Settling for a mundane, 'safe' life - is this the best I can hope for?

[SomewhereNow]

Long boring back story but the short version is I've been married for 15 years (together 20) to a decent man who I chose in part because my background was fairly turbulent. We did and do get on well but there was never any real 'spark'.

I'm not happy though. I know some of it is down to getting older but it's more than that. I feel trapped by a 9-5 job which pays the bills and allows a few treats but not much more, by a house which we've outgrown but can't afford to leave or improve, by the responsibilities of ageing parents which are only going to increase and by the stress of trying to do a good job of bringing up our teen DD.

In addition, DH and I just seem to have hit a brick wall. He's kind, does his fair share around the house, works hard and is a fairly good Dad. He can also be stubborn, grumpy and antisocial. The worst part is our love life which is practically non-existent. It was never great (I'm his only partner) and over the years I've given up trying to improve it - tbh having to force it or explain what I want takes all the joy out of it for me.

Recently I had contact with someone from my past. I stopped this before it went too far but the experience reminded me how it's possible to feel, something I never really had with DH and am unlikely to have now.

I've considered splitting up but our marriage is not that bad - he doesn't hit me or cheat and we do have good times. Surely I need a better reason than just wanting more from life to consider breaking up a family?

I am aware it could be 'the grass is greener' but I just look ahead and see more years of managing and getting by with no excitement and no passion - I feel like my life is over and envy my DD with hers ahead, it feels like the only happiness I'll feel now will be for her successes.

What the hell do I do? DH knows a little of how I feel but is burying his head I think. I can't carry on like this but wonder if it's just first world problems and I should be more grateful for what I've got and remember how scary being alone can be.

Really grateful for any advice, just don't know what to do :(.

[category12]

Sounds a bit midlife crisis ish. Which isn't to say it isn't real and valid. But it may not be that you need to ditch the relationship, but to find fulfilment or excitement in other ways.

I mean, here you are ripe for an affair, but there are other directions you could go. Have you thought about changing jobs or pursuing hobbies?

If your dd is teen, is it worth hanging on and seeking those other life improvements until she's launched?

[Blossomdeary]

Many would be happy to have what you have so don't chuck it away too lightly. You might regret it, and it would be a difficult time for your teenage DD.

I think the answer is to seek some life satisfactions in your own life. I retrained and started a new career at the age of 50. It gave me a new lease of life, more energy and lots to talk about when I came home. It may be that shifting your life in general out of its rut might ginger up other areas of your life.

[TheNaze73]

You need to take the bull by the horn & make some changes

[Spam2016]

Somewhere now I totally understand
Look at the thread regarding marriages not awful but satisfying

Couple of ops have posted where the intimacy has gone from marriage struggles with it....

Although some their dh s are not that wonderful

Good luck

[SomewhereNow]

I agree I need to make changes if I can but what? I don't mean to sound flippant but an art class or doing some volunteering isn't going to change the fact that my sex life is awful! It's not just about that of course but this feels bigger than just being in a bit of a rut.

[ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed]

Somewherenow if you find the solution can you let me know, I'm in pretty much the same situation! It sucks. No joy nothing to really look forward to apart from dc milestones.

[SomewhereNow]

Sorry to hear you're in the same boat ifeeltheneed, it sucks doesn't it especially when you know there's a lot you should be grateful for. How old are your kids?

[Backt0Black]

Be cautious. I ended a very similar marriage. Ex H was a lovely man, good looking, kind, patient, a consistent provider..... there was just zero, and I mean zero spark and in the end I was finding myself increasingly moody and bad tempered.

I do not want him back by any stretch, but I do bitterly regret hurting him (he was v upset by the split) and still think about how hes getting on etc. The guilt is awful and really hard to live with sometimes. ...so tread very carefully.

[Spam2016]

Back to black interesting to read your post
May I ask whether you wish you stayed? I am in the same situation where lovely dh etc but zero spark/intimacy
It's a horrible place to be
Did you ever meet someone else and get the spark?

[Dappledsunlight]

Somewhere, am in very similar situation and am reading tales on MN to see how others have fared. Thanks Back to black, it's worth thinking of life on the other side.

I know what you mean, Somewhere - taking up classes etc make help in a way but fundamentally you crave more intimacy. Somehow this rears its head often when kids have grown up and we face reality of life with our partners. I feel we were so blinded and busy being parents that it's as if suddenly that's all cleared and we're left facing each other. Similar here - zero intimacy and it's so hard struggling with that and not being tempted. Do you know how your DH feels about your marriage - can you discuss it with him? Do you fancy him? Is he happy or does he also express dissatisfaction?

[Backt0Black]

Hi @spam2016. I dont wish I stayed, and yes I've met someone else now. But it is hard not to compare, and it IS unfair to compare. if you see what I mean? I had a very boring but also very easy relationship with Ex H.

So - like any couple myself and DP argue, and when we do sometimes I think 'Ex H would never have made this an issue' 'I shouldn't have cast him aside so easily he really was a saint' (although I stuck the non-spark a Loooooooooooooooooooooong time in truth) its all mind tricks and rose tinted glasses.

