Is it me? Is it him? Fed up of walking on eggshells.But worried about him too.

[dotterel]

Am a long-time MNetter - changed for obvious reasons.

Have been happily married for years and years.
DH stopped smoking a month ago and has seemingly had a personality transplant.
we are hideously linked in terms of when he gets a bit down, I get a bit down and vice versa....But this is like nothing I have exoeriencde before.
He broke down crying the other night for no reason.
he is constantly criticising the children, shouting, exploding...being sarky, snappy...

We 'celebrated;' a milestone anniverary last week - it was awful. I got a bit upset bec\ue I felt a bit taken for granted and like he has forgotton who I am. I think I had unrealistic expectations and was disappointed, But he reacted against my low mood and was vile.
I tried to arange a nice meal out, which he carped about and totally wrong footed me.
He is drinking too much.

I sggested we go away for the weekend this weekend to mark our anniversary. I thought we had a nice time, but all the way home he was surly and snappy. He said his head hurt. He had to pull over at one point.
He came home, drank 2 glasses of wine, watched the footy, then stormed out of the house without telling me and sat int he garden alone for over an hour. I didn't know where he was for ages.
He then came in the house as if nothing had happened, while I put everything away, and then sparked out asleep on the bed. He is still asleep.

I want to tell him how changeable he is. how hard it is for me and the boys to work out what mood he is in. How he makes us all feel when he rejects the boys (one son is 12 and I am scaed dh is driving him away ) How hard is is for me to try and make everything ok all the time.

I m so tired and scared.

We had a terrible year last year and then things improved dramatically. It's almost like we srvived the earthquake but have been knocked to our feet by the aftershock.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Hang on, are you saying this has all been happening since he stopped smoking? Is it since then or was it starting before? Bit confusing.

[dotterel]

sorry to be confusing, I am exhausted to be honest.
It seems like it is since he stopped smoking...I know that sounds barmy. It feels as though he started to get so irritable around then and I told the boys ''we all have to very patient with dad as he is doing a good thing and it won't last''.
But you know what? It has lasted and is getting worse.

[dotterel]

before this month, I would have said we were pretty happy, pretty solid. I would have said that having survived last year's financial horrors, we could survive almost anything! Now I don't know where i am, to be honest.

[Pheebe]

Has he quit cold turkey or is he taking anything? Sounds to me like he needs to see his gp about his mood swings and aggression. He is withdrawing from a psychoactive drug (nicotine), not everyone reacts in the same way. He may need to take nicotine supplements (patches or some such) to support his withdrawal or he may need something else. He should see his gp asap,

Its not acceptable behaviour by any stretch of the imagination. However, having quit smoking myself (7+ years ago) I do recognise some of his behaviours - mood swings, irritability, head aches. The drinking too much is a worry, he's trying to replace the 'kick' and thats a slippery slope.

[bananalover]

he has just recently given up smoking.
considering that it is 9 times harder to give up tobacco than it is to give up heroin, i think you should cut him some slack.
i could never give up smoking, even though i know it kills. only gave up when pregnant, then started again after....it is soooo hard so give him some time.

[maristella]

i quit smoking for a few days earlier this year, and i literally lost the plot. i couldn't handle anything and was tearing my hair out with rage, it was awful.
one thing that was instantly missing was the opportunity to take 5 minutes out (and smoke) whenever i got stressed. maybe explain to your dh how traumatic his withdrawals have been for those around him, and ask him to take 5 minutes out when he is stressed and likely to erupt.

[dotterel]

see, I do know how hard it is to quit - I am 40 and only quit properly 18 months ago. (I stopped during pregnancies but always lapsed again)
interesting what you say about it being a psychoactive drug, Pheebe, I hadn't looked at it that way.
The drinking thing worries me, he does seem to be swapping one for the other.
How on earth does one get a blokey bloke (who doesn't 'do' talking about emotions and feelings) to a gp?

He has been asleep since 6pm. i just went up to check if he was ok and to offer him some food (he has only had some crisps since breakfast...) and he was all disoerientated and thought it was Monday. He asked me to leave him to sleep.

[Pheebe]

You need to be blunt with him, not all touchy feely. Tell him he is being aggressive and unreasaonable and he needs to see the gp. The next step is probabaly unthinkable but I would consider it to protect my kids from emotional abuse, because however you dress it up, thats what it is.

The man you love is in there somewhere and you do need to cut him some slack but he HAS to deal with the situation proactively, end-off

[dotterel]

oh god, I wish you hadn't used those words...I have had real ishoos with my Father (who I am not in touch with any more) because of emotional abuse) and I found myself today feeling really upset because he said something to my son which triggered a spark of recognition in me.
But surely it isn't emotional abuse if it is unintentional?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Dottorel, it doesn't matter whether it's intentional or not, the effect is the same. If this is a case of him not being fully in control of his behaviour (instant check, by the way - is he being horrible to people outside the family? If so then he has a genine problem, if not then he is choosing to behave badly to you and the DC) then he needs to get some help, and if he won't get help then you need to get him out of the house or at least threaten to throw him out until he does/. Because you and your DC deserve a safe home, one without an unpredictable, aggressive knobber in it.

