unacceptable views of DH's friend

[Nicola63]

Hi

I was just wondering what other people would do in this situation. I've been very upset, my DH and I practically never argue and this has caused rather a rift. I feel bad about my own behaviour but also angry.

Basically, an old friend of DH's came to stay for the weekend. I had not met him before. I was hospitable, made everything nice, I took him out to dinner on Friday night (he did not even offer to pay but I disregarded that). On Saturday it was nice and warm, the three of us had a barbeque and we all had a few drinks. We were all talking and this man then starts to freely express totally unacceptable and extremely bigoted opinions (rememember this man does not know me at all, or what my views on anything might be). I am afaid I got angry with him and told him that I found what he was saying unacceptable. I was probably pretty rude. I wasn't drunk but had had a few and was a little disinhibited.

DH was furious with me that I could be so rude to a guest in our home. I am embarrassed to admit that I then got angry with DH too and we had an argument in front of this man.

They went out to the pub while we all cooled down, I joined them later and we did not refer to it again until after the man left the next day. DH then told me he was really pissed off with me.

I agreed that arguing with DH in front of company (and some really nasty things I said too) was out of line, and I have apologised profusely for that. I feel terribly embarrassed about it. But I don't want to apologise for being angry about the conmvresation and standing up for my views.

What do other people think? What would you have done?

[hertsnessex]

depends on the views of this man - but as i didnt know him or see him alot i would have let it go or the sake of dh unless it was regarding my children

cx

[nickytwotimes]

You should be proud that you stuck up for what you believe in. Okay, neither you nor dh should have argued in front of this guy, but we all make mistakes. Stick to your guns! I have held my toungue in the past only to be angry with myself later - I am improving though!

[Nicola63]

No it was nothing to do with children, it was extreme racism and homophobia, in fact. I do agree though that since the guy is not a close friend and we are unlikely to see him much (he doesn't even live in this country) I probably should have just let it go. Some things are a red rag to a bull though!

[Ulysees]

I hate biggots so no doubt I'd have been the same. I envy patient people. He spoke freely so don't know why you couldn't?

[Nicola63]

DH is not the kind of person to voice his views and often goes along with things for a quiet life, that I will make a big fuss about. I am a very outspoken person, he is the opposite. It's one thing that does cause friction sometimes. I am very much of the view that evil will flourish if good men just do nothing. He is more let's just leave it, it's not our business, not our problem. I have had to accept this about him, and he has had to accept my shooting my mouth off and always having a massive opinion on everything. But it does not usually cause this much trouble.

[Nicola63]

But I hope if something like this ever hapopns again I hope I should probably have the grace to simply leave the room for a while. DH would know why. And a fufty something year old bigot is not going to be changed in his life views by any tantrum I might have.

[Nicola63]

fifty something

[nickytwotimes]

Nicola, I used to be like your dh, but I slowly started to realise what you just said - that evil will flourish if good men do nothing. Sorry, I don't know what changed me!

[macmama73]

This happened to me many years ago. We were out with old friends of DH and they went off on this rant about how the immigrants were taking all the jobs away and they should be sent home.

We live in Germany, my DH and his friends are German and I obviously got very upset about this. They kept saying, "No, Macmama, we don't mean people like you, we mean real Ausländer (foreigners) from places like Albania and Poland.

I was so upset and angry and had a right go at them. DH didn't really say anything which made me even more uspet.

We eventually left, as I couldn't stay in their company any longer. I cried most of the way home and was very disappointed that DH hadn't come to my defence. He was embarrassed and angry that his friends had hurt me, but he is not at all good at conflict situations.

It took me a long time to get over it. The friends are actually both quite nice guys and are just a bit far right in their thinking. They are by no means nazis, just very conservative. I think they have mellowed actually. They have certainly never ever said anything like that again to me.

I think that you should do the same with your DH and his friend. You were right to protest against his views, at least now he knows your opinion and will hesitate to start another discussion. And if he does, then walking away is the best thing to do.

ho

[Nicola63]

Yes macmama that sounds very much like the same situation, glad I'm not the only one. I am pretty sure this man would never start that kind of discussion with me again! I did not exactly hold back...I think he was shocked by the ferocity of my response...

[bohemianbint]

Good for you for saying something! I don't agree with "anything for a quiet life", that's exactly how Nazi Germany started...

