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Will I be a lonley old cat woman?

(33 Posts)
talksensetome Sun 04-Sep-16 19:26:19

I have been single for about 2 years after a couple of abusive relationships. I have been single very much through choice although had a few fuck buddy situations that I ended when they developed feelings for me.
I decided to date again but ended up with someone very manipulative, controlling, borderline abusive. I had a thread here and people basically said they were terrified for me.
Well I ended it with him but went back a couple of times ( he is hugely attractive and we have amazing chemistry in the bedroom) but he was never able to get his grip back on me completely. I never let my guard down again and didn't let him in. This bothered him hugely as he is used to sweeping in with declarations of love and women being devastated when he leaves again. His dramatic ending of our relationship literally didn't bother me and I just said good bye and shut the door.

Anyway I can see why he thinks I am cold. I admit that I am cold. I am fiercely independent and don't let my guard down or feelings develop. Not just with him, with anyone. Even my long term relationships didn't particularly bother me when they ended.

But he has said and I quote.

You are the coldest woman I have ever met. If you don't learn to let people in your looks will fade and you will be a lonely old cat woman.

Now I don't want a relationship at all and especially not with this man. I am quiet happy on my own, But will there come a point that I will regret not settling down? Will I get old and undesirable and wish I had snagged a man sooner.

Is being cold and heartless really protecting myself or is it just putting off the hurt to be felt in another way further down the line when I regret not letting someone in? (Not him of course, he is a horrible man and wouldn't ever pursue a relationship with him)

I am 30 and I assume reasonably attractive , I don't have any trouble attracting a fuck buddy when I want one so don't get lonely now.

GeneralBobbit Sun 04-Sep-16 19:28:07

You're not cold

You are quite rightly guarded against assholes. Which he was.

He wanted the control. He wanted you to fall harder for him than he did for you.

It's not mutual love or respect, just assholeness.

LoveRosie2008 Sun 04-Sep-16 19:30:48

But cats are nicer than men! There could be worse fates. Tell him to piss off.

You are young you have plenty of time.

FuzzyOwl Sun 04-Sep-16 19:34:06

Cats are awesome little friends. Far, far better to be happy with your cats than unhappy with a partner.

I suspect that when someone comes along who is worth letting your guard down for, you will do so but in the meantime you aren't tolerating those that aren't likely to go the distance.

thegoodnameshadgone Sun 04-Sep-16 19:37:30

Your 30!! He is a tit. You just need to meet someone nice. Easier said than done I admit but he sounds like he will make anyone he meets unhappy

talksensetome Sun 04-Sep-16 19:37:31

I actually prefer snakes and would probably be happy being a crazy snake lady. I am silly to give it a second thought I guess.

pallasathena Sun 04-Sep-16 19:40:02

His ego is bruised and he must make you pay for that...
The truth is you are awesome and he's a twat.

LoveRosie2008 Sun 04-Sep-16 19:41:09

smile

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sun 04-Sep-16 19:43:05

He makes it sound like being a cat lady is a bad thing! Freak. You dodged a bullet OP.

EmmaMacgill Sun 04-Sep-16 19:44:55

Talksensetome You're 30 that's no age!
There is a thread today 'Best sayings or advice give' this is one of them: Better to go alone than badly accompanied.
The man's a twat your well shot of him - that's my advice wink

RubbishMantra Sun 04-Sep-16 19:47:04

You're 30! That's so young.

Take no notice of what this ridiculous man has said. You decide your future, not him. You can be a crazy snake lady and still have a lovely relationship (if you want to) - just not with this twat.

RubbishMantra Sun 04-Sep-16 19:51:21

*...and his remark about "looks fading". Be far more likely to fade when stuck in a miserable, draining relationship.

TheLastRoseOfSummer Sun 04-Sep-16 19:56:27

Wow, you're only 30!

I thought you were going to say you were much older than that, largely because it takes a lot of us a lot longer that 30 to arrive at where you are!!

You're not cold, just because you won't let this man manipulate you. He's saying that because he doesn't understand what is happening with you because you are not responding in the way he is expecting you to so he has to find a way of throwing it back at you and making you out to be in the wrong.

You are not.

