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Don't know what to make of this

(86 Posts)
Hagothehills Thu 22-Sep-16 10:43:04

Sorry, it's long

Been with dp nearly ten years and have almost 3yo DS together. I was training to be a chef when I fell pregnant, he wasn't planned but is loved very much now he's here.

My original plan was to get a job as a chef after I finished my diploma, work for a while and then we would think about babies. As it happens, the baby appeared before the job.

DS is in nursery two afternoons a week and I originally thought that I would go back to work when he started there, thinking I would start in the afternoon and work until late evening, not unusual for chefs, but dp was very negative about this and it never happened.

Now DS is starting preschool in a few weeks, he normally wouldn't until January as that's when he's eligible for the 3 year funding but it's an academy and they take them as soon as they turn 3. It's five mornings a week. I really want to go back to work, only part time so I don't miss out on DS too much, with him at preschool in the morning and wrap around care for when it finishes. So I could work two or three days a week.

Now dp seems dead set against this too. He won't even entertain the idea of a childminder, says it won't be worth the money, if I want to work 'go and do nights in asda'.

I don't want to work in asda. I'm not a shelf stacker, I want to use my bloody diploma and do something I actually really love (I decided to train after working in a busy kitchen and it was the best job i ever had, I actively looked forward to going to work. I've worked in retail and hated it with a passion).

My mum has offered to look after him after preschool two days a week and I haven't spoken to mil yet but I'm 100% certain that if she can mind him she would be delighted too. They both work full time so have to work around that but both dote on ds. I don't mind working two days and an evening, three days, two long days, whatever to make child care doable. But dp is adamant that it won't be doable.

It feels like all he wants me to do is stay at home with the kid and clean the house. Both of my parents worked full time when I was little and still do now so I know it is doable.

Just had quite a nasty argument with dp about this over the phone. He's in work atm. He keeps calling now but I'm not answering because I don't want to be snarled at and sworn at which is what he did when I told him I was looking at childminders. He said 'stop looking at childminders and get the fucking house clean'.

The house is a bit of a state atm because he's just done three nights and I didn't want to disturb his sleep clattering about cleaning in the day and by the time DS was in bed there was really only time for the very basics. I was going to have a good blast of it today while DS is in nursery and I can power through it with no distractions.

Sorry this is a bit rambly! I'm just feeling a bit shaken atm sad

Stormtreader Thu 22-Sep-16 10:52:18

You are more than his maid and childminder! If you want to go back to work then you dont need to ask his permission to do that.
You could "get the house clean" by hiring a cleaner with some of your new wages if you really wanted to.

kate33 Thu 22-Sep-16 10:54:37

What a horrible thing to say to you, no wonder you are shaky. Does he share housework with you at all?
Regards, going back to work, he obviously has a big problem with it. What was he like before you became a mother, I mean did he object to you working, training to be a chef etc? Is he jealous and controlling in other ways? I'm sorry, it just seems weird because you say his mum works so it's not as if this is a cultural thing or anything. Did you ever talk about his views on stay at home mums or anything.

MrsDc7 Thu 22-Sep-16 10:54:56

He's being a dickhead. Don't let him dictate your life to you, you'll only end up resenting him and will never be happy living like this xx

Bertieboo1 Thu 22-Sep-16 10:57:37

What a horrible thing to say. I have just gone back to work part time after DS2. My DH wasn't massively keen but he admitted that it was partly because he doesn't like the children being looked after by someone else (though it's done our eldest so much good with his confidence) and that it will mean him picking them up two days a week. I ignored him grin

SheldonsSpot Thu 22-Sep-16 11:04:48

stop looking at childminders and get the fucking house clean

shock what a twat.

Though I have to say that a typical chef job (all the ones I know anyway) are incompatible with and do impact on family life.

But it seems your DP's concerns aren't about him or your DC missing out on time with you, and are more for selfish reasons.

Hagothehills Thu 22-Sep-16 11:06:51

His mum works now but didn't until he and his sister were both in full time education. I wouldn't be going back for a while yet anyway as we are going away for two weeks at the end of the month and it will probably take around a month for his preschool place to be confirmed, so he likely won't be starting until the middle of November.

Hagothehills Thu 22-Sep-16 11:11:12

I know the hours are unsociable, but my mum is a nurse who had very unsociable hours and my dad worked on the other side of the country for five days a week and they managed to make it work, I had an unusually happy childhood so I know it can be done. Like I said my parents were both full time too and I only want part time but dp is having none of it

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Thu 22-Sep-16 11:14:47

Go for it.