[dotterel]

i think the not-being-proactive thing is really getting to me. he's like that with everything. for example toothache - he will whinge and moan for months before actually going to dentist. So you can imagine what it's going to be like, getting him to seek any sort of help.
wHEREAas I am very proactive.

[dotterel]

I mean, I have some experience with depression both with my family and in my work life and I know mostly what to do to stop myself slipping down. But he will not take on board anythign I suggest to deal with his low moods. Ie: no excersise, no cutting down on alcohol/caffeine, no hobbies (he says he can't think of anyhting.) no counting of blessings, no small achievable personal rewards or treats, nothing!

[frostyfingers]

Was it his choice to give up smoking? Possibly if the initiative came from you, he's not ready just yet. My DH has just given up for the 2nd time (he gave up 3 years ago for about 6 months), and is finding it much harder this time.

He's been given nicotine replacement stuff but has decided to go cold turkey and is struggling. However, it is entirely his choice, I've never said "you must give up" as I know that the more people tell you to do something the less you want to do it". I was overweight up until 3 years ago and decided for myself to go on a diet - and because it was my decision I stuck to it. For years some family and other people had said to go on a diet and I refused because I didn't like being told what to do.

My DH is getting help from the GP, and they seem very kind and understanding and not at all preachy. If you can persuade your DH to go, it might help him understand that he's not alone in feeling awful. He's also putting the money normally spent on fags in a jar, and counting that up every day - it's to go on an as yet undecided treat for him and seems to be a good incentive.

Good luck to you both, it's a vile time, and I hope you can find a way through it - try and hang in there....

[Anniegetyourgun]

Hah, on that Discussion of the Day about the pregnancy smoking test, a couple of posters stated categorically that "giving up smoking is easy" and that people only find it difficult because they're told to expect it to be difficult. Suggests to me that either they've never smoked, or they're the lucky few who do find it easy. I've never smoked (short enough of breath without any help thank you, and too mean to afford it), but I know people whose willpower in normal situations I respect who found it tremendously hard to give up the filthy weed.

That said, aren't the OP's H's withdrawal symptoms quite extreme? Or not?

[dotterel]

no, it was his decision to stop. He did some lozenges and then switched to some odd virtual cig thing which he says helps.

there is so much going on here, can't separate it out really. I don't think this can be soley giving up fags, surely?

Having day from hell at work which is shaping up to be week from hell; had to take one child to GPs this morning, have dropped him off with a friend and have to take him for an x-ray later when i finish work, while trying to sort out fater school arrangements for ds2....all the while tip-toeing round his Lordship, trying not to cause him any further stress.
then school rings me - at work! - to talk about ds1's learning difficulties...

[frostyfingers]

It never rains but it pours sometimes. I had a nice quiet week last week, but now all hell has let loose on several different fronts and I'm juggling and dropping balls all over the shop.

Perhaps you might be able to find the time to have a proper talk with him and get him to tell you what is wrong - easy to say, but there's nothing worse than something festering away.

[dotterel]

ha, yy to juggling and balls dropping....

I had to sleep on the floor last night as he was spreadeagled over the bed and I couldn't budge him, so i am rather knackered, to add to the challenges.
Just keep swimmin', swimmin', swimming'....

[mumblechum]

I know it isn't going to be easy, but I think you need to say in very blunt language that his behaviour is not acceptable and that you've made an appointment for the GP on an evening this week and that you're going along as well.

As for sleeping on the floor - I'd have rolled him the hell over to the side.

Hope you do manage to make some headway with him.

[dotterel]

I know it sounds mad, but you should seen him last night - he's a big bloke, and when he is alseelp, it is like he is dead! I'm not ususally that pathetic, but he had been asleep for 4 hours when I got up, there was no moving him. I'm making him sound such a catch, aren't I? . He is lovely, though, honest! (just not himself....)

[OrmRenewed]

A month isn't very long. DH is giving up atm and although he's a bit less snappy he is still moody and flies off the handle quite easily. I don't care. If it means he stops killing himself with fucking fags!

I'd wait to see if the aftershock fades.

[dotterel]

orm, thank you - that is very reassuring actually Good luck to your dh!

[OrmRenewed]

Thanks. Same to you. If he has always been like this to a lesser extent it would be reasonable to assume he was just being an arse. But it's worth waiting and seeing. Not that he shouldn't be told just how much he is upsetting everyone ....

[thumbwitch]

• UnlikelyAmazonian - do you think you can lend this poster your attention, please?
  
  
  Sorry Dotterel, I have no useful tips for you but I hope something sorts itself out soon. Sounds dreadful!

[jicm]

Go with your instinct.
Why has he stopped smoking?
Does he think he has the Big C?
Or, does he feel obliged to for money. In which case he will feel very resentful of that. Either way, no matter how bad he is feeling inside does not give him any excuse to treat the loved ones around him in this way. And, why does he treat you this way? because he can. Tell him how proud you are of him for giving up but you do have to make a stand tell him how you feel, what changes you expect from him and what the consequences will be if he doesn't. Just remember that what ever you do decide to do, you are setting an example for your child. You are both the roll models for adult life.

[FolornHope]

I think he is having an affair tbh.