I am seriously going to rip my DP's head off, utterly livid.

[sweetkitty]

I need to vent get this off my chest and I need to know what to do about it.

So DP goes away for work early Thursday morning 300 odd miles away for a conference so is staying overnight, fine. Phones me midday on Thurs to say he is just going for the flight, fine. Then absolutely no contact after that, Friday morning I send him a shirty e-mail about this, he sends a 2 line one back saying "yes you have a point, I feel asleep as soon as I got to the hotel will try and get an early plane home tonight will keep you updated"

Again nothing all day until 8pm last night when I got an e-mail to say his plane was delayed and he would be backe late. I sent one back saying as long as it has not been delayed in the pub and told him about the crap day I was having. Nothing again until 11pm last night when he e-mailed to say he was staying at a work colleagues where he works (he works about an hour away) and would be back at 8pm today to pick up with the kids. I got this at 3am this morning so went to bed not knowing when he would be back. As you can imagine I sent him one back saying that this was not good enough I did not believe he was actually at a friends and was he even on a conference I am starting to wonder.

So I have just had another e-mail saying "will be back closer to 10am not ready to run out the door just yet" WTF probably means I am still too drunk to drive.

I cannot believe him here comes the best bit, I am 33 weeks pregnant, have horrendous SSPD which means I can hardly walk or am doped up on cocodamol, I have a 5, 4, and 20 month old to look after as well. I had a MW appt on Thurs he hasn't even asked about and DD1 is having some trouble at school which has really upset me.

I really cannot believe he has done this and the e-mails, that's a complete cop out, have tried phoning him but he is not answering his phone and this "I am not ready to rush out the door" well I am not ready to care for the DDs for another day whilst he seans in when he feels ready.

Am completely livid with him. I know what will happen though he will be in the dog house for a few days then everything will just blowover until the next time he decides to be a twat.

If I weren't pregnant or just had the one DD I would bugger off and let him come home to an empty house and not tell him where we were but as I cannot walk anywhere right now that's out the question, I have absolutely no fmily support and very few friends so feel completely stuck.

Any ideas for payback?

So just had another e-mail from him

[traumaqueen]

Hmm - not sure 'payback' is really the grownup thing to do but can see your point.

Take a day off from the kids - he's had a nice little holiday, you deserve one too. Can you arrange to go out for the day and even night somewhere?

[NotQuiteCockney]

Are you clear with him about the fact you think he is lying? Does he have form with infidelity?

Is he often like this?

[Condensedmilkaddict]

Next time you speak to him tell him you are going out for the day as soon as he gets home. And go.
Go shopping, for a massage, to the movies...whatever. And do not take your kids. Leave them with him.

Surely you can find out if the conference is for real? You could call the hotel where it supposedly is?

[sweetkitty]

Not payback as such but something to make him realise how not on this is.

Wish I could take a day off from the kids but have nowhere to go really and with being pregnant and the SPD cannot walk far

I have never had any actual concrete proof he has been up to anything but he is a complete idiot when drinking and knows this himself so very rarely drinks these days. He will have a few drinks then so stupid things like fall asleep on a train or pass out at a mates (or so he says but I am inclined to agree it's more stupidity of passing out as he is so rubbish at drinking he passes out easily).

Not what you expect from a 35 year old nearly Dad of 4 though? And with these e-mails is he deliberately trying to wind me up?

[BelleDameSansMerci]

It's the emailing that gets me really... Texting would be bad enough. He's obviously covering his backside but it's probably just drinking and having fun with his colleagues.

Honestly, I'd be livid too. It's outrageous behaviour. I know it's childish but I would be looking for payback. I'd suggest he does all the childcare this weekend and all the cooking and all chores. I'd also not talk about it at all because that will make him really nervous but I'm manipulative like that. I'd also hide the car keys so he can't just piss off again.

[sweetkitty]

He went through this big thing a few weeks ago where they were having a team night out and he went but came home at 10pm sober as he didn't want to "risk it" with me being pregnant.

He does do 100% of chores and most things with the DDs when he is here just now, cannot fault him on that, I cannot do much with the SPD and he has been doing all of it even taking them out so I can go for a nap in ther afternoon.

I agree it's the e-mail/no contact thing that has really wound me up. He is such a coward I know he doesn't want to phone as he will get dogs abuse. So pathetic.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

I think it's a man thing... I used to have one just like this. He's DD's father and still behaves like this all the time but, obviously, it doesn't upset me as much now.

