Trying to leave - I'm in meltdown

[HoneyBadger]

I am planning to leave my controlling and manipulative H. It has taken me a long time to realise that this is what is happening in our relationship and that it is not my fault and I am not mentally ill as my DH had tried to convince me (and medical professionals)

I have tried to leave him twice last year by doing the decent thing and talking things over with him and his tactics are to threaten suicide, to drag the children into discussion i.e "we don't want mummy to leave do we" and talk and argue until I am ground into the floor.

He is so clever with words I do not stand a chance.

Yesterday I secretly went to view a property to rent as my only chance to get away is to get a place and do a runner with the children. When I got home H looked at me and said "kiss" pointing at his mouth, I then have to kiss him and be smiley, that's normal.

He then called me into a room away from DD and said I need to know that you love me, there's nothing wrong with our relationship. With a normal person this wolud have been an opportunity to start the I want to leave discussion. But from the past I knew my only chance was to lie to him and say i loved him and that there were issues in the relationship which we had previously dicussed. He skirted over these and said are you planning to leave me because weird things are happening.

Again my blood ran cold and I lied and said no. I could not understand how he had guessed and he would not tell me what had made him ask. He also said have you got a romantic interest - which I haven't.

Having been feeling strong I am now in such a state. I hate the fact that I have lied to him, feel that if I was a stronger person and a better communicator I could handle him. Or done more of what he asked.

I'm about to sign a lease agreement and I'm terrified he will find out. In addition I feel full of disgust at myself for treating him this way and lying due to my own weaknesses.

Please send me some helpful comments if you can!

[GettingaGrip]

Been there got the t-shirt.

Keep strong...don't feel guilty. Just get through it one day at a time. Do you have any support?

Know that he will get very nasty probably...have you called womans' aid?

Keep posting.

xxx

[cmotdibbler]

Talk to Womens Aid - they will support you in leaving and help you do it safely

You aren't weak - just doing what you have to for you and DD

[HoneyBadger]

Thanks both. you're right it is the guilt - it's the work of the devil.

I have been in touch with women's aid, they have given me tips and say I can go into refuge if he gets really nasty. I want to try and avoid that as I don't want to jeopardise my job as I wouldn't be able to go to work from a refuge.

I will try and be strong it so very hard when I really want to treat him with respect but can't. Got to get angry!!

[sleepsforwimps]

Okay firstly you are NOT weak or any of the other words you are using to describe yourself. You are dealing here with a person who is not acting/communicating in a normal way and so you have to get out of this situation in any way that you can. I have been in a similar situation, i wasn't in the relationship for too long and there were no kids involved but i know exactly what you are dealing with here.

I secretly behind his back went and found somewhere to rent, i was going to leave without telling him, but i like you thought it was the right/decent thing to do to tell him the truth. What a mistake. He trapped me upstairs and to cut a long story short i ended up falling (i use that word lightly) down the whole lot backwards because i wouldn't 'go along' with everything he said/wanted me to do as usual. I had finally switched off from him, i would no longer 'do as i was told to' and this was the consequences of that. I wish to god i had just gone without telling him. He had never been physically abusive to me only controlling to a ridiculous degree and verbally abusive everyday, my confidence was in shreds.

You mustn't feel bad in any way for how you get away from him you deserve a million times more, i don't know you but believe me he is the one who needs help. There is no reasoning with someone like this, it took me a while to realise that so please don't try and reason with him about why you are going.

I think you are being so brave and i admire you so much. This is probably going to be the hardest thing you ever do, but you are going to look back and think, thankgod i did it. This is not what life is about, you deserve to be happy and treated with respect, your dhh shold be the first person to try and do both of those things.

Look at this as the first step to a new happy life, have you got any family/ friends you can trust to support you through this?

I'm sending you lots of keep strong vibes.

[HoneyBadger]

Sleepsforwimps I am sitting here with tears running down my face. Your message is just what I need. I have two fabulous parents who are supporting me - they have even read my Lundy Bancroft book!

You're right it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Thanks for your message it really helps when you're mind is all twisted up and you don't know who you are anymore.

[Buda]

I don't have any advice but just wanted to let you know that I am rooting for you. You will get there. There is loads of advice from people on here who unfortunately have first-experience of what you are going through.

Best of luck.

