feeling sad about the ms nursery christmas show...aibu?

[aefondkiss]

my ds hasn't had a dx yet but has "asd traits" according to paed, speech disorder according to salt and is going for an observed play session next week... nursery are waiting on getting paperwork through for 1 to 1 help for him at nursery(pre-school nursery 2.5 hrs a day 3 days a week)

Last week the nursery nurse mentioned the xmas show, said ds didn't come in the morning they have been practising for the show, so he wouldn't know any of the songs, and she was "trying to think" of something to do about it, is that an attempt at inclusion?

I suggested I brought my ds in on the morning they practice, no problem to me...she said she didn't want to "upset his routine"... anyhow I am upset...nothing has been said since, but I remember last time they had a parade, with songs my ds was sat on a bench on his own... I don't know for sure but he may nort have been in the days they practiced for that show... my ds loves music and sings...

I might just being overly sensitive but I am wondering if he was nt would it be the same?(and would I be as bothered?)... it isn't a bad nursery per se, but I am thinking I just won't take him to the show, for him to stand out even more

I would love to hear opinions

[3andnomore]

Awww....I don't think you are over reacting, it does seem a bit odd
I would have thought that all the songs, etc...would be done more then once a week, because surely your son isn't the only one not there at said morning....surely things should be organised in such way that ALL children can take part, and even if different little groups do different little things...there is always a way
I would talk to them and ask them to come up with something so that your child, and I assume other children wouldn't be excluded.

If he is the only child not attending that morning they learn the songs they should be doing it in a session that your ds also attends....

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I don't think you're being overtly sensitive either.

I would talk to them re coming up with other ideas so that you feel he is included. After all he has as much right to be a part of this show as anyone else.

Christmas shows for me this year are not an issue (his year is not doing a Christmas play) but his class put on a show last year. What did my son do - he operated the lighting along with another boy. Fine, this is what DS he wanted to do and its an important job (!) but a tiny and small part of me could not escape the feeling that he was somehow picked to do this role and not be on stage with the others.

In time as well I'd start seriously looking into applying for a Statement for your DS. You as his parents are in a far better position than anyone else is with regards to seeking such a document.

[aquariusmum]

I know exactly how you feel. I have a slightly different take on it though, and I hope you don't mind me just expressing it. I used to try and take my DS to EVERYTHING that my (non SEN) DD did - now I figure, why put him and me through it if he really is going to get nothing out of it and I am going to be spending the whole time on the edge of my seat worried he is going to do something wrong. I think it all changed for me when I took my ASD DS to a barmitzvah and some so-called holy man asked me to remove him, as his noise was spoiling the ceremony. I was livid, heartbroken, upset, desperate - all those emotions. And then another mother of 3 boys put it into perspective for me and said all boys hate sitting still, and she wouldn't even take her NF 3/4 year olds along to this kind of thing, as they would find it impossible to be quiet. So then I thought, who am I really doing this for, and let's save my energy for the things that really matter - ie getting him to enjoy and survive in the mainstream classroom. I don't know if that helps. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me that my DS, like you are going through , will not play a part in the school play. But I console myself that it is meaningless to him, he is only there part-time, and the more important thing is what he does in the classroom. Anyway, ignore me if it doesn't help, as maybe he is perfectly capable of sitting still and singing the songs (in which case, fight like hell!). Big hugs!

[spacegirl]

My DS is in a similar position dx wise and loves singing and music (only thing he likes other than Thomas). Nursery told me he is singing his heart out and despite speech issues is singing all the words to his best ability. I may have other issues with his nursery but they have included him. He is a camel! OK not Joseph but I am so chuffed. He is in 5 days a week but even in his last nursery which he hated they had him stand on stage. They are only little so what if they get it wrong NT or SN. I feel angry for you that they are not even letting have a go. Surely that is the reasonable option.