[madamez]

Hey I'd have told the guy where to get off as well. Because I have quite a few opinions that not everyone shares on a variety of issues, I am learning to be polite and calm about disagreeing with people who are talking shit if it's, say, in someone else's house or on a social occasion where having a big ruck will upset innocent parties. I've more than once had conversations at m&t groups with silly sods who believe everything they read in the S*n about immigrants and I'm getting better about not yelling Oh FFS you bigoted MORON!
But hey, well done. It doesn't do to let morons persist unchallenged in their moronic thinking, after all.

[Tortington]

i get into this kind of situation frequently with pissed people ihardly know at the pub. a conversation starts and from out of nowhere their make bonding technique with dh is racism.

to which i always say " do i look fucking anglo saxon to you" they stop ..take it in... look at dh..see hes a big bloke... apologise ..go for a piss and leave.

nobhead fuckers they are. pisses me off completely. its a personal slight. you can't tell someones heretidge by looking at them alone. Who are these people to assume that they have some kind of pedegree, fucking english morons.

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[madamez]

Custy: I had one the other week at work (I do one night a week on the door at local music venue), was wandering around after I'd cashed up and before I started my DJ stint, fell into conversation with a couple of blokes, one of whom started going on about Skrewdriver - for those of you who don't know, which iwll be, er, most of you I expect, Skrewdriver were a rubbish 80s band best known for their right-wing sympathies. So this idiot was trying to claim they were misunderstood. My method was to talk him through his various bigotries and counter each one with a kind of 'well, that's a bit silly, isn't it, and you don't look stupid' rather than screaming and spitting at him. He did end up scratching his head and going 'coo, hadn't thought of that' a time or two, which made me feel a tiny bit smug...

[edam]

I don't think you should let bigots go unchallenged for the sake of an easy life. I'm sure your dh would have preferred it if you had pretended to agree but then your nobhead guest would have gone away thinking his views were acceptable (probably thinks there is a 'silent majority' that agrees with him because people are too polite to tell him he's a nob).

OK, I expect there are grown-up, polite yet firm ways of dealing with idiots like this, but you had all had a drink. The guest was being bloody rude - takes two to have an argument and it's just as rude to have a go at your host as it is to have a go at a guest!

[edam]

(Custy, I must be particularly dense, because I've actually met you yet don't remember thinking 'oh, she's not Ango-Saxon', btw.)

[HonoriaGlossop]

Nicole, stick to your guns and don't let your DH make you feel bad.

Ulysees said it all; He spoke freely, so why shouldn't you?

You are entitled to give your world view just as much as the next person. More entitled, if the next person is a racist homophobic bully

People like this should know that they can't safely assume that they can shoot their mouths off with impunity.

Your DH is not the one here who should be pissed off. You shoud be pissed off with him for beign friends with someone who holds these views, and for letting this situation occur and not protecting you; even with one sentence, he just needed to say "ease up, mate, I don't think my wife wants to hear this".

YOU are the one with a grievance here, not your dh, who I'm afraid to say needs to grow a spine.

[madamez]

You know, even a quiet but firm 'Well I don't agree with you, but perhaps this isn't the time or place to discuss it' will do - if it's somewhere you really don't want to cause a ruck. Partly because, if the other person then carries on ranting about immigrants/sexual minorities/Croc wearers or whatever, then they look rude, selfish and immature and you look dignified, polite and, er, morally in the right

[Nicola63]

Thanks for the views everyone! The problem with the guy wasn't that he went on any kind of rant, just that he totally assumed that everyone around him would share his bigoted views. The offensive views and words were not said as a point or anything, just dropped into ordinary conversation. He was obviously very surprised when someone challenged them. It started a bit like this:

Him: well I hate fing anyway

Me: (fake interested look on my face) And why would that be exactly?

Him: (puzzlement on face) What?

Things deteriorated from there.

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[Anniegetyourgun]

You have every right to challenge unacceptable views, or at least to ask people not to discuss them in front of you. There's no excuse for rudeness, but it sounds like he started it and should have picked up early on the warning signs and let it drop! If you don't like the way you handled it, just practice the polite but firm closing down of the conversation, as Madamez suggests. "well I hate fing anyway" isn't the sort of statement I'd expect to hear in my house in the first place, even if it was... oh let's say... a political party or something less controversial. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned though.

[tissy]

custy, I haven't met you, but I must admit , I have always assumed you must be anglo-saxon, from the number of old anglo-saxon words that pepper your posts! Or rather, I haven't assumed anything in the past, but was surprised when you implied you weren't anglo-saxon