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If you've never known your father...

(30 Posts)
FrenchDucksSayCoinCoin Thu 24-Nov-16 15:52:30

...do you ever think about tracing him? Mostly it's not on my mind at all, but there are times I find myself idly googling for information and wondering whether I want to know more about him. All I know is his name, rough age and that he must be rhesus positive.
I don't want to hurt my mum's feelings by seeking him out, nor do I want to turn his life upside down (nor the lives of his wife and child/ren assuming they exist). For those reasons, I strongly feel that I shouldn't look for him, but I'm not so clear on whether I want to.
It is usually a GP appointment that sets me off with these thoughts, as I don't have a full medical history. I have a recurring thought that he might seek me out if he needs a kidney for himself or one of his 'real' children, for want of a better way of putting it.
In all likelihood, I don't think I'll make any real attempt to contact him, other than periodic google searches. Has anyone been through this and made a definite decision one way or the other?

Notmyweek Thu 24-Nov-16 19:15:04

I haven't been through it myself however I am currently pregnant with my exes baby who he has decided he wants no contact with, I'm already wondering if my son will want to make contact with his father when he's older!
I'm now writing a diary for my son for when he's older, I will give him all the information he needs to find him however I think I'd have to caution him that his dad didn't care then so please understand he may not care when he sees him & personally for my son that would break his heart!

As I'm the kind of person who is very intrigued, I'd want to find my dad & meet him....but would also worry with being rejected...it's a tough situation & I honestly whole heartedly feel for you! Good luck with what you decide op xx

WallisFrizz Thu 24-Nov-16 19:21:57

My dad buggered off when my mum got pregnant. I desperately wanted to meet him in my teens (I was having a bit of a crap time and my mum and I were not getting on) so my mum tried to contact him. She managed to trace him but he still didn't want to know!
Every so often, I think about him and I think I may have found him via google but I have stopped short of doing anything myself, there are only so many rejections one person can take.

Notmyweek...your approach with regard to your future dc sounds very sensible. In my opinion the option of future communication should be left open even if it doesn't work out.

Laska5772 Thu 24-Nov-16 19:30:24

I agree with Wallis .. I did know where my father was until a few months ago , ( I am now not sure if he is still alive - he was in his 90s) . But I never followed up on it.. But all my life i have wondered what he would say to me if I did and if he would have wanted to know me or liked me.. .. ( he would have probably said 'get lost'.. which I why I suppose I never have) .. He did know where my mother was and could have contacted me , so thats why I never did I suppose , being that i thought he would have contacted me if he had wanted to .. -- it does hurt though--

MeganChips Thu 24-Nov-16 19:37:23

I've never known my real father. Him and my Mum split when I was a baby and he never bothered with trying to keep contact up. I've seen him once from a distance, I didn't do anything.

My Mum married my step Dad when I was 4 and he brought me up as his own. We clash like crazy but has always been there for me.

I must admit to being mildly curious at times but not enough to want to trace him.

FrenchDucksSayCoinCoin Thu 24-Nov-16 20:11:04

Notmyweek Such a hard situation for you as well, I agree with what Wallis says about you having the right approach, what he wants to know, when he wants to know. Your son has you which is wonderful. Don't try to make it a secret. My Mum met someone when I was very little, I called him Daddy. He was long gone by the time I figured out the truth and felt so stupid thinking that everyone knew but me.

Wallis likewise in that my parents separated when my Mum was pregnant, though she says it was a mutual decision rather than him buggering off. I also think I may have found him via Google, but he has a fairly common first and last name so I'm by no means sure. Fear of rejection is certainly a huge factor.

Laska it is hurtful, I agree. Mine, I assume, does not know whether the baby turned out to be a boy or a girl, but if he were motivated to find me, I think he probably could. What he would think or say occurs to me too, does this tap into a general wondering about being good enough?

Megan it's great that your stepfather treats you as his own. Mild curiosity feels like the right way of putting it most of the time, occasionally a stronger feeling.

DamePlata Thu 24-Nov-16 20:14:46

Interesting reading this. You worry about whether your fathers might like you but part of their cowardice stepping into a relationship is probably the fear/knowledge you won't like them and they're not worthy of it.

My cousin traced her birth parents and did not like what she found, so when her curiosity was satisfied she decided to leave it there.

Frouby Thu 24-Nov-16 20:18:49

Hugs OP.

I have been in the exact same situation recently. Started a thread about it on here if you want to do an advanced search on my username.

I am 39 and found my dad on fb. I decided not to contact him mainly because I have managed so far without him or any burning desire to know him. Have a look at my thread (i don't know how to do a clicky link) for others thoughts and mine too.

