Anybody live(d) with a partner who cannot accept that TODDLER'S MAKE MESS! And living in a house will make it looked lived in, FFS!

[caspercat]

And is there a solution?? We are very lucky to have a playroom for 19mth old DD (although she just tends to bring her toys into the kitchen instead, but they always go back). She doesn't write on walls (yet!), or throw her food around, and at the end of the day she always helps me 'play tidy-up'. Yet DD has said we've trashed the house, and the house has gone down in value since we moved here because of it! I try to explain that day to day living will have an effect on how the house appears, he says i don't realise how much things cost, and i also don't care. I think i keep as clean & tidy a home as poss, do a huge clean once a week, must wash dishes 8 times a day, and constantly sweep & mop kitchen floor!
When DD is eating (which she does very well), things will sometimes end up on the floor (which i always clean away), but he 'tutts' and is practically standing under her with a cloth. Am worried she's going to end up with OCD re cleanliness if this carries on.
And now this weekend, with my parents visiting for Mother's Day, he's just had a go at me cos they brought their dog (which they always do), and he's worried the newly laid wooden(ish) floors will get marked!! It's only a poor little Yorkie, not a huge Great Dane. and he's a vey clean, no trouble at all little doggie.
Sorry for the huge post, but am getting very worn down arguing this point constantly, and i know that he just thinks i'm wrong, but what can i do about it? It's like he wants to live in a show home. God help when we start potty training her

[McDreamy]

Oh he's got a long 16 years ahead of him if he's feeling like this now!!!

I now have 2 children and it gets messier!! As they get older their toys get smaller but they have lots more "bits" to them. I keep finding Polly Pocket everything all over the place!!

Not sure how to bring him round though so sorry not much help but plenty of empathy

[isaidno]

He is being completely unrealistic.

[hecate]

Tell him that you keep a reasonable home to normal standards and if that's not good enough for him he is of course free to do it his fucking self.

Or tell him that you will take dd and move out so he can live alone in his show home if it matters more than having a normal family. (not advising you to actually leave him over this btw, just the sort of thing I'd end up yelling in such kind of situation. )

Do you know why he's so scared of mess? What is his parent's home like? Did he get into trouble for making a spot of mess or was it so disgusting that it left him with a horror of dirt? Is it that he is a control freak who needs to be in charge of a well ordered environment?

Before you can tackle this, you need to understand WHY he is like this. Then you'll know how to deal with it.

[Slouchy]

Yes to OP, and he has improved in the last year or so. Prior to that he would tell the kids to sit down and watch the TV all weekend cos that reduced the mess they meant. (Needless to say, that did't happen )Ironically we have moved to the nicest house we've ever owned in that time - it is big though, so mess is more diluted.
Can't offer any advice really. I do think he is within his rights not to want guests to bring a dog though, however well-behaved.

[caspercat]

Hecate, you speak wise words. The problem is, he knows i won't move out (have threatened to before!) because i can't afford to, and we're miles away from family and all our old friends.
I know his dad has a lot to do with it from what his mum (who i get on with brilliantly, & is divorced from his dad) has told me. His father is Asian & was very strict (regular beatings for minor things), but DH refuses to acknowledge this when i mention it, & says it has nothing to do with anything.
And TBH, he does do his fair share, but works very long hours, so i'm just here more so do more. We even put DD in nursery for a day & i stay at home JUST TO CLEAN!!

[caspercat]

Slouchy, he knows my parents have no-one to leave the dog with, and they've always brought him with them. He's a vet, so it's not like he doesn't like them!! We have 2 cats who constantly vomit furballs, he'll prob make me get rid of them soon!

[dizietsma]

You cannot expect a showhome environment with a toddler! It sounds like you already do far too much cleaning, when do you have time to be a parent, for goodness sakes?

