Should I take DD and leave? A bit long sorry

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

Not really sure where to start but here goes. H has been ill for the last 6 weeks with re occurring chest infection and now he has a bad cold ? it is bad not just ?man flu?. I took DD out all yesterday and again this morning and when we got back H was up out of bed. He suggested a walk in the park as he wanted to get some fresh air. I agreed to go (somewhat reluctantly as had been at the park already). We were meeting up with PIL?s who had my 2 nieces with them. When we got there H asked if we were going to walk up to the indoor animal house thing we have in our park and I said I didn?t really fancy it (it stinks!) He turned on me and shouted (really shouted) if you don?t want to be here fuck off home or put your fucking face straight? Was a bit shocked at his overreaction and asked him to please not speak to me like that.

After we had been to the park we had agreed to go back to his mum and dads so the kids could play for a bit longer. When we got there he asked me to take him back home as he was not feeling well again and wanted to go to bed. I said that I wished he had mentioned this before we got there. He then flipped and said ? if you don?t want to fucking go don?t.? I tried to explain that now I had promised DD she could go and play then I would have to take her. He then went on to say ?shut up shut up shut your fucking fat ugly face I?m feeling like shit and I just want to go home. Just shut up and fucking take me home?

I?m really shocked by his outburst. I dropped him off at home. He used my keys to get on and came back to give me the keys where he started shouting really loud about how crappy he was feeling. I just started to drive off with the door still open as he was standing in it and e backed off and went into the house. DD was in the car throughout this outburst and asked me why daddy had been shouting so loudly. I told her he wasn?t feeling very well and off we went to PIL?s. We had been there about 10 mins when he phoned and apologised for shouting and calling me names

At the moment I don?t really know how I feel. I?m a bit numb. This is NOT his usual behaviour but he is not the calmest person in the world. He also suffers from hypertension and his blood pressure has been high recently.

I don?t know if I should pack a bag and take DD to my mums. We have been married 10 years. I?m thinking I should maybe sleep on this and see how I feel in the morning. What does anyone think? What would you do? I?m off to put DD to bed now but will be back later so please advise. I really don?t know if I should just chuck away 10 years of marriage or hang in and try and sort it out. I?m feeling really sad now. Starting to cry so back in a bit??.

[Alambil]

I would go to your mums - not forever, but to make a stand that you WILL NOT be spoken to like that; not a "please don't" but "don't you dare to ever do that again in all your days".

[DutchGirly]

I am really not great at advice but I did not want to feel all alone.

I think your H was VERY wrong for his outburst, he knows he was in the wrong as he has apologised for it.

What did you PIL think about his behaviour by the way?

I can really understand you are shocked by his behaviour, no way would I be spoken to that either. I would sleep on it, try to have a nice bath, read a book or something else to help you to relax.

I am sure you will feel better in the morning after a good night sleep.

I think his blood pressure may be high partly because he is stressed, he certainly sounds like he is under a lot of stress at the moment. However, this is not an excuse to treat you like this.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Of course you should go! You are lucky to have a mum nearby who can have you. Start packing. It is not necessarily the end of your marriage but don't stay in the house when you have been spoken to like that. Pack enough to stay for a few days. Make a stand.

[FabIsLosingThePlot]

I think you should tell him to go to the GP tmw and you go and have an adventure (as sold to your dd) and stay at your mums for a bit.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

He is ill. He is not behaving normally. Take him to the doctor. Get him sorted out and well.

If you were acting out because you were ill and you're husband left you what would you think of him?

That said, if his unacceptable behaviour continued and he did nothing about it then you should leave.

Dramatics from you as well as him won't help things.

[Tortington]

he is v. ill.
you are probably exausted.

i think these are mitigating circumstances. if he hasn't behaved like this before - why would you walk out now?

I find this reaction v. hard to understand. He was definatley wrong, absolutley wrong to speak to you like that. It's hardly grounds for moving out unless this is his normal behaviour. I am flabberghasted that you think it should be, i am more flabberghasted that other women are supporting you to do this.

[DutchGirly]

You can always go to your mums just this evening, you don't have to stay overnight if it is near you.

If your DD is asleep, would you leave her with your H since he is sick or would you take her with you?

I do think you have to make it absolutely clear it is unacceptable to speak to you like this.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

He's not that ill. He was well enough to go out then changed his mind. He can take himself to the doctors, he is not a child.

She doesn't need to put up with this shit! She should go to her mums and have a break from him. Bollocks to him.

[teatank]

is he taking steroids for his chest infections. because these make people have really bad mood swings and aggressive behaviour. i am not trying to justify his behaviour it is unacceptable but if this is quite new behaviour it could have something to do with medication.

[blinks]

in the darkest moments of our relationship both my husband and i have properly lost it at each other and shouted our tits off.

if he's never done this before and you've been together for 10 years, leaving him alone whilst properly ill is a bit much but absolutely make it clear how hurt you are by his outburst and how you will be forced to let him get on with it himself if he did it again.

a trip to his GP to explain that he's unusually irritable and requires urgent assessment, sounds reasonable.

has he been diagnosed with anything beyond a re-occuring chest infection? sounds like this may need investigating. is he taking meds for his high BP?

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

Thanks everyone. Still not sure what i'm going to do. The only reason i have been thinking about going is because i think to myself what is going on in his had for him to say this. I have been ill myself recently - i've been depressed and have also had swine flu and saying this sort of abusive stuff never crosses my mind.

