Boyfriend lacking confidence in bed

[sammylady37]

Hello folks, I'd appreciate opinions on this. I'm seeing someone new for the last few weeks, we've been in bed together 4 times so far. The issue is his lack of confidence. We're both 37 btw, he's divorced with kids, I've no kids. Anyway, when it comes to the bedroom he is so shy and lacking in confidence. He NEVER takes the lead in ANY aspect of it (apart from the first initiation of foreplay, kissing on the couch which he usually starts, but if I never took the lead we'd stay kissing on the couch all night and never get any further). He's also really quiet, like he doesn't say a word or groan. Now I'm not looking for dirty talk or screams of ecstasy but he's exceptionally quiet. If I say something like "that's nice" or "I love that" or "you're really good at that" etc he will reply "yeah" or "so are you" but it sounds forced and not something he'd say spontaneously. I remember the first time we had sex he said something like "I'm not good at this" and I think that's the issue, he has no confidence in himself. I asked him last night what his favourite position was and he said he didn't know (??!!) then he asked me what mine was. We've only done it in missionary position up to now, so I said that I loved that (which I do) but that I also loved doggy style. He then said that he loved missionary too and followed it up by saying that he'd never done it in any other position. 37, married for 6 years, and only ever had sex in one position? I know also that he's a big guy, 6 ft 4 and broad, with some weight on, and he's afraid of hurting me/being too heavy.

I'm struggling to know how to build his confidence. I absolutely don't want him feeling that he's crap in bed, or that he's inadequate or not enough for me. I don't want to have a big conversation about it cos I think he'll just retreat into himself and end up feeling worse. What stealthy ways could I boost his confidence?

Please don't give me a lecture about how if im comfortable enough to have sex with him, I should be comfortable enough to discuss it with him. Im comfortable discussing it, it's just his confidence I'm concerned about.

[NotTheFordType]

Is it possible his marriage was to someone with a very low sex drive, and he's kind of lost the ability to initiate because his XW told him off for pressuring her for sex? Also if he was turned down frequently I would think that would affect his confidence a lot.

Maybe next time you could just say "I fancy it from behind tonight, how about it?" You might open his eyes to a whole new world!

[ravenmum]

Maybe claim that you've never tried whatever position before and that you'd like to try it out with him - even if you have been through the whole Karmasutra you can still at least pretend there's something you're not an expert in?

Maybe he was a late starter and has always been with less adventurous partners before. I wouldn't count myself as having a low sex drive but only tried a couple of positions with my ex - he had more experience than me so I kind of left it to him to come up with stuff, only he wasn't very inventive either! Latest partner has more up his sleeve but has joint problems so also rather restricted.

[wherearemymarbles]

I agree with PP. Maybe his wife was once a month with the lights off in the missionary position only type of person or they both had little confidence and didnt experiment.

You can say he is allowed to make the 1st move. And if you want doggy go on all 4's and say thats how you want it. I think you'll have to accept for the next month or so your going to need the confidence for 2!

[BumDNC]

Mine is a little similar in some ways, quiet and reserved but I try to unleash his inner tiger with a lot of eye contact and verbal cues and he is getting more confident. He isn't very good at text flirting (or doesn't want to) so I find it hard to be able to build tension that way, and I think he's quite respectful of me as a woman so doesn't want to do the whole caveman routine. If I want to move position then I just kind of suggest it mid way and then move myself - he's not going to say no. You might need to take more of a lead sometimes but in the sense of you are showing him what are good boundaries, what you like and what is ok.

Also when you say those things to him during sex they aren't questions, they are your observations - he has nothing to answer back, so to get an answer you need to ask him 'does this feel nice?' 'What would you like me to do?'

[BumDNC]

I suggested we do one position by the way I don't think he ever had and now he suggests it to me. So it can work!

[candybar007]

Teach him, open his eyes for him.

[sammylady37]

Thanks to all of you who've answered. I think you're right that he doesn't have much experience and in his marriage sex wasn't very frequent/fun. My problem is thst I'm not very confident either but I'm gonna have to fake it for now to boost his confidence I think! Or else tell him we're both on a learning curve, which is true. I'm going to go for doggy style next time, and see how we get on. My worry about that is that his big belly and my not insubstantial arse will make it awkward, but we can only try!!

[BumDNC]

You might need to just find good angles that's all. Try putting your bum in the air and your top half kind of lying down. On all fours the whole time isn't the best angle for me

[NotTheFordType]

You perch on the edge of the bed, get him to stand up behind you. I've found this is the best position with men with big bellies. I also have a massive arse and it's never been a problem in this position! You might need to adjust your kneeling "depth" depending on his height and the height of the bed. If you lower your shoulders you'll probably find it easier. Look up "yoga extended puppy pose" and go for something similar, but without the arms extended.

