Does your DH/DH have 'him' time at the weekends at all or do you see it as family time?

[PussinJimmyChoos]

DH works full time, I do p/time and look after DS two days a week. I take him to all his activities, get him ready etc so by the weekend, I'm ready to share the load as it was as DS is in the terrible twos and hard bloody work

DH wants to go to the gym in the evenings and the weekend. I can see that its just going to create more work for me in that I'll end up doing bedtime routine when he's at the gym in the evening and so I'm a bit mmm about it but before saying anything, thought I'd see what others do

He says he needs to do this to stop him being grumpy all the time and that he needs 'him' time

What do others think/do?

[mankyscotslass]

I think he does need "him" time. But I also think you need "you" time. You all need "family" time.
I think you need to have a chat and make a plan so that neither of you feel hard done to.
I totally sympathise with you, I would feel the same as you.

[SeymourButz]

oh god family time
the death knell that sounds when I hear those words.

[ilovelovemydog]

Think gym is good. I go about 3 times a week, but there's a creche.

Maybe not every night though....

Is there a family membership so perhaps he could take DS on weekend for perhaps swimming?

[Wilkiepedia]

I feel your pain, different pastime but same thing.

He is very good at the mo though as am pg. I don't ever seem to get 'me' time though (DS 2yrs)

[Hulababy]

Our weekends are generally family time, so we tend to spend them together with DD. Or sometimes me and DH will go away for weekend, and DD will go to grandparents. We only very occasionally do things on our own at weekends, maybe he might have a golf game or go to see te cricket r I might go to the Spa.

[shubiedoo]

Of course you both need time, it's hard to strike a balance. Dh and I have one night off each during the week, and try to share weekends.

[PussinJimmyChoos]

Tbh, I wouldn't trust him taking DS swimming on his own - sad but true. He can be away with the fairies re watching him - have seen it far too many times, sadly

Thing is, I can see it going down the route of him doing it 2/3 times a week and if I don't agree to it, he'll be 'grumpy'...you know how men are - its never just a once a week thing with them - the more you give, the more they take

[DrNortherner]

oOOh see my cycling thread.......

[cmotdibbler]

The only 'him' time that DH wants is an hour or so to watch rubgy (on TV) on a Sunday - I go swimming with DS then. I get me time when I have to be away for work, so don't have any normally.

Can't your DH go to the gym during his lunch hour or after DS's bed time ? I think the weekends are to do things all together

[stillenacht]

weekends are family time but i have decided to bite the bullet and try to lose weight so i am gonna start being selfish and going to gym for and hour on both days (as well as a couple of week nights). DH is supportive of this. i don't mind if my DH wants to go and do some stuff by himself or with friends thats fine but i guess if it was every weekend and took up like a whole afternoon (from say 1 - 6) i guess i would be annoyed then.

[HolyGuacamole]

Compromise

[PussinJimmyChoos]

I've said I don't have a problem with him going to the gym after DS's bed time....or now that DS is going to bed later, for him to leave around 7pm when most of the hard part of the winding down, bedtime routine has been done. He says he doesn't want to do it then as would be too late and he'd need to eat etc

[SeymourButz]

Oh god i think we all need time. I went into town alone this weekend to prowl a bit, then when i got back dh went to the gym.
being off at bed time needs prior permission/ to be asked nicely imo

[DrNortherner]

You wouldn't trust your dh to take yuor kid swimming?

That's a whole bigger issue than the gym problem imo.

[SeymourButz]

you really need to LET GO puss
you are not his mum

[Othersideofthechannel]

DH his sport on Saturday mornings. I like to have time just me and the children. But the terrible twos are in the past .

He is usually home from work after their bedtime or just in time for stories so they don't give him much of a break at the weekends so I think he needs that time to himself.

I have Friday nights to myself.

[2rebecca]

Spending the whole weekend as "family" time sounds like torture to me. Some people here obviously love it, but weekends are also for sorting out jobs that need doing (if you both work), finding time for hobbies and doing things with the kids. Just revolving your whole weekend around the kids in 1 long "family time" would do my head in. Kids need some time to play by themselves and entertain themselves.
I didn't grow up with 24 hour entertainment at weekends, I'm surprised so many people here think it's a good idea.
You both need some time for yourselves. Small children are very energy sapping. Make sure you both have some time to do stuff for yourselves, either exercise or reading, whatever.
Most people when they get marry have no desire for their weekends to turn into a "family time" hell.

