A hard-working DP and a broken promise... (long)

[aurynne]

Hi all,

After months and months of lurking and participating just with some comments on other people?s threads, I can now unfortunately contribute with my own one. I could very well do with some advice here.

I have always been a very independent woman, moving frequently from country to country, with a career that I love and I?m very good at. In 2008 I met my current DP, when we were both working for the same company, and we clicked almost instantly. Shortly into the relationship he was offered a fantastic position at the other side of the country. He is also really good at what he does, but our work philosophies are very different: I work hard but try equally hard to have a life out of work. I won?t do too much overtime, as I believe my company is paying for my services, and I am entitled to a private life to have my hobbies and my travelling. My DP on the other hand, gets very stressed at work, does frequent overtime and sometimes has problems sleeping as a result. Not being at home enough was already one (of many) factors in the breakage of his previous marriage.

When we were discussing about the possibility of moving down South to his new job, I said I was keen to go with him. This would mean leaving a job I loved and many friends that I had made during the years to move to a city where finding a job in my area would be much tougher, and where I knew no one. I nevertheless agreed, with just one condition: if I moved with him, I wanted to have time with him, not to be home on my own. He would have to make sure the overtime and weekends away would be the exception, and not the rule. Otherwise I wouldn?t commit. He promised it would be like I said, and during the contract discussions with the new company he was assured this would be no problem.

So I left my job and joined him, we bought a beautiful house together (all my life savings went into the mortgage) and started what I thought would be a fantastic life with the man of my dreams.

Trouble is, it is not.

As I feared, I barely see him. He is frequently home late. He brings work home. Sometimes I wake up at 5:30 am to hear him working in the computer or receiving calls from work from oversees producers and clients. He is never home when he says he will. He has stopped having time to even give me a call in the middle of the day or write me a line to see how I?m doing.

And I?m not doing good either. It has taken me 4 months to find a job and I have been feeling down and lonely. Not having a job has made meeting friends very difficult. I can never know when he?s going to be home, and so can?t plan any evening activity together. Even when we?re having dinner, the phone can go off any time and he will interrupt anything he?s doing to concentrate in the call. Sometimes dinner will go cold waiting for him to come back to the table, he seems unable to tell the person on the phone he?s just busy at the moment, and call them later.

About me, I am starting to feel bitter and resent him for breaking his promise to me. Had I known this was going to be like this, I wouldn?t have left my job and my friends. As it is, I am now trapped in a beautiful cage, with no friends, no support, no partner and feeling cheated. He keeps saying ?work is tough at the moment, it will get better from next week?, but he has been saying this for months now, and there is always something new coming up that means he has to leave for the weekend, or work early mornings or late evenings. He does not get extra pay for the evenings or weekends he works, and when I ask him if I can join him during the weekends (to make sure at least we will spend evenings and nights together) he says the company does not encourage partners to attend. I would understand if this was during working hours? but hell, weekends are for us to be together? his company takes him away from me and does not even accept me being there??? (of course, I would be paying my own ticket, food and accommodation, I am no leech).

My dear grandma died last week and I am so far away from my family (they live on the other side of the World). I am calling my parents and uncles and aunties, but I am so sad I can?t be there with them hugging them and helping them go through this. And I am here alone. He spends barely a couple of hours a day at home, and even when he is here, he is not fully here, IYKWIM. Today he?s just left for the next 4 days for a working appointment, including the weekend. He won?t be back until Monday morning, and he has to go right back to work. I am thinking about leaving and staying in a flat on my own, as I prefer to be physically alone than to feel lonely, and I hate the bitter, depressed, disgusting person I am becoming.

What would you do in my situation? Am I being unreasonable here? I have no friends to talk to, and I can?t tell my family now about my own unhappiness, as they are still reeling after my grandma?s death. I hate to talk about personal stuff on the phone, and that stops me from calling my friends back at the previous city I lived.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

[NotQuiteCockney]

He sounds like a workaholic, I'm afraid.

Workaholics seem to really like working, or really feel the need to work, but from what I know, they are fleeing from everything else, thanks to crap childhoods.

This page may be helpful.

