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Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Secondary education

help me with dd, please! Really long!

41 replies

seeker · 10/12/2007 12:32

My dd is 11 - nearly 12. She is in year 7 of a school where only two of her primary school mates go. One is her cousin - she gets on OK with her although they are very different - the other is the "class know-all" who, although they are friends, has been low level bullying my dd since year 3 (does than make sense? I don't mean really bad bullying, but a lot of manipulation - deciding who's allowed to be her friend, that sort of thing) She is in a different form from both of these tow, and seemed to be getting on really well, new friendships emerging and so on, until she was off sick the week before last. Since then she has been so low and unlike herself, very quiet and no bounce at all. I put it down at first to getting over the bug she had, then to end of term tiredness.

Then today we missed the bus so I had to drive her to school, and on the way she broke down in floods of tears about not having any friends and since she was off nobody wants to be her friend any more and she doesn't want to go to school....... she was so sad. I desperately wanted to turn round and take her home and never let her go there again (!) but I didn't and I managed to get her into school, where by some extraordinary co oincidence, the education welfare officer was hanging around in Reception! I stood back and let her take over - and she said she'd take dd off for a hot chocolate and a chat with the Head of the Junior School. So I gave dd a hug and off she went, very droopy and tearful, but she went.

I'm now not sure whether to ring the school, or wait for dd to get home - or what. Any advice? And dd insists the girl who used to bully her isn't doing it any more, but would you tell the school about it anyway? Or is that Primary school type parenting?

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fluffyanimal · 10/12/2007 12:44

No suggestions but just a big supportive hug for you so as to bump your thread.

seeker · 10/12/2007 12:46

Thank you - your fur is very comforting......!

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sugar34plum · 10/12/2007 12:47

I would call the school and ask if dd was ok. And to also make sure that they were going to keep an eye on her.

My dd is exactly the same age as yours and we went through exactly the same 2 weeks ago and i spoke to th ewo who in turn spoke to my dd and also the other girl.

Result was this girl apologised to my dd and has since left her alone.

It came at a really bad time anyway as dd knocked her 2 front teeth in half so i this knocked her confidence a lot too.

Apart from being anxious to see the surgeon over her teeth dd is so much happier about going to school.

she knows the teachers are there to help her and she was thankfull that i didnt go way too mumsy over it all and emabarrassed her.

so yes phone and check but also ask dd when she gets home.

imo this way they know they can tell us and we not only listen but we can deal with it without embarrassing them for life!

But it is awful to sit back and know that someone is bullying your child to the point theyt make them cry.

I hope her school is as afficiant (sp) as ours and puts a smile back on your dd's face soon xx

chopchopbusybusy · 10/12/2007 13:04

I wouldn't call the school. I don't think it will improve matters today and if you don't get the reassurance you want you will only feel worse about it until DD comes home. Make some time for her this evening when she comes home and just have a chat about how things are going. Maybe she just needs someone to listen to her problems. There are lots of ways to make more friends. Lunchtime and after school clubs. Sports teams if she has an interest in sport. Are there any school trips coming up that she could go on?

Depending on how the conversation goes tonight you might want to phone the school tomorrow. I know what you mean about the difference between primary and secondary in terms of getting involved, but if your DD is unhappy I think the school would want to know. Oh, just to add, I always make sure my DDs are happy with any contact I am going to have with the school.

sugar34plum · 10/12/2007 13:16

Forgot to point out my dd was asked if she wanted to speak to the ewo. And she did but she know there was no pressure and she didnt if she didnt want to.

ggirlsbells · 10/12/2007 13:27

I don't think there is any harm in you contacting her tutor or head of year .
Probably best to wait until tomorrow after you speak to your dd.

The school know about the problem now ,you should find out who is responsible for her pastoral care so you can contact that person when needed.

I remember my dd finding yr7 a struggle with all the peer groups changing.They are all shifting their friends at this stage and it is quite a stressful yr anywya ime.

I hope your dd has perked up and the problem will be dealt with.

seeker · 10/12/2007 13:58

Thank you all - she has just rung up and sounds a bit happier. She told me that her head of year was already aware of the issues between her and this other girl in the past - so presumably her Primary school told them about it. Impressed by attention to detail if they did!

I'll chat to her tonight - we've got a couple of hours as it happens because ds is at a party, so I'll take a lead from her about where we go from here.

Thanks again.

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fizzbuzz · 10/12/2007 20:49

I would contact school. I teach in a huge secondary school, and would want to know this info about a pupil I teach. Not for bad reasons, but to keep an extra eye on them, and be aware of anything that is making her unahppy

seeker · 10/12/2007 21:29

Brief update - the head of year rang me, and it turns out that she is aware of the issues between my dd and the other girl and have been keeping an eye on it - their primary school head told her! She said that she thought there was a problem brewing - and were considering how to interven before today brought it to a head. I'm very impresses - there are 1200 girls in this school and I didn't expect such a good level of pastoral care. She said she had asked dd who she wanted to be friends with, and dd named two girls. The head of year said she's going to find a job for them to do together for her next week in the hopes of building the friendship. Dd and me both much happier now - thank you

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MummyPenguin · 10/12/2007 22:47

My DD is also in year 7. I would say friendship issues at this stage are fairly common. They're still 'sussing each other out' and forming friendship circles and so on. My DD has had a few problems too, but has a couple of good friends (one from primary one that she's met at secondary) who get her through. I don't know if this is your first child to go to secondary (it is mine) and someone who has an older child at secondary said it can take months for things to really settle. I hope she'll be okay, I'm sure she will. Sometimes my DD goes out in the mornings teary for no particular reason. I'd say a lot of it is end of term tiredness and HORMONES!!!! It's that age! She probably feels a bit 'out of touch' now she's gone back after her bug. I'm sure things will settle soon.

seeker · 02/01/2008 05:42

Brief update and more help please. Things got a bit better towards the end of last term - she invited 3 friends to lunch to celebrate her birthday and had a good time, and she's had a happy holiday.

