I know I'm wrong but I wish someone would understand

[CaresMildly]

This is a bit complicated but I did something which annoyed my BIL. DH works for his sister (BIL is her husband). BIL sent me an insulting email and then lied about a contract I had with his organisation so I lost a chunk of my income.

The whole situation would probably not have arisen but for the fact that we had a baby last year, so I cut back my working to do full time childcare.

After the baby I had PND and I missed DH so much when he wasn't there.

Since BIL sent the email and I lost my job DH and I have been having relationship counselling, because if we had been communicating better since DD arrived perhaps none of this would ahve happened.

Anyway, I am seem trapped in this pit whereas DH wants to move on and is getting fed up with me. The counsellor is good but she says DH is right and his attitude of not saying anything to BIL and going on as normal is right and better than mine.

I know they're right but it hurts so much. DH, BIL and SIL all carry on as normal. BIL gets to insult me and tell lies about me and I just have to live with it??

I don't know what to do or how to "move on". WFT does it mean anyway?

[Chickenshavenolips]

What did you do to your BIL?

[CaresMildly]

I asked my husband to come home early from a social event he and bil were at.

[Chickenshavenolips]

Hardly crime of the century. Can you explain a bit more about BIL losing the contract for you? What happened?

[WouldYouCouldYouWithaGoat]

bil sounds like a charmer. is this the same sil and bil who bought a go cart?

[eandz]

i'm in a sticky place like that myself.

Dh's best friend and cousin (raised in the same house since birth) decided to insult me quite publicly (at our favorite restaurant) he screamed all sorts of horrible things and my dh just sat there. I just sat there (I'd never been yelled at like that before, I had no clue what to do.) The humiliation I still feel when I go down that street is still with me, and the dread that I feel for his side of the family always expecting me to bury it and take the abuse makes me sick.

No one has apologized, they always say the same thing 'how do we move forward from here'... I just can't. And I wont. I refuse to let the bullying/intimidating behavior slide.

Recently, members of the family have been taking turns trying to get me to 'let it slide' because they don't believe this family member of theirs could be capable of acting this way towards me. It happened though, there isn't an eraser for things that happen. You can ignore some things, and some things are just too big to hide and ignore. For me, (I was still a new bride at the time, adjusting to a new life in the UK) this was unacceptable to say the least.

Nothing has solved the problem, but my husband has (on his own) stopped talking to his cousin because he see's how depressed I became after the incident.

Everyone on dh's side keeps telling me to forgive it and forget it, and some of them actually tell me not to get between my husband and his friendship with his cousin. I'm not to blame though.

I think it's ok to hold onto things until all relevant parties understand and appreciate what you've gone through. I also think that it's unhealthy to torment you and pretend like you're the only one with the problem.

Does your husband not believe you?

[CaresMildly]

I'll try and keep it clear but it is a bit complicated.

As I said DH works for his sister. SIL and BIL decided they wanted to get into go-karting. So they bought a go-kart and then announced that DH would be the driver. This would involve weekends away, as well as time working on the thing. I was not happy from the start and told DH.

DH wanted to do it so was happy to agree with SIL that he deserved a hobby and I was selfish for trying to stop him.

Anyway after many many argurments DH agreed to do just one race this year and then leave it for a year or so until DD was older.

However, he came home on the Sat and tried to persuade me to change my mind, that he would take off Mon and Tues if he'd been racing, that he'd be around more to help with DD and what have you. Basically I told him I didn't believe him.

Next morning when he left at 6.30am I asked him not to go. By midday I was fuming and really angry. I felt there was no point being married if someone's hobby was more important than being with me and DD. So I rang DH up and told him he had to choose between me, DD and dog or SIL, BIL and go-kart. If he didn't choose us then I was leaving.

He did come home thank goodness and we started trying to rebuild our relationship, inclucing the counselling because obviously we did have a problem for things to have got that far.

However, BIL then sent me this email telling me never to talk to him at work again as he couldn't bear my actions, that I was worthless and the only good thing I'd done was have the good fortune to marry DH. That I owed everythign I had to him and that no-one else in the family liked me.

My work was to produce a member newsletter for his organiation, a few days later he felt there had been a misunderstanding in our (verbal) agreement and he no longer required me to do the newsletter and the last payment for the year would not be made.