[r3dh3d]

DD2 (NT) is only in nursery 2 days a week. She's in their Xmas concert (they don't do a play as such, so everyone performs). However, DD1 (SLD, SN nursery) will not be in the play because they don't have one: all the issues of who would or would not be in it and what they would do (most, like DD1, have no communication and many have no mobility) mean it's just not workable. They can do sports day, but they can't do a Xmas play.

It sounds to me like your nursery would like to include your DS in theory - but can only see the problems and obstructions so are trying to wriggle out of it.

What would he like to do, if he was given the chance?

[aefondkiss]

thank you for the replies...

yup 3andmore, he will be the only child not going to practice

cheers attila... I suppose even now we still have our head in the sand a bit about all this... we seem to jump through the hoops any concerned professional asks us to... I will look into statement... he won't start school until he is 5.3 (scotland) so he has another year at nursery after this...

aquariusmum I know what you are saying and I do agree, but it is a catch-22 situation... if I don't involve him, how can I know, and yes there are things I do avoid as much as poss (like shopping)... he might not sit for the whole show... but he would enjoy it, he wouldn't be too much trouble (imho) unless someone tried to take something from him... maybe I feel like the nursery don't want us there... not that they would ever say that but ..

r3dh3d... my ds couldn't express his wishes clearly, I couldn't ask him, because he has never been to such a thing, but I think he would enjoy it

[coppertop]

It's horrible that they've just taken it upon themselves to leave him out without discussing it with you first.

Ds2's teacher asked me if he would be okay with joining in as he finds it hard to tolerate noise. The decision we came to was that ds2 could join in for as long as he want to. If he was starting to feel stressed by it at any point he could do something else. So far he's loving every minute of it but we would never have known this if he had been automatically excluded.

I don't think you're being oversensitive at all, Aefondkiss.

[aefondkiss]

thank you coppertop, it does mean a lot to me that people I have told about this do think it is unfair... I know it isn't that important, in some ways(my ds won't be overly aware of missing out)... I suppose these things just remind me that he is an outsider in ms nursery....

he is my lovely wee boy and I am an over sensitive mummy

[TotalChaos]

I think nursery are being unfair, sorry that you have been upset by this.

[magsi]

aefondkiss.....

If I were you I would go in and talk to the teachers about how you are feeling, and how you feel like ds is being left out. Explain that you thought and expected ds to be included and feel like he is being really left out.

My Ds1 went to ms nursery 2 days and sn the other 3. He was in the same situation as your ds in the fact that the practice for the play was on the day he wasn't there. As ds1 was actually doing a nativity with his sn school, we decided 'together' that he would not be involved with the ms nativity this time round. However, I would have insisted that he was involved if his sn school wasn't doing one.

I know how heart-wrenching it feels when you want so much for your sn child to get involved as much as he can in his ms environment. Honestly, go in and talk to them. It doesn't matter about him not knowing the songs, its being involved that counts.

Good luck

[silverfrog]

I agree with magsi - do try go to talk to the nursery abou how oyu feel.

Dd1 has ASD, and last Christmas she was left out of the nursery concert (not even a play, so no specific parts etc). She went to all the practices, as she was in nursery at those times, and the nursery told me how pleased they were that dd1 was not upset by the change in routine (nursery was attached to a school and the practices were held in the school hall), and how much she enjoyed the singing, and that she was beginning to join in (she was 2 at the time).

Then the end of term came, and dd1 was left out of the concert. We weren't really ever told why, but dh and I were totally gutted. Dd1 lives to sing, and has a nice voice, and can hold a tune really well. Granted at that point she was singing gibberish as she couldn't articulate well, but it was in tune! (and, in a class of 2 year olds, how many know all the words anyway?!)

I still feel sad that dd1 was left out, and wish I had challenged the decision last year.

Dd1 is at a different nursery now (the concert being the first step in us not feeling happy with the nursery), and is taking full part in this year's concert.

[Troutpout]

i don't think you are over-reacting
I would definitely talk to the nursery and ask them if there is something they could do to include your child.