I need to calm down and have a good talk to him i think. I need to know if he is really still in love with me or has he lost all respect for me and just thinks its ok to be verbally abusive as he doesn't care anymore.

I know i need to make sure he really understands that this is totally unacceptable.

[blinks]

good suggestion teatank, hadn't thought of that.

[mablemurple]

Has anyone on this thread ever spoken to their partner this way when they were ill?? It's no excuse at all. And ffs 'Take him to the doctor. Get him sorted out and well.' He's an adult. It's not a woman's responsibility to 'take' her partner to the doctor, he can do that himself.

That said, if this is totally out of character for him there must be some reason behind the outburst, which you won't discover by going to your mum's. I think you need to talk with him to find out what the problem is.

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

yes he is taking meds for his bp but think another trip to gp might be in order. he isn't on steroids for his chest infection but he is taking some very strong antibiotics.

[mablemurple]

just to clarify - ill will flu/infection/cold, not depression or other mental health issues.

[LynetteScavo]

I agree with Custardo - is he stressed about work as well; I presume he's been off quite a bit lately?

Sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning. I think you both need some TLC.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

Actually I suspect plenty of people on this internet forum have spoken to their partner that way when ill. There are several mental health and PND threads running with more being added every day. How disgusted would we be with someone who walked out on their sick wife and took their child?

A marriage is a partnership. Sometimes you need to look after each other. It's a fact that married men are healthier because their wives make sure they go to the doctor. There has been an occasion where I was really unwell (physically) but kept on ploughing on and it took my DH to point out to me that I needed to get it sorted because I hadn't appreciated the cumulative effect.

If he's been ill for a long time he's probably depressed. And depressed people are ill and behave oddly and sometimes have little idea how extreme their behaviour has become.

No one has said that the way this man behaved was right. But I think Custardo and myself are quite right to suggest a bit of perspective.

[mablemurple]

As I said, not depression or other mental health issues. And I have never spoken to my partner in this way when I have been ill, neither has he to me.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

x-posted with the bit you added mablemurple.

If he's been ill for 6 weeks it is quite possible he is depressed too. When I first posted I thought that was an obvious assumption to make - but perhaps not.

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

H not stressed about work as he is a sahd (although i know that can be v stressful but with dd at school now he is enjoying his time to organise his working day to fit his own schedule) he has been depressed in the past so could be starting up again as he is poorly. I'm not going to go and leave him when he needs me but i do think he needs to realise how much this has upset me and that we need to find a better way for him to get his point across. he has always been a little bit shouty (family trait) but this is a first at this sort of level of nastiness.

i'm really grateful for all your points of view. i really didn't know how to handle this.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

"How disgusted would we be with someone who walked out on their sick wife and took their child?"

I wouldn't be at all disgusted if a man took his child to someone else's house for the night if his wife spoke to him like op's dh spoke to her. I'd say how awful for you that your partner treated you this way - you deserve a break from her.

Make a point. You do not have to negotiate with him on this issue. He can be sorry and you can make up - but this is VERY serious and please op do not be made to feel guilty if you cannot forgive him instantly.

I disagree with you jamm (obviously).

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

Thanks bibbity. I am already feeling a bit guilty because i don't want to just say OK you are poorly don't worry - it has really upset me. thanks for your post

[blinks]

i would say just be honest.

don't try to formulate the perfect thing to say to him, just tell him how upset you are and how torn you feel and see what happens.

[theworldsgoneDMmad]

Good god.

Well, this is what his behaviour says to me:

He will ask you a question (about the animal house) to which you are entitled to your feelings upon yet he will consider one of the answers to be "wrong"

"put your fucking face straight" = "look happy with me in public regardless of your feelings because mine are more important"

?shut up shut up shut your fucking fat ugly face" - does he really think you're ugly or is it just simpler to use against you to make you do what he wants?

"Just shut up and fucking take me home? = again, "your feelings aren't important to me because you are just a taxi service.

It may not be as black and white as that but in a way, I do hope that there's some deep rooted psychological explanation because if my DP spoke to me like that, it would not only be the end of our days but the end of his!

Unfortunately I think that would be a very rare reaction to illness and I must agree that there should be no negotiation here: don't ask not to be spoken to like that, insist on it.

[NanaNina]

BBT - is this really the first time that he your H has behaved liked this in 10 years or has this sort of been coming on and you are realizing that it can't go on like this - I just wasn't sure from your post.

If your H really is acting out of character then maybe it is reasonable for you to try to understand what is behind this changed behaviour. Could it be that he is anxious or afraid about his health and is secretly worrying that he has something awful and is unable to control his emotions. This could be going on for him at a subconscious level of course and it may need some exploring to get to the heart of the matter. Is your H capable of this kind of rational discussion as I know a lot of men just aren't willing to engage on this level.

I am not trying to excuse his behaviour which was wholly unacceptable and bullying and should not be tolerated. To be honest not quite sure what going to your mom's is going to achieve - do you?

The obvious thing is to try to discuss with him how hurt you were and make it clear that yu are looking for some explanation for his intimidating behaviour. You mentioned depression but in my experience depressed feelings do not result in anger because your don't usually have the energy when depressed do you. Is it possible he is angry with himself for some reason and is projecting this on to you - something we all do, but I think men have quite a marked tendency for this.

You don't say what the dynamic of your relationship is usually like. Is he the more dominant partner or are you usually on an equal footing. Sorry to be asking so many questions but was just wondering along these lines.

Anyway hope you can get some rest and eventual resolution.