I hope that's clear, it feels so bloody stupied writing it down but it's what happened.

[JeremyVile]

Why are you so against dh doing the go-karting?
And I didn't quite understand, is the go-karting a business or just a hobby he shares with sil and bil?

[WouldYouCouldYouWithaGoat]

jeremy you need to read the last thread.

op - you dh needs to get a new job (easier said than done i know)

[QuintessentialShadows]

You sound very down.
How old is your dd?

My husband works long hours, and he has a hobby. A few weeks ago he spent 4 days cycling from the east coast to the west coast. He spends a lot of time working on his bikes (he has tree...) He really enjoys cycling. I dont think I could possibly ask him not to do it.

It occurs to me that you are both very dependent on your inlaws for work. Do you have any other job? Or are you a sahm?

[eandz]

what does your husband think of the situation exactly? has he not told your bil to not speak to you disrespectfully?

my inlaws don't like me either. it's ok though, because after spending the past 3 years trying to be nice, i realize that they don't want to be liked either. so i'll stop trying and be happy with me, dh and our son.

[JeremyVile]

And how did dh react to the email bil sent you?

[allaboutme]

It does sound more like your issue is with DH rather than SIL and BIL, so you seem to be on the right track with the counselling with DH and letting things lie with SIL and BIL tbh.

It was presumptious of SIL and BIL to expect your DH to be the driver when they bought into the go karting set up, especially as it would take up so much of his time when you had a newborn baby and were suffering from PND.
But it was your DH's place to say that he couldnt spare the time, sorry.
It sounds like your DH did try to compromise by saying every weekend he raced he would be home with you Monday and Tuesday instead but he didnt get a chance to prove it.

Keep up with the counselling and try and move forward if you can.
Good luck.

[allaboutme]

Email BIL sent was totally shitty of course BUT presuming no previous trouble between you all, from his point of view he had spent fortune on go kart and your DH willingly agreed to drive it in competitions, only to be dragged home half way through one by your ultimatum. He would have lost a lot of money, seemingly for no reason if he didnt know about the PND and the trouble between you and DH iyswim

[CaresMildly]

I'll try to answer your questions:

• dd is 16 months now
• I have nothing against DH having a hobby but I think it is a bad time to take it up when you have a small child
• I had my own business which I sold when DD was born so I could be with her. I had one freelance contrct with BIL and was planning on carrying on that kind of work with other organisations
• SIL asked DH to come and work for her a few years ago, my work for BIL just sort of happened because he needed the member newsletter and that's my line of work, it was more happy (!) coincidence than anything else
• DH says he's not happy but doesn't want to lose his job. He has not said anything to BIL

[CaresMildly]

allaboutme - please tell me how to move on? What do I do exactly?

[QuintessentialShadows]

Can you set up your own business again, or ensure you get more work, so you and your dh are not so dependent on your inlaws?

you sound resourceful enough. But at the moment, if he leaves his job, and lets face it, it is a bad climate for jobhunting, and you have no work, what are you going to do for a living?

[eandz]

caresmildly

does your dh think that if he brings up how you feel with your bil his job might be threatened?

do YOU feel like your husband is doing the right things, saying the right things to make you feel any better between the two of you with regards to the interference of your bil/sil and the go karting?

[CaresMildly]

Yes, I'm in the middle of setting things up again for myself so that side of things is taken care of.

It's the hurt that I can't get over. BIL insulsted me and lied about me. I have to move on. I don't know how. I want things right between me and DH but when I get upset I feel he's getting bored about me saying the same things over and again.

[macdoodle]

Hmmm the relate counsellor sounds crap crap crap - it is not their job to side with one party and make the other feel bad - and if he is manipulating the counsellor to do so, I would be worried, find another counsellor!!

But that may just be my paranoid oversensitve EA/shit men sensor playing up

[CaresMildly]

eandz - sorry I'm a few posts behind you!

DH says it would make things unpleasant at work if he and BIL fall out. BIL and SIL both have their businesses at the same place.

Logically I know DH is right and I'm wrong, but I feel so low.

[QuintessentialShadows]

He is your brother in law. You dont have to like him. Just accept that you cant get on with every one.

