yr7 DS- how can I help him improve this?

[VodkawithRosie]

DS has always had his head in the clouds a bit, I have never been able to ask him once, always the last one out, forgets to do things he does regularly etc.

It seems as if it needs someone to be really cross with him or deny him something (pocket money) before he pulls his socks up and does something about it. I generally feel as if I need to be over his shoulder all the time nagging him, or it doesn't get done, however if we have recently had a big set to about an issue he will suddenly magically remember to do everything he should do.

I know I'm not explaining this very well, so examples would be

He was told if he didn't remember to tuck his shirt in he would be put on uniform report, he didn't and so was put on report for a week. He remembered every day that week, so came off report and now 2 days later I have had a note from his tutor saying he will go back on report as it is now untucked again.

He has to underline his titles in his work. He doesn't do this until the teacher mentions it in her marking (they are taken in to be marked once a week or so) and then he underlines for a few days before he forgets again.

There are quite a few other 'little' things like this, which I always feel bad nagging him about as he is a very good boy in so many ways. He is quite mature, his marks are great, he got A for effort in all subjects other than RE and cookery, he is and has always been able to fairly easily do the work he is set across most of the subjects.

We have tried encouragement and praise, charts, bribery, grounding and pocket money stopped. It sometimes feels that the only thing that works is really throwing a wobbly at him which I hate doing, and anyway this generally is short lived and is wrong on so many levels including the fact that it is often something trivial, but horribly repetitive, he doesn't 'dot the i's and cross the t's' iyswim.

Am I making too much of these things? Is it normal for a 12 yo just to be lazy about them? I do feel he makes the minimum effort required but this doesn't reflect in his mid-year report.

If I'm not then how do I tackle this?

[scaryteacher]

Kick his ass on the RE please!

OK, I have had a Year 7 tutor group and I could be on their backs about underlining, uniform etc and whilst they did it for a while, they then forgot. I have a 15 yo ds, and I have a go at him about underlining and dating his work, so it doesn't improve.

My ds is bright but lazy and has coasted for all of his school life, so hopefully his upcoming year 10 exams will shock him to the core if he doesn't get the right results.

I veer between helicoptering and backing right off, and there doesn't seem to be a happy medium, especially as ds's school doesn't follow through on it's promises, which drives me mad, given their fees. Today he announced his calulator (new) had been nicked and he'd lost his trainers for PE. He's buying the new calculator (third one this year), and I'm not doing anything about the trainers until next week when he's broken up. He needs to look for them.

I think they emerge the other side of this once at Uni, or so someone told me yesterday, so only another 3 years to go for me!

[bananashavenobones]

Would like to know how this can be cracked too, DH is in 50s and his head's never been out of the clouds... don't even want to think how we've survived for so long!

Thinking about it (mostly I go out of my way not to), it's probably got worse over the years.

Sadly at least one DC is like that, probably two. Making a joke about it sometimes had a slightly longer effect, but you're right, it never lasted. You can only do your job, DCs have their own priorities. Looking back, school took much the same approach.

[VodkawithRosie]

Ah well, at least I'm not alone! I just get to the point sometimes where I'm tired of the sound of my own voice!

[lelly88]

Don't sweat the small stuff!

[grovel]

I would not panic. My DS (20 - at university) is only just beginning to get his act together.

[VodkawithRosie]

I am relieved to get some perspective on this, thanks , I did think I was probably expecting too much but it's nice to hear it from others.

RL friends with DC this age have girls, so I can't really compare as I know how different my DD is.

[busymummy3]

This is called having a boy!! I have a DS Y7 JUST LIKE THIS (except for the RE apparently he is "exceptional" ) HAVE 2 dd's one in Y9 and one in Y3 . The DD in Y3 has her act together much more than her 12 year old brother

[RatherBeOnThePiste]

I am so glad to read this and know we are normal!!

What I do like is that he doesn't worry about things in the same way as his 13 year old sister. His life seems more straightforward, even with the forgetting, the losing etc!

[scaryteacher]

Just to cheer you up - ds lost Physics file yesterday, having found the lost trainers. Took him 20 minutes trailing round his classrooms to find the file.

This morning, he thought he'd lost the new calculator (bought yesterday), but no, he's lost his new planner bought 10 days ago! Luckily the old one turned up, so he has that. He is not impressed because I am now saying he will have to pay for what he loses.

He is not safe to be out on his own. How is he going to cope later when I'm not there to think for him at Uni?

[RatherBeOnThePiste]

Your post made me smile scaryteacher! Sorry

DS today has to trail round and find his Oyster card and pencil case today. He sort of seems to bumble his way though each day

[gingeroots]

Oh this is very heartening - I too a have head in the clouds , " it'll be fine " DS .
We make much use of wallets ( Oyster card firmly inside ) with chains to belt loop .
Though of course that system breaks down when a different pair of trousers are worn .....

[VodkawithRosie]

Oh you lot are fab , I feel like a weight has been lifted.

My favourite is- have you got all your homework/pens/sports kit/lunch from me each night and then again each morning several times, met with a look of derision from DS.