Your feelings are entirely justified and understandable. You might want to put some time and energy into thinking about why you have chosen to share your life with someone who is essentially unavailable, though, to ensure you don't make the same mistake next time.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Sorry, that could have been said more gently and thoughtfully - I am tired and feverish.

It's a shitty situation you're in. He probably honestly thought he wouldn't be working like this, when you guys agreed to move down South. He probably honestly thinks that it's just that now is v busy at work, and it will be better soon, real soon.

But you know it won't.

[Fluffyone]

You poor thing, this is such a sad post. It occurs to me that it almost reads like a letter to your DP, he needs to hear this doesn't he?

[traceybath]

Is there anything stopping you going to stay with your family for a bit. Perhaps a bit of a break will help you both to work out whats important.

My DH works very long hours and its tough but I always knew he did and he doesn't actually have much choice as its his own business.

[foxinsocks]

If you were my friend, I'd tell you to get on a plane and go and see your family. Take some time off work - a bereavement is a fair reason to need some immediate leave.

[maxpower]

Agree with fluffyone . Have you communicated this to him as clearly and calmly as you have in your OP? TBH, reading your OP, I feel that you were maybe a bit naive in thinking that he'd change his ways when you knew that his work had impacted on previous relationships.

If I were you and assuming you can afford it, I'd travel to spend some time with your family right now. I'd leave a message for your DH to let him know where you were but wouldn't commit to when you'd be back. I suppose I'd leave a message in the sense that if he tries to contact you, he will discover where you are (no need to worry him about your safety) but so that he'll only find out if he makes the effort to contact you IYSWIM?

[teaandcakeplease]

I think you need to try and tell him again what was agreed before you moved.

How about you ask for one night a week together quality time (I hate that word), with no phones, television, blackberry etc. That you both cross it off on calendars and if anyone asks you just say you're busy. You have dinner together and really just talk and catch up. It would do you both the world of good. If he can commit to this and take it seriously that would help.

Could you join a church? Great way to meet people in local area. They usually have lots of things going on, where you could get to know people. Sorry if you're totally anti religion or of another faith. It's just an idea.

I have to say though, if you keep trying and things don't work, you may have to consider going back to where all your friends are. As you don't really want to spend the rest of your life like this surely?

[aurynne]

Thank you all so much for responding so quickly and for your understanding.

I have thought about travelling back home with my family... the problem is, I haven't started my new job yet: I start in 10 days from now. If I was already working I could take bereavement leave, but if I leave before starting I may lose this job, and there's no other. Another factor in my unhappiness is precisely my loss of income and independence. I a really looking forward to starting work again and contribute with some money.

NotQuiteCockney, his childhood was actually very happy, he has a fantastic family he adores. His parents are lovely. You may remember a MIL thread I wrote months ago, before moving, where I told her I'd like to be able to share a room with my DP in her house, and she agreed immediately. I got severe attacks on MN for "daring" to ask, but the fact is, I trust and love her, and she is like a friend. My Dp is a lovely person too, very caring and loves me to bits. He just seems to be utterly unable to set limits to his work.

I have told him several times already. Today before he left I told him he is losing me, and that even if he does fix in "in some months from now", it may be too late, because it was precisely these first months when I needed him, and he is not with me. When I say this he cries and promises things will change. But I've heard it all before.

[aurynne]

teaandcakeplease, thanks for your suggestion of joining a church group. I am not a religious person though, and I wouldn't find it fair nor honest of me to take advantage of another people's deep belief just to feel less lonely.

[teaandcakeplease]

Fair enough.

Really hope things get better soon though. He sounds sweet enough bless him. Just needs to sort his priorities out a little more, get a work/ life balance...

[choosyfloosy]

You start in ten days from now?

Could you get on a plane tomorrow and go and see you family for ten days?

[BitOfFun]

Perhaps you could negotiate a different start date with the new workplace and stay an extra week?

I would draw a mental time limit in my head of how much longer to give this to change- say, six months- and tell him. That way you will have some funds for a move home if necessary, and a chance to see if you could be happy with more social contacts and a job where you are now.

Good luck- he sounds like he has let you down really badly.

