Should DH or I do CC?

[Breizhette]

Hi,
My DD is 8 months old and she wakes up everynight around 12. I then get up and co-sleep with her in the spare room so she can BF during the rest of the night. My DH hates this situation and I am starting to get tired. The paediatrician suggested CC and said she thought better if DH did it rather than me as I would smell of milk. DH first agreed but now would rather we shared the task. We meant to start tonight.
I think it'd be better if he did it as 1/my DD is used to me picking her up everytime she calls 2/I will smell of milk 3/not sure I can do it.
What do you think?
If I am being honest I don't really want to do it!
Thanks.

[Meeely2]

it should be the same parent all night and yes dh would be better as he not so emotionally attached to her....my dt's are nearly 3 and although we don't do CC anymore, he still does all the resettling if they wake in the night as they can wrap me round their little finger and i end up asleep on the floor!

[fingerwoman]

if you don't want to do it, and your dh doesn't want the full responsibility then don't do it.
I could never do CC anyway, so maybe not the best person to give advice, but I am sure there are nicer ways of dealing with it

[Breizhette]

Thanks. In fact, I'd be quite happy to carry on as I love sleeping with her and Bf her to sleep. But I do think that she should learn to resettle to sleep when she wakes and I do worry as I am meant to travel for work some time soon so I'd rather she didn't need me as much by then. Plus my DH hates this situation. I am torn :-(

[Niecie]

If you are going to do DH has to do as your DD will be expecting to be bf by you and won't understand why she can't.

However, when we tried to do it with DS1 6 years ago I found I couldn't stay away whilst DH dealt with him. You can't get away from the crying and it went on for ages. We did it in the end although the effects only last for a couple of weeks and we never did it again for either DS1 or DS2.

You really need to be committed to it or it won't work and if you don't want to do it, the chances of it succeeding are not good.

[fingerwoman]

does she feed often once you're co-sleeping? could she co-sleep in your bed?
why not try settling her after the 12am feed and see how she goes?

[pooka]

Could you get a bedside cot and have it in your room so you could feed in the night?
If you're going to do it, your dh should do it, but if you're not keen, I think it could cause arguments, because I couldn't bear the crying and the sense that my dh was not being kind the one and only time we tried it.
Realised that we couldn't do it, and then at about 11 months did Baby Whisperer Pickup putdown, with shushing and patting. Much happier all round.

[Breizhette]

Once we co-sleep, I have noticed that she wakes less and less compared to what she used to do. I am half-asleep so I don't always know what time it is. I have tried a couple of time to resettle her, but then once I have gone and fed her, when I am back in my bed, I am wide awake and I can't sleep for hours.
Plus there is the issue of me going away for work at some point.
This is causing a lot of friction in my household at the moment. My DH even wants me to stop BF!

[Breizhette]

How long did it take for the P-U P-D to work? Where you BFing at the time?

[morningpaper]

Why no just try having you DH go in and settle her for the time being? He can rock and cuddle her so she will still be secure but will be being weaned off milk at night.

Personally my children were fed and cuddled at night until 18 months - for lots of people this is quite normal.

[DirtyGertiefromnumber30]

im a bit confused as to why your dh hates you getting up, bf and co sleeping with her?

[morningpaper]

What EXACTLY is the problem though? Is this really about sex?

[Breizhette]

No, I don't think it's sex. True, what's the problem? He thinks I am being cruel as she is addicted to BF and therefore won't sleep more than 3 hours at a time and that this lack on uninterrupted sleep is detrimental to her wellbeing.

[morningpaper]

Brei it's quite normal for young children to sleep that way

So his worry is that this is having a negative effect on HER?

[Meeely2]

and your dh is the expert on child rearing because.....??

if you don't have an issue with it and neither does your DD (she a happy baby during the day) then carry on....

the only reason we did CC (not really CC, but a variation of), was because they were twins, i couldn't actually be at their beck'n'call, so had to be cruel to be kind (prepares to be shot down in flames!)....and I knew at 5 months they were only waking through habit, not cos they were hungry. So I bit the bullet and did a few nights of wandering in half asleep, replacing dummies, and falling back into bed - they soon got the hang of it. But DH was much better at it as they got older than I was, so we just kinda switched roles and like i say, its still him that does it on the rare occasion he needs to, simply cos they don't argue with him!