The yesterday she went quiet and sad again and is saying she doesn't want to go back to school (although she also says she will - she knows she has to) She says that she feels everyone else is settled better than her and has their circle of friends and she hasn't and she doesn't know what to do. I've said all the normal things about there are probably a lot of people who feel like her, and often people look much more confident and settled than they really are.

Please reassure me that your dds felt like this and are now happy and settled? Is there anything I can/should do?

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dgeorgea · 02/01/2008 09:42

Hi Seeker,

I think you have identified the problem, it is lack of confidence. Hardly surprising as the last time she had time off school things went bad for her.

At the moment all you can really do is reassure her and if possible help to get her mind off it for a while.

I used to hate going back to school after holidays, for different reasons, and it was always easier to fear the worse then expect the best.

seeker · 02/01/2008 10:15

Thank you. I'm alternating between feeling "Oh' pull yourself together, you silly girl" and "Oh sweetheart, of course you can stay home and never go to school again if only you'll smile" and all points in between! Needless to say, I don't say either of these things!

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WanderingTrolley · 02/01/2008 10:22

Your poor dd.

I think she might be focussing on the bad things that happened last term, rather than the good end to the term. Has she been in touch with her friends over Christmas?

Can you arrange a treat for after school, on her first day back? Even if it's just a hot chocolate in a cafe, or her favourite tea?

Are there school clubs she can join, or an outside school activity? She sounds like she needs a confidence boost.

seeker · 02/01/2008 10:46

We haven't really had time for more than texting school friends over Christmas - we've had hordes of cousins and people around. She's confident about school things - her school ahve its after school clubs at lunchtime IYSWIM and she's joined and is enjoying three! I think it's the friends thing which is the big issue - she would so love to be part of a "gang" like she was at primary school and she isn"t....yet!

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seeker · 02/01/2008 22:26

Any last minute thoughts, anyone?

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seeker · 03/01/2008 08:52

Shoved her onto the bus crying - bloody hell, it's worse than reception!

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Pimmpom · 03/01/2008 11:26

Arwww - really feel for both of you.

You will have an awful day but I bet once she is there, she will be fine. The thought of going back is often worse than actually being there.

There is nothing worse than thinking your dc are unhappy! It doesn't get any easier, does it. Hope she has had a good day and you are worrying for nothing x

seeker · 03/01/2008 11:28

Thank you - I was feeling all alone! I'm sure she'll be fine - 12 is simultaneously so grown up and such a baby!

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Pimmpom · 03/01/2008 11:34

4 O'clock will soon come - keep busy

I'm the worlds worst for worrying how they are when they go off unhappy

One minute my ds (yr 7) seems grown up, the next he is all insecure and we are having cuddles.

seeker · 03/01/2008 11:37

Maybe it'll snow - then I can go and get her early!

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kittylouise · 03/01/2008 11:44

Oh seeker your poor dd.

My dd, also 12 and in year 7, had a wobbly period just before Christmas. She settled in wonderfully into the school, but was in very few lessons with her junior school friends. She had a very similar incident of low level bullying which caused her great upset, and it really knocked her confidence, which broke my heart because she is such an outgoing and sunny girl. She had a few weeks where she really didn't want to go to school. I found the school to be wonderfully supportive; her tutor called and emailed me to say he was keeping an eye on her, and he encouraged her to join in some activities and to make new friends, all in a very low-level and informal way. I couldn't thank the school enough.

DD is not raving about going back to school on Monday, but neither is she crying like she was in December.

If I were you I would call and speak to the tutor again, sounds like your dd's school is very good pastorally, and they may have some more support networks which they can use, such as peer mentoring or 'buddying'. In any case I wouldn't worry about bothering them or appearing to clingy - it is in the school's best interest to look after the welfare of its students right from the start.

It is such a hard time for girls; my dd has been an absolute breeze since she was born, and the age she is now she needs far more emotional support than she ever has!

mumblechum · 03/01/2008 11:47

My ds (now Yr8) went through similar trauma when he started Yr 7 as he didn't know a soul and everyone else in his class knew each other from primary.

I used to feel terrible, every day I'd ask him what he'd done at lunchtime and he'd say he'd sat in the library by himself. He's always been v. sociable, had loads of friends at primary and I was on the verge of pulling him out and sending him to the comp which all his old friends were at when things started to turn round.

I invited probably about 6 boys from his class round for tea,(not all together!) and what with invites back and a few party invites, he eventually started to make a nice group of mates.

These days, his whole class seems to congregate together at lunchtime, it seems to be a happy little tribe together and he's socially very settled now.

It does get better in time, I promise!

seeker · 03/01/2008 13:11

Thank you all. Kittylouise - I hope yours is having an OK day - perhaps we could compare notes this evening! I"ve decided to see how she gets on today and Friday - and how she feels on Monday before I talk to the school again - I'm hoping it'a just a transition between holiday and term problem. Fingers crossed!

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seeker · 03/01/2008 13:11

MC - it is soo good to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel!

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