[aurynne]

choosyfloosy, it takes almost two days to get back home and another 2 to come back. It is really an exhausting trip, and I need at least 3 weeks to make it worth it. It really is, literally, the other side of the World. Besides, I'd have to take money off the mortgage to do this, as all my savings are gone. I went to see my grandma back in May last year when she became ill and I am happy I did, as she could still recognize me and enjoyed my visit immensely. I will wait to get the contract offer though and see if a trip is still possible. 10 days is an approximation of what I've been told the starting date would be.

I am open to any options though, and your advice is really valuable. As it's been to just write down all the situation.

[bloodyright]

Poor you, how utterly frustrating and very sad.

He sounds like he could do with some help with regard to the workaholic stuff.

It sounds to me like he would really like to work less but just has a compulsion and perhaps a skewed view of who he owes loyalty and respect to.

You can nudge him in the direction of help, but ultimately, he is the person who needs to make the move.

I really like the idea of sending him a letter along the lines of what you have written here. It doesn't sound like he is particularly happy with the set up either if he's crying about you leaving. You could put something in the letter about therapy or counselling, maybe having researched a decent therapist close by, and let him know that this would be a step he could take which would allow you some confidence in his rhetoric re the reducing of hours etc.

I would hold off on the moving out for a bit. You have had a lot of time on your hands and too much time to think - if your anything like me, too much time in my own head space can turn me inwards and thoughts spiral downwards. Starting the job in 10 days will at least move your own mood upwards and as you say, give you back the independence etc that you feel you have sacraficed for him.

I would probably put timeframes down for action in respect of him actually showing some commitment to change.

I'd have a very clear date in my own head whereby if nothing had changed I would move on, maybe a year or whatever you consider appropriate.

I would also recommend sitting down with him every month and asking him if he thinks he has done anything to meet his promise of reducing his hours.

[Fluffyone]

If talking doesn't work, and you are both getting so upset by this, then I think you should write it down and give it to him. Not much needs changing from your first post really does it? I'd be inclined to try to think of what you would like to do together to try to find a solution, rather than just setting deadlines. Like some form of joint counselling maybe?

[aliblue]

It seems like you've already got quite a bit of good advice from the PPs, but i just wanted to add that workaholic partners can change. Mine used to be similar- come home at 8 or 9, and be straight onto the computer at home then work through to 11 or 12, then would often work a full day on the weekend as well. He had to be weaned off work sloooowly but we're getting there. He now gets home at 7 and rarely works at home.
one thing that did work to some extent was keeping him away from a computer. I'd get him to come and meet me after work in a pub, or at the cinema, etc, so he was physically unable to work.

[aurynne]

Meeting him somewhere after work is a brilliant idea aliblue! I will definitely suggest that to him, I just hope it won't mean me waiting on my own in the pub for 2 hours...

bloodyright, you've hit the nail by saying that too much time on my own is doing my head in... I had never been unemployed before and have found out I am not the kind of person who enjoys having nothing to do. I am volunteering in a couple of places and trying to keep myself busy, but I do miss having a big project like crazy. Can't wait to start, really.

I know working will make things easier for me, but I am still very hurt by him breaking his promise to me. I trusted him, and now that trust in him is reeling. I do take promises very seriously. If I let this one go, how can I trust him again?

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I think you need to show him the post, and also schedule in time to see him. Obviously nebulous 'making more time' promises aren't working, so schedule it. You will always be home by 6pm on a Friday and we will spend the evening together. We will meet for lunch once a week. Sunday afternoons are for [etc].

This is really hard. Do you see yourself having kids with this man? Because that's going to mean you always, always do the childcare and the housework. He'll always have an excuse.

I'm sorry. He does sound like a nice guy, but a workaholic definitely.

[Earlybird]

Why not go visit friends in the city where you previously lived? From your posts, it sounds as if that is not on the other side of the world........

I imagine things will get better for you when you are working.

See how you feel in a few months, and then reassess.

[Trifle]

His first marriage broke down because he was more committed to work than his wife, this relationship is going the same way and probably every relationship after you will too. It;s not as if he is even in the same job as before that required being on call virtually 24/7 and it seems to be of his making that this job is precisely that too. I doubt very much he even spoke to his present company during contract stages to be assured he would get time off, who on earth would say that in a meeting. I think he was just paying you lip service. His job is not a matter of life or death, he has chosen to
make it his life at the expense of everything else. Any chance you could get your old job back and move back where you came from?

