Am seriously peed off with my mum...advice needed please

[Ingles2]

I'm being totally unreasonable I know...but I'm really resentful inside and I just can't be bothered to speak to her atm.
Basically, for the last few years my parents have talked about moving abroad.
As my dad has never lived anywhere else and quite frankly isn't a particularly sociable or adventurous person I always thought this was pie in the sky.
We however live in the country,3 hours away from them, but commutable to London where we have our own business.
We never visited my parents as they lived in a small, pristine, flat and with my 2 boisterous boys and menagerie of animals it was easier for them to come to us a couple a times a year,...but she always made it clear how cold and muddy the country was etc etc...
Fast forward to this year and my mum was made redundant after 20 years in a job where she was extremely successful and popular... She has always made it clear that she lived for "her boys" (my ds's) and her friends.
This last 18 months has been really really tough for us and our work,...we barely kept our heads above water, the AP had to go, all sorts of cut backs, but for the last 6 months things have picked up, to the extent that I'm now really busy, trying to juggle work, the kids, living in the middle of nowhere with a husband I only see 2 a week as we crossover on the London trips
and I also have the responsibility of my very elderly Pil's who visit every weekend .
So last week my parents moved...to France. To a farm in the middle of nowhere.
I am gutted that now they have time on their hands and are young that they didn't make the decision to move near us and help.
TBh if it was just my mum, maybe she would have...my dad has absolutely no interest in us or the boys.
They could have still had the country life here though and new adventure..
. I'm trying hard to appreciate that she's not obligated to help us, she's got her own life to do what she wants, but I just don't get it really.
If my boys needed help, I would be there like a shot!
Her facebook page is full of drinking wine in France and planting the veg garden with comments from her friends about how lovely she is and generous and kind..
and I'm here on the verge of a nervous breakdown..
I could happily not talk to her again...
How can I get over this?

[Ingles2]

Is it that long and boring that no-one can be bothered to read it and reply?

[EricNorthmansmistress]

She doesn't like the country
They had this plan for ages
They are entitled to spend their retirement wherever they like
GPs aren't required to become unpaid aupairs on retirement
Fucking hell, you sound spoilt and entitled. Get over it, hire some help and stop whinging. It is NOT your mother's job to move somewhere she hates just to provide unpaid childcare for you. Fucking hell!

[CelticStarlight]

I can understand you being upset but, really, freedom works both ways. I'm sure you mum loves you and your children very much but she isn't obligated to look after you all any more than you are obligated to move near her and look after her.

She's brought you up and she's worked as well so I think you need to cut her some slack and accept that she has every right to her own life. I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear but you're an adult and - as tough as it can be - that means standing on your own two feet and being responsible for your own family unit.

I'm glad things are better for you now and wish you all the best for the future.

[EricNorthmansmistress]

Do you know what? My mind is boggling trying to understand you. Recently my mum quit her (live in) job and she and dad have moved to devon. Now she loves DS and so does dad. But not in a fucking million, billion years would I expect them to have moved near me to look after him. I am a grown up

[llareggub]

Well, as you know, you are being unreasonable but I can understand exactly where you are coming from. Your head is telling you that you are bring unreasonable but your heart is probably struggling to cope with the unfairness of it all.

It is a tough one. You mention your father not being interested and I wonder if your anger is misplaced. Should you not be angrier with him for not caring? Do you pretend to cope whilst underneath it all struggle? Do your parents know how hard it is has been for you?

[cakeywakey]

As you know, YABU. Be grateful that your parents are still young, have time on their hands and are able to enjoy their life. Surely we should all want this for our parents?

You will have to get over this as it's not going to change. It will be much better to get to a point where you think 'good for them' and can start planning a lovely trip over to see them. What a wonderful opportunity for your boys to have extended breaks with their GPs in France.