I honestly think that when they know they're going to be "told off" they do everything they can to avoid it and only confront it when it's unavoidable ie when he gets home. I think this is why they don't always tell us when they'll be late. They just are and then deal with the fall out at the time. It took me ages to train my exDP that I would be much more understanding if he called or texted the moment he knew he would be late rather than leaving it. Now he's ex he's reverted to natural state.

[templemaiden]

Is it possible he is actually telling the truth?

My OH works away sometimes and stays overnight and I don't expect constant phone call updates. He calls me usually for fifteen minutes to chat in the evening (while he is meant to be working) and would naturally let me know if he was going to be later than he thought - as your dh did, but other than that, no.

"he doesn't want to phone as he will get dogs abuse"

Well, there's your answer. No wonder he doesn't phone.

[Librashavinganotherbiscuit]

Hi SK sorry to hear you have SPD again. tbh the only really bad bit of his behaviour is that he won't answer his phone, I always think that if they are going to have 15 hours to re-live their youth they should at least have the decency to pick up their phone so you can vent at them for 2 minutes and what they don't seem to realise is if they put up with this 2 minute vent then you probably wouldn't be mad at them anyway.

The only thing I can suggest is what others have, the minute he walks in the door is say here you go sunshine hand over 3 children and go to the cinema (no walking required for SPD).

[sweetkitty]

What do you mean telling the truth, I do suspect his plane was late (was Easyjet) but he would have known that at about 5pm not 8pm he could have phoned then? Would it have been too much to expect him to then get the later flight and actually come home? Instead he has probably hit the pub and was in no fit state to drive and also this morning.

I don't expect constant phonecalls but one or two would have been nice over the course of 2 days to actually check his pregnant partner was OK.

He wouldn't get dogs abuse if he phoned in the first place then came home when he said he would.

[foxinsocks]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time but just on the face of your post, with no other details, I think you're being a bit harsh.

This is a man who does 100% of the chores when he's around, takes the children out so you can have a rest.

I agree with temple and I wonder whether you need to have a look at how you're treating him. The fact that he knows he's going to get huge abuse means he's not giving you the full picture. I'm sure it's a chicken and egg situation that led you to get where you are now though .

I suggest when he gets back that you have a sit down chat with him. If you have a good relationship otherwise, I'm sure you can iron things like this out .

[sweetkitty]

foxinsocks - do you honestly think I am being a bit harsh on him?

He goes away on business, tells me he will be back at 6pm Friday night, then doesn't call to say he has been delayed, leaves me until 3am in the morning to find out he is OK and at a friends and then emails to say he is not in a rush to get back!

I am 33 weeks pregnant with SPD and 3 other children to look after, I should be on crutches walking to the kitchen is hard work.

Not the first time he has went AWOL happens about 4 times a year.

[teaandcakeplease]

If it was me I'd call conference place and check one actually happened. But that's because his behaviour is identical to my dear husbands before I found out he'd been having an affair. I may even be tempted to call friend, cover it by inviting them to dinner or something but then I could subtly find out if he had stayed there...

But that doesn't mean your husband is remotely the same as mine.

Hope it isn't what I suspect and he's an absolute star when he does get home x

[templemaiden]

sweetkitty - you say you suspect he wasn't even at a convference. What do you think he was doing instead?

Ffrom your initial post:
He did keep you updated. He told you when he was leaving for his flight. He told you he would "try" to get an early flight back to you the next night after you sent him a shitty email about what I do not know.

Unfortunately it was delayed, which he informed you about.

You then sent him crap back.

He then told you about what he had done to sort it out, i.e. staying at a friend's house rather than kipping on the floor oif the airport and he told you when he expected to be back.

You sent him crap back accusing him of lying.

The only thing not satisfactorily explained iis why he was not ready to run out the door the next morning.

But as far as I can see he kept you informed at every stage of the proceedings.

If my OH treated me like this every time I had to stay away overnight I would be royally pissed off.

What exactly did you expect from him?

[sweetkitty]

tea and cake - am going to ask him for proof of the conference and his flight details and say I am going to phone the airline and check how late the plane was.

Even if he hasn't been up to anything he's a selfish wanker.

not ready to rush home, erm I am not ready to get up at 7am after 4 hours sleep to deal with 3 children in agony.

[foxinsocks]

thing is, from the sounds of it, he probably knew this would happen but didn't want to tell you because he knew how you'd react. It's happened before and you're both stuck in this pattern where he goes away and this happens.

What would you have done if he'd said he wouldn't come back till Saturday? I mean tbh, if he's got friends where this conference is, I don't think it's unreasonable that he stayed another night?

