Mumsnet Talk

H left in September. End of October, I met on Match and started emailing someone and we went on a first date beginning of November. Had a second date, then didn't see him again till January. We didn't even kiss!

Since Jan have been seeing him regularly, once or twice a week. he is funny and generous, but I'm worried he might be a bit of a Player as, I dunno, he seems the type. Anyway, I've told him that I'm not the type to rush into bed and he said he was fine with that. We have done some Rude Business but not shagged.

My instinct is just not to bonk him yet. I don't know if he'll just run away the minute I do. Plus, he only came out of an engagement last summer, and I'm out of a 7-year marriage, so it feels a bit early.

We get on SO well, and it's all lighthearted and fun. I rarely ring him, but he texts me a lot, posts messages on my FB page, etc.

Two dates ago, he actually asked outright if we could have sex the next time we saw each other! I saod, "Probably not," and later cancelled that date, not fancying an evening of wrestling on the sofa. Next time I saw him, he suggested we had (for the next date) a sleepover at his (which I declined).

Ugh. I don't know what to do, except meet him only in public places. I've explained that I feel it's too soon still, but he is mentioning it a LOT now. For example, "I want you all the time," "You do now I'm crazy about you and really want to sleep with you, don't you?" and the worst - "You make me happy. Come back o my place and I'll show you eactly how happy you make me."

I realise this makes him sound like an utter tit but the rest of the dates are great -- really funny, complimentary, and he always pays.

Help! I'd like to keep seeing him, but I really want him to back-off on the constant shag-badgering. What do I do?

We've been out 15 times in total. There was rudeness on dates 10 and 11. Major rudeness. There has been no further rudeness as I have been trying to see him in the open air.

my dh knew when we met he'd have to wait until after we were married. he did. never complained. i think fair enough to ask but tell him you'll let him know when you are ready and appreciate it if he stopped bothering you about it. if he doesnt stop then he prob is worth moving on from. it is right when you feel it is right and not before. dont feel guilty. he should eb able to wait- if he is serious about you then he will wait.

Why the game playing? Presumably you're a mature adult so if you want to have sex with him then do it, if you don't , well perhaps you don't really fancy him that much?

I imagine whether you sleep with him now or in 6 months time and he never calls again, you'll still feel bad, he obviously fanices you rotten and sounds sweet, if a little desperate for sex. I'd be inclined to go for it if I were you, you need to know that you're sexually compatible, what if you waited a few more weeks and fell for him, only to discover you don't quite click in bed?

I think your gut instinct might be telling you he is a 'player' - if you want to have sex for fun that's fine but be aware that you're gut is telling you it might just be fun for him.

And the answer to your question is "until you want to".

Malificence - please don't say game-playing. I've been honest and open about everything with him. If anything, my defences are up because of the way H just upped and left, whoosh, but I'm not messing him around.

nowwearefour and laurie, thanks.

I agree (for once, don't all pass out) with Malificence - why are you so keen to wait? If you have this ghastly idea that making a man wait for sex will make him 'commit' ditch it NOW, it's stupid, unethical and self-destructive to treat your fanjo as a bargaining counter. If he's a reasonably nice man and you keep delaying he will come to the conclusion that you either have a low libido or you are manipulative, and will drop you. If he's not a nice man he will manipulate you right back, insist he loves you, shag you once and then move on. Sex is not a commodity, it's an enjoyable pastime - if you fancy shagging the man, SHAG the man, if you don't, find one you do fancy shagging.
Oh, and don;t let him pay all the time. That does tend to give the impression you are trading your assets.

What do you want?

Do you want him to commit? And do you think he will? You are both fresh from relationships, is that what you really want? If you suspect he's not one to commit, then why are you wavering? If you want to have sex with him then do so. It seems you do not, so does that mean that you aren't that interested, or that you want to wait for love before having sex?

Hmm, maybe I'm just not that into him (if I'm just not that into letting him into me).

I would say go with your instinct and don't do anything you don't want to of course.

But you are both mature people surely and not quite sure why you are waiting tbh. What you have described sounds a bit 'high school' tbh

I think if the guy is a player then he'll be off anyway and it sort of relegates sex to a bargaining tool/ prize that a woman gives a man which seems very old fashioned imo.

I love sex and was deprived of it during my marriage so whilst I would be picky about any man I date I would prob sleep with them quite quickly - if he then went off/had a madonna/whore complex then he wouldn't have been right anyway/would be a misogynistic knob.

Since I split with exh three and a half years ago I have dated someone for six months (slept with him on date 2) and had two fwbs!

I like to think I am quite liberated but then realise that not all people think like that and double standards still abound.

Must admit with exh I did wait a fair while (couple of months) before sleeping with him but that's because I was pissed off with men in general and quite heartbroken when I met him.

Good on you though for getting back on the scene so quickly.

Love your other thread (Recently Ditched) btw

I'm guessing that you like the thrill of the chase?

You know what you've done though, don't you? You've made the sex into a massive issue in his head, and he probably isn't thinking much about what a lovely person you are any more and just wants to get into your pants.

Good luck!

Have sex. If you wait around, you could get awfully emotionally attached before finding out he was crap in bed, and that would be a great shame, no?

If you have done some 'major rudeness' and you really like him then whats the problem?

I'd understand if you didn't want any sexual contact at all until you felt completely confident in him, but you have already done 'rude' (?!?) things with him so why don't you want to sleep with him? Surely its a natural progression?

Why start to get it on after dates 10 & 11 then be so against anything sexual on 12, 13, 14, 15?

Put him out of his misery and just shag him. You may enjoy it. And if he is a player he must not be very good at it as it sounds like he is not getting any from anybody.

Major rudeness? This sounds like you may have done everything but shag him (BJ? -if so there are a lot of men out there still waiting for that sort of action but still getting missionary type action anyway).
Better to regret something you have done than something you haven't (I know this cannot be applied to all situations!).

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Some people have to feel that the relationship is serious before they have sex. Thats not a crime is it?

Oh God. Now I'm even more confused!

It sounds like you either don't trust him or don't fancy him. Those are the two things you need for enjoyable sex really so maybe you shouldn't sleep with him.

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Surely its about when you BOTh feel you want to rather than something the man is gagging for and the woman is holding all the control as to if and when?

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What gives you the impression that he's a "player"? Surely a player wouldn't bother with dating sites, he'd be off downtown, pulling anything with a pulse.

If you really fancied him, after this long I would have thought you'd be as keen as he is, it shouldn't be about letting him "have his way", it should be for your benefit and enjoyment too - at this stage it should be for fun and not much else really.

If you really can't face having sex with him, I would let him down gently and then he can move on.

Help.