how do I tell DP he need to lose weight without him getting paranoid??

[whatdoIsay]

have changed name for this.

DP has, over the last 4 years, put on about 3 stone and it has got to the point where it doesn't look very attractive. i still love him but probably fancy him a bit less. Question is how do I tell him without making him paranoid?

I don't mean to sound shallow BTW, I know looks aren't everything and I'm not about to leave him or anything but I just wish he could lose a couple of stone.

[WigWamBam]

Don't tell him that you don't fancy him, that would be really cruel and nasty.

Could you tell him that you're worried for his health, and that you think that you as a family could probably benefit from a healthy eating regime? It might be a bit less threatening put that way.

[whatdoIsay]

I know WWB, obviously I wouldn't say something that cruel. The thing is we do eat pretty healthly, but I think he just eats too much and also he drinks too much beer (not so that he has a problem but it definitely affects his weight) plus he does no excercise.

[WigWamBam]

Would it work to tackle it as a family? Suggest that you both need to get a bit fitter and lose a bit of weight? Could you join a gym together, or go out walking together?

[whatdoIsay]

well we have one ds who is 3.5 so it's hard for us both to go the gym together. I do most of the cooking and we eat well; lots of fresh fish, salads, veg etc but then he'll help himself to bread so it kind of ruins it.

I'm just not sure how I broach the subject other than saying that I think we both need to lose weight (I could do with losing half a stone). He's lovely but he's not very self motivated IFYKWIM.

[handlemecarefully]

I must admit, I would tell dh directly something along the lines of "I love you very much but I do find you more attractive when you are 'fitter', I think maybe you are drinking too much"

Before you all recoil in shock, dh and I are quite comfortable discussing things like this, and I would accept the same feedback from him...(and he might well volunteer precisely that information since I could do with shifting some pounds)

If you can't be honest with your dh/dp who can you be honest with?

[handlemecarefully]

Although I am not criticising your good intentions of trying not to upset / alienate him

[whatdoIsay]

hmc I think that's probably the best approach but I just suspect he'll take it really personally and get paranoid that I don't fancy him anymore.

[whatdoIsay]

I think I'd be ok with this approach too - i.e. if someone said that to me.

[whatdoIsay]

well not 'someone' but DP!

[handlemecarefully]

Well you know your dh and I don't. It is personality driven whether or not you can face this sort of feedback or not

[jolou1]

DH has decided he wants to lose 2 stone after a couple of comments from other people. He asked if I thought he was overweight and I said he could do with getting fitter because he'd feel better about himself, but I suggested we make it a team effort and he's now quite enthusiastic. We bought scales on Saturday and have replaced bread with pitta bread (except for a frozen loaf in the freezer for DS' sandwiches.) Beer is the culprit for him too, so he's switched to wine/vodka. He's giving himself a three month target and is running a half marathon at the end of September. When we sat down together and planned it all out, it was a lot less daunting. If he has your full support and lots of encouragement from the kids it's a good start.
DH works very long hours, but goes out for a half hour run at some point during the day and he's sleeping better as well.
I think you just have to bite the bullet and say you're concerned about his health. Just be as positive as you can....enthusiasm can be infectious!

[whatdoIsay]

thanks jolou, good advice. DP is one of these people who gets really into something but doesn't always follow through with it. I think if we make it more of a structured thing then he could stick to it. He loves beer though!

[jolou1]

Maybe just beer at the weekends? It's hard in this weather when a cold lager is the best drink ever! Good luck, I'm sure once he's decided to commit himself, with your help he can do it.

[handlemecarefully]

If he isn't prepared to cut down on his beer, he will have to up his activity rate to compensate.

I couldn't give up beer either (I'm rather partial), but have recently made sure that I do a 3 mile run 3 times per week to balance this

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[Chuffed]

HMC - dh and I are the same - would comment with no offense taken...but what about commenting on 'those shorts are getting a bit tight' can't afford a new wardrobe so you are going to have to do something about it...

[motherinferior]

Pruni, I shall follow your tips with interest.

[whatdoIsay]

good to know i'm not alone. good tips Pruni. It is very tricky isn't it. Some of it, of course,is age, he just puts on weight easier (as do I).

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[norash]

Cook healthy, if you don't already. And join a gym and suggest that he come with you. Might help.

[motherinferior]

But Norash, why should she join a gym if she doesn't want to?

I've been thinking about this one; because I too would burst into tears and run away if my partner murmurred tenderly to me that I'd put on weight and didn't fancy me (indeed, I felt this was a chucking offence with a previous boyfriend). But ultimately, really, the couple of additional stone round DP's middle are his problem - as is the knockon effect on my perhaps not fancying him as much.

And DP, being a Bloke, is of course an Expert On Everything. Including diet and fitness. The fact that I write about losing weight from time to time - not to speak of the fact that being female in this culture makes most of us pretty expert on it all - counts for nothing. So on the days when I cook there's lots of veg and not that much meat. On the days when he does...well, I rest my case.

[motherinferior]

[whatdoIsay]

MI, god knows!
Norash, we can't both go to gym together as we have a DS so can't really go to gym 3 nights a week or whatever. Also we do eat healthily it's the size of his portions plus the fact that he adds bread to everything.

just going to go for it I think, along Pruni, jolou lines. I just can't see him sticking to anything

[handlemecarefully]

me and dh go to the gym together at weekends - we put both lo's in the gym creche for 1.5 hours (although this is expensive i.e. £9.75)