Shall I let him back to live with us?

[20outof20]

A few days ago I found out by text messages (on his phone) that DP he has been sleeping with someone else, I don't care whether it was once or how long it has been going on for. I told him to leave and he did, which I appreciate, he wouldn't stop calling (I've ignored all his phone calls since I told him to leave) now he keeps on texting asking to come round and talk.

I feel devastated and numb inside, him and I got on so well together, we never ever argue. Now I am here thinking, where did I go wrong? What made him want to sleep with someone else? I am just very confused.

We have a 6 year old son together with a life threatening illness (sickle cell anaemia ) he was admitted to hospital a few weeks back because he experienced a sickle cell crisis, I waited a few hours before taking him to hospital, during those few hours I called DPs now EXs phone numerous times, he didn't answer I took DS to the hospital around 5pm he returned my phone calls after 11am the following day, he came straight to the hospital, where he was and why he didn't answer his phone when I called him was not relevant at the time because my main focus was on DS, now I can't help that he was with her during that time.

There was a series of text messages, I can't remember them word for word but the first one was her apologising saying that she is insecure because her dad.

The the other one saying that you can answer your phone to private number but not me followed bye then "please speak to me" and the last one was "one thing I regret is sleeping with you"

By those text messages I am finding it hard to figure out what exactly has been going on between him and the female in question, because it seems more than a one night stand.

Should I let him come back and live with us, just for DS's sake, he also has Aspergers and dad is part of his whole routine, if I do let him back he will think that he is forgiven and we can move on from what has happened.

But I know me as a person I could never get back with him after what he has done, I've got that image in my head of him and other woman and I can't get rid of it.

What are your thoughts please??

[OurBlanche]

Stop double thinking it.

Your DS will adapt to the change.

You don't want to live with your NXDP again, so don't.

He has screwed up your family life. It is done, broken. Work through the wreckage once, rather than allowing him back and stop/starting the process who know how many times!

Be determined. Say no!

Good luck xx

[20outof20]

Thanks OurBlanche what you've said is spot on, but the only one who will be suffering is DS.

[OurBlanche]

That's your double thinking blind spot!

Your DS is going to 'suffer' as he adjusts to a change in his home life whatever decision you make.

You live with a man you now cannot trust, want no real relationship - that will cause a large change to the atmosphere and every dayness of your home life. Your DS will notie and be affected by it!

So your choice must be based on what you want. That way your DS only has to deal with one change but still has a happy primary carer!

[Flisspaps]

It'd be over for me.

[Charlesroi]

Listen to OurBlanche

DS's 'ideal' is a mummy and daddy who love and respect each other. If you get back with this man he won't have that.

[20outof20]

The worst thing is Charlesroi this is just a huge shock to me, I don't want to sound naive or in denial but I know he does love me, we've come so far.

[Squeegle]

What you said about not being able to get in touch with him when you needed him strikes me as really awful. My ex was like this. It shows that he's not putting your DS first

[category12]

He might love you, but he's also capable of fucking someone else.

Do you want to be with someone who fucks other people?

[magoria]

Your DS will slowly adapt.

If you take your ex back and he carries on cheating, maybe leaves again, comes back, leaves again etc then your DS will be more messed up than this one off change.

They are in her opinion in a relationship or she wouldn't be texting she is insecure. What has he said/done to give her this impression or perhaps they really are.

It is not fair on either of you for him to come back and I think longer term it will cause more harm than good.

[BummyMummy77]

He doesn't love you enough to not fool around with other people.

That wouldn't be enough for me I'm afraid.

[BertPuttocks]

I would look at it from the perspective that your ex/DP has effectively destroyed your family's old way of life. There isn't a way to put it back together the way it was.

Instead you can look at ways to build a new way and new routines for you and DS. It will take time to figure out what you want and how to get there but your DS will adapt and get used to things.

(If it makes any difference, I also have a DS with ASD)

[RaspberryOverloadTheFirst]

You don't have to take him back. If he says it was a mistake, just remember that you were trying to contact him in the hours before taking your DS to hospital, and that he didn't actually return your calls until 11am the next day.

So by my calculation, that was nearly 24 hours when he didn't return your calls when you have a child with a life threatening illness. That doesn't seem to be the action of a decent man.

He must know that your DS could be admitted to hospital at any time, and would be well aware that it could be something serious when you were calling him. I don't think he cared.

[20outof20]

I sounded real naive there didn't I? category12. No I don't want to be with someone who cheats

[WhereYouLeftIt]

" Now I am here thinking, where did I go wrong? What made him want to sleep with someone else?"
Please, please, stop blaming yourself. You are not the one who went wrong. Nothing you did/said/didn't do/didn't say made a blind bit of difference. The responsibility lies squarely on his shoulders.

'I'm with RaspberryOverloadTheFirst on his being uncontactable when you have a child with such an illness. That is just a shocking level of selfishness on his part.

As to his texting to come round and talk - best not. It would be confusing for your son, and he might use that to manipulate you into taking him back. If you want to speak with him it would be better to meet him somewhere public (e.g. a cafe) where there are others around and you can walk away if/when he starts talking shit or upsetting you. And only do it if you want to speak with him.

[category12]

You're in shock, it's only been a matter of days and it's very tempting to just try and go back how it was, especially with a sick child to worry about. Pretend it didn't happen, hope to get over it, paper over. That's why I was very blunt.

Just give yourself time and space, don't be pushed into making decisions or even to talking it through on his timetable.

[20outof20]

Thanks ladies, I'm really in two minds now.

[20outof20]

Hi Ladies

Well he has been here tonight, he used his key to get in. When I asked him about the woman in question (I know I shouldn't have but its bugging me out) he said he doesn't want to talk about it, I told him to leave, that's when he got a bit "horrible" and said it is his house so he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to, and that we all make mistakes in life, now he has gone to bed in the spare room, what do I do now?

[20outof20]

????

[magoria]

Well he has shown he doesn't give a shit about you and is just going to do what suits him.

Start the ball rolling legally so that you separate and he has no rights to come into the house if that can be done.

[Charlesroi]

Is it his house? Owned or rented?

If you don't want to get back with him you've got to make it very clear you're no longer together.

[bloodyteenagers]

I would get tested tbh. He has had such little respect for you and your ds, you cannot be certain that he used protection.

[20outof20]

House is owned by him, so I can't exactly make him leave. Magoria I am not ready to start making huge decisions.

[BummyMummy77]

20 can toy live with what he's done? Do you trust him? If he won't leave is there anywhere you can go?

Maybe tell him the kind thing would be for him to leave to collect your thoughts.

He doesn't sound like he cares much about what you think.

[20outof20]

I can't live with what he has done and right now I don't trust him. He is here right now as if nothing has happened.

[DoinItFine]

Nothing has happened as far as he is concerned.

You know some stuff he wishes you didn't know, but he will just brazen that out.