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime Thu 22-Sep-16 11:30:48

Do not give up. Go back to work is my advice.

Luvjubs Thu 22-Sep-16 11:51:18

Go for it. Don't allow him to dictate your career. You worked hard, have qualifications and passion, so do it. If you don't you will resent him.
You are more than a mother and maid. Don't forget it. Yes, he may throw his toys out of the pram (do in talking about), but he will get used to it. You are a partnership, he is not your boss. He sounds quite controlling tbh.

AnyFucker Thu 22-Sep-16 11:53:39

Jesus, ditch the sexist twat

Hagothehills Thu 22-Sep-16 11:56:03

Haha I love you anyfucker you always tell it as it is! He can be a bit sexist sometimes but I'm working on him, he has vastly improved over the years!

lovelilies Thu 22-Sep-16 11:56:42

Maybe he could reduce his working hours to look after DS? He's as much his child as yours.

VimFuego101 Thu 22-Sep-16 12:01:22

If this is 'improved', what was he like before? I think it's always a good idea for people to keep their hand in at their chosen career (even if just a few hours a week) if they want to go back to it eventually, it would be much tougher to find a new job if you'd been out of the workplace for several years.

Hagothehills Thu 22-Sep-16 12:05:34

I've already been out of it for about five years, a year in college and then pregnancy and now DS is three next week so I really don't want to leave it any longer it's already going to be tough to get back in

Precisely lovelilies, if he doesn't want a childminder then he'll just have to apply for flexible working and look after your DS instead - men have exactly the same rights as women. It makes me really cross when childcare costs are only compared to one parent's salary - surely both are paying?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 22-Sep-16 12:06:43

get the fucking house clean
Your response to this should always be 'If you want the fucking the house clean, clean it yourself you nasty shit!'
End of conversation!
Anyway. Get back to work and do it fast.
He'll have you barefoot and pregnant again before you know it.
Get your independence, I have a feeling you are going to need it!
Look into childminders and what ever else you like.
This is your life as well.
You do what you want with it.
I went back to work full time after 3 months.
Many people do.
You've done a good stint at home now.
Time for you again!

ElspethFlashman Thu 22-Sep-16 12:10:28

Well if you're waiting for his permission and blessing you'll be waiting a bloody long time.

He's not your Dad. And you haven't sprung this on him - it was always the plan.

Does he actually like you? Cos it doesn't sound like he's your friend.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 22-Sep-16 12:15:37

My DD is a chef.
She works days in the kitchens in offices!
She worked before that in a school kitchen.
That could work well as you get the school holidays off as well.
Look into that kind of thing first.
There are options where the hours aren't unsociable.
You just have to find them.

GeorgeTheThird Thu 22-Sep-16 12:25:31

Yeah bugger that. Go out to work. Many of us would kill for the family support you have lets hope the bloke shapes up

Sancia Thu 22-Sep-16 12:52:49

I'm feeling shaky at that statement and it's not even my partner! That has genuinely registered in my brain as 'high threat'. If my partner said that I'd fear I'd be hurt physically - it sounds very, very much like a threat. And let's face it. He wouldn't say it to his boss or a work colleague. It's totally unacceptable.

He sounds very frightening. It is coercive abuse to demand, threaten, insist and hint at violence in order to keep a woman in the home and dependant.

"if he doesn't want a childminder then he'll just have to apply for flexible working and look after your DS instead"

Any man that snarled "get the fucking house clean" to a woman isn't fit to care for children.

JamieLannistersFuckButler Thu 22-Sep-16 13:36:15

Hellsbellsmelons suggested school kitchens, I was going to suggest nursing home or something like a National Trust cafe.

Not perhaps your ideal, creative chef role, but if you need different hours...

I know a chef who ran his own business, then went to a Nursing Home and now works for the National Trust.

jeaux90 Thu 22-Sep-16 13:41:59

Go back to work if that's what you want, he is being a twat and one of those dudes who will turn round in a few years and say "you don't contribute " blah blah. It's your life crack on xxx

HuskyLover1 Thu 22-Sep-16 13:44:03

I was also thinking school/college/Uni kitchen. More sociable hours and no child care expenses.

I don't see how your Mum or MIL can help with childcare, if they work full time tho? Be prepared that they may not be able to help for long either. My parents have my nephew one day a week, and they really struggle as they are aging now.

Your DH sounds a controlling though.

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