Mum, have i got aspergers syndrome?

[notactuallyme]

Eeeek! But actually, he seemed fine. After all my careful thinking and worrying about telling him, he's twigged (strategic placing of novel in bedroom) - sort of phew.
Had a chat about it.

[Ineedmorepatience]

I was dreading telling Dd3 but had to in the summer when she wanted to know why we were going out with the children and parents from the support group that I go to.

She took it really well. We had some very interesting behaviour for a while afterwards but I expected that.

Will pop back in a bit to tell you the name of a really good book.

[porridgelover]

I introduced the word to DS as he wanted to know from the get-go why he was going to see therapists.
He seems to perk up when I mention a famous person who has it, or if he hears about it on tv.

[notactuallyme]

Oooh, book would be good - ours was the mystery of the blue bottle.
Ds did get told different difficulties he had (to explain assessments) and we did allude to not everybody thinking like him, but what a relief. So far.

[thegovernor]

I did the book thing too as I wasn't sure how to start the conversation. I ordered a ton of Aspergers books from amazon. DD devoured 'Blue bottle mystery' and the sequel 'Of Mice And Alien' in about an hour. She really connected with these books but didn't quite make the connection. Immediately after she and grabbed 'can I tell you about Aspergers' which is a simple book which explains Aspergers to kids. After reading it she came to me and said that she thought she had Aspergers and we talked about it.

Sometimes when she is having a series of good days and I start to panic that she's been diagnosed with labels that may not be accurate, I ask her if the Aspergers stuff she reads reflects how she feels and reassuringly it does.

Being aware of her label has been very positive for us.

Another good fictional book is 'lisa and the Lacemaker'. This is Aspergers literature for girls. The traits of the protagonist are much more similar to how girls present.

[EllenJaneisstillnotmyname]

Eeeek indeed! Though I guess if you gave him the Bluebottle mystery book you were expecting some questions. Glad it went smoothly. I told my DS2 (13) that he had ASD a couple of years ago and he's just completely uninterested, never mentions it except to try and get out of homework occasionally.

[notactuallyme]

Thanks all - I was hoping for a connection via the book, but worried about him being upset. I think it helps I work within sen, so not an unfamiliar topic to him, and he has friends all- of them-- with various dxs.

[Pebbles69]

Do you mind me asking how old your child is please op? I need to discuss this with my son but not sure if he is old enough at 8?

[thegovernor]

My dd was 9.5.

Your son will understand and no doubt it will be a huge relief for him to know there's a reason why he feels the way he does and why he may not be connecting with his peers.

[Pebbles69]

Thank you thegovernor. I think I will order some of the books mentioned for my ds to read and have a chat.
Glad it went well for you and your son notactually.

[Greensleeves]

I told ds1 when he was about 7, because he knew something was different and was beginning to get unsettled about it.

Initially he went very quiet and said he wished I hadn't told him

then a bit later he opened up a bit and we talked a lot about it, he seemed to find it helpful that some of his differences were typical (ie not his fault!), but he also said he didn't like the idea that his personality was due to some sort of syndrome and not just his personality - that was really complex and my head almost exploded but we talked through it a lot and he seemed settled again

his social skills and confidence and his sense of himself among his friends etc definitely improved once he had accepted it

and recently (he's 10 now) he has come to me a couple of times and asked things like "is xxx to do with my Aspergers?" and it has helped to talk about it

it is never simple though, is it? Purely by virtue of having AS our children never do anything the easy way!

[MrsShrek3]

ds1 knew about his dyslexia diagnosis at just before 7th birthday and it was like we'd lifted a ton of lead off his shoulders. So when we knew for sure he had an aspie dx (as opposed to suspecting it since he was 2) we told him straight away. It's sometimes confusing for all of us as to where dyslexia ends and aspie begins (or vice versa I suppose) but he understands how his thought processes and perception differs from others, even being able to explain "well, you see it this way...but I think... "

[notactuallyme]

Ds is only just ten - we got the dx in march. I didn't want to tell him without a dx, but we did say things like not everyone thinks like that as a way of helping him. He has said that it explains why he doesn't always get on with people at school - gave a cple of specific spot on examples so I think its a relief.

[Handywoman]

notactually that's given me an idea..... dd2 is undiagnosed and 7 (8 in March). She is as yet unable to reflect on different ways of thinking (she is very much on traintracks and this is a big part of the problem). The idea of telling her about a diagnosis any time soon seems ridiculous. But I think she might benefit from me explaining that 'other people think about X in a different way'. Thanks for that notactually.
Handywoman xxxx

[Ineedmorepatience]

Sorry not I tried to come back last night but stupid wifi wouldnt let me.

The new book I bought Dd3 is called "Inside Aspergers Looking Out", it is very insightful (is that a word?) and has amazing photos.

Dd3 is in a group at school atm which is teaching them all about what their diagnosis means to them and how it affects them.

So far it has been good and I think it is helping her to understand abit more about herself.