Laska5772 Thu 24-Nov-16 20:43:51

French being 'good enough' is the thing isnt it ? I have never felt good enough , always been the odd one.. ( in fact I have been thought weird for being am the only 'brainy one in the family , what with my university degrees and post grad qualifications)

My DSD has been a fair father to me and was supportive to me throughout my childhood , and he even looks upon me for advice these days ( I'm late 50s and he late 80s) but I know he doesnt think of me as part of his 'real family' ( unlike his son - my younger half brother - ). This was brought home in quite a striking way only recently when he was talking about inheritance issues and when my natural sister turned up again after a long absence from my DMs life ( I started another thread about this only yesterday.. ) .

I think we will always want to know what it could have been ..

Its in lots of ways being the 'ophan child' (even though we werent ophans) isnt it? .. I've only really recently started to talk about this , I suppose because up to now I always thought there might be a chance my real father would want to know me and get in touch.. Now he may not even be alive ( but no one can/will tell me , definately wont in my sisters case -she knew him and i didnt ,and I think she is worried about sharing any legacy from him ) ..

But what do I want? I dont know , i have made a good life and I hope a happy family , I have grandchildren ,.. I suppose its just that longing for the missing link isnt it? For that first man in our life to love us and validate us , I had a series of crap relationships with men who would leave like just like my father did .. , i believe I was just desperate for someone to love me (until i met my DH , who is such a great man , with no 'side ' to him at all)

Perhaps what we should all try and really 'realise' ( andaccept? ) is that if they had wanted to know us, they would, have , and whatever the circumstances were , we have survived and yes, survived well.

Laska5772 Thu 24-Nov-16 20:55:22

Also One of my crap relationships resulted in my DS, and his father left when he was just a few weeks ( just as mine did) ,and now has no contact with him ( DS is mow mid 20s) .. I always wondered how it was I managed to replicate the same thing that happened to me ..

Luckily DS does seems strong and we are very close but I also know he would have liked a good father in his life when he was younger ..

( MY DH and I married when DS and his DD were in their teens although we had been together since the kids were 6 and 3 .They get on fine, but there was a time when it was hard to stick it all together with the kids .. but we have the grandchildren now and DS , DD and the DGCS are are OUR family and thats whats important )

FrenchDucksSayCoinCoin Thu 24-Nov-16 20:56:44

Dame absolutely, the wondering about being good enough goes both ways, am I? Is he? I've had a similar disappointment to your cousin, in finding out more about my stepfather. That has disabused me of any notions of a fairy tale ending.

Frouby Thank you for replying and sharing how to find your thread which I have read, there is so much to think about there. Our stories have similarities, I am one year older than you and it was VSO rather than a kibbutz. The cautionary tales are a lot to think about, but some success too, not enough to be swung by perhaps. You also have better evidence for it being the actual him than I do, ancestry.com rather than fb. I suspect I have this in mind now because Who Do You Think You Are is on, and I had seen trailers earlier in the week. I know half of where I come from. The more important half.

RavioliOnToast Thu 24-Nov-16 21:02:17

I wanted contact when I was younger, curiosity more than anything. Then around 2/3 years ago he contacted me on FB and I realised then that I needed absolutely nothing from this man, he wanted a relationship with me- why? I owe him nothing. he sounds like a cunt anyway

Laska5772 Thu 24-Nov-16 21:11:09

Here.. this is a pathetic but ill say it anyway.. I wanted to be someones special little girl ( like a lot of my friends were) but i never was. I was just the taken - on child on the edge of a re-made family and was expected to be grateful .. (i was 3 when my mother remarried)

There. Utterley Totally Pathetic, but I reckon thats why i had so many crap relationships..

ill go have another wine

I am not proud ..

TheCakes Thu 24-Nov-16 21:12:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frouby Thu 24-Nov-16 21:13:22

I don't watch Who Do You Think You Are for that reason. It makes me think too much about him and my other family.

I made my decision based on everyone else that could be affected by introducing him into my family. My dcs don't deserve to be let down by a 'grandad' that is on the scene and then leaves again. My mum would find it difficult I think. Also my sisters might feel odd about it all.

I am the oldest of 6 and the only one with a different dad. I am NC with the stepdd that brought me up and I never think of them as half sisters but would introducing my dad make me more 'other'? I don't know.

Every situation is different. Best case scenario is you contact him and he is a wonderful father figure. I don't think he could be a 'proper' father after all this time. Worse case scenario is you contact him and he rejects you. Or he is a complete cunt. Or hurts you or your family.

Take a lot of time before you open Pandoras box. At least until after Christmas. If it is still playing on your mind then maybe think about it.

Fwiw i found him on fb on a Saturday night. Picked and worried at it for a couple of days. Decided not to pursue it then forgot all about it. It's only this thread that made me remember.

So it obviously isn't that important to me.