[Breizhette]

I think he genuinely worries for her and he does feel that this isn't a normal situation. Maybe I'll suggest settling her when she wakes for a couple more weeks and see how this goes. I truly don't want to do CC and I know one has to be commited to make it work and I know consistency is key. I am so upset at thinking she won't understand what's happening as she always had a lovely sleep experience and suddenly it will be really scary :-(

[Gmakes3]

My dd was waking every 2 hours up until 3 weeks ago, shes 11 months. Was suffering from lack of sleep and finnaly decided enoughs enough. Was happy she was eating well and was not hungry and was pretty sure it was just habit. Did 1 week of letting her cry a little and dh trying to settle her. Took ages the first few days and was heartbreaking not going in. Good news is she is know sleeping on average 9-10 hours. You have to really want to do it or will give in. If I had not been so tired I readily admit I would have carried on getting up and BF, not only babies that get addicted.

[pooka]

Her feeding in thisway is not harmful to her in the slightest.

When dh did PUPD I wasn't feeding at night any more (only during the day until she was about 14months). Kind of phased the night feeds out at the 6month stage, by offering drinks of water instead (or rather, dh offering water ). She had been having solids for 2 months by then (olden days) and was gaining weight and tbh she didn't really feed too much during the night, more a comfort thing.
She also had a dummy and noukie which were invaluable in maing her feel secure and settled.

Did the same with ds, but from about 8months, because he didn't start solids until he was 6months. Again, dh did all night wakings from that stage, and basically shushed and patted, offering water. Again ds has a dummy and a clothie, which help.

[ImBarryScott]

If you don't want to do it, don't do it.
CC has to be done consistently to work.
If you cave in after 10mins, or 30, or an hour, or however long, you may as well not have bothered.

CC has (so far, touch wood etc etc) worked for us. But our desperation made us 100% committed. And we got lucky, with very little crying. AND IT WAS STILL AWFUL! so if you're not committed, (for committed read desperate) I'm not sure why you would do it.

Why not get a few books on different approaches (Sears, Baby Whisperer, Ferber, Pantley) from the library, make your DH read up on all the options, and agree on an informed choice.

If he doesn't want to read them you could just chuck one at his head each time he moans about co-sleeping.

[Breizhette]

Thank you all for your advice. DD used to like her dummy but she has started spitting out about 2 months ago. She is a very happy baby during the day so what I do isn't entirely bad. Started solids 2 month ago and she is a big girl so she shouldn't really need the food during the night. She has just associated falling alseep and suckling.
I wonder if I could try and break the addiction gently. As I said, I will need to go to the US for work soon. I was considering bringing her with me at some point!

[Breizhette]

ImBarryScott, I have quite a few of these books already but DH hasn't shown a massive interest in them so far (read none). After this thread, I think I realised that I need to have a good chat with DH tonight...

[amijee]

hi there

have not posted for ages but just wanted to share my experiences with you.

My ds is now 14 mths old but was feeding 2 hrly thru the night until he was approx 8 mths old. We did some sleep training but a very diluted version of cc. The biggest reason for failure is lack of commitment - BOTH parents have to believe it's the right thing to do otherwise it doesn't work.

The big question is - are you happy with the way things are now? If you are, don't change. I wasn't happy but it took me a little while to be motivated and commited enough to change things.

I can understand where your husband is coming from - my Dh was the same but I expalined that the time had to be right for me as well as him.

The same goes for stopping breastfeeding. I stopped last week ( when it felt right for me) despite my dh wanting me to stop over 6 mths ago. I am happier that it was my decision ( and I have my libido back!!)

There are no right or wrong ways of doing things in my opinion - it just needs to be right for you.

[Breizhette]

Thanks Amijee. What did you do that worked in the end? Does your DS now sleep through?
Turns out that last night which was supposed to be the first night of the change DD was violently sick so we didn't change her routine.

[jorange5]

make your husband do it. It worked for us and the way I see it is that you have had disturbed nights for 8 months, it's time for him to share the load for a couple of nights. You don't have to do CC, just get him to cuddle her when she cries.

[jellybelly25]

Don't do CC if you don't want to!! There are easier ways that are just a bit more gradual. What is your time limit? I.e. when is your trip away with work??

My experience of 'sleep training' is with smaller babies than yours but it worked really well for both of my bf dds, seven years apart! It didn't involve no crying at all, and there were days when we didn't make any progress at all, but over a couple of weeks it really worked and its a much less abrupt way of helping her learn to go to sleep alone than just to suddenly stop doing what you're doing which will scare her and make her feel insecure.

I posted here about my ideas, I really feel quite strongly that you don't need to do cc if you don't want to, it is traumatic and, imo, unnecessary.

[Chirpygirl]

My DD fed in the night until she was about 9 or 10 months. She was in her own room by this point so I would go in, feed her on the (nice comfy!) sofa in her room and put ehr back in her cot when she had BF herself back to sleep.
When she hit about 10 months she just stopped waking at night so it was solved that way.

Maybe just do a couple of nights feeding her and putting her back in her cot to see if that works. You might be getting up more often but she would start to learnt to sleep on her own without you.