This is swiftly followed by a text once at school - Muuuuuuuummmm!!! I've forgotten my homework/sports kit/head/way off the bus.

I am too soft to say hah! too bad boyo! and let him get in trouble and rush in whatever it is he has left behind.

I have started making him pay for things he looses though, this only had an impact when he thought he'd lost his trainers too scary (left them on the bus) and I told him he was paying if he didn't get them back, man did he pull the stops out to find them! Pens and things he just shrugs off and buys more

I worry for his future living conditions, I really do. Although sometimes I see a glimpse of who he might become, when he comes food shopping he arranges things in the trolley and on the checkout very methodically, and he is super organised over his paint brushes- what does this mean?!

[VodkawithRosie]

wallets are a great idea ginger, we only buy blazers which have an inside pocket with zip close, they are not allowed to remove their blazers so in theory this is impossible to loose. I am sure he'll find a way to test this theory very soon.

[IloveJudgeJudy]

I agree with homeboys. You need to stop bringing his stuff in. Only that way will he learn to be responsible and take the punishment that comes with forgetting stuff. I would try and get him to get everything ready the night before, though. I would nag him to do that, but don't take stuff in that he's forgotten. It's all part of growing up. You could e-mail his form teacher to see if they've got any ideas, too. They're usually pretty helpful if you show an interest.

[lorra62]

This is my DS exactly, He is in Year 8. I really dont know what to do with him, He forgets things, loses things, takes ages doing things. But I have started making him pay for lost items, bus passes, planners, In fact as we speak he has lost his planner although he has been told it is at upper school, but has he been to get it? No. He constantly needs someone behind him reminding him what to do.....

[2gorgeousboys]

Nooo!! DS1 (11 and yr 6) is just like this and I have been convincing myself for years that he will magically improve when he goes to Secondary school in September, sadly from your posts it appears he will not!

This morning I sent him upstairs to clean his teeth and 20 minutes later went up to find him admiring himself in the mirror having done nothing. I reminded him 3 times this morning to remember his guitar - get to school and cue "Muumm, I've not got my guitar!" so I had to trail back to school with it (would not have done apart from th fact I have paid for these peripatetic lessons and he WILL learn to play!)

[VodkawithRosie]

that's exactly it lorra, he needs someone behind him reminding him what to do

You are right though homeboys and ILJJ, I do need to toughen up on that one. I think I am too empathetic as I have a terrible memory too, and then I think of him getting told off when I could have helped and my guilt thing goes into overdrive.

I am going to be more thorough on the checking the night before thing now I think, and actually sit with him going through the planner and putting things in methodically. He'll love that.....naaaaat (as these young'uns say). Then I will feel that I have done all I can and am beyond reproach which will hopefully make me stronger when he does forget something.

[CrystalChandelier]

My arrived home to tell me he'd lost his blazer. "How the hell did that happen?" I asked. "Well I looked down and it wasn't on my body."

[scaryteacher]

Mantra when leaving in the morning - have you got your brain, key and card, willy, lunch?

I have removed his exam timetable from him and will be getting dh to scan it and email it to me (scanner broke at home), and then I will have a copy. I also have Excel copies that I have done of his timetable for each week, that should he lose his planner, we have access to what is going on.

He is supposed to pack the night before for the next day, but inevitably he has lost his memory stick/watch/pencil case/planner/files and only realises in the morning. Sixth form when he is going back to UK to board will be a shock.

[Sportsmum]

A friend has a daily check sheet on the fridge for her DS - mobile, oyster card, planner, homework etc and HE has to check it off physically every day!

It seems to be a boy "thing". I have even charged "petrol" to one child who, despite being reminded the night before and in the morning, forgot something vital! Hasn't "reoffended"!

One of the DCs had to apologise to a member of staff for growing too quickly - as it was impossible to keep shirt tucked in for longer than a nano second. Fortunately they found the funny side of things - I didn't - [makes note to buy yet more shirts].

Apparently they do grow out of it, however, if their father's anything to go by....

[Acanthus]

This is NOT a boy thing, it is a child thing. I have a DS in year 7 and he packs his bag every night, checks his planner and has forgotten one exercise book on two occasions all year. No lost property, no forgotten homework. If a child is allowed to feel the consequences then they will stop the behaviour.

Does no one see that choosing to believe that it is a boy thing leads to mums facilitating this behaviour and training boys into the "did we send my mum a card" fuckwittery that people are bemoaning on that other thread at the moment?

[Alouiseg]

Well I have 2 boys. Ds1 is the head in the clouds, laid back boy while ds2 is organised and ahead of himself.

I had this conversation with a friend this morning. It's really not that uncommon. I hav decided that I'm not picking up anyone's pieces anymore...including dh's

[Sportsmum]

Does no one see that choosing to believe that it is a boy thing leads to mums facilitating this behaviour and training boys into the "did we send my mum a card" fuckwittery that people are bemoaning on that other thread at the moment?

What absolute bollocks

[scaryteacher]

Having had a mixed year 7 tutor group with differing parenting involvement with both genders, it is a boy thing.

Planner found today, bag packed for tomorrow. Last day of term.