[PussinJimmyChoos]

Hmm...all good points - thanks everyone

One other point though - what do you think about their lunch hours being 'their' time...because I work part time, I only take 30mins lunch break in order to do the nursery run etc...so, my 30 mins barely gives me time to eat or nip to the shop to get anything we may need...DH on the other hand, has a full hour...every day...surely that's 'him' time also??? He does not go to the shops for shopping or anything house related either. What are mnetters thoughts on this?

Yes, the whole not trusting him to go swimming with him is a big issue but sadly, I've seen first hand how easily DH gets distracted and how he will go out and forget essential things like sunshade, suncream, juice bottle etc - trust has to be earned and yes, I have sat back quietly and let him get on with it and each time, he forgets something so....I make no apologies for it!

[rookiemater]

Hi Pussin I have the whole lunch break thing annoyance as well. I work 4 days a week with slightly reduced hours so I can drop off and pick up DS and as a result get a 30 min lunch break, whereas DH has an hour.

It only annoys me on Mondays because that is my non working day and apart from the time that DS has his nap i.e. now, it is fairly full on with catching up on laundry, getting meals ready for the week oh and looking after a 2 year old. Yet DH always finds the time to email or phone with "little" jobs for me to do in my "spare" time, whereas he has a full blinkin lunch hour 5 days a week to sort things out.

Dh will go out at lunch time and buy milk if required, also plays footie once lunchtime a week which is great by me as means he only wants to play one evening a week. I don't think you can do too much about the unequal lunch break thing as even an hour isn't really long enough to go to the gym or do that much. Tbh it seems a bit petty to bring it up which is why I sit and silently seethe instead.

Just agree on something that is fair to everyone. DH plays footie once a week and I go to tennis lessons and swim once a week. Perfectly reasonable in my opinion for your Dh to go to the gym once at the weekend but should try to make it either first thing in the morning or something like Sunday evening so he isn't eating too much into your time together.

[OhBling]

No puss, you have a problem. You say that he forgets something for DC and therefore you don't trust him? This sounds like classic male behaviour who doesn't want to do something, "if I mess it up enough, she will take it off my plate".

You should not give into it. DC crying because he's thirsty will have a far better impact than you taking it away from him.

[PussinJimmyChoos]

Rookie - yes I'm the same feeling that the lunchtime thing is too petty to bring up...but you know, if I had an hour to myself every day, to eat in peace, browse around the shops or read a newspaper without being asked for juice, biscuits or whatever, I would be quite content with that...but hey, that is me and not DH.

I did suggest to DH that he goes to the gym in the evenings near to DS's bedtime - once the bath etc is out of the way, the winddown process is quite straightforward and DS prefers me to sing/read to him anyway...but DH's excuse was that he wouldn't have time to eat and it would be too late by the time he got back...I'm offering a compromise I feel but no...

The thing is, I know that if DH wants to go to the gym Sunday am or whatever, he won't wake up at a reasonable time to get it out of the way - he likes his kip too much so by the time he gets back, it will be gone midday and then time for DS's nap and half the day is gone iyswim?

[Neeerly3]

my dh does gym in the AM before kids get up on his way to work - means I have to get them up and dressed and to nursery on my way to work, but have done this since the year dot, so used to it now.

At weekends he plays rugby on a saturday afternoon for a local team and on a sunday he has early door drinks with his mates at the local - but thats only because he gets up with the kids, and leaves me in bed til 10am! He also does all the cooking and shopping and we often take one kid each for an activity (the kids are twins and do need some time apart).

I get me time whenever I need it - evenings out in the weekend with my girl friends when he does bedtime on his own - plus currently being pregnant I am even more spoilt than usual - Spa day this friday - BLISS!!!

[bronze]

It all seems to be him time with a bit of family time thrown in.

[PussinJimmyChoos]

And I should add that on my non working days, I take DS out to music, other activities - zoo etc, I do crafts with him if its raining or socialising with other toddlers and the shopping, cleaning and housework gets done...and DH comes in to a cooked meal most nights and I generally clear up while he does bath time and clear up on non bath nights too

[Neeerly3]

i would say Puss, there is a bit of an imbalance here - him threatening to be grumpy if he doesn't get his me time is very immature. Could you threaten the same? "I will be grumpy if made to stay home with DS without your support one more time...."