I just want to walk into the Sea and never come back

[SilkThreads]

I wont.
I have 2 children, so it's not an option.
But I want to.

I had a horrible childhood, full of abuse, poverty, and lack of family.
When I was 20 I met a man at work.
He had been to a good private School, Oxbridge, wore handmade suits, was a financier. Everything I wasn't. I think I wanted him as a Father really (mine was absent), but I wanted to be near him. It made me feel safe.

I was, (now I look back at the pics) stunningly pretty (relevant later)
Every man I met tried it on, and I didn't know how to say no (due to my conditioning as a child).
So, of course, we had a 'relationship'.
This man and me.
It left me in pieces. Suicidal.
He moved to the US.

7 years after, I was at a low point and called him for help.
He told me he was 'busy having dinner', and hung up.
I never heard back.

A month ago, again at a real low point, I found him on FB and emailed him.
Surprisingly, we had a useful conversation about the past.
He seemed to think I was some sort of femme fatale who had wrecked his life (he 'left his wife', so he says, though he never told me he had one!).
I was able to explain that, actually, I'd been young and vulnerable and he had not behaved well.
He said if he'd known (he did - I told him when I was 20) about the abuse etc he'd have behaved differently. Said he felt very happy I'd come back into his life - I was infinitely precious - friends for life - God had brought us back together etc etc.
Then I was 'wonderful', 'the love of his life'. etc etc.
I am in a very difficult place atm and he wants to help me.
Cherish me forever. 2nd chance.
Head turning stuff.

Then I had to go to hospital to do something to do with bereavement. Awful. Painful. Something I have huge guilt about. Think God wont forgive me re my actions about (long story but one of the most difficult days of my life).
He called me repeatedly to offer support.
I needed it SO badly.
I crumbled.
Started to reply to his words of love and devotion.
Told him I loved him too.
He wanted to meet. Wanted us to make a new life together.
I explained I had two children now, was older, disabled, fatter.
(I'd said that in my very first contact, but he seemed to be ignoring it).

He asked for a pic, so I sent a head and shoulders.
He asked for full length so I sent one (fully clothed)
I was a size 8 when I knew him, I am now a good size 20.
I have been disabled for 13 years and part of the reason I have gained weight is my mobility issues. I am hugely sensitive about it, and he knows that. I don't put pics online, or up in the house, even.

So, 5 days then pass, and he ignores all contact from me.
(We had arranged to meet this Sat.)
Yesterday, I get an email saying he feels he's had 'enough Romantic Adventures for one lifetime' and that he will try hard to see me as a friend.

I feel devastated.
HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID?
(and, my memories of the day at the Hospital are now tainted with him too and I was struggling to cope with that anyway)

[NotStoppedAllDay]

Well I think you've dodged a bullet there tbh.

Can you draw a line under him and move on. He sounds hideous

Sorry for your situation. A new year lies ahead of us all. Let's hope for happier times

[Mummyofmonsters]

Hey!
I agree with the above it definitely sounds as though you had dodged a bullet. He sounds shallow. He's led you on to believe it could be more. But you can do a million times better and you will. Dwelling on the past with this man will only hurt you in the long run. Move forward and know your worth because believe me you can do better than this man, and you will. Stay strong and focus on your children

[suzu1982]

For a start, you are not stupid.
I know this might sound like a stock answer, but have you thought about therapy? It can take a long time to overcome an abusive childhood, but you can do it. And you are worth the effort. Do you have any support irl?
He sounds like a shallow dick, and you are better off without him.
for you and a hand hold. You will get there.

[RatherBeRiding]

He sounds awful, and you sound quite vulnerable. I wonder if your abusive childhood has made you susceptible to this kind of dishonest "I will love you forever" kind of approach?

You are most definitely better off without him - he seems to have history of picking you up and putting you down whenever it suits him, and these are not the actions of a loving person.

Concentrate on your lovely children, and your future with them, and I second the poster who suggested therapy. As you sound really very low and in a bad place at the moment, could you ask your GP about some counselling to help you get your head round it all, and find a way out of maze of unhappiness you seem to be caught in?

[Gazelda]

You aren't stupid. You were vulnerable and he saw an opportunity.
You know that saying "friend's come into our lives for a reason"? Cling on to that - be glad that he helped you get through that terrible day but now put him behind you and look forward.
He is a shallow, selfish and exploitative man. You deserve better.
Try to talk through your past with a therapist. You've had a terrible time which inevitably colours all other friendships and relationships. I hope that you get emotionally stronger and that happiness is ahead of you.

