I think I just ended my marriage.

[SpringyWho]

DH & I have a history of problems, some of which have been chronicled here under other names. I thought things were better though, but recently I've discovered a lot of porn on his computer on numerous occasions.

I don't have a problem with porn per se, but I didn't like that he was looking at it alone (often when he wasn't interested in having sex with me), nor the content of some of it. I was raped a few years ago, & a lot of the videos he downloaded were if not rape a lot like rape (sleeping women being penetrated after having their breasts exposed for the camera, etc). That's not to say that none of it was rape porn. Some of it was. He denies downloading those bits, but I found a few instances of them.

I also found a couple of bookmarks, including one of a photograph of someone we both know (he knows her better & goes to uni with her) posing on a bed in her underwear. It is a public photo, so not taken for him, but in his bookmarks nonetheless.

After the last confrontation we had a massive discussion about everything & he promised me repeatedly that he'd only downloaded what I'd found, all on occasion, & that he had no idea how the bookmarks got there, etc. I was dubious to say the least, but chose to believe him because I love him, he's my husband, & the father to our gorgeous DS. He said that I could check his laptop whenever I liked, so I asked tonight if I could. He was a bit shifty about it & said 'oh, hang on then' & went to reach for it himself, but I didn't give him the chance. He also tried to remove his external harddrive because 'it's finished with, so it just needs putting away', but I made him leave it too.

On it, I found a whole lot of previously undiscovered porn. Including a video of a mother & daughter being raped. I didn't watch a lot of it & I assume that it's fictional, but obviously it's not great. To say the least.

After continuing to lie to my face as I asked him if he had anything to admit & making it more & more obvious that I knew he had things, including naming the folder they were hidden in, he finally confessed once presented with the videos. He continued to lie about everything else unless presented with evidence - including things that he'd previously promised me were the God's honest truth.

The last time this all blew up, I challenged him over it for hours & he kept denying it. In the end I said that he had until we went to bed to tell the truth & we'd work it out. If I ever found out he was lying, that'd be the end of the marriage. No, he said. I promise, it's the truth.

Fucking lying arsehole.

But now I think... DS. He's only a baby. He's nearly 11 months & so beautiful. & can I really take his daddy away from him over some pornography? What do I do? I'm in pieces.

[BigBadMummy]

I am so sorry. I dont really know what to say but I wanted you to have an answer before a more knowledgable MNetter comes along.

Your last line though.... you are not taking your DS's daddy away. Your DP has done this, not you.

Some wise women one here have said before that men only admit to what there is evidence of. That is, there may be more but if he knows you don't have proof he will not admit it.

What you have found is shocking, truly shocking, especially given your history. Beyond insensitive.

He needs to confess to you once and for all the full content of everything he has done and looked at. You cannot make any decisions about your future without the truth.

And if he wont give you the whole truth, well that would be it for me.

I can deal with facts. I cannot deal with deceit.

[Tortington]

its not about the pronography, its about the disrespect, the ignoring your feelings and your experiences, its the lying and deceitfulness.

only you can decide whether this is a dealbreaker for you, but don't reduce it to 'just' pornography, when thats not the issue at all.

perhaps you need some counselling before you make a decision ( together i mean)

[CarGirl]

It's not the porn though, it's the lying and the kind of think he's into - rape fantasties, being in control etc - what exactly does he think of women???

[SpringyWho]

The stupid thing is, he's really vanilla in bed. He never seems interested in sex. The problems in the past have basically boiled down to sex & me feeling unwanted - long before any of this porn stuff came to light.

A couple of weeks ago, perhaps (time merges when everything's shit & you never get any sleep because of your baby!) we were having a lighthearted discussion based on a MN thread, actually - I asked him if he'd have sex with me with someone watching for a million pounds. He said no. I joked & said that I'd do it for 20. He got really angry & I defended myself, saying that I didn't see the problem with it as long as everyone was happy with the situation - all consenting adults, etc. I was having a laugh mostly, although I don't think that I'd rule it out, but he called me disgusting & perverse. He really isn't that interested in 'kink' in reality. Or at least not with me. That's not to say that he's having an affair - I'm sure he's not - but I just don't know if it's specific to me.

I've told him loads of times before that as far as I'm concerned, we can work through pretty much anything so long as he's honest. Lies I can't deal with. He's always known that. & yet...

[SolidGoldBrass]

I don't know your backstory, but you mention having had problems. You don't have to air them again but I wonder how many of them might have been to do with him being controlling, wanting his own way, not treating you with respect or sulking about not getting enough sex? Because the fact that he is looking at rape porn when he knows you are a rape survivor suggests that he likes you vulnerable, and that's not very healthy.

[Irishchic]

Be strong for your ds. This man may be his father, but he is no role model for your dS.

I agree with previous OP. Get on to Relate asap and get some counselling on your own first about this to help you decide what to do.

You need some support here to help you in your decision. Whatever you decide must be the best option for you and your ds, no matter what happens your dh will always be in your ds's life.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Xpost, sorry. This man has nasty ideas about women. Major madonna/whore issues. It doesn';t sound like he has any respect for you, ie he doesn;t think of you as a full human being with equal status to himself.

[CarGirl]

Sounds like he is addicted porn and hence no interest in sex with you. If your not both happy (ish) with your sex life that will eat away at your relationship until there is nothing left.