Do you ever get to go away? Do your own thing?

All I'm saying is that if he is supportive at all other times and your relationship is generally good, then it sounds like this is his letting his hair down/time to himself moment. Do you know what I mean?

I do understand how you feel but I think everyone needs a bit of space and perhaps you need to try and carve out some time for yourself too.

[templemaiden]

TBH if it were me, I would try to be the bigger person, make him a coffee and smile at him sweetly when he comes home. Ask if he had a good time and invite him to tell you all about it.

Synmpathise about his delayed flight and ask he if he a good time with his friends.

[Besom]

She expected him to phone her to see if she was OK and to make an effort to get back home on time given the fact that she is 33 weeks pregnant with spd.

My dh used to be like this but not for a couple of years now. He still goes out and gets rat arsed, but he comes home now. Yesterday he was out all day but phoned me twice to see how I was because I'm not that well at the moment.

If he had just texted me and then not come home, I certainly would have been pissed off.

I think you do have to be careful that you don't get into a mother/son kind of relationship with him where he feels he's never allowed to go out. But he also needs to take responsibility for his behaviour when drinking.

[skidoodly]

She has gone to bed two nights in a row having not heard from her partner and he hasn't phoned or answered his phone for two days.

He is only communicating with her by e-mail even though he was delayed overnight.

That might count as keeping someone informed if they are your boss, but most people would expect more from a partner.

[sweetkitty]

He wouldn't have wanted to go away for 2 nights though.

He was moaning about being away for the one said it was the very last time before the baby is born. He hasn't stayed at the conference but at a mates close to his work, he parked his car at work (it's about 5 mins from airport) flew down then back up to pick up his car and drove home. This mate wasn't at the conference I think so I don't know where he has come into it, he could have slept in the car or at work or anywhere really.

He was out last Friday and stayed sober and is due to go out this week to see a comedian so gets plenty of time to himself. I was invited out to a friends last night as well and probably would have went if he had been here.

I'm not going anywhere much just now as am so sore.

[Tillyscoutsmum]

I don't think you're being harsh. He sounds very similar to my DH - he is brilliant at home but has these blow outs occasionally when he transforms from a lovely attentive partner to a selfish prick. The last time he did it I was heavily pg with SPD as well

On the plus side, I think it probably makes us so sad and angry because its so different to how they normally are. Some men are just constant arses

The not phoning thing is cowardly. He knows you will be a upset with him and he just wants to avoid a guilt trip.

Is there any chance you could get some time out while he looks after the dc's ?. Go for a massage or have a girly night out/in with a friend. I found warm water really helped my SPD and went on a couple of spa days and used a jacuzzi/hot tub (I know you're not supposed to use them but going in up to waist height and staying in for short periods was fine). There are some really cheap ones on Last minute.

[foxinsocks]

SPD is horrible, I remember it well . I hope he comes back soon and you get to have a bit of a break.

If you are suspicious, I would try and find out where he was.

If he didn't want to go away for 2 nights, do you think it's a drink thing? Does he drink till he's comatose?

[farmerjones]

what is the end result you want? coz the way you are going, everyone is going to end up sorry. he was away at work and decidied to be immature, and take some time off. you are stressed at work, and takingit out on him. the end result here, is two very stressd out people takeing it out on each other, with both suffering in the long term, as well as short term.
so you have no family or friends around. get some. make some. do what you have to do to create an atmorphere in the home that is conducive to your own and your kids well being.

[farmerjones]

i know what i am talking about. when i was in a similar situation, i had a tummy ache, caused by stress as i now know, but didnt then. spoke to the midwife on duty at the hospital. was in tears. she understood exactly what i was going throuhg, and told me to come into the labour ward as an emergency. in reality, it was to give me a rest, but, it made my worse than useless dh and his family get off their backsides and do some childcare, not only for the three days i was in the hospital, but also for the next six weeks till i gave birth.

[JackBauer]

Is it at all possible you might be slightly overreacting?
DH is like this, when he is away I have to ring him. he went to visit his very ill mother recently and he doesn't call me all day even though he isn't particularly busy as he just doesn't think that I might fancy a chat, as far as he is concerned we can talk properly when he gets home so what's the point. He has been like this for years and it pisses me off but it's too late to expect different.
Also if he knows I am in a bad mood he won't call as all he will get is grief and we will then both be pissed off.

Yes it's annoying and it's pathetic and you are having a crappy time but maybe a little bit of persepctive would mean your whole weekend would not be ruined. Tell him why you are (rightly) pissed off but don't fester.