I dont get on with my mil. She cant stand me. She complained to dh that I was a rude princess who did not thank her appropriately for ironing our kids clothes. I thanked her, just not enough. I had not expected her to do our laundry. My point is, you dont chose your inlaws, and they are as likely to bitches/bastards as nice and decent people. So please dont give it headspace, and try not engage with them.

[Snowtiger]

CaresMildly, this is a horrible situation for you and you're clearly upset by it. It's not my place to say who I think is right or wrong, and in a way that doesn't really matter (bear with me - I'm not saying your hurt doesn't matter, just that the ins and outs of it are often not the point, if you see what I mean.)

My own experience of things like this is that other people want you to 'move on' because they can't cope with the bad feeling, but also don't have the balls to apologise. You could say to them "I'll move on when I get a sincere apology" but TBH it sounds like you could be waiting for a long time, and if you're stewing about it for a long time while waiting for an apology, that's not going to do you, your DD or your relationshp with DH any good at all.

My advice to you, if you want it, is to find a way of moving on for your own sake, not your BIL's or anyone else's. Forgiveness is something that you do for your own sake, not for anyone else's - and for me the time to forgive / move on is when you're so sick to effing death of carrying around the emotional burden of hating them / feeling hard done by / stewing over their lack of apology that you just think 'fuck it, had enough, you don't deserve this amount of my energy.'

Forgiving him / them and moving on doesn't mean that what they did was right, or that you condone it, or that you were wrong. Not at all. What it does mean is that you can no longer be arsed to waste your energy on them or the situation, and you'd rather put your energy into your DD, your relationship with your DH, and finding work with people who appreciate your skills, have proper written contracts, and abide by them.

If you can get to a point where you can think 'fuck 'em, not worth my energy' and let it go, it's like putting down a HUGE bag of crap that you've been carrying. Makes you feel lighter, and easier, and gives you more energy for the good things in life. Like I say, doesn't mean they were right, just means you can't be arsed to waste your precious time and energy on them / the situation any more.

I hope that helps - it's always helped me when I've managed to get to that point, although sometimes it does take a while to get there.

[JeremyVile]

Well, dh is in the wrong not to have pulled up bil about the shitty email. He absolutely should be on your side on that even if you are in disagreement over other things.
It sounds like bil was thoroughly frustrated with you - not that that excuses the horrible things he wrote, but it does sound like he was at the end of his tether (unless he is just a generally mean person?).
I'm sorry but I'm still confused about the go-karting, you keep referring to it as a hobby but it also sounds like a business venture that he's a part of.
If its a hobby then I think it really depends on how much time he spends away from home on it, he is entitled to have outside interests and free time - just as you are.
If its a business and he is doing it as part of his job then I really dont think your beef is with sil and bil - dh has to have agreed to be the driver? So then the issue is that he has failed to communicate with you over it before he agreed to it, unless you only changed yor mind once it had began?
I do feel for you, it sounds like you are struggling and ideally dh would just get a job elsewhere if you fel there can be no resolution but tbh its v hard to say whether you are expecting too much as it does sound like you are being fairly demanding and controlling and this is impacting on his work. I know I am only going by what you've written and you might be absolutely correct that the go-karting is a bad idea.
Really it comes down to whether or not you and dh can decide together how to proceed. Its no good making demands and issuing ultimatums if he totally disagrees with you, even if he gives in he's going to be resentful.

[eandz]

Caresmildly

take your time, with responding to me. I just feel so bad for you, and a little worried about you feeling unsupported by your husband. But I feel like your bil is an ass to everyone equally? Is that why your husband feels like he can't talk to him about the lying and the horrible email?

were you able to show him the email?

[CaresMildly]

JeremyVile - SIL employs DH to do a job that he is very good at. She pays for him to do that Mon-Fri.

As a hobby she decided to buy a go-kart. She then announced that DH was driver - I was there when it happened and know that DH was astonished.

DH and I have a small baby, for him to be free at weekends to do this hobby means I have to take on 100% of the childcare.

DH and I know that we handled it badly which is why we're having counselling.

My question isn't about whether DH should do go-karting as a hobby or not. It's how I deal with a situation when the 3 other players don't want to recognise my feelings or just want me to move on.

SnowTiger - your post is great. I will re-read it but thank you, that does sound like a way forward.

EandZ - I didn't say I was sorry for your own similar experience, but I am and it was nice of you to share it.