[SpringyWho]

It's difficult WRT living conditions. We're both at uni & have a flat together. We don't really have anywhere else to stay in this city, as family & friends are all a long way away. It's just easier in so many ways to forget about it. But I've tried that & he keeps fucking it up. I can't keep going around in circles - I'm becoming a doormat & he treats me like I'm stupid. He seemed honestly surprised that I asked to check his laptop even though I'd said that I would & he'd agreed during the last incident. Tonight he said that he didn't think that I'd feel the need - that I'd just trust him enough not to bother

[SpringyWho]

He says he's never wanked to it. That he doesn't know why he has it. That he only looks at it every few weeks.

I don't believe him. There was a time that I would have, but now I just have no idea. He has given me serious self esteem issues over the last 18 months or so - I've been so paranoid about stopping BFing because my boobs are now going back to normal size & he's even less interested than before. He always says that he doesn't mind, etc. But it doesn't seem to tally. Especially when I see shit like 'BIG TITS' written all over his computer.

When we first met, I thought that he was really into sex, which I liked - my other long term relationship was with a vicar's son who was really messed up about sex before marriage & it basically never happened. Me & DH knew each other for quite a while before we got together, so when we did I thought I was getting into something fun. I quickly got pregnant (despite contraception) & it was just downhill from there. I took that as to be expected, but I just feel like crap. He used to call me beautiful, for example. No matter how many times I cite this as an example of his reduced interest, nothing changes - he calls me beautiful the day after the conversation & that's it.

It's not only about that sort of thing, but it's the lack of effort that astounds me.

& I'm glad you're here SGB. You always talk a lot of sense on these threads. I hoped you'd be around.

[SolidGoldBrass]

He does sound very sexually dysfunctional, sorry. He's thinking of you as Mother, therefore sexless (and there to service him domestically) and women who have sex as Sluts. Therapy might help him, but he would have to understand that he has a problem. Sorry you are having to put up with this, do bear in mind that it's not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you.

[SpringyWho]

It's almost funny how much the last sentence of that hit home. Logically, I know that it's true. But there's such a history of sex-related SHITE in my life that it's almost impossible to believe that it's not my fault. Fuck. I just want to get really drunk & go out dancing & forget about it, but I'm alone with DS. I hope he doesn't wake much tonight - I can't look at him without totally dissolving.

[SolidGoldBrass]

. Poor you. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. .

[SpringyWho]

Pfft. Thanks SGB.

[ItsGraceAgain]

Oh dear. I'm very glad you have SGB on your thread, Springy, she's just what you need.

To reinforce a few points you already know:

• He has a Madonna/Whore (Mother/Tart) complex. I have never heard of any man fixing this - presumably because they see no reason to.
  
• A large porn habit is a bad problem. A large porn habit, that entails violence to women, is a screeching danger signal.
  
• Your DH hates women. Bad news for any woman unfortunate enough to be his wife.
  
• You have done nothing wrong, unless you consider it wrong to believe someone's lies.
  
• Your baby doesn't need a father like this.
  
  I'm sad for you, that you're going through this. I really hope you have plenty of good people around you, who will take good care of you while you get away from this. Gather good people, turn round and don't look back. Really.

[kazkiss]

Hiya hun. Havnt really got anything to add that SGB hasnt already said but just wanted to give big big hugs.....

[ChippingIn]

I was just going to say - well, pretty much exactly what ItsGraceAgain said (and others), he has to go. I am pretty sure I know at least one of your other posting names and said on that 'he has to go' and that's not something I say lightly...

It's not 'porn' that is the issue - but the type of porn and the deceit yet again.

Be strong. Tell him to find somewhere else to live.

[posieparkerfuckityfuck]

In threads like this I refer to SGB for her opinion, as it's less emotional and far more open about sexual matters. So when SGB says that your husband has issues, I would listen up. I'm sure his profile matches some of the most unsavoury characters, seems like he has sexual desires that disgust him and I can only think that will come back to deviance in the end. He likes watching women being raped? He doesn't like sex with his own wife and accuses her of being dirty when she talks about the things he'd happily watch and he says he doesn't wank to it, very bizarre.

I would suggest you go to a counsellor to split up, they can be good mediators and make your soon to be ex realise you mean it. His sexual preferences can also be recorded just in case. Perhaps I've watched and read too many sex crime stories to think your H is not someone to worry about.

[posieparkerfuckityfuck]

You are doing the best for your son by getting rid of this man.

I will repeat others this is not your fault, not at all.

[LoveBeingAMummy]

If he can lie so easily to your face when you had told him what would happen how is this your fault?

[onebatmother]

May I ask a couple of q's?

A film of a mother and daughter being raped - the daughter was how old?

Also - and this is NOT to excuse (christ no) - is it possible that he has failed to come to terms with your rape (which I'm terribly sorry to hear about) and is therefore fetishizing it?

[posieparkerfuckityfuck]

Interested in obm's question...bump.

[AuldAlliance]

So sorry to hear about this.
I have nothing very useful to add other than

(1) you are NOT to blame in any way, you have done everything you possibly could to make your marriage work.

(2) if you said to him that lies would mean the end of your marriage, and he has now lied so completely and blatantly, then you need to think v clearly and carefully about your next step. If he is the controlling, manipulative type, then not fulfilling that threat could make you weak & vulnerable in his eyes.

(3) you would not be taking your DS's daddy away, you would be ensuring that your DS grows up in a saner, safer environment. He would still have access to his daddy, but you would be free of a nasty relationship and would be happier and therefore a better, more relaxed mother.

[Feierabend]

Oh god, Springy, poor you. Leave him. It will be best for you and DS. I really hope you can get the support you need. Lots of hugs.

[fanjolina]

I am fairly open minded but I could not be with a man wh gets off on watching women getting raped.

Neither could I be with a man who lies to me and disrespects me.

He may be your companion & friend now. But you deserve better.