You have made your choices to live as you do, and they have made theirs. Let it go

[Ingles2]

I know...I'm sorry it was a long and rambling post. I was trying to fit everything so I didn't do a stealth reveal and I'm quite upset.
I know I'm being unreasonable..
and yes you're totally right llareggub...I'm the strong capable one who never needs any help...my vunerable brother has had plenty of practical help, but then he never moved away...
the truth is... I can't cope with it all at the moment. So what do I drop? my job? the kids? my pil's? my mum pays lip service to how hard my life is. quite regularly, but then doesn't offer to help.
and now she can't anyway...
My real question is how do I got over this feeling because I know I'm unreasonable, and I know I'm adult who has to cope..

[Ingles2]

will be back shortly.. ds2 needs to play how to train your dragon or something

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

You know YABU.

You and your DH are adults. Think about your life in the future. When your children are grown up, married with children of their own. When you are finally retired, with enough money (hopefully) to choose what you want to do.

What do you think of?

I think that yes, I would want to see my family as much as possible, but by the time I have genuine freedom for the first time in my life, I would get to do what I wanted, at leisure, if that be planting veg in France, so be it. I would not want to spend it sorting your life out, being free childcare.

It does not mean that they do not care, but you have to sort this out yourselves.

You get over the feeling by just accepting that they ANBU. Be happy for them by thinking about how long they have been looking forward to this time in their lives, think about how hard they have worked throughout their lives. Work very very hard at being happy for them, and focus on what this means for them, not what it means for you.

[Portoeufino]

YABU to EXPECT help with anything. You have your life, they have theirs. Any helping hands along the way is of course a bonus.

[UnrequitedSkink]

I can kind of see it from both points of view - you are being unreasonable expecting them to spend their hard-earned retirement helping you, but on an emotional level it's hard to get over the hurt of being 'abandoned' (and we all carry that simplistic inner child who views it in those terms.)

If you are the 'strong, capable one' then maybe your mum can't see that you sometimes need help - maybe you should spell it out more clearly? What you call her paying lip service could be her way of showing how proud she is of you and all the balls you're juggling. Have you discussed the possibility of her taking your boys for a few days over the holidays? She might be absolutely delighted that you're asking for help...

[fishingboat]

Ericnorthmansmistress all though i agreed with what you are saying I really don't think there is need for the bad language, after all you are a grown up!!
Ingles2 I have no family support my family live 350miles away from us (my choice) but since my 2 girls have come along I do wish we were closer for the extra support, as much as I understand how you feel it's your choice to live and work where you do and your parents have the right to choose where they want to be.

[UnrequitedSkink]

By the way - my parents are due to retire in the next few years and are currently looking at places in France to retire to. I hadn't really thought about it from your POV - that it would be nice if they decided to retire in the UK nearer to me (probably because my life doesn't sound as stressful as yours, and I don't have my own business). Looking at the details of the houses they're considering, all I can see is a FAR better climate than we have here (allowing them to spend their retirement NOT huddled indoors), beautiful countryside, a lot more property for your money, and cheap holidays for meeeee! Maybe you need to get a different perspective on why they've gone tto France??

[Ingles2]

you're right, you're all right...
but I can't help think about how much my parents had from theirs...I spent every weekend with my grandparents so my parents could go out.
Dh and I haven't been out for 18 months.
and then I'm peed off because I have my Pil's as well. they're mid 80's, not in great health. Haven't seen dh's bro's and sister in months. no sign of them helping there...
So how come I get to carry it all alone?
and I have never expected help,..ever...I've never asked for help.
It would have been nice for someone in my family to offer..that's all.

[animula]

Ingles2, do you have to be the adult who copes? Could you tell your dh that it's all a bit much, and maybe cut back on something? Eg. Seeing the pil quite so much.

Your family life does sound hard atm. And the money stuff must be a big pressure.

In the long run, it will be fine. My pil live in Europe, one for a lot of the year, one for pretty much all of it. It has its advantages, especially as the dc grow up. Lots of holidays. And they increasingly talk about us sending the dc over, without us!! Though I'm not ready for that yet!

It must be a shock. I suspect my dh sometimes feels a little abandoned, even now. Even though it is irrational.

My parents live in England, but not close. Though they are helping massively atm with holidays. Mind you, that wasn't the case when the dc were small (though that was my choice, too).

