dh stinking of booze, denies having drunk, I think he's lying, what do I do? (had affair 3 yrs ago...)

[cuppa]

Dh been working late. Last night got in at midnight, night before working at home till midnight. Yesterday away on business.

Got in actually earlier than planned, which was most unusual & lovely surprise - got earlier flight.

Anyway, we're talking and I get whiff of booze (stale, like he's had a big piss up and it's starting to sweat out of pores iyswim) I don't think and just say something like 'how much have you been drinking'. He insists just had a couple.

Later in bed I've had time to think and am sure that smell results only from having drunk quite heavily say the night before. I ask him directly if he's been drinking. He gets really defensive & denies it completely. He falls asleep & now basically whole room smells of sweated out stale booze so I am really sure, but dreading what it might mean

If he has been on a bender, then he wasn't working late & was lying to me - lots of bad memories of affair come flooding back. But yesterday he had his car at work, so would've meant he drove back pissed, which I find v. hard to believe. Or would he be smelling that much tonight if he'd been drinking heavily today?

So how do I handle it? DO I just let it go? DO I insist he has obv. been drinking - room stinks? I can't access his mobile? Feels sick tbh

[BitOfFun]

It's hardly conclusive proof of anything, tbh.

Can you be specific about the timeline here, because I'm confused?

There have been no flights anywhere all day.

[cuppa]

ok tuesday night working from home from about 8.30 till midnight.

wednesday night didn't get in till midnight. I'd already gone to bed.

Thursday up and out by 6 am away for day on busines. Had told me would be in about 11, actually got in at 8 (great). but really stinking of booze, to the point the whole bedroom is stunk out. So either on Wednesday night he was out getting mega pissed or He was yesterday?

Or is there some other way a bady can swaet out stale booze without having got hammered? Would love someone to tell me there is some other explanation.

Am totally terrified he's having another affair
Am sure he's lying. He knows I didn't believe him - started shouting.

[BitOfFun]

If you live in the UK and he was due in on a flight, then for the first time in British aviation history, he did not arrive on an aeroplane. Have you not seen the news about the Icelandic earthquake? Airspace in Europe is on shut-down.

[cuppa]

Not in uk and think flights here ok - airport website seems to indicate yesterdays flights as normal

[cuppa]

bottom line is, room stinky like he's had BIG session. He denies it. And only time he could have had said drinking session was while he was supposed to be at work.

I have had a few concerns recently - seeming to stay downstairs deliberately long to avoid coming to bed with me, working late so much and so stressed - though this could genuinely be work - but there's no way of knowing.

[thesunshinesbrightly]

So,if you don't live in the UK,where do you live?

[cuppa]

rather not say as nc and don't want to reveal and would make it obv. Amybe not to you. am not a world famous sleb or anything, just you know, not that many mners live here .

wwyd - I think as it stands i might feel and let it go. My concern are the pervious affair and all the lies I had then, and he must be lying now. He really stinks yet insists he had only 2 beers (which he drank while I was with him). This is the small of beer from a bender a few hours before/the night before. He must have been drinking. But he says not. so was he not at work? How much is he lying to me?

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

cuppa, I can't think of any other explanation. And I just did a quick search of your posts (because I was curious where you were too, not that it matters) and you and your husband have had quite a few problems, haven't you? Last year you were arguing a lot, you have seemed unhappy with being a SAHP for ages, there's the affair.

So I guess I'm saying, even without speculating as to the cause of the alcohol thing, it sounds like you two need to talk generally. Even if it's 'innocent' - he wasn't with another woman but he went out for a few drinks after work with some mates and didn't want to tell you - I don't think it's on, knowing that you feel isolated and lonely and he has a more fun life than you.

[thesunshinesbrightly]

What is the problem if he has been drinking? if you kick off like this i'm not suprised the poor bloke think's he has to lie to you.

Why don't you phone his boss?

If you think your DH is so much of a liar, why can you not just trust him and stop nagging him.

[cuppa]

bit harsh sunshine. I'm not nagging him and don't mind if he's had a drink.

My issue is he came in and I was quite overwhelmed by the smell of stale booze on him. Yet he says he hadn't been drinking at all (other thatn the 2 he drank while sat with me). If he'd said yes, I had 10 pints on the flight home I would've been fine with it. His business. But he said he'd had none which must be a blatant lie considering how much he stinks.

And 3 years ago he had an affair and lied and deceived me really really terribly and so now I feel very worried that he has so blatantly lied to me tonight and am wondering when and were he had this quite clearly big drinking session, becasue not only is he lying about having drunk, he is presumably also then lying about where he's been, as he's told me he's been working till midnight, then flying out on business at 6 the next morning, full on meetings all day, arriving back home at 8 pm.

I repeat, if he'd said, yes I got right pissed up after a hard day at work I genuinely wouldn't have minded, especisally as he'd even come in 3 hours before he said he would (extremely unusual to the point of being unheard of) so it's not like he went out on the piss and rolled up late. I had no reason to be annoyed with him having had a drink. So he had no reason to lie to me if it was an innocent drink. But he has lied. So I am worried why he's lying, and what exactly he lying about.

And asking advice on how I proceed, cos when I raised it with him he denied it and got very loud angry and shouty.

[thesunshinesbrightly]

Yes i apologise, i didn't now the rest of the story.

Is it the same pattern as last time, when he had the affair?

[ItsGraceAgain]

Cuppa, I have to say the signs aren't brilliant. You've got the unusual behaviours, the stress and the kicking off when you ask a reasonable question. ... You're asking how to proceed or, more likely, trying to think it through for yourself. I'm afraid the real question is not "how can I catch him if he's up to something?" but "am I more or less ready to end this marriage?"

