I've lurked here throughout my pregnancy and now, with my baby 6 weeks old, I'm posting for the first time...
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for four years. It has always been a very intense relationship, partly because of our personalities and partly because our relationship has faced external pressures. But we've always been madly in love. I broke up with him a couple of years ago for two weeks and he tried everything to win me back. I was so confused because I loved him but our relationship was so difficult and, with hindsight, I appreciate gave him very mixed messages - sometimes I would sleep with him and we behaved like a couple, other times I would bristle when he touched me and would tell him that we were definitely not getting back together. He now says he felt like I was playing with his feelings and had no intention of getting back together with him.
One night I had one or two too many drinks at dinner with my mother and called him up. He was out with his sister and a couple of friends, drowning his sorrows. I completely lost my temper and screamed abuse at him down the phone - I felt like I'd lost my friendship group, I suppose, but this didn't translate. I just screamed at him that I never wanted to see him again, EVER, and gave him a whole load of shit. Well, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. A girl who we now know is very promiscuous, very forward with men, and will stop at nothing to have as many notches on her bed post as possible, approached him and chatted with him all night. She told him how hot he was and how much she wanted him but also sympathetically listened while he and his sister talked about our relationship and his love for me.
When we got back together we never talked about what specifically happened - he just insisted they didn't have sex. He stopped texting her and seeing her and soon forgot all about her, although when I first told him I'd like us to get back together, he said that he wanted to carry on hanging out with her too because she made him feel good about himself. It was like he didn't want to let go of this new fun lifestyle of going out and getting pissed and he wanted to be worshipped. I remember being devastated about this and told him he'd have to choose, which he did. After that, he quite embarrassed by the whole thing and when we later broke up a second time - six months later - he didn't return to her or anybody else...
However, for whatever reason, I felt I really needed to know what had happened and brought it all up a few weeks ago. He didn't want to go over any of the details - I suppose because he could see I was upset - but said that the first night they met they had started to have sex and then he realised it was a mistake and said, "what the fuck am I doing?" and stopped. After that, he said she "didn't get what she wanted" but he did go to a party with her and met her on another occasion. This all happened over the space of about 3 days and then we got back together and he phoned her to say he wouldn't be seeing her again.
But I can't get over it. I know it happened so long ago and I am as certain as you can ever be that he would never cheat on me and I know he regrets it deeply...but I just can't stop imagining them having sex. It's making me resent him and that is ridiculous because we have been so, so happy - our relationship was perfect throughout my pregnancy and first few weeks with DS, until I raised these issues. How do people get over affairs within relationships?! Because I can't even deal with this - it's eating up my self-esteem.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Can't get over it...
thisxgirl · 07/09/2009 11:35
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