[Bluntness100]

Ah, sweetie, go no contact with him, I agree he's an arsehole and all that lovey Dovey stuff after so many years just isn't normal. He's the one with the problem. Just ignore him now and don't reach out to him again. Don't assume the issue is with you or your weight as I think you might be thinking,, it is more than likely just him, he's involved with someone else or has his own issues to deal with, problems in his private life that he can't get past. 💐

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

It would never have worked. You're authentic, he is not. Superficiality matters to some people and it sounds as if he's one of them. Your vulnerability has made you want to latch onto him again and now you know that this isn't an option so you're feeling lousy. All understandable.

He's not right for you - and has decided that for you, removing himself from the equation. Silently give thanks for that because you're in such a fragile state at the moment that he could have capitalised on your tender spots for him and would have if you'd still been as you were back then.

You deserve somebody nice in your life who will treat you well. At the moment though I think you need some professional help to get your bar raised so that insidious little weasels like him can't limbo under it. Put your self discovery as a priority now.

[HotNatured]

He sounds like a massive arsehole and you sound lovely. I also had a difficult childhood so I know what you mean, you kind of bring that into your adulthood don't you, I used to get v depressed about it. I had therapy and you know what, it helped me no end. Pls treat getting some as a priority. You deserve to be happy, we all do! I've got involved with shits like him pre therapy. Men like him are toxic and actually dangerous to vulnerable women. And we all get old and put on some timber as we age ffs ! I bet he has ! The man sounds like a creep, you're well rid

[SilkThreads]

Trouble is, I've HAD therapy.

And, I still do this to myself.

Had a rubbish day. 30mile round trip to Jobcentre (so I don't get sanctioned).

Cant park anywhere so park on a single yellow (I have a blue badge and cant walk far at all).

Cried in the jobcentre.

Came out to a parking ticket.

Took it to the Council offices to contest. Cried there too.

My GP practice doesn't offer Counselling. I asked before. And I cant change practice without a 40m trip (v rural).

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I think you must go back to your GP - and cry there too. Let them see and know how difficult this is for you. I know there are very long waiting lists but something else could possibly help in the meantime?

I take St John's Wort at this time of year because Christmas is difficult for me because of the people around me. The KarmaMood ones are brilliant.

I know it's hard but you need to take some affirmative action to get some help and I think your GP is the first port of call. Can you ring for an appointment now?

[Bluntness100]

But your gp could refer you? I think you may be a little depressed and suffer from low self esteem. I'd speak to him again.

And I shall rush in like a fool and tread where angels fear, so forgive me, as I understand you have a disability, but if your weight is something that is personally causing you some mental distress, is there something you could maybe do there as well, just gently, that may also help you feel better about yourself? Please don't take that as I'm telling you you should, more just if it bothers you, maybe it's something to think about to make you feel better about yourself? 💐

[SilkThreads]

I'm not sure I even want to go back out the front door.

WHY would he do this? WHY?

I had to go and collect my dead embryos (in storage for 10 years).
My husband wouldn't agree to use them and legally I needed his consent.
I feel hugely upset, not just about no more babies but also because I feel that life is being destroyed, and that God will not forgive me.

This man told me that God will forgive me. (he is Catholic and devout).
I will know that because he will give me a child.
His child.

WHY would anyone be so cruel?

[SilkThreads]

Bluntness I just lost a stone. but I have a lot to go.
Tbh, though, he nearly destroyed me when I was 20 and weighed 8st and was stunning.
worth keeping going with the weight for health reasons though.

[Bluntness100]

Well firstly congrats on the stone, that's a huge achievement when under so much stress. 😃

And omg, he said you'd have his baby? You've got to know that's creepy as hell in this context. 😱

And I'm sorry about the embryos,

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Silk, you're giving this man far too much power over you. Why are you dong that? Is it because to allow him to do so and making you think the worst of yourself abdicates you of the need to take some action to make life better for yourself?

You're worth it. You have children and they think you're worth it. His opinion of you really doesn't matter although I understand that he criticism of your size has really hurt you. Your size doesn't define you though. You aren't "Silk-who-is-size-20" you are Silk-a-woman-in-charge and I do agree with Bluntness, if your size really is impacting how you feel about yourself then it may be a good idea to tackle it. A stone off is brilliant. Don't make any diet or weight loss about him though, the 'sadness diet' is short-lived.

See your GP, Silk

[SilkThreads]

I was already following a diet under the direction of my local NHS.I am on the list for bariatric surgery. So, that is ongoing.

MY GP wont help. There isn't any counselling. I'm not in work so I can afford private. I don't need anti-depressants.

I just don't understand why anyone would be so cruel?
what sort of pleasure would he get out of that?

