friendships and social lives, do you have them and how does your dh/dp react to them?

[wuzzlefraggle]

hi ladies, i strongly debated changing my name for this but in the end decided not to as i shouldnt be ashamed, i should just work to fix the problem. im a regular poster btw

ive been with my dh now for almost 4 years. we have a beautiful dd of 5 months and i love them both dearly. just to fill you in on the background detils.

right, from when i met dh, we pretty much were just wrapped up in eachother (as a lot of people are in early relationships) and our friends, just ended up fading completely away. he had his friends, i had mine but (im not blaming this all on dh by any means) he liked it just being me and him and as a lot of my friends were male or liked me to go boozing with them, he didnt like me even talking to them. i realise now that i should have put my foot down and kept in touch with them anyway. (granted, there were 1 or 2 of his friends that i didnt like either, but i never told him that he couldnt see his friends, ever)

Ive always been a very social person, i loved having my friends and going out with them, and im now sad to say that i practically have none. the only people (not inc MN lol) i get to talk to and see are my family (which isnt very big at all) and im only 21, i feel like it should be different.

i was wondering if there was anyone else out there with this problem, or had this problem and how it was sorted out. I love my dh and wouldnt want to leave him, but i dont think he understands where im coming from as he has friends in work and im beginning to feel very very alone

I would really appreciate any advice that could be given on how to approach the subject and deal with it as i just done know what to do.

sorry that this is so long, and thank you all in advance

[NOTCADBURYCremeSquonk]

For a totally different reason, I am in the same position as you. We moved away from all our friends and family and I don't know anyone in the new area.

Firstly, if he didn't like you having friends then, would he object now? That may be a problem. You have to tell him how lonely you feel, mn is great but it's NOT rl.

Secondly, assuming there is no barrier to you making new friends, you just have to find them. You could try netmums - they have a good meet up board, then there's toddler groups and things like tumbletots. All of which will introduce you to local mums. If you want more of a social life, are there any clubs you could join? Or if you are really brave, could you just GO into a pub?

Hope this helps.

[wuzzlefraggle]

thanks NCCS, yeah he'd probably be sulky and i know it would involve a very lengthy discussion/row.

your right re MN. its brill, but at the end of the day its not real life

it all sort of hit me last night really, how lonely things are for me. god, i sound pathetic lol

i hope u get to make new friends quickly. did u move far?

[hunkermunker]

If he's angry about you having friends, that would ring alarm bells with me.

[NOTCADBURYCremeSquonk]

Yes, we moved a couple of hundred miles. Then we moved again, and again. So every time I started to make new friends, we moved. Due to move again in the next few months as well, but hopefully that move will be permanent.

You need to work things out with your other half first, and make totally sure that he is not going to make things difficult for you. It would be totally unreasonable of him to insist that you have no friends.

[wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe]

Hiya wuz. Wow is your dd 5 months already?

Firstly, I can totally empathise as I pretty much don?t have that many friends either and as for a social life, what was one of those again? .

It sounds as if your dh has had some insecurities about your male friends in the past, possibly due to the fact that you were so young when you got together, not that age is an issue of course, but men just aren?t always as mature as women are they, and I think when a relationship is still new, people can be insecure for fear of losing the person they?ve just found iyswim, and before you know it, you?ve let the friendships you had slide.

Also as you have a new baby it can feel very isolating, especially if your dh is at work and socialises outside of work and you?re at home with the baby. Much as we love our babies, it can be very lonely only having a baby for company all day, every day, and only speaking to your husband/family when they?re not out doing their own thing.

Tbh this isn?t something you should need to talk to him about as such. If you?re home all day you can join toddler groups, take lo to the park, there you will undoubtedly get to know other mums, and in time friendships will develop and you can go from there to invites for coffee and then to possible nights out.

If your dh doesn?t like that, then you need to make it clear to him that you are just as entitled to have friends as he is. Does he go out after work?

IMO the discussion doesn?t need to happen really. You go to these events, and then you gradually start dropping peoples? names into the conversation, and take it from there, until you being friends with x and y is just part of every day life. It?s also important that you socialize with other people, as this way your dd will get to socialize with other children.

It?s an easy trap to fall into, and it can be hard to get out, but it is doable.

[madamez]

Wuzzlefraggle: a partner who won't let you have friends is a partner who, given the chance (ie not pulled up short and sharp) will become an abuser.
Give him a chance, obviously. DOn't get mad but stand your ground, politely and firmly and explain that you need adult company when you're at home with a baby, and that you are going to join some local mum&toddler groups, etc. If he's just a bit insecure, then he should be happy enough with this as you're not likely to be encountering other MEN at a mum&kid group. If he's not happy about this then you need to think very seriously about counselling of some sort for him, or about getting out before things get worse.
Sorry to sound so harsh but a partner who cuts you off from the outside world is always a danger sign. Always, always always.

