DH announced this morning he doesn't think I am coping!

[domesticallychallenged]

He is going away for 4 days next week and asked me this morning if I was going to ask either my mum or his mum over to help (we've 3 children, 6, 3 & 13 weeks) - I said I didn't think I needed any help as I would be able to cope. He then replied "oh but you're so not coping, I work my arse off when I get in from work!"

I was a bit speechless! He does help out, he is a hands on dad but I had no idea he felt caring for his children was "working his arse off"

Our house is far from a show house, it is lived in but clean, reasonably clutter free. I cook meals every night for the children and DH and I.

I tend to put the children in the bath, he comes home from work and will finish the bath while I sort out the baby. DS is going through a daddy stage at the moment so he tends to do his bedtime while I sit downstairs with DD1 listen to her read while I breast feed DD2. I do bedtime with DD1 and DD2 and then come back down and do supper for DH and I.

In the morning he gets up first while I breastfeed DD2 in bed. When I come down he's normally made coffee, got bowls out for the older children and fed the cat.

Not quite seeing where the "working my arse off" is tbh! Or am I being unreasonable. We have 3 children I think he should expect to do somethings with his children when he gets home from work shouldn't he? Feeling really about his whole attitude!

[wastingmyeducation]

"I'll get Mum to help out with the bits you do after work love. She won't mind, it's not that much work after all."

If he thinks he's making an important contribution, perhaps he thinks you need someone to do those jobs?

[EvenBetaDad]

Maybe try and look at what he said in a more positive light. He is worried about you and he is going away for 4 weeks. He knows he has to help out when he comes home and he is not complaining about doing that. He is just worried that if he is not there to help out you may struggle.

Did he perhaps just express his concern in a bad way?

[Uriel]

Does he expect the pipe and slippers routine after work?! Cos that's what he sounds like.

[pollywobbledoodle]

ok he didn't put it in a very helpful way but you have a fairly new baby and the 2 of you seem to work in tandem to get things done in morning and eve...maybe it was genuine concern

[BlingDreaming]

I don't think he's complaining about what he's doing - he sounds like he's making the point that he does quite a lot and he is concerned that without him there you will struggle. Perhaps he could have chosen better words, but...

And to be honest, I do think it's a little "working your ass off" to come from work and then have to do a lot of chores and kid things. I don't for one minute think that means he shouldn't do it, but I think it's not unreasonable that he sees that as a significant contribution.

Extrapolating wildly here, I'd also suggest the fact that he's not implying you're NOT doing anything makes it clear that he thinks you're both working your assess off.

[domesticallychallenged]

I can see what you're saying Beta but I feel a bit backed into a corner. If I insist I am coping he will ask - why is he doing so much work at home? Alternatively I say I'm not coping (which I have no problem admitting) - but I thought I was doing really well and have been feeling really up beat about well life in general.

He kind of burst my bubble this morning, I am feeling quite deflated that sees me as "So not coping" and that he feels he has to do so much when I thought we were just working together doing the family thing.

I do wonder Uriel!

[domesticallychallenged]

Thanks for your opinions polly and bling maybe I'm being a little super sensitive!

[mamas12]

Hmmm You could say he does recognise that it is a partnership in the morning and evening,you are coping together, as a couple, as a family, so it's not unreasonable to say you will need some support to do what he does at these times. I think maybe it came out wrong there, but yes it is a bit worrying for him to say he is working his ass off, could you ask him if he's tranfering, is he not coping somehow?

[Supercherry]

You sound like you're coping really well and you have a good routine sorted out. You will cope without his help but things would be more hectic so I would accept the offer of help.

He is not working his arse off though- he is finshing the bath and putting one child to bed while you do everything else.

[domesticallychallenged]

That's how I see it too Supercherry, I don't begrudge what I do, I don't want him to do any more I'm just surprised he feels as he does.

[Supercherry]

I have similar issues with my partner- he has no concept of what a SAHM actually does all day because he's never had to do it.

