how to leave an emtionally abusive man when you just can't take any more stress?.

[Lilia87]

Hello again.

I had a thread on here last week about my OH

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/930847-DP-leaving-then-not-leaving-how-to-take-back- control

Well after a stressful week with events too frequent and insane to imagine, I'm throwing him out TODAY.

Here's the jist of it -

Fri night he text me at work asking for money for his friend to get a taxi to ours to keep him company (!) I text back saying that is beyond rude, you NEVER text me to ask how i'm getting on at work , just cs you want something and i hate it. He text back "Are you giving me money or not?" When I came in from work at 9pm and challenged im he said "I just want freedom, I yearn for freedom" I said you have all the freedom you want then and went into living room. I heard his freind telling him he was out of order to say that etc.

Next morning he woke up hungover and I asked him to leave. He went right up into my face angrily shouting "I HATE YOU!!!" whillst I was holding youngest DC and within earshot of my DD (4). Then more nasty things (I can't remember, was in shock). Told me he was saying at his mums and not to bother asking her to look after DC's as usual on a Saturday for my work as he would "tell" her not to! .

Next day his mum called to ask why I didn't get back to her about my overtime (she was going to be watching LO's). I told her what he had said. Apparently he wasn't there, had stormed out of her house telling her she wouldn't see her grandchild again and hadn't been back all night. Turned his phone off.She got taxis to friend's addresses that afternoon to try and find him. Finally found him and he told her he would "come back when I'm ready and I won't beg" WTF????

Anyway she threw him out that night and he came to mine in the rain last night so I let him in on the premise of only for a couple of days until he sorts out somewhere to stay ie-his friends.

I was feeling very ill this morning and was sick so asked him to get off the couch at 9am when I'd been up an hour and feed DS as the baby food smell was making me sick.

He said "Are you incapable or something??" . Told him his behaviour is disgusting beyond belief.
Then in the kitchen he said "I hope you're not pregnant again. You'd better go to the doctor to find out. We both don't want another screaming one like that do we? You'll need to get rid of it" .

I admit at this i was engraged and started screaming at him to get out right now.

He then shouted "You don't even want your own children! I'll take my son and you can see him at weekends if I decide"
"Look at your daughter - you don't even love her! You don't even love your own daughter!" He was smiling, it was very scary.
I'm not sure if she heard. He was in the kitchen and she was eating breakfast in the living room. I'll never forgive myself if she did. My poor DD.

This was the point I went for his eyes with my hands, I'm ashamed to admit but I was enraged and had kept relatively cool and quiet until then cause of the DC.

Then he all of a sudden started crying and begging, saying he doesn't want tolose us etc.

It's over for me. I know that now without a doubt. When he said that in front of DD I knew, even before I knew.

He had the cheek to say (all sorry for himself) "Do you not want me anymore?" "I'll leave you for a few days to give you space then like you want"(excuse me, I want you out of my life forever. I just feel nothing for him anymore but hate - like that 'the moment you knew it was over' thread).

I'm sorry for the length of this post, and please don't go for me, I'm still in shock. I go into shock when he says nasty things and freeze.

I need advice to stop myself getting conned into letting him back in (told you i wouln't put him on the lease AF! deep down i always knew it would come to this - it has taken over a year to gradually get to this). How do I remain strong? What do i say to him?

I don't have any money to change the locks until at least Thursday (payday), but there is a bolt on the door so he couldn't get in if I was. But he could if I go out.

I want him to leave without fuss and more arguing. I cannot take any more. I really can't. I have had numerous panic attacks the past few days because of him. Please help me and advise me what to say to him if he comes back to keep him away and make it clear it's over and not to come back, but without making him kick off.

[Lilia87]

sorry screwed up the link. x. It's on page 4/5 i think

[thesunshinesbrightly]

If that was me, i would take my children and leave as soon as possible, im not sure throwing him out is a good idea he doesnt sound very stable,is there anyone you can stop with?

Im sure someone will come along and give you some advice on what to do.

[WhoIsAsking]

Good Lord.

I haven't read your other thread, but he sounds awful.

Um, I haven't got any good advice WRT keeping him out of the house, maybe try Women's Aid for some help and advice on that front? I'm sure some wonderful MNer will be along soon with some practical help.

As to not letting him con his way back in? It sounds to me as though you have reached your breaking point. This is a hard point to get to, but in a way it's also a positive place to be, You have HAD ENOUGH. Just keep reminding yourself of this fact.

