My partners drinking has ruining our lives

[dragonfly00]

Hi,

I am new to this so please bear with me not really sure where to start.

Basically my partners drinking is really getting me down, I am worried for his health and our bank balance. He will not accept that he has a problem but he needs to drink everyday, some days it will only be a bottle of wine other days 3 ++, I don't think I am over reacting but I really think this is too much. Sometimes he is so drunk he will fall over and just make a complete idiot of himself. He will drink @ home alone, when we visit family and freinds, a day will not go by when he does not imbibe he says he needs it too relax. I found out that he was drinking @ work last year but he promised this has now stopped. I have lost total respect for him and now find him very unattractive, he looks old. This has been going on for many years and I think it really has taken its toll.

We live in a small village and he buys his drink from the local shop each night and I know people are talking and I find this very embarrasing, our son who is 9 has also made comments, like all his dad wants to do is drink and smoke rather than spend time with him.

I also enjoy a good drink and have had a drink problem in the past but I feel that when I do have a drink now it is encouraging him and I can not enjoy it, which makes me angry. This is now affecting all area's of our lives including our sex life, having sex with a really drunk person when you are sober (even if he could manage it) does not seem very appealing.

I just really want him to come to terms with what he is doing. Sorry for the rant but any suggestions would gratefully received, I feel so alone and unable to talk with anyone that understands.

[haveemailedtoniandguy]

I've been in your position, except with a drug addicted partner. I have found the only solution has been to separate. Otherwise, where are the consequences for his behaviour?

[citronella]

Yup been there got the tee shirt especially the bit about not feeling able to enjoy a sensible amount of drink yourself. Also the finances. And the sex. Could you,

Write down how much he is spending every time he buys drink and keep a log. Also work out the number of units he is drinking.
I did this and discovered it was costing £250-£350 a month and it was something like 2 bottles of wine a day or 1 bottle and 4 cans of beer (often really strong stuff) or equal combinations. Thing was it was always at home so no one but me really saw the effect, apart from my mum when she stayed. I digress

Show him this log in black and white

Demand that he seeks help from AA

See if you can go to Al-Anon meetings for partners of alcoholics. They really do help your own sanity.

If you want to save the marriage demand that you go to couple counselling.

I really am sorry you are going through this because its horrible. Truly horrible.
Come on here when you want to scream

[dragonfly00]

Thanks citronella, I think writing it down is a good idea, I have estimated he is spending sometimes £500 a month on booze and fags but the can not pay his bit towards the mortgage, surprise surprise. Thanks for your support it really helps to hear from people who have experienced the same thing. I have also told my mum but she seems to think that to be an alcoholic you need to be drinking out of a paper bag in a shop doorway.

[Snorbs]

I've also been in your position with my ex. You have my sympathies because I know how maddening, dispairing, frightening and confusing it can be. If he's drinking that much that often then the chances are he's never properly sobering up before he starts drinking again.

The crux of the matter is that you didn't cause his drink problems, you can't control his drinking, and you can't cure him. He will stop drinking when the fear of what he could lose if he continues drinking outweighs the fear of what his life will be like as a sober person. Many people with significant drink problems will die a drunk's death before they reach that point. Sorry to be blunt but that's the truth. Other people with serious drink problems can stop drinking for a few weeks/months but then go on a complete blow-out for a few days/weeks/months, and then just continue drifting between drunk and sober. That's what my ex has been doing for the last few years since we split.

You may find that Al-Anon can help you. Al-Anon is the "friends and family" offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous. The thing to remember about Al-Anon is not that they'll teach you ways to get the drunk person sober. That's not something within your control. Instead, Al-Anon can help you learn ways to reduce the effects that their drinking is having on your happiness. Worrying about their health, worrying about what they're up to when they're drunk, worrying about what other people think if their drinking etc etc etc is horrible to live through and can become overwhelming.

His drinking is his responsibility. It is no reflection on you. Your health and happiness is your responsibility. Your son's health and happiness is also your responsibility as your partner has effectively abdicated his role in that by drinking so much, so often. I met some people through Al-Anon who have managed to maintain a relationship with the alcoholic in their lives while emotionally detaching from the bad effects of the drinking.

I also met some other people in Al-Anon who realised that there wasn't enough left of their relationships to make it worth continuing. The lying, secrecy, selfishness, idiocy, embarrassment and so on that often comes with alcohol abuse has a long-term corrosive effect on relationships.

