitely couldn't have that. And I think at 7yo it's not really a hardship not to get into dad's bed anyway!

I don't bath DS every day

But DBS1 aged 15 doesn't ever shower at our house

[glassbaublescompletelybroken]

I never really liked them coming in but didn't feel it was something I could try and stop. They caused it themselves actually by behaving so badly when they did come in that eventually DH banned them! This is very unusual as he has more patience than anyone i've ever met. They do still come in occassionally but it's rare - usually becuase they've fallen out over something.

[batteredhead]

OK thanks. Re the mothering instinct thing - I dont feel it either, and wondered if this is because I don't have children of my own, or just simply because DS is the child of DP with another woman?

Maybe if we had some rules at tea-time and bed-time etc it might be easier.

Gotta go out for a bit now but would welcome other reponses when I get back

thanks again