They do love you. (Trite thing to say, but they do.) And they must know you're finding it tough. I'm guessing your mum in particular has been longing to do this for years. And it's wonderful she's doing it. Imagine the guilt if she was sitting at your kitchen table, ten years hence, weeping that she had lost her life's horizons in some dream of subservience to her dc. You'd hate that. And it would make your heart shrink with fear at the prospect of your own future.

On the plus side, your parents clearly look at you, and see a woman who can deal with stuff, and that they've raised to be strong and independent, and capable of loving and raising her own dc.

Which, clearly, can have its downsides but ... at the same time, is a compliment.

[LisaD1]

I WISH my parents would bugger off abroad! As it is they live 40mins away from me and my beautiful dd's and yet they have seen my youngest (2yr old) 3 times in her entire life! They're too busy with my sister and her kids to give a toss about my dd's or my brother's ds's

At least if they lived abroad there would be an excuse!

You already know yabu and that your parents have the right to do what they want with their lives, all you can do is live yours the way you want to and be the best mum you can.

[TheMightyMarge]

OP - I understand your feelings as well! My husband´s family is always helping their kids and putting them first (within reason), and TBH it breeds goodwill the other way around. My MIL for instance will come over and stay 1-3 times a year, help and insist on us going out - but that makes us want to stay in most of the nights (we do go out when she´s here, but certainly not every night), cooking for her, taking her places and just talking, spending time. Whereas my parents are very much focused on what they want from life - including that they want US to come to this and that family reunion etc, and when we say, well, we could but since we are coming over with expensive tickets (live in another country), maybe we could stay in your rented house and that´s not met with approval. I often end up thinking WTF, you want to see your grand kids or not! I think generosity breeds generosity and meanness/ selfishness breeds the same.....
I NEVER think that my parents SHOULD do x, y and z, but I know that I would feel very grateful and available if they made me aware that I mattered to them on the same level. I don´t want to take take take, but also not give give give. That´s quite human, isn´t it?

[Pancakeflipper]

I wish we had family to offer just a little help. I know it's hard but it's their life ( move to theirs for the school hols).

I think you need to look at your life and the stresses and see what you can do to ease it up for your own family unit.

[animula]

Just read your last post.

I'm jealous of your parents now! I want weekend childcare to go out!

I always try to think about how close I am to my dc. And how it's helped me develop ... erm ... efficiency. Or something. And there are a lot of us in the same boat, if that helps at all ... .

[Alouiseg]

Because you recognise that you are being unreasonable you need to take serious stock of your life. You sound very stressed and juggling everything isn't going to make anything work. Something has to give.

Please speak to your dh and drop the schedule a bit, i agree that the first things to be taken off your plate are the il's. It's not fair that you should be lumbered with them on top of everything else.

[GoingPostal]

I know it's not ideal from your pov and can see why it would hurt emotionally though rationally you know it's up to them what they do. You just have to a) get the best out of the situation and b) look at what you can scale back on in your own life.

So I think you need to speak to your dh about kicking his side of the family into shape and getting them to help out with your PiLs for a start.

If your mum has been clear about living for "her boys" (your dses) then look forward to the time when you can send them off to spend a week or two in France with her for some lovely holidays. In the meantime make sure you visit them for holidays yourselves - now it is your chance to have that bit of time off, cheap holidays etc, having always been the hosts. Their turn for hosting surely?

[Ingles2]

Thankyou everyone... I does help that you understand where I'm coming from.
Very weirdly my Sil has just rung... perhaps she's a MN.
Anyway, she asked if I thought her mother had dementia...answer being yes...she's 86.
Long and short of the convo was she thinks we should start considering care homes. I'm not sure I can do that but makes me feel a bit better that there are options.

[unavailable]

OP, you say you "never visited your parents as it was easier for them to come to you" but are now upset and hurt that they have moved abroad.

Who decided it was easier? Who decided they should only come "a couple of times a year"?

Why have you gone from being happy with this limited contact to expecting them to move near to you to help out?