But Al-Anon doesn't suit everyone. It was useful to me for a time, not least to realise that I wasn't the only one facing this kind of thing, but it wasn't the whole answer for me. I found one-to-one counselling (organised via my GP) much more useful in the long term. There is also a very good book called Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie which talks a lot about getting ones attention off of the problem drinker in our lives and putting that attention back on us. It's very, very easy to lose "us" when in a relationship such as this and that's when we get paralysed and not know what to do for the best.

Have you talked to any friends or family about this?

[dragonfly00]

Hi Snorbs

Thanks for all that, when I read what other people say I feel like a fake that I am making too much of the but in truth is someone is drinking atleast 2 bottles of strong wine and once the get beyond 3 they will not stop drinking until they are incoherent, falling down, that's an alholic right?

I have had 1 to 1 counselling for my own demons a few years ago and co-dependancy did feature, so I am familiar with this.

I feel pretty hopeless right now.

[citronella]

dragonfly,

In my opinion alcoholism can take diiferent forms. I think it's about the 'relationship' you have with it. My ex would never ever drink drive. so if he needed to go out in the car he would make sure he had did his errands before lunchtime then he could crack open the beer/wine. Once he started (sometimes as early as 10.30am if there was any drink in the house)I could be sure he wouldn't stop before it ran out.
Buying wine in advance "for christmas" was pointless it would be gone in a day.
If I made any comment about it it was me be a boring f*er or sometimes I would get asked to go to the shops for him for some beers. And I went to a) avoid a row and b)in the hope he might drink himself to sleep and I wouldn't have to have sex that night.

Do you recognise any of these traits in you or him?

Seriously don't try to tackle it on your own. You can't. Go to your GP and start with some counselling for you. It might help you decide your next steps.

[Snorbs]

A typical bottle of wine is about 9 or 10 units of alcohol. If he's averaging two bottles a night then he's doing upwards of 130 units a week. And that's just the stuff you know about - people with drink problems often go to quite extraordinary lengths to hide their drinking. After my ex moved out I found empty vodka miniatures hidden away in the most unlikely places.

"Alcoholic" means different things to different people. It's undeniable that he's drinking a huge and dangerous amount of alcohol. People quibble over whether the weekly limit should be 24, 28 or 35 units for a man but regularly drinking well over a hundred units? That's serious. It's so much that he may well have at least some Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms if he stops so he'd need to talk to his GP.

You may not have much hope of changing his drinking but that's because you cannot control other people's choices. He's choosing to drink like this; or, at least, he's choosing not to do anything about it. Your choice is whether this is good enough for you or not. You do have hope of a good, happy and fulfilling life regardless of what he does (or doesn't do) about his drink problems because your happiness is down to you.

[dragonfly00]

What do you mean, sorry I am new to this.

[SueMunch]

Hi Dragonfly

In your post you don't say on what level you have spoke to your partner but I'm guessing you have tried.

You should be clear - it is impacting on:

Your relationship

His health

Your finances

and most importantly, your Son.

He needs to wake up and face the fact - there is only one place this pattern of drinking will end up - with him broke, alone and possibly very ill.

Some on here will push AA straight away and this is a helpful option. But has he considered help in order to modify his drinking?

There are several programmes available. Why I don't suggest AA immediately is that the fear of having to stop drinking completely can put people off even trying to go to a meeting.

Good luck

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

dragonfly

Not all alcoholics drink out of paper bags nor even drink every single day.

Both your son and you will end up being dragged down by your partner's alcoholism if you are not already. The signs are not good and your partner's primary relationship is at present with drink. Everything and everyone else is coming last.

You need to remember the 3cs with regards to alcoholism:-

You DID NOT CAUSE this
You CANNOT control this
You CANNOT cure this

There are no guarantees here; he could lose everything and still drink. You are not responsible for him.

He has to want to help his own self here; you as his partner cannot help him. Infact you're the last person who can help him and I do not mean that at all unkindly as this is fact. You can only help your own self here along with your child.

Making him go to AA will ultimately fail; doing this only and primarily because you say so will backfire.

You have a choice ultimately re your partner - your son has no say. Being brought up in a household with an alcoholic parent is no picnic at all for the children who see this (and your 9 nine year is undoubtedly all too aware of what is happening). This will affect him markedly if it is not already.

If you cannot leave for you then think of your son here and what all this is doing for him. He's learning from you both here.

You write about co-dependency; this is also seen along with alcoholism too. "Co-dependency no more" is indeed a good book.

Do seek support for your own self; Al-anon are there to help family members of problem drinkers. They also publish some very good literature.