Just pointing out what you already know ...

I haven't read your other threads but I get the impression you're not very happy, though perhaps not packing your bags just yet. So what outcome do you want?

Hope I don't seem to be nagging, I'm tired.

[cuppa]

well, some concerns like the coming to bed late, constantly working late, I have no way of knowing where he really is, only have his word for it, and I can't forget how much he lied to me before.

But mostly I think (hope) it's ok. I have never really got over the affair though, and when he's working late I worry if he really is working, or who's there with him....

So when he's blatanly lied last night it's set of major alarm bells. To some it might be a total over reaction. But like I said he had no reason to lie to me. I don't think he has a drink problem and I've never had a go at him about his drinking. So why has he lied to me??

So in the morning - what do I do?

[cuppa]

grace, i fear you're right, but it couldn't be a worse time it really couldn't.

do i just leave it in the morning? What do I do. Also exhausted, up all night.

[thesunshinesbrightly]

I understand why you don't trust him, but how do you both get on normally, ok?

Have you spoke to him about the affair? why he done it? not there is any excuse for it.

[cuppa]

been getting on well recently.

affair - fell for woman at work. flirting a while followed by 6 month affair.

He has mentioned 1 particular colleague a few times recently. I have spoken to him candidly (friendly and loving not arguing or telling off) warning him how getting too friendly can lead down a certain path and just to be aware things don't get allowed to develop and he's reassured me there's def. nothing going on and nothing to worry about.

But how can I be sure?
and why has he lied?
and what do i do about it?
Do I just not mention it in the morning and let it drop? Or do I make it clear i'm not a fool and let him know I know he's lied and demand explanation - why he's lied and what he's lying about?

thanks for listening btw

[ItsGraceAgain]

OK, I really don't think you should jump on it first thing in the morning because you're tired and upset. As you're getting on well, can you grab a chance to sit down with him in a relaxed setting tomorrow to ask again & say that you're feeling insecure/worried? Hopefully you'll get your mind settled, which seems what you're aiming for. It is understandable that you're nervy, you need him to bear with you on that ...

Really sorry, but I had to stay up all night working & now my brain and fingers are seizing up! Good luck tomorrow, let us know how it goes

[cuppa]

I'll try not to say anything then. But if I say I am worried, he always say I've got nothing to worry about, he'll never do anything like that again, nothing's going on etc etc, but I have only his words (which in the past I was totally shocked at the extent he lied and deceived me) SO I have no real way of knowing for sure. TBH his words don't reassure me. He proved himself to be an astonishingly good liar. I only have his word for it when he leaves the house everyday, and comes home (often very late). And last night he was clearly lying.

ok i will bite my tongue, but I won't get the reassurance I need.

[cuppa]

ok, talked (so much for biting tongue ) he insists he hadn't drunk any more than he told me and didn't go anywhere other than where he said. He showed my his blackberry showing sending emails at 23.45 on the night he was working till midnight, so clearly he was working. He showed me his flight booking for yesterday and documents pertaining to his meeting (inc yetserdays date) so while I'm still strugglong I guess I have to believe him.

Have said we need to work together to improve trust. don't know what strategies I can implement. Still feel tormented 3 years on 3 years. Seems incredible. I still think of the affair on a daily basis even 3 years later.

[AnyFucker]

Cuppa...you do realise there is no law that says you have to stay with a husband who has cheated and destroyed your trust in him, don't you ?

And don't think that just because it's been 3 years you should have "got over it"

You clearly haven't and he is doing a very poor job of making you feel secure

You still have choices, even without incontrovertible proof he is up to his old tricks

[cuppa]

I know Af.

I don't think I'll every fully get over the affair tbh.

But, I love him, I know he loves me, we love our kids, I want us to be together, when the stresses of work and young family aren't dragging us down, we have fun together. I like him. He is a real rock. Just a shame he fucked up astronomically 3 years ago.

If he was a tosser, if I didn't like him or love him I would rethink, but right now splitting isn't the right thing to do.

But developing trust is necessary and just hasn't happened.

[overmydeadbody]

Perhaps some councelling would help you to move on from the affair and put it behind you? It must be awful to be plagued by that daily for three years


You must be a very strong woman, I couldn't stay with a man who had cheated on me.

[AnyFucker]

Trust would be necessary for me to function properly on a daily basis, tbh

I think you are shortchanging yourself

[cuppa]

I'm not having trust problems on a daily basis but something will remind me of the affair on a daily basis, I'll read someone on here going through the same thing and it'll bring it all back, I'll see a woman in the street who reminds me of OW etc etc.

But i/we do need to find a way to develop the trust. Problem is, his work is extreme atm - till midnight, so I'm wondering is he really there, who is there, what if a spark comes up again w a colleague, after all, he's there significantly more than he is here.

[catwalker]

cuppa - maybe as he had the affair it's not just about how you can recover your trust, but what he can do to help you recover it. Have you made him understand how you are struggling with trust and asked him if he can think what he can do to help you?

It's about 2 months since I found out about my husband's affair. Trust is an issue for me - not so much about whether I can trust him not to stray again, but trusting whether I can have faith in how much he says he loves me, and has always loved me, when he has caused me so much pain. However, in case I am worried about whether or not he is back in touch with the ow, or in case I think he might start seeing someone else, dh is going out of his way to tell me where he is and who with all the time. He's been printing off a daily schedule of his meetings and leaving it with me on a morning, ringing/texting me regularly through the day to say where he is and who with, doing every thing he can to try to make me feel good about myself/attractive/desirable/loved etc etc.I don't feel the need to monitor his movements, but he is so keen to rebuild trust he is doing everything he can think of to help with this.

So, could you turn it around and ask your dh how he can help you have trust in him again?