Good luck

[notactuallyme]

handywoman glad to help - its usually me getting advice on here!
Thank you for the book - now its out in the open, I will try that.

[MammaTJ]

My DD is 7 and only knows that we are seeing someone to helpo mummy and daddy not have to keep telling her off all the time. No diagnosis yet, but I am sure she has ADHD.

[Mariesthename]

This is all great advice. My six-year-old son has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers. We haven't yet told him or his eight-year-old brother as we wanted to get the Christmas holidays over first and get back into a normal routine. What do you think - should we sit them down together and talk about it or speak to them individually? I know my older son sometimes struggles as he finds his brother slightly weird and a bit of an embarrassment around friends so I think explaining the ASD should help him be more understanding.

[notactuallyme]

Tell ds2 first in case something prevents you after telling ds1 and he gets informed by his sibling! I was thinking about the Big Reveal Conversation, but actually it has been taken a lot better by it arising sort of naturally. I think subtle hints at not everyone thinking that/ is there anything you want to ask the paed/ lots of people don't care about sticks so that's why they broke them over the years has helped.
Maybe talk to him about some of the difficulties he has, and how well he's done to manage some of them, and then pull it together with a kind of there's a name for this?

[redhappy]

Interesting to hear how you've all dealt eith this. Ds is 6, his diagnosis is ASD, he is more at the high functionign end, but with significant language delay. I imagine he will be a lot older than those children with Aspergers when I need to have this conversation with him. I'd be really interested to hear what you all do about siblings though? My dd is one year younger than him and I feel like I'm going to need to tell her something soon, but what?

[notactuallyme]

Hi - my oldest (by a few years) has been told the whole thing. I am thinking of talking to the smaller ones about how ds thinks differently and so they mustnt do teasing and them moan if he retaliates. And just like one wears glasses and they are off limits, ds has sense and touch difficulties and it is just not okay to tease him with e.g. Eggs.

[MrsShrek3]

WRT siblings, you know your own children best but fwiw we talk with them separately. with the aspie being the eldest we have needed to explain to ds2 that he is better than his brother at some things (and he is lovely with him, they've read books and comics together for years with ds2 doing all the reading, not arranged by us in any way either) but they genuinely recognise each other's strengths. We are clear about what behaviours are acceptable and perhaps unusually we have dealt with each child's responsibility in the situations where ds1 gets frustrated. If any of them see it coming they use a "stop" code word, and everyone takes a five minute break before going back to the game or activity. it is starting to work. It is a variation on circle of friends, I suppose. It is hopeless trying to get aspie ds1 to see it clearly when his head is confused, but at times he can feel himself "fizzing" and knows he needs to calm himself. By having one word, we take the stress out of communicating "I need to calm myself down or I Will bite you" The younger dc know what his needs are wrt routine and control and although a lot of the time they help him to be more flexible and explain changes if I have forgotten they also know just how to annoy him and we have to be clear that this just isn't acceptable. Ever. As equal as we try to be, there has to be a point where I just can say to the younger dc that I understand it is tricky being ds1's brother or sister. Ignoring the fact that he's challenging would just be making a very large elephant in the room. We just have to over use the "we are a family team and we help each other out" line

[EllenJaneisstillnotmyname]

Redhappy, my DS2 was DXed at 3 with ASD, and had very delayed and disordered speech. Because he went to a SS from 3 - 5 yo, DS1 just grew up around DC with all sorts of SN, Downs, CP as well as ASD, so he just knew and always made allowances.

I didn't sit down and tell DS2 until he was in Y6, just in case he heard things from children at secondary school. Primary school friends had all had an invisible disability talk when they were in infants. (Without DS2) He wasn't fazed at all, and never mentions it unless trying to get out of homework.

I told him that his brain worked differently to most other people, and that was why he was so good at remembering obscure facts/playing computer games (whatever fits, you can big up etc) but found other things harder, like playing with friends etc. That it was called autism, he had autism spectrum disorder. He didn't get that disorder can be a negative term, you might want to call it ASC. I didn't use a book as I couldn't find anything appropriate. He doesn't have Aspergers, he's very different from the AS stereotype and wouldn't recognise himself in any of the Aspie books.

DS3 is 3 years younger than DS2 and I had tried things like, DS2 finds sharing/waiting/talking etc difficult to learn. He never believed me and thought I was being unfair and making excuses for DS2! So I told him the DX at the same time as DS2, and he kind of accepts it.

In retrospect, maybe I should have told them a little earlier, but I really didn't think DS2 would understand any younger. He is quite HF, MS school, middle sets in comprehensive with 1:1 despite his early DX and speech delay, but really obviously autistic, flaps and squeaky high pitched voice etc. Hard to have any sort of conversation with.

[mariammama]

Ellen, we found the hooting / bouncing / not able to do conversation was a major flaw in the 'lets sit and have a big talk' approach to telling DS . Does your DS 'hold it in' at school? I can only presume our DS must be totally different there, as he's so obviously autistic at home, yet they're genuinely puzzled when I mention it.