[mrsmharket]

control your link sweetheart

oh crikey bab am so sorry for you

right the first thing you need to do is contact women's aid and tell them everythign, use a friend's phone if you feel safer that way.

start getting an 'emergency pack' together and leave it at a -trusted friend's house; this shoudl include thigns like bank details, passports, money and changes of clothing, couple of toys for dc - this is only just in case you need to leave the house quickly. i'm not saying you definitely will, only that you might and then it's there if you need it.

and if you need to go back into the house you can ask for police escort to get your things if he stops getting back in.

forgive me for asking but do you rent/pay mortgage? are both names on rent book./ mortgage payment stuff? if it's just yours, it will be easier, legally, to get him to leave.

if he leaves, don't keep letting him back in becasue he's just using you as an emotional punchbag and doormat.

i'm sorry ican't type anymore at the moment but please remember that you are not alone, you cna get through this and most importantly, there are people who can help you - not just on here but in rl too.

i was in your situation (tho have only on e child -one dd) for nearly 4 years all told but i have been 'free' for nearly twno and half years now and i feel so much better, dd i shappier and more settled (until her dad misses access but that's another story) and i know i made the right decision.

you CAN do this

[mrsmharket]

(Sorry about link )

control your link again

[pinkstuff]

Ok well if he has agreed to leave to give you space, pretend thats what you want to get him out and then change locks and don't let him onto house. He will be awful but he will get message. do not do this alone tell friends/family what you are doing and if he harrasess you get advice from police and womens aid asap. if he is not on lease he has no rights to be at your house.

[mrsmharket]

happened again - i don't know why it had control on it

'... you can ask for police escort to get your things if he stops getting back in ...'
it shoudl've read if he tries to stop you getting back in sorry good luck sweetehart, there are plenty on mn who have been in situations like this and will be there to help and support you, as will i (although i use the library computers so i might not be bale topost too often but i am thinking of you and i will try and help xxx

[Lilia87]

I have most definately HAD ENOUGH. It has got to the stage his own mother was crying, saying if I was her daughter she would tell me to leave him. And saying to me "please don't put up with that" I think she has put up with it for years.

I can't leave as I don't have anywhere to go. I was in 4 different homeless accommodations with my DD as a baby before I got this house, so don't want to go back into that. I want to keep my house if at all possible.

[cheerfulvicky]

The problem is not him getting into your house: it's him getting into your head. He's still in your head, and as a result he still has power over you.

What you need to do is build a wall in your head you he can't hurt you with his words and threats and behaviour. The way you do this is by arming yourself with as much support as possible. Tell everyone you care about what has happened and let them stand close by you and keep you strong. Get everything you are entitled to benefits-wise. Visit CAB and try and get a free initial appt with a solicitor just to reassure you what your rights are. YOU NEED TO KNOW YOUR RIGHTS. Because knowing as much as possible will make you strong inside. Why not ask a friend to house sit if you want to pop out in the day until you can change the locks, they can agree not to let anyone in and keep the door closed. Or perhaps there is someone who can lend you money to change the locks sooner?

I'm hoping you are the sole tenant with just your name on the deeds. If so, you can call the police if he tries to gain access to your home after you have told him he is no longer welcome there. I also second calling Women's aid as by all accounts they are a fount of wisdom on the subject of dealing with tossers like this. And I think if you are afraid you can call the local police station and make a mention of this, they will then give you an number to call if he tries anything and will be primed for trouble, as you have pre-warned them.

Stay angry, but stay calm and dignified too. Don't let him in your head. If he cries, pleads, shouts, bargains, threatens, just let it wash over you and off again. See him for what he is; a silly little man, a bully who is afraid, a coward. Pity him and don't give him any more of your mental energy. Concentrate on your DC's and how wonderful they are, how much you love them. All will be well

[Lilia87]

Yeah the lease is in my name, so I don't think he has any legal right to be here. Just exhausted and don't want the stress of him wanting back in.

I will get the bag together just in case, although I don't think it would get that far, but then i never thought he would do this, so heaven knows what he is capable of...

Thank You for all your advice.

Just had the gas man knock and jumped out of my skin. Turned out I'm 'only' owe them £1000 - even that is better than him coming back...

[mrsboogie]

Has he gone now? What you need to do is get him out of the house, tell him that no -one is happy the way things are and you need a break. As soon as you can, get the locks changed - I take it the property is in your name?

Phone Women's Aid - they can help you with emotional abuse.

Do you have anyone that you can get to come round to support you while you get him to come to your house and remove his belongings? Someone male who could give him a good kick up the arse out the door if he causes trouble would be best.

Once the locks are changed you need to tell him it is over. Tell him that all further contact must be between solicitors as you will not ever again allow your children or yourself to suffer his abuse.

Do not, ever again, let him over the threshold because you feel sorry for him because he has been chucked out of, or flounced from wherever he is staying, in a tantrum. Call the police if he tries to force his way in.

This man has problems. he is like a toddler who cannot control his tantrums.He is trying to put his problems onto you because he is weak and damaged and he hates himself and wants to deflect that hatred onto someone else.

The stuff about your children is him going for the jugular, the one thing that he knows will hurt you more than anything else. In doing so he is deliberately and willfully hurting his own children - permanently. Is this the man you and they deserve?

The man is a monster who will lash out and hurt those who are meant to be dearest to him, whom he is meant to protect with his life. Remember that, and remember that if someone from your work, or a friend treated you like that you would never give them the time of day again.