I hate seeing little kids who are so worried about making a mess that they freak out at the slightest mess, it's just so sad, your poor DD

Why don't you suggest that if your standards of cleanliness aren't acceptable to him then maybe you should go earn a living while he cleans the house and raises a toddler. Also, why don't you stop sending your DD to nursery and get a cleaner with the money you save?

for you

[skidoodle]

you send your child to nursery so you can clean?

unless you're one of those people for whom cleaning is a passion [yes, they do exist. there are some in my family. they are a weird but strangely admirable bunch of slightly control freaky and super efficient master race] that's just bonkers.

dizietsma's right - spend the time with your DD and pay a cleaner to do the house.

[citylover]

My exH is like this so you have my sympathy. I think my ex and probably your DH have got OCD.

Thankfully we are divorced now but he still likes to stick the knife in re the state of my house, non ironed clothes, how often the DSs take a bath etc.

I also find that some of his quirks have rubbed off on DCs which is more worrying.

I agree that the mess of kids is very frustrating but if you are excessively cleaning that too is a never ending chore. And you would probably find that he will never be satisfied ie the neurosis would transfer to something else.

Don't know if that helps much. It is worrying, it doens't do much for your self esteem or peace of mind either.

And I think its very hard to empathise with his type of behaviour when you are busting a gut to look after a toddler and cleaning.

I think the textbook advice is to stand firm and not to pander to the OCD type behaviour. But I know how hard that can be.

Best of luck.

[VictorianSqualor]

DP is like this, the house is always a mess in his eyes, then he sprays some cif on the sides and moves a bit of paper and it's all clean
I try to ignore it and explain that when he comes home and moans it makes me feel like I'm wasting my time and am unappreciated, but I'll get my own back in a few weeks when I go in to hospital to have my 3rd child (his first) and leave him at home for a day or two with a 7yr old & 3yr old and expect all the washing, cooking and cleaning to be done

Does your DH ever 'do' it himself and then try and show you how quick and easy it is? I think they foten think all that needs doing is the toys putting away, the bathroom gets cleaned by fairies in our house, as does our bedroom, I'm not sure how the washing gets done, because they're all jobs he seems to forget about!

Maybe just do the jobs he moans about and show him just how much more to it there is than that? Or go on strike.

[littlewoman]

They only ever see the things you haven't done. It's so depressing.

[colditz]

Do you go to his place of work and critisize him continually? I'm guessing not.

Tell him to STFU

[llareggub]

I suggest you go away for the weekend (or better still, the week) on your own leaving your husband to look after your DD and the house.

I bet his attitude changes.

[caspercat]

Thanks for all your messages. It prob sounds worse than it is, the sending DD to nursery bit. She actually only goes 3 days a week, i work 2 days a week & the rest of the time is lovely me & her time. The 'cleaning' day was actually a joint decision cos we found we were spending what little time we have together on w/ends cleaning & no-one enjoyed that. I do also manage to do the shopping (whooppee) & if i'm very lucky, an hour for a run, all to myself (though this week had to get the car cleaned cos 'i'd trashed that too').
The idea of sodding off for a w/end is appealing, but logistically really difficult (5 hr drive to where my best friends are, even longer on the train, lots work w/ends, blah blah), even so, i know it's something i should look into.
The sad thing is, this seems to be filling my life now, wondering what he'll roll his eyes at next. It scares me to think of leaving, but i can't see how he's going to change. I think the only way he'll have the house he wants is if he lives by himself . Can't even go to counselling, cos you can't take LOs with you, & we have no-one to look after her. Shame, cos i think it'd probably do us a lot of good.

[damnfinefilly]

my dh was VERY like this until last week, when I had to leave to visit a friend for a week - with my dh's full support! He was left to look after ds (4) and dd (1), and every day when I spoke to him he told me what he'd been doing, how messy it was, how he was constantly picking up after them only to turn around to face yet another pile of rubbish....you know, just the usual day in a life of a SAHM...

Anyway, he can't empathise enough with me now. It has totally changed his attitude! Unbelieveable. I HIGHLY recommend going away, by yourself, for a few days, and leave him a printed list of daily chores, along with a print-out of your child's daily routine. Works like a charm.

I think the main problem is that he really doesn't know what actually goes into being at home all day with a child - I think my dh used to think I sat around all day drinking tea and letting the dc's watch cartoons...