[HotNatured]

Why do you say you don't need anti depressants? You sound deeply depressed to me. I went on Prozac for a few years ago (pre therapy) and they really helped.

Ask to see a different doctor. You cannot be left to flounder with no support. I know public money is tight but you are an urgent case. As someone said upthread, go to the doctor and cry to them. Get on a waitlist for some counselling. And meanwhile take some anti depressants, it doesn't have to be forever, just til you're out of this fog.

And in answer to your question, he probably didn't get any pleasure out of behaving like he did. He did it because he is a creepy cunt and that is just how he is. Some people are just that, cunts, and they act accordingly.

There are some lovely kind people in the world tho, just look at all the people who have responded to you on this thread

[humanfemale]

So sorry this happened, but from what you said he honestly sounds empty inside. Where genuine human feelings should be, he has a load of bulllshit lines that sound like they've come from a corny 1940s movie.

You are amazing, beautiful and worthy.

He is a dickhead.

[SilkThreads]

there were a couple of times when I could tell that it was a script.
but, mostly, I fell for it.
I think THAT is what I am struggling with.
After all these years, and all this counselling, I still walk right back in :(

It would never have 'worked' as a long term relationship.
I have children.
I would not introduce someone to them unless I was sure they would be okay, and I would test and test and he would not have passed that test.
They would always come first.

At most, we would have met every few months for a weekend.
I am lonely enough, and he was persuasive enough, and we have enough shared history (a LOT) that that seemed a nice idea.

He has a history of instability.
he is also superbright.
I try not to judge people
but, yes, I think that something is wonky/missing inside him that prevents him forming healthy attachments.
or, he is just a horror of a human being?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Doesn't matter what he is really, does it? It's not your job to analyse or assess him, it's only your job to look after you and put that same effort into working yourself out.

All this analysing and navel-gazing is distracting for you. All you need to know is that he isn't right for you and never will be You say yourself that he wouldn't have met your criteria anyway for your children, so really, nothing has been lost. Your pride has taken a bit of a bashing, that's all. As hurtful as he has been to you, you now have all the answers that you need and don't need to focus on him any longer.

There is very likely to be someone else in your future but it doesn't seem as if the time is right just now. Get ready for that and put this man out of your thoughts.

[SilkThreads]

Its not a case of pride taking a bashing.

It is that I have gone back to an abuser from before, after 30 years, and a lot of counselling, and not been able to run when he started again.

I have spoken to my counsellor, from years back, and she is horrified.

I don't think I will ever trust myself again.
Certainly I wont ever try another relationship.

I feel shame and despair.

[SixthSenseless]

Oh, SilkThreads, so, so hard on yourself.

You have nothing, nothing to be ashamed of. We are listening, and we do not hear anything In You that warrants shame.

So sad about your embryos, of course that would take you down. The end of a story, an idea, a longing.

And he offered you an escape fantasy, and because the present reality was so bleak, you took it.

But you knew it was a fantasy, and you would have broken it, too. You know you wouldn't have involved your children, you knew he was ignoring facts, making stuff up (or maybe admitting to past lies - the 'leaving his wife '.

He did his job, he was something to pin your escape fantasy on.

You did no wrong. You are doing WELL. You have lost a stone in weight, brilliant achievement for anyone, and demonstrates your strength and care for yourself. You stuck up for yourself over the parking ticket.

Grieve for the life you once planned, in saving your embryos, but do not beat yourself up over this man.

And: one slip does not mean you have taken the whole landslide.

I wish you every luck: you deserve it.

[Tiredbutnotyetretired]

Wow sixthsense i wish i had a friend like you in my life.
Silkthreads- stop beating yourself up!
We are only human we make 'mistakes' if thats how you see this.
Life will get better in time so cry out your pain then move forward, little steps, wobbly steps, a few side steps or whatever then in time take that big leap into a better, happier future and leave the memories of this man in the dust.
Time is a healer, ive been on a very painful journey myself, time heals.
Look inwards and be thankful everyday for the blessings you do have, but for now, cut yourself some slack and try to relax.

[SilkThreads]

SixthSenseless

I am crying again now.

THANK YOU so much for that kind and compassionate post.

The present reality that day (the embryos) WAS so bleak (and still is in many ways) that, yes, I was totally vulnerable to an 'escape fantasy'. I see that and I think you have hit the nail on the head.

He saw it too. Nasty, opportunist, horrible man.

I have pm'd you, I hope you don't mind. thank you again.

and thank you to everyone else who has posted.

It means a lot right now. I am holding on for dear life!

[user1480843266]

You're doing great. But don't give this man another thought. It's not even about him. That was not reality, that was just a bit of escapism. Your reality is YOU, your family and your health.