[Kiwinyc]

I know where you are from another thread and you do have time to come back and see your family, i do it yearly myself from the UK. I'm only in the country for 6-7 days because I have two young DD's and i can't leave them for too long but its worth it for the emotional hit. I admit i travel Premium economy these days but it really helps the jet lag and if I get back by Fri/Sat I'm ok for work on Monday. And you should insist your DP pays for it - he should be offering if you don't have the money, I know mine would.

But if that really is too much of stretch I agree with maybe getting on a plane and visiting friends somewhere closer?

However good it feels to escape the situation for a while, you will still be returning to the issues in your marriage. I'd agree that being out of work compounds how unhappy you may be feeling, and i feel your isolation from your post.

He has to make you more of a priority in your life by involving you and letting you come on weekend work trips (if thats what you want - company 'policy' or not) and he should manage his schedule to give you some time from it. I know people like him and although its helpful for the partner to be v. independant and have their own interests and priorities, their wives stay because their partners still make time for them and are 100% focussed on you when you are together and crucially - provide emotional as well as physical support when needed. And thats what you need to insist on getting from your DP. Maybe you've already been through this but sit down and discuss a compromise. Ask him to include a set time in his schedule with you, for you. Insist upon reliability and exclusivity during that time - that time becomes sacrosanct and can only be changed with your permission. Tell him his relationship with you depends on making you one of his priorities - otherwise what else is there in it for you?

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandma. I think being so far away amplifies the feelings of loss since you can't be with the others who are grieving too.

[lololol]

I am going to be blunt (sorry)

-I would phone your old company and see if they will take you back in your old job or anything similar at all
-I would go back to where you were living before and tell your "D"P that you want to sell you current house and you are leaving him to go back to your old life - if necessary, I would stay with a friend until you can get a bit more sorted.

My DH is a workaholic. They DO NOT EVER CHANGE. My DH has been in his job for 11 years and has been saying virtually every week that it will get better. It hasn't, it doesn't - I have asked him not to say it anymore as even if he does believe it himself, it is utter fiction. Fortunately, I am in a location where I have a lot of support from a large family. My DH isn't coming home tonight, staying away hundreds of miles away for work. It doesn't matter, I will see my mum and my brother today, I have 2 kids to look after. I have tried to tell my DH so many times that he is wasting his life - he never listens so I don't say it anymore!

[sincitylover]

there is an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie moves to Paris to be with her dp - she gives up her job. She is extremely miserable and all her dp says is 'as soon as.....' then things will be better.

She has lunch with his exwife and when she quotes the 'as soon as' line the ex wife recognises this instantly.

In other words he hasn't changed.

This is a very sad situation and can only echo what the previous posters have said.

You have invested so much in him but what is he investing in you?

[Anniegetyourgun]

Just some ramblin's here, but it seems to me you're in the same position as if your DP was being unfaithful. In this case the "W" in "OW" is Work, not Woman, but still, when he's with "her" he forgets all about you, then when he's with you you're the one that matters - until "she" calls. It's as fundamental as sex for him, this need to be needed by work, and it takes up all his attention. As a result this is not a relationship. You're just allowed to hang on for the scraps of time he can spare you. Never mind the tears; if he really cared about you as a person, rather than something nice to see around when he deigns to drop in at home, like a good comfy sofa, he would make time. As I think you hinted yourself, you may find this matters less once you've got your own life back to your satisfaction (work and social both). At least you can be sure he won't be too demanding of your time!

Maybe eventually he'll have a minor health episode, survive a car crash, fail to fall off a cliff or something else scary, evaluate his priorities and realise there IS more to life than work, more to relationships than a quick shag between business calls, but I don't believe YOU can make it happen because right now you're not the most important thing in his life. Not to say that he doesn't sincerely love you, but love is less important to him than work, and/or your needs are seen as less important because you're not paying him for his time. Some major psychotherapy may get to the bottom of why, but a mere life partner doesn't stand a chance.

Them's my theories, feel free to ignore.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Yes - for a workaholic, the job is the affair. It's still infidelity of a sort.

I do think workaholics can change (like alcoholics, like serial philanderers) but they have to want to change, to be ready to change. He doesn't even realise he has a problem.