[cheerfulvicky]

Whoa there HoneyBadger - listen to me. You have GIVEN him the opportunity to do this above board, hell knows you have tried twice to move on in an adult and respectful manner. He has made that impossible. He does sound very manipulative and I can completely understand why you have been forced (read that again, forced) into lying about leaving. There is no shame in that, you are strong and wonderful for doing this, and lying is your only real option under the circumstances. For what its worth, if I were in your situation I would do exactly the same thing. Please please don't waste any energy on feeling guilty, he has given you no choice but to do things in this way.

I take it he has no idea where you are moving to? But presumably near enough to continue in your present job, and I presume he knows where you work? I'm a bit useless when it comes to the unknown and tend to lose the plot when dealing with people like your H, but it might help you to have a think about what he may do when he finds out you have left. You know him better than us, so if you anticipate everything he might do, that will enable you to stay strong and also limit the shock value of anything he tries. You'll be expecting it.
Stay angry. Anger is constructive in situations like this, so let your anger keep you strong and resolved and carry you out of there! You deserve to be happy
Let us know how you get on...
x

[sleepsforwimps]

I am so pleased you have your parents to support you , you've got me in tears here i really do know how scared you must be, i was terrified of how my ex was going to be, another one very good with words. In my 'escape plan' my parents were meant to meet me at my new rented accomodation (after months of not telling anyone and cutting myself off from friends i told my parents what he was like which was a huge step as i felt like such a failure) I had to then phone them (after begging him to bring me my phone whilst laying on the floor at the bottom of the stairs) They came and met me as i was stretchered into an ambulance, how they restrained themselves from running him over as they pulled up i will never know (believe me they wanted to) Please, please no matter how old/proud you are let your parents support/look after you when you leave. Because i hurt my back so bad i never made it to my rented accomaodation but moved back with my parents for a while until i got myself back on my feet (mentally and physically) I think they needed to have me around to look after me as much as i needed them. The love and support they gave me helped rebuild my confidence, which i thought was something no-one could knock. I always saw myself as a strong person. But the everyday chipping at your confidence, at who you are, controlling how you act, what you do, will knock the strongest of the strong.

You will feel like your old self again and i can guarantee you that when you get to your new place you won't feel guilt you will feel a massive feeling of relief.

[HoneyBadger]

Thanks sleepsforwimps, your story is quite inspirational and sends shivers down my spine. It has given me some courage to continue and the realisation that although it does not feel natural to deceive and lie, I basically have to!

The escape stories that I have read on this website have really helped to see that I can get away and that probably things won't go to plan.

[Honeyontoast]

As a fellow Honey here I applaud your courage.

I think soon others will be posting about you being an inspiration to them. Your children are very lucky to have such a strong woman as a mother.

Good luck to you.

[sleepsforwimps]

Sometimes in life you have to think of yourself, self preservation is what this is about not about if you are a liar. It is not going to matter if you lie and deceive him , it doesn't change who you are and how you would act in any normal situation with someone acting in a normal way. This is a one off situation where you must do whatever you have to do to get you and your kiddies in a safe environment away from this controlling behaviour, it isn't normal, although when you're in the midst of it i know it becomes the norm. You will look back at how he is and be amazed at what he was like, you won't know whether to laugh or cry about some of the behaviour and what you did to keep him happy. If you're like i was you go along with it to 'keep the peace' or for an easy life, standing up for yourself is pointless with these people, it's always a no win situation.
When you get to your new place you will breath a sigh of relief that your brain can rest. I'm sure your brain is always trying to second guess what he is thinking, what he is going to do/say/how he's going to react to any given situation. This is wrong, it shouldn't be like that, he will make you feel it is you and not him as i believe people as insecure as this actually accuse you of all the things they are themselves. A little observation i have made through the years. Anything he makes you feel bad about is probably actually a reflection of how he feels about himself.

Do you know i don't think you know it but you have actually done the hardest part of all this which is making the decision to leave.

Keep strong, you are stronger than you realise.

[macdoodle]

Another sending strength vibes here, been there done that, before my H had his affair, I was looking at properties like you realising my only way out was to leave, he always refused to and sucked me back in !
Even after his affair and finally getting him out, it has taken me 2 years to break free and file for divorce - you are very brave, and it will be hard (my solictor and the police warned me that it would get much much worse before it got better...they were right) good luck !

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

HoneyBadger

I have written to you before now, I am rooting for you as well.

BTW guilt is a useless emotion!. never feel guilty. He certainly feels neither remorse or guilt for putting you all through what he has.