Stick to your guns, and after today I promise you your only regret will be that you didn't dump him sooner.

[ItsGraceAgain]

Dear god, what a nightmare! Yeah, I know that shouting-smiling-snarling thing. Ugh.

Phoning Women's Aid really is a good idea, Lilia. I think you will find it calming & empowering, just to talk to someone who knows.

Thinking of you - and his mum!

[Lilia87]

Thanks mrsboogie, The house is in my name yes. Thank God.

I don't have anyone male. I only have 2 best friends who live a couple of hours away in different directions. Their husbands may come though if I tell them what has been happening (i'm embarassed - feel like my life is a mess and should be more together). My family live even further away, mum dead, don't speak much to my dad. His mum is really the only reliable person i have , and she's just 5 mins away. She will support me but i think he controls her alot too, so a bit too close to home?
Going to give his stuff to her (in 'instalments' as neither of us can drive).

You are absolutely right in your analysis of his. I have though the same myself almost verbatim (sp?).

Don't know how to arrange for him to see DS? At his mums house with his mum there at all times? because that will be his next weapon to use against me - "you're trying to keep me away from my son" etc. Iam trying to protect his son from his dads behaviour, and I'm actually ashamed of myself i didn't do it sooner.

[Lilia87]

Thanks Grace x and it is 'snarling' exactly.

[Lemonylemon]

Lilia I totally understand that you're a complete bag of nerves at the moment, you poor thing....

If you can, to try to stop this man getting inside your head, imagine that you have a glass bell over you. He can say what he wants, but he can't hurt you.... It takes some practice, but you can get there.

As for the comments below taken from your post:

"He then shouted "You don't even want your own children! I'll take my son and you can see him at weekends if I decide"
"Look at your daughter - you don't even love her! You don't even love your own daughter!" He was smiling, it was very scary.
I'm not sure if she heard. He was in the kitchen and she was eating breakfast in the living room. I'll never forgive myself if she did. My poor DD."

What was all that about? Why would he have said that you don't love your daughter? The shame is on him for saying it, not on you.

[Lilia87]

What I meant was I will never forgive myself for not leaving him earlier and letting him in so he could shout that in front of my DD when I should have protected her. -wish there was a sadder-than-the-sad-emoticon-emoticon

I know I love her, and look after her well. I had PND when she was born pretty bad, before I met OH, and confided in him about that, for him to now throw it back it my face to try and hurt me with my insecurities.

I don't think he will again. Even when he was begging for forgivness etc, doing the "little boy lost" act i saw through it as just that - an act. He says he can't help it - but one of his so-called-best-friends speaks down to him in reality (he thinks i do but i don't) and he manages not to react to him, so why do me and his mum get it? Even though he says he has a problem and can fix it, it doesn't stop me being very doubtful he can fix a problem like that without a hell of a long time in therapy. And even if he did that (and i know he won't) then there's prob too much water under the bridge anyway.

[Lemonylemon]

Ah, sorry, I misunderstood that it. Well, I would advise the visualisation as I mentioned above. Just keep your fingers firmly crossed that your DD didn't hear.

As for him, well, he crossed one bridge too many with that comment and he also betrayed your trust in him about that too....

[WhoIsAsking]

Just one thing I've got to be stern about

"i'm embarassed - feel like my life is a mess and should be more together"

NO, uh-huh, no way. It's HIS shame, not yours. HE should be ashamed for being such an utter, utter bastard to you and the children. NOT YOU.

[Lilia87]

Thanks who is Asking, that made me smile

I do feel ashamed I have put up with him behaving badly for so long and teaching DD about adult relationships. Onwards and Upwards though....

I think I need to find more to fill my time to stop me getting lonely and giving in. I go to college one day a week, maybe i should try to speak more to the other students, go to playgroups, visit family (with strategic planning) etc even go places with his mum and the kids.

xxx

[Lilia87]

thanks dittany, i thought that too x

[mrsboogie]

you need some kind of plan for him seeing your DS (as long as you think he will be safe and won't turn nasty or do anything stupid like run off with him to spite you)

[WhoIsAsking]

Try and turn it on it's head. HE behaved badly, not you, you tried your absolute best. And so? It took you a little while to get to this point? So what? You have got here, and you will be better than ok, you will continue on and he will be the loser (which he already is)

Totally agree with finding yourself again (which is I think what you're trying to say?) Filling up your time is a very good idea. See? You can definitely manage without this deadweight.

[Lilia87]

Iam going to tell him he can see DS at his mums only with her there, and only to if he cannot keep contact with me strictly about the kids only, without manipulation by text or email only. If there is the slightest hint of manipulation, I will tell him it has to be through solicitor only (I have that with DD's dad and it doesn't work too well for DD so going to give him a chance first without the solicitor) i sure do pick them! maybe i need counselling myself?

[WhoIsAsking]

That sounds good. Have you called WA for advice yet?

As for the counselling, it certainly couldn't hurt Lilia. (I'm a great believer in therapy!)