WeAreEternal Thu 24-Nov-16 21:24:08

A friend of mine recent spend a large amount of money to find the bio father she had never met.

Her mother had always refused to divulge any information about him.
She's in her 20's and has just had her first DC and decided to search for him.

After a lot of money and disappointment her mother finally admitted that he doesn't know she exists, they had a brief fling but he dumped her for someone else, was quite cruel and humiliated her so she cut contact, when she found out she was pregnant she was still angry and decided not to tell him.
He didn't even have the decency to ask her himself and sent other people to ask her if 'it was his' so she denied it.
A few times in the first few years friends and members of his family contacted her to ask if the DC was his but she lied and said no.
Not once did he contact her.
TBH I think she was a little hurt that he didn't have the guts to ask her himself.

She told my friend that she heard he moved abroad but refused to tell her his name.

She's really upset about it

FrenchDucksSayCoinCoin Thu 24-Nov-16 21:28:34

Ohh, Laska thank you for such a heartfelt response, I get being the odd one out, though possibly in the opposite direction. I felt like the cuckoo in the nest too (or is that even the right bird? Something along those lines). My family is amazing, I am somehow 'other'. I am black and white pictures while they are in technicolour. I was treated as that special girl by my grandparents, who filled the gap (and more) that my father left. Moving forward seems like the important thing, I suspect I am trying to look back and pick up some invisible thread. Your own family is definitely the best focus.

Ravioli thank you for somehow making me laugh. I really hope mine doesn't want a kidney, I owe him nothing either.

StarOnTheTree Thu 24-Nov-16 21:39:30

When I see dads with their little girls my heart breaks for my DD. I know she's got me but she should have a dad who dotes on her but the fact is that she's only met him twice and she doesn't remember one of those times.

I keep the lines of communication open so that they can be in contact if they both want that but contact is very minimal, a card every few years sad and I give DD all the information she asks for if I can.

Laska5772 Thu 24-Nov-16 21:41:13

French thanks. .. I have a glass of wine now!! I did think about counselling recently esp after the sister returned , but MN and wine will do as long as i dont end up in the Daily Fail smile

Squashberry Thu 24-Nov-16 21:46:33

I really wanted to see my dad growing up but didn't as didn't want to hurt my mothers feelings. By the time I had the guts to admit I wanted to see him, he just died not long before and I'd had no idea he had been ill. Will always regret not meeting him. If you want to just do it! If he rejects you at least you know and at least you tried. As for his other children, you may end up having a relationship with them too or if not you are as much his child as they are x

FrenchDucksSayCoinCoin Thu 24-Nov-16 21:56:50

Frouby I really need not to watch it, cf Long Lost Family, I don't understand why I torture myself with them, those programmes just make me cry which I could do without. There cannot be any 'proper' father now, I am 40 years old. Any fatherly advice is either too late or too unwelcome. I absolutely heed your advice about waiting until new year. In all likelihood I will do nothing then either, I've been sitting on this for years already.

Eternal I am sorry to hear what your friend went through, my mum has at least told me all she can which I think is the kinder route, though it must be hard.

Star you are doing the right thing in keeping lines open, your daughter has nothing to begrudge, you've done your bit and she will always have you whether or not he chooses to step up.

Laska wine for me too, and fail had better fottfsof.

CarbeDiem Thu 24-Nov-16 22:02:00

My real dad left my mum pregnant with me and wasn't interested. His family had contact but not him. I learned who he was when I was around 10 but I always knew he didn't want to know me. If I arrived somewhere he was - he'd leave. He ignored me in the street, didn't speak to me. So I just let it be,
When I was 31 (yes you read right THIRTY- fucking-ONE) he facebook messaged me and asked why I didn't speak to HIM!!! shock
I not so politely told him to FTFO because he wasn't bothered nor interested in me as a child so now as an adult I didn't want to know and i requested he never contact me again.
It honestly doesn't bother me that I never had a dad, my grandfather more than filled that gap but I understand the 'never good enough' feelings. I know now that's where my insecurities subconsciously stem from.

Laska5772 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:09:34

Here are some Unmumsnetty (((hugs))) French (and can I have some back please? )
I am nearley 59 so also way too late for crying over not having a 'Daddy' to love and be loved by ... but do I know what you mean

FrenchDucksSayCoinCoin Thu 24-Nov-16 22:16:19

squash thank you for providing a counterpoint on this thread and I'm so sorry you missed your opportunity to meet your dad, I hope you're okay.

carbe how horrible for you, at least I've never been openly ignored. Sounds like your choice was simplified by his terrible behaviour. Never good enough though, absolutely understand that. We are though.

FrenchDucksSayCoinCoin Thu 24-Nov-16 22:20:38

((((Laska)))) I don't know what to say, keep being special for you.

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