[dragonfly00]

the problem is because he is a "functioning Alcoholic" in his words he gets up and goes to work each day,so it is ok. I have suggested therapy and AA but he will not consider either, he does not have a problem, everyone drinks loads don't they. Unfortunately he has always been addicted to something but for the past few years it happens to be drink. I was also once an alcoholic and I suppose it makes me really judgemental (I can control so why can't he) just wish he would grow and face reality

[Jeminthecellar]

Another thing to think about is where partners co-enable each other.

[Jeminthecellar]

Dragonfly- if you were ONCE an alcoholic, then you still are. It's not something you can stop being.

I am not being mean- I am an alcoholic...but I am in recovery. Doesn't mean I'm not an alcoholic though- see?

You are either in recovery or still active.

[MIFLAW]

I know this will be ignored or get the response, "yes, but ..." but I'll give my advice anyway.

AA.

There it is.

I used to be a functioning alcoholic too. Sadly, there is no sort of "Generation game" test for alcoholics where, if you turn up for work every day, Brucie gives you a pat on the back and a cuddly toy. The functioning thing is irrelevant.

What matters is the second word - the one beginning with "A".

Lots of functioning alcoholics die, top themselves or just destroy their families on a daily basis. I imagine that, at this point, the word "functioning" is not the comfort it once was.

[MIFLAW]

Incidentally, the reason I "push AA straight away" is because I have yet to see an alcoholic succeed using anything but.

[dragonfly00]

I drank because I was in a violent relationship and used alcohol as a crutch it then became a habit. I can take it or leave now, I enjoy a good drink when I am in the mood some times I even get a bit drunk. I certianly not dependant on alcohol, unusual for someone who once found themselves drinking brandy @ 7.30 one morning I agree but I think I am not the norm.

[dragonfly00]

By the way Miflaw I used the "functioning" ironically, I agree with what you are saying, this expresiion is used by people who are in denial

[MIFLAW]

I know the people who use the word "functioning".

I was one of them.

I am now in recovery in AA.

But, if your husband is using it non-ironically, he needs it pointing out to him that whether you function or not is not the issue.

In denial or not, the term is also used by some alcoholics who genuinely ARE functioning, at least temporarily. The point is, functioning won't protect you from the true miseries of alcoholism.

I would be willing to talk to you or him about my own experience if you think it would help.

[verytellytubby]

Good luck. Until he admits to a problem there is no way he will stop drinking. I feel sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you get help as my husband did.

We managed to save our relationship with therapy and he went to rehab (for a drug problem but it went hand in hand with alcohol).

I drink as I like a glass of wine in the evenings, my husband drank to oblivion as he was scared of his issues and depression. With help you can overcome it but YOU can't do it for him. Watch the effect it has on your children. My 7 year old has seen too much but they now have a brilliant relationship.

[Lifegoeson]

Ask your mum how she thinks the drunks drinking in the doorways got there, they weren't born there! - Anyone that's got to AA knows there weren't far off from that and acted on it...

[Snorbs]

The thing about a lot of "functioning" alcoholics is that they carry on fooling themselves and others, often for years and years, right up until the time when they can't function any more and the whole house of cards comes crashing down.

Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse and worse and worse until or unless the alcoholic chooses to do something about it.

It took my ex two years to go from "functioning alcoholic" to someone who has lost relationships, lost their children, had several detoxes in hospital, had alcohol withdrawal seizures, an (unsuccessful) stay in rehab, and is incapable of keeping even a part-time job for long. It's really sad to see but, if I'm honest, I'm bloody glad I'm now a distant bystander to all this rather than as being closely involved as I used to be.

[SueMunch]

MIFLAW - if the comment about 'pushing AA straight away' upset you then I am sorry.

What I was trying to express was the fact that people will often be in such denial about their drinking problem that AA - and the idea of giving up drinking completely - is too frightening to consider.

To admit you are powerless over alcohol is a huge step. I don't want to turn this into an argument as I was trying to help the OP.

But some drinking problems emerge as a bi-product of depression - which is why the NHS provides counselling for dual-diagnosis patients - people who turn to alcohol as a way of coping with mental heath problems.

I'm not suggesting that the OPs partner has such problems but I would suggest talking to her GP and getting advice. Her partner is dismissing the AA route.

[dragonfly00]

Thanks for everyone comments, it seems that what I say or do will make no difference he has make the decision to do something about. I was so happy last might because I thought after coming back from my Italian class he had only drunk 1 bottle of wine but this morning only to find out he has been drinking Brandy. Something has changed recently, he is now becomining more devious, perhaps because I have become more critical and driven him to hide it.