I don't want him back, but I do acknowledge he was a great husband and carry huge guilt for not being able to put the whole physical element to one side, but our sex life was on the blink from my being about 24..if not younger. I finally gave in at 34. ...the guilt of hurting somebody so lovely does have a negative impact on future relationships though.

[SomewhereNow]

Thanks for sharing that Backt0Black, I feel guilty enough now because a decent man is not 'enough' so I know it'd be much harder if we did split.

Sorry you're also feeling like this Dappledsunlight but I'm glad you understand what I mean when I say that 'join an evening class' or 'go on a date night with your partner' just doesn't come close to addressing what I need.

I am struggling terribly with the lack of intimacy, I was very very close to crossing the line with the person mentioned in my OP but something stopped me. Thing is I know DH wants more too but it's just so lacking in spontaneity or excitement, tbh it makes me cringe which is just awful. He's not an unattractive man but that side of things is just not his strong point and frankly I don't see why I should have to be his bloody teacher.

He knows things aren't right generally, we had a terrible row at Xmas resulting in him spending the night in a hotel. But now things have just gone back to the way they were and while it's a relief not to be fighting, nothing's changed .

[cherrycrumblecustard]

Being totally honest, you mention a number of things in your OP, only one of which is your husband. Do you think anything would improve in your life if you left?

I know exactly what you mean re thinking things wouldn't make a difference but maybe I have to eat my own words as I'm volunteering and I LOVE it, I'm amazed as I feel happy as I'm helping people.

[Backt0Black]

@somewhere now. You have to do what is right for you. It IS really hard to genuinely get that spark back. I'd be really interested to know if anyone has ever succeeded?

I used to get a bit fed up in bed in the end too (and yes, I know that didnt help) but hated having to be so prescriptive. Just wanted him to relax and take charge a bit and for us to be 'normal'. In the end I lost the ability to think of him 'that way' and his last ditch efforts to try just made me cringe also.

Hope you get sorted one way or another

[Backt0Black]

@valeria001. Fuck off you spammy cow. Reported.

[SomewhereNow]

Thanks for reporting that, I only glanced at it but what a load of old rubbish!

[T0ppsTTiles]

I like to take stock of things

Make a list of all the things that you are thankful for

Make a list of things that that you want to change or do
Start doing

Make a list of things that you are unhappy with

You only have one life

I do not want to be the person who says "I wish I had done X, Y, Z" when I am old

You can start with small things and build up to bigger things
or Make one big change

Be brave

Be kind to yourself and to others

[BigFatBollocks]

Maybe something like sexual psychotherapy may help ur husband, if he's happy to go. Maybe he's got hangups? If he's a decent guy in all other respects and it's the sex that's lacking maybe it would be worth a try? I'm just thinking if you end it and walk away and don't meet someone else, you'll have nothing. And you'll be paying all the bills urself.

[SomewhereNow]

That makes a lot of sense but I'm not sure I could insult him by suggesting something like that (or go through with it myself tbh). I just think it's either there or it's not and if it's not is that worth ending a relationship over?

[geniusindisguise]

I've spoken to my husband on the back of this thread as you could have wrote what was in my head.
Long discussion. I said he needed to open up and we needed to talk as we could be heading for trouble....anyways I found out he is basically just too much of a gentleman eg I might 'flash' him by accident but because I've been to work and am tired he doesn't act upon it. He thought this was what I wanted! I didn't have the best of childhoods with an abusive step dad ruling the roost and he never wanted to be pushy or assertive? with me. He felt it was easier for me to take the lead.
We are going to try some different things, maybe different scenarios and see how that goes and he is going to try and be more vocal rather staying quiet when he thinks something.
I hope you find a way through. It's a difficult situation. I know for me it's the only 'big' issue I have so I'm hoping we can work through it.

[SomewhereNow]

I'm so glad you've been able to talk and can see a way forward. I'm not sure we can though. I just can't imagine the conversation and just the fact of having to have it turns me right off.

I'm so frustrated that he doesn't know what I want or attempt to find out although I suspect we like very different things anyway. I am quite turned on by dirty talk (nothing unpleasant) and once years ago said something in the heat of the moment, it was obvious he didn't like it and that made me feel cheap and silly. Similarly I recently joked about how a counsellor would suggest texting each other with what we'd like to do or something and he just said he'd be no good at that - it's not necessarily what I want either but it's clear he's much 'straighter' than I am.

The contact I had with the person mentioned in my OP started to go down this road and would have continued if I hadn't put a stop to it. I'm not sorry I did because it wasn't right but a few mildly flirtatious conversations made me feel better than I have in years and I can't stop thinking about that.

This is not the only problem with DH but it's one I really can't see an answer to :(.

[Mytime79]

It's hard to get a spark back when you never had one in the first place so it's probably more of the same or you will have to do something about your relationship. it probably won't get much better.

[SomewhereNow]

I think that too deep down but just don't know if it's fair to throw away 3 people's futures just because I'm chasing a bit of excitement. I know many relationships end up in a sort of resigned contentment and if others things are OK maybe that can be enough.

[Mytime79]

It is for many. What you describe is a lot of people's lives. It's often a case of cup of tea and Eastenders rather than a candlelit meal for two followed by wild sex. I read somewhere that one in five long standing married couples under 50 have sex less than 10 times a year which is actually classed as sexless.