He thinks I sit on Mumsnet all day- quite how this coincides with having a fed, bathed, happy DS and a cleanish house I'll never know!

I don't know how to change my DP's attitude so no advice there I'm afraid but I see exactly where you're coming from.

Maybe your DH is more reasonable than mine and you can have a chat with him later over dinner.

[mayorquimby]

surely he's just following simple logic. at the moment there's a lot to be done and the two of you are managing that together. if it was any other job in the world and you took one person away and left all the work it normally takes two people to get done on the one remaining person, it'd be reasonable to expect that the person left carrying the whole load would need a bit of help.

[Tortington]

"we work as a team to make this family work. if we start apportioning points to the roles we do, then what we are saying is that one person is better than the other. i don't think you are any better or worse than i am, i am sure that you couldn't carry on a career without me, and i couldnt do everything without you, that's why we love each other so much and we can make it work. what we shouldn't do is say that a paid job is more important than the job of full time mother.

now i understand that out of the home, you work hard and have other pressures, i appreciate the help when you get home - i do - but whilst i appreciate it, it is also expected to make this family unit function."

in my house i think i would say " get to fuck you self absorbed bastard"

but i think the first example is probably better

[domesticallychallenged]

Loving it custardo - you've made me smile!!!!! You are right - I see it as a team effort.

He came downstairs last night saying how much he loved putting DS to bed, how they have their special routine - this morning he's saying he's working his arse off doing it!!!

[mamas12]

Custardo wise words, but I repeat does he think he has a problem coping with it all. Turn that comment back on him, You thought you were both coping well until he said that 'working his ass off' comment.
It is a considerate thought if he thinks you do need the help while he is gone and (take the help) but it came out as if he thinks he works too hard!!! Is he not coping.

[domesticallychallenged]

Valid point mama I think I will ask him. You're right he's the one saying it's too much.

[daisybaby]

Perhaps you could point out that you 'let him help' because you thought he enjoyed time with the children?

[mamas12]

I don't mean for you to take up the slack though domesticalltchallenged, don't get me wrong.
He may just need to change his mindet that this is what it is to have a family.
Take the help though, really.

[domesticallychallenged]

Quite daisy!! Unfortunately I thinks he thinks anything he does in the house/with the children is doing me a favour or helping me out, rather than being part of a team called family!!!

[mamas12]

daisybaby 'let him help' really!
This is a partnership and so far it's working well, both pulling their weight wrt the family responsilities. The working his ass off comment is the problem that the op needs to address. Not allowing him to 'offer less help' himself.
Op needs to accept extra help while he is away and then he needs to get back into his family life, he is enjoying it I think, maybe he just had an off day.

[BlingDreaming]

I love my job (mostly - when my boss isn't a twat). Doesn't mean I don't consider it working my ass off.

[daisybaby]

Mamas12 - I quite agree, it obviously is working well, but it's all about perception, isn't it?

[domesticallychallenged]

Thank you all for your opinions and advice. Think we might have a chat tonight!

[katy0793]

Let us know how you get on. I was told i wasn't coping either the other day - it really pissed on my bonfire, i have two sons 20 mnths and 4 months. I thought i was doing a darn site better than coping so feeling very deflated and a little scared if i'm honest. If he thinks I'm not coping then maybe i'm not! Perhaps you can all help actually, my youngest was crying loudly whilst I was putting oldest into pyjamas after they had been bathed. I said "oh shush jakey" quite firmly because it was wearing abit thin. DH thought this was unacceptable and too aggressive. Is it? I am beginning to doubt everything I do to be honest.

[Supercherry]

Katy, only you know if you're coping. If your DH thought you saying 'shush Jakey' was unacceptable then why did he not step in to help with the baby? You obviously had your hands full. The crying is designed to grate and I doubt there is any mother on here who hasn't said similar from time to time.

I'm sure you're doing a fabulous job. I'm sure you're a lovely mother too as you're on here worrying about a little comment like that.

Have you got a sling to pop the baby in while you're dealing with your toddler?