[madamez]

Whoops, sorry, that wasn't clear, I meant "give him a chance to behave like a civilised being" not "give him the chance to become abusive".

[wuzzlefraggle]

hunker - yeah, it struck me how unreasonable and ridiculous the situation is last night. im not sure if i would call it anger or not, but he certainly seems to feel very uptight, possibly jealous and on some level it feels like he's scared i'll leave him or something!

the last row was re my little sister. shes 15, i love her to bits. she recently made a very silly mistake (dont particularly want to go into it), but i think she deserves another chance. he thinks its totally unreasonable and in his words 'wont allow' it.

im at my wits end.

[CarGirl]

Your baby is 5 months old perfect for getting out and about and joing coffee mornings/toddler groups/local NCT branch etc go out there with our dd and makes some friends be persistent it is hard to meet people who then become really close friends etc but he is not going to feel threatened by other mums.

Organise I few girlie nights out - cheap restaurant rather than boozy pub crawl, there will be other people just as loney as you. HTH

[NOTCADBURYCremeSquonk]

erm.. I would have some serious issues with a partner who "won't allow" a relationship with my sister....

[CarGirl]

mmm x posts - "won't allow" it - okay he's being controlling - get out there make some friends whether he likes it or not.

[wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe]

"won't allow it".

wuzzle, you need to seriously question your relationship with this man. If he's trying to cut you off from your own family he is trying to control you and this is one of the first things many abusers do.

how is your relationship other than the friendship thing? does he control other aspects of your life too?

[wuzzlefraggle]

wow, thank you all for being so understanding.

your all right i need to stand my ground without causing anargument and just get out there. its silly, but in a way it feels quite daunting

wannabe - hi dd is great thanks. dh doesnt go out after work per say, but hes welcome to go to work do's (which he has done. he nows i have no problem with him doing what he likes, as long as im told, so i dont worry)

[mylittlestar]

He has friends in work, you need friends too. I agree other mums is a good start (he can't feel too threatened by that! And if he does then that would worry me!)

Where are you in the country? Is there a MN meet up close by that you could go to? Other suggestions like local mum and baby groups etc are great. Just get out and about and chatting to other mums and then the opportunities for socialising (with and without children!) will increase.

You're so young - you should be making the most of it! Having a baby (and a dh!) shouldn't be the end of a social life.

[wuzzlefraggle]

x posts wannabe. he certainly likes to be 'head of the house' and have control over what goes on i'd say.

he is good to me apart from all that and i love him very very much. i dont want for anything and i know he loves me. part of me thinks though that im being treated as some-what of a possesion.

i had a tough time with my mum (she is a selfish bitch, granted) and i dont see her. yes part of me is very sad, but the other part of me thinks the right thing was done by cutting off contact. BUT, dh (i thought at the time he was just being helpful and suppostive, but looking at all this outside the box, i see differently) was adamant that the contact be cut and didnt even want to think about giving second chances.

[wuzzlefraggle]

mylittlestar, im in south wales.

[NOTCADBURYCremeSquonk]

wuzz - from an outsider's point of view, it seems to me that he is very controlling and this is worrying.

You really need to think very, very carefully about where your life is going.

At 21, you do not want to be tied to a man who controls every aspect of your life.

[hunkermunker]

This is a common thing with abusive relationships - he might not hit you, but he's controlling who you see - and stopping you contacting your family - not on, IMO.

Did you think your mum was a selfish bitch before you met him? Or has his viewpoint coloured your own?

[wuzzlefraggle]

before i met dh, i had a very close relationship with my mum. i knew she was selfish, but i still loved (love) her. that will never change. i just thought i was doing the right thing. its making me question everything now.

he just txt me and he's always lovely, he doesnt think theres a problem. so i just txt him bk saying im unhappy and that we should talk.

im actually really nervous

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[hunkermunker]

Oh, sweetheart

How long have you not had contact with your mum for?

[wuzzlefraggle]

constantly keep track of your time? Not really, but likes to know what ive been doing)

? act jealous and possessive? Yes, especially if another bloke makes a comment or looks

? accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting? no

? discourage your relationships with friends and family? yes, especially with my mum and sister

? prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school? has made it clear he does not want me to work

? constantly criticize or belittle you? no, he always compliments me

? control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.) no

? humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.) used to but i put a stop to it

? destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items? no

? have affairs? no, i know he loves me

? threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon? no, has threatened twice but never hurt me, and i know he wouldnt

? push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children? no

? force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with? no

[wuzzlefraggle]

hunker - not had proper contact for almost a year

[wuzzlefraggle]

reading all this back is making me so sad. i cant quite believe that i let it all happen. i feel so stupid

[hunkermunker]

Does he have any family? Does he see them regularly?

It sounds like he's isolating you very successfully - why does he not want you to work?