[hellish]

Poor you. Casper, I have the same problem, and have spent the last 10 years walking on eggshells, waiting to see what will spark off a "rampage" as I call it. Our house is always either "minging" or a "shithole".

Yet, funnily enough, to me, it's usually just a normal functioning family home. It drives me crazy, we have rowed for years about this as I cannot stand the implication that I am lazy.

Don't have any advice I'm afraid, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I am thinking of introducing a rota - so that when he doesn't do his 'bit' he won't have a leg to stand on with the moaning.

He is very much like Victorian's dh, just puts things in tidy piles and thinks that's the job done.

[Fillyjonk]

I do agree with everyone on this thread, and also think, if you are both working and/or this is an issue-get a cleaner! For say £20 a week you can remove a major source of tension in your marriage-If you have that money, that seems like a bargain!

Only thing is, I know I find it demoralising when the house is a constant tip. My strategy is to have one room (our bedroom) which I keep reasonably tidy, and which the kids aren't allowed to trash, which I relax in. I don't know if this is an option for you or for him, but it keeps me calmer to know that there is somewhere I can go and sit and not have to look at biscuit crumbs...

[Fillyjonk]

although that is actually more of a solution than a strategy...

[ladytophamhatt]

Oh yes...imagine lving i a house with someone likethat when you've got 4 children.

He stomps around huffing a dn puffing because theres a few bits of whatever on teh floor. He'll give me a running commentary on all the things he doing "Just pcking these dummys off teh floor"...."just putting the cup in the dishwisher"..."Just found this sock under the sofa"
Honestly its verging on the ridiculous. I fully intend to one day write down every single thing I do throughout the day and present it to him when he's had to pick up that one lone sock, the thing is I actually don't really have time to write it all down.
He thinks I sit here every hour or every day telling you lot every detail of my life.

I bloody wish...I'm not sure if he actually realises that we have 4 children that all want differnet things most of the time.

Twat!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

www.ocduk.org/6/family.htm

OCD is a very serious problem, this is an anxiety based disorder.

You may find this link helpful as this relates to families.

[fryalot]

My dp is like this.

We still argue about it, and he still gets frustrated that the house doesn't look like a show home, but he's a lot better than he was. The way I deal with it is:

During the week I have a mad hour clearing up, dusting, polishing and cleaning before he is due home (esp. hoovering the floors, it makes such a difference ) At weekends when he is home, I try to make sure I am always doing something - whether it is sitting on the floor building a tower with the littlies, or ironing. As long as he never sees me sitting down reading a paper or MNing (he's ill in bed right now, or I wouldn't be here) I don't actually do any more cleaning when he's here, but I look busy all day, so when he does decide to have a whinge, I can answer "when do you expect me to do this cleaning?" and he can't actually answer, because there IS no time.

Also, it never hurts to decide to polish the TV when The World At War (or whatever he watches) is on. He will soon tell you to leave it. You can then reply that there is no other time to do it, and he will say he doesn't care... anything as long as he gets to see a bit more death and destruction on telly.

good luck. He is being unrealistic if he really expects a stepford house.

[Janni]

Caspercat - this does sound very miserable for you. My DH is exacty the opposite, which can also be a problem, but the thing is he doesn't criticise ME and I think it must be extremely wearing to be doing all that housework yet still be found wanting.

Are you SURE there's no way you can get to counselling together? If your DD is used to being in nursery then surely she won't mind having a babysitter for a bit while you go to appointments?

[Kif]

I think you need to acquire some friends with friends the same age as you Dd - preferably of the slaternly peruasion. Perhaps a few family dinners round their place would help you rDh get a 'glass half full' view of things?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Unfortunately seeing other people who are as "slatternly" may not be useful an approach as it can make the anxieties worse.

People in families where OCD is present need to educate themselves re OCD and its many faces. It is a serious anxiety based disorder and does make life for such families very hard at home.

What can actually work with sufferers of OCD is cognitive behavioural therapy.