There is still plenty of time for you to settle down if that's what you want to do. You don't have to settle with him because he is trying to chip away at your self confidence.

riceuten Sun 04-Sep-16 20:29:03

He's just manipulating you into re-entering a "relationship" with him. He's unused to being "rejected" and that all his lines, his guile and charm don't work on you.

Walk away, there is someone out there for you, on your terms, don't rush into things, let time take its course and stay in control !

trackrBird Sun 04-Sep-16 20:38:28

You did let your guard down, because you've let his manipulative insult in under the radar. And now it's bothering you.

Don't let it. Mentally tell him to take a hike.

Cats are great, he's a pillock, you're 30 and hot. Let it go. smile

talksensetome Sun 04-Sep-16 20:41:38

Thanks all. I think I just had a mini panic that maybe he was right and there was something wrong with me.

He sells the idea of love and loyalty and how he just wants a family of his own and while I do believe that is what he wants, he has this perfect picture of how it should be and it is totally not realistic.

Phew. I will get on with my snakes and start looking for cats ready for when I am old an lonley. Quite fancy a Norwegian forest cat or a Maine coon.

Hissy Sun 04-Sep-16 20:54:08

Ha ha! At 30 you're at your peak!

The comment about fading looks is him projecting and throwing the nastiest thing he can think of at you to hurt you.

It's what HE FEARS. He's the one thing to hook women, out of some desperation to find the one to accept him with all his many flaws and insecurities.

He wanted to own you and control you. You are amazingly strong not to fall for it!

Have you done the freedom programme? Therapy etc?

talksensetome Sun 04-Sep-16 21:29:19

I started the freedom program after my last abusive relationship. I have never actually had a nice normal relationship which is why I stayed single for 2 years.

I will revisit it. I thought I knew it all bit it must have helped because I nipped this in the bud after just 10 weeks compared to 7 years with my violent husband and 5 years with my abusive exp after him

talksensetome Sun 04-Sep-16 21:31:02

It was actually mumsnet that helped me to see him for what he was. I saw into but couldn't accept it. I had a lot of advice sand support on my thread here and although I didn't make a clean break as I should have I withdrew to the point that he gave me up because I am cold and he couldn't control me.

AnotherEmma Sun 04-Sep-16 21:35:58

Well done for ending the latest relationship relatively quickly, and for ending the previous ones too. I think that proves you're much stronger than you realise. <high five>

Did you do the Freedom Programme online or in person? If you can do a course in person you might find it more powerful - you would get the validation and support from other people.

I think you should keep working on yourself, healing from the past and building your self esteem. Try and enjoy being single for a while before dating again.

Oh and get a cat or two, they're wonderful wink

thissismyusername Sun 04-Sep-16 21:37:44

he is trying to hurt you with those words, because he is hurt by your rejection and that you can see through his bs.
I am mad cat lady

talksensetome Sun 04-Sep-16 22:10:48

I think there are worst things you can be than a crazy cat lady eh!

I don't think there is anything near us to do in person.

AnotherEmma Sun 04-Sep-16 22:22:12

Yes indeed, much worse smile

Have you had counselling? If not would you consider it? You can do it face to face or over the phone. Would probably be worth it if there isn't a Freedom Programme near you.

Scuttlebutter Mon 05-Sep-16 00:07:19

I'm 51, and although I'm married, the vast majority of my female friends are single (ranging in age from approx mid 40s to around 70) and for a variety of reasons - some are single, some are divorced, some never married, some gay and not currently in partnerships, and two who are widowed. Please trust me when I say that their lives are brilliant and awesome and the friend who's a widow in her 60s is currently having a rather nice relationship with a younger man. Looking at the rest, I see an amazing collection of friends with a variety of jobs, some run their own business, with loads of friends, active social lives, lots of travel, hobbies, voluntary work etc.

The Crazy Cat Lady label is for the hard of thinking. This man sounds like a fuckwit. And nobody will want to be with a lonely, embittered, miserable old git like him when he can no longer rely on being hot in bed.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 05-Sep-16 00:09:39

This bothered him hugely as he is used to...

His comment was nothing more than a verbal spanking because you would not conform to his template of who, what, when, where, and how he thinks you should be.

It was a speak to the hand moment. Forget about it.

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