[sammylady37]

Thanks very much for those tips! I'm looking forward to the next night already 😊
I'm hoping that with time and more sex together he'll grow in confidence

[ravenmum]

Hmm, think I might need to shift some furniture in my bedroom and buy a different bed...

[Joysmum]

We don't lack confidence but we occasionally take turns to have refresher sessions where we agree the other is to take the lead and direct the other on what they'd like. It helps to remind us what's good and stop us getting into a rut of predictable sex. It's good to know you are pleasing your partner and good the next session to then be pleased.

[TwoGunslingers]

Have a similar problem with DP (32) been dating for over a year, and have not yet done the deed. He's fine with hands and oral (from me but not him) but as soon as it comes time to get to it the wind goes out of his sails. Im pretty sure he's never had sex before. Love him to bits, but our sex life is essentially non existent. Trying my best to be encouraging but his lack of confidence is becoming a pain. Is it wrong to want to be clubbed over the head and ravaged?

[sammylady37]

Exactly twogun, I'd LOVE him to really take control and ravage me, but he won't take the lead at all. Even when it comes to actual penetration, he won't put it in unless I say to do it, there's no spontaneity. He's good st it when he does it, it's just that he won't initiate at all. I'm insecure enough myself in terms of my ability in bed and wouldn't be terribly confident so the two of us together is not the best combination. I absolutely do not want to address it directly with him lest I dent his confidence further.

[TwoGunslingers]

sammy I feel your pain!!! Finally blurted the problem to a close male friend and he declared that he'd always thought I was the kind who wanted to be punched in the face, surprised we weren't thrown out of the cafe when I burst out laughing. Not quite at that stage, but someone to take the lead would be nice! Friend suggested I blindfold DP and have my way with him before he realises what's happened...I'm tempted except I doubt he'd go along with a blindfold...and also maybe just hopping on before he can overthink it would be unkind (trying to see it from the other side, if I was nervous and got blindfolded and next thing I knew there he was)

[cloudchasing]

Gunslingers you haven't dtd after a YEAR? Is it worth it?

[Tenshidarkangel]

Try a game of hot and cold.

If he's comfortable with blindfolds, blindfold him and get him to say hot or cold depending on if he enjoys what your doing. Involve oils, lubes, different areas of his body, different areas of your body ect. That way you learn what he enjoys and he learns to vocalize his preferences. Its also a nice foreplay game.

[TwoGunslingers]

cloudchasing that's a good question! I just keep thinking it will get better, things went slow to start anyway so it was probably 3-4 months before things moved to the bedroom (which at one point made me think he was a bit gentlemanly)...he's genuinely lovely, and it's not that he's not interested in sex...just as soon as a condom appears he disappears. I think he's left it so long to pop his cherry that it's just a massive mental thing now, and like OP I'm very aware of knocking his confidence.

[cloudchasing]

I totally appreciate what you're saying, but what about you? If you're looking at long-term with him, which it seems you are, this issue isn't going to resolve itself you know.

[cloudchasing]

Have you talked about it? The only person that needs to confront the issue is him.. it definitely sounds like he needs some sort of sex therapy.

[TwoGunslingers]

It seems so bad to end a relationship over sex, when everything else is good, but it has become such a faff that I've got to the point where I sometimes can't be bothered to start because I know it'll end with an apology, me being unsatisfued and then trying to be cool about it. Do you think I've left it too long to try and do something about it? Sex therapy would probably help, but no idea how I could convince him of that

[BumDNC]

I wouldn't usually advocate this but have you tried getting him drunk, in a kind of wild hedonistic kind of way? I had to really show this side of me to get things moving along. Going out, dancing together, having fun, flirting, drunk fumbling etc is all part of a build up. If you sit on the sofa all night then go up at 11pm like grown ups it isn't very sexy (not saying you do this), or mixing it up in greeting man at door after work wearing not much and making it very clear what could happen next?

These sound like bad porno but it is true that you may need some kind of scene setting for the mood to take things along

[Dakota1]

Try to celebrate any minimal attempt at initiation he makes. Make it feel like a big deal to you (which it probably will be, given his lack of attempt so far) and always congratulate him on a job well done in that regard. You need to invest a huge dose of understanding, if his previous marriage destroyed his sex life, which seems to be the case.

Btw, have you actually discussed this? I think it is a good idea, given the situation. You are old enough to talk openly about it and if you are planning on building something together, he should be honest enough to share a problem. Again, be as tactful as possible and do not openly call it a problem. Just show some curiosity, which is normal anyway.

[NotTheFordType]

Fucking hell Gunslingers.
So you've been with this droopy dick a year, have dispensed countless hand jobs and blow jobs, but have received NOTHING at all from him?

Fuck. That. If he can't keep hard then he bloody well goes down on you, uses toys or any other way of getting you off. Not just shrug and go "oh well" and roll over and go to sleep.

Your problem isn't that he can't keep an erection, it's that he's a bloody selfish arse.