Attila

[shootfromthehip]

Be strong, be strong, be strong. You KNOW you are doing the right thing. Every time you waver, think of the example you are currently setting for you kids compared to the one that you want to set them. Do it and comforted by the fact that you are doing the right thing for you and you kids.

[stressesmumandwife]

hi, i havent any advice but i know exactly what you have/are going through. im in a marraige like that and i wish i was at the point you are. well done and keep strong!

[cestlavielife]

sounds familiar...you need to plan but also have back up plans.

i found a rental place, signed the lease, started moving stuff there - argos deliveries etc...he suspected but wasn't sure; he found the rental agreement in my bag...

i did say in front of him and family therapist that if he did not move out i would have to..so he had an idea.

i had a date planned with my sisters, friends to move; two weeks before he got up; did his i am so depressed crying thing i love you so much if you move i will kill myself... you cannot move...

later i got dcs ready to go visit my aunt - teling him he could not come as he needed to calm down.

he said you cant go and kicked me then ripped plinth of kitchen cabinet and smashed it on the hob.
i called police, he ran off...

waited for police, reported they said they would look for him.

then went to my aunt with dcs and stayed there the night; called friends and moved the next day.

you need to get out and yes there is risk he will blow but be strong. if he blows is just proof of what he is capable of.... call police dv unit and let them know what is happpening. have them put a marker on the phone so if you call they will come...

use the support of your family. you will get to a better place.

and DONT do as i did and let him visit you and dcs in your new place - keep it for you and dcs - arrange contact outside or in public place til things are more settled.

[BitOfFun]

I do think I know what you are going through love, it's worth it in the end (and hurray for fab parents, mine were great too)- honestly, you will be so relieved it will be like floating. Much much love and best wishes, you can do it!

[OrmIrian]

Good luck. Keep strong. No advice but lots and lots of sympathy.

[HoneyBadger]

These are all fantastically helpful stories,and pieces fo advice. I am feeling better by the minute. I have made an offer on the property and am waiting to hear if it has been accepted. I won't be able to move in until March so will have to stay another month with H walking on eggshells.

I think he must suspect so will need to be very careful with documents etc. I am using parents address and phone number and work e-mail.

Cestlavielife that is a very helpful practical story. You are right about back-up plan. I will need to spend the first night at least with family rather than moving straight into new house. I will certainly get a phone marker my solicitor has also mentioned that.

[mrspnut]

HB - Does your local Women's aid provide a floating support service? because many do and they can help you with life once you have moved and support you to stay safe during that initial period after leaving the relationship.

I work for Women's aid so I could see what services there are in your area if you like, you can CAT me or I'm on the mumsnet facebook group (I'm on the username thread, near the end).

It may be that access to an iDVA would be really useful for you, especially if you think he's likely to escalate things once you leave.

[MrsMattie]

My mum left my extremely verbally/emotionally abusive dad (taking us with her) in the middle of a normal working day. She had been plotting it for weeks, lined up a flat for us, and took a day off work, took us out of school for the afternoon, packed a suitcase each and we left. It was quite scary for us (as kids of 6 and 7 yrs old), but looking back she did absolutely the right thing.

She had tried to leave twice before in an 'above board' manner, and tried to persuade my dad he should be the one to leave, but he had always ground her back down with by either turning on the waterworks/hysterics/'please don't leave me, I'll die' tack, or by bullying her into submission. In the end she was forced to be sly about it, as it wouldn t have worked otherwise.

I'm not going to lie - my dad hounded us for years afterwards . But in retropsect, it really was the best thing she ever did for herself and for us kids. My dad was an unstable, abusive man and our lives would have been very unhappy if my parents had stayed together.

Good luck. I think you are very brave and totally right to do be doing this xxx

[lilac21]

Honeybadger, have nothing to add except be strong for yourself and your children. You know you are doing the best thing for all of them.

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

Very best of luck. DO make sure that you have support from a domestic violence adviser of some kind for the next few months: unfortunately the most dangerous part of a relationship with an abuser is when you are about to leave or just after you have left. Keep your mobile with you all the time. It won't be long, and you will feel so much better once you are away from him.

[Lucy87]

If I were in your position, I would make a detailed 1-10 list of what I practically needed to accomplish in order to get into my new home with my children. Then just tick the things off the list. I think this would help me get though the emotional trauma - helping me to focus on what needed to be done.

Also, lots of visualizing how it will feel to be free, sitting in your new living room with the fire on in however many days...

Good luck.