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I have feelings for my engaged friend

(45 Posts)
DaisyChain08 Mon 29-Aug-16 13:04:54

As the title says.... sad

I have developed really strong feelings for one of my guy friends. He is in a long term relationship- engaged and has a child. Recently he has confided in me about the relationship and how although he loves her, for the past year or two he has questioned if he is still in love with her and feels he just tries to make it work for the sake of the child.

He has said how he feels comfortable talking to me and enjoys talking to me, he says I'm hilarious and when I've moaned about being single and asked him to set me up with one of his mates he has said none of them are worthy of me...

We have never done anything physical and I don't believe he ever would try but obviously there is an undercurrent of attraction between us.

I know I need to stop my friendship with him. You cant be friends with someone you have feelings for, and if he is confused about his relationship he needs to figure that out on his own. I cant wait around for him. I need to just forget and move on.

How do you move on from someone you want but can't have and can't even tell them you want them?

Runoutoftime16 Mon 29-Aug-16 13:07:30

Another that does not have to get married!

ElspethFlashman Mon 29-Aug-16 13:09:35

How many times a day do you text currently?

How much contact on FB?

TorchesTorches Mon 29-Aug-16 13:10:56

I had been single for ages, but friends with a guy at work with 2 kids and a fiancee who i thought was 'safe'. We used to have a real laugh. Then i left that job and went to another. Saw home shortly before his wedding and he said he was in love with me! Only felt duty towards his fiancee, loved his kids etcetc. I felt awful and had very little contact with him. He was so funny and nice i felt worse about being single. One time i saw him at an event, he said he was trying to work out when to leave her. I didn't see him again, but know he is still married to her 15 years later. What i learned was that he wasn't for me really and cutting contact was best. I am now happily married.

TheNaze73 Mon 29-Aug-16 13:14:56

I think a lot depends on his views on engagement. Some guys will drag out a long engagement, with no real intention of marrying just to appease. Others treat it with the respect it deserves. As it's not legally binding & worth the square root of fuck all legally, he's technically single but, I'd see him as taken, off limits & I think you need an exit strategy

Runoutoftime16 Mon 29-Aug-16 13:18:05

Torches, yes I know of similar. Why do they do this and then get married anyway? Is it because these types of men spout total and utter bull shit all the time to everyone. I'm inclined to think so wink.

SirKillalot Mon 29-Aug-16 13:21:33

You know what you need to do. He is with someone and has a child. Until he becomes single stay away from him before the both of you create a mess.

DaisyChain08 Mon 29-Aug-16 13:35:31

We were messaging everyday for the past few weeks. He said how he 'fights with his head and his heart all the time' and when I've given suggestions on how to improve things.. e.g. get a babysitter, have date nights ect... he says he doesn't know what, if anything will help. But then he says he doesnt think about it too much and just gets on with life day to day and only 'time will tell' only time will tell what?? What are you waiting for?

I bumped into him on Saturday and we chatted, I think I was being flirty and I felt so terrible afterwards. I think he could tell maybe we were playing on dangerous ground and we havent spoken since. I feel frustrated because I know if he was single something would happen with us. But he isnt single and I dont plan on flirting with a practically married man.
I understand how it must be so difficult to end a long term relationship which you have invested so much in and when his fiancee hasnt done anything wrong to him. I know I need to cut contact, it just sucks!
I feel bad for him being in an unfulfilling relationship.... i feel bad for the fiancee because she is with a man who is with her maybe just because of familarity and duty and I feel bad for myself for wanting someone I cant have.

Oh feelings suck!

DaisyChain08 Mon 29-Aug-16 13:36:37

What do you think would trigger someone to end a relationship like that?

daisychain01 Mon 29-Aug-16 13:37:09

Advice would be
Don't see him, and don't even contemplate going out with him if he 'magical' announces that he is now single.

What you know is he's not a loyal or faithful partner, he's on the look out even when he's committed and has a child. So you can expect him to do the same to you when he fancies a change.

EttaJ Mon 29-Aug-16 13:40:29

He will do the exact same thing to you if you get together with him. He sounds like such a good catch. Not.

Buzzardbird Mon 29-Aug-16 13:42:01

I'm sorry but I think he is trying it on.

If he wanted to be single I am pretty sure his partner isn't holding a gun to his head.

If he were genuine (which I doubt), you would be the OW that he left his partner an child for...not a great start to a relationship. He needs to be single for a long while before he starts another relationship.

Nannawifeofbaldr Mon 29-Aug-16 13:47:48

He may be friendly, flirty and a good laugh but I don't think I would have much respect for someone who is either:

Behaving inappropriately while engaged.
Trying to set up an exit affair
Looking for a quick shag with no plans to leave.

How would you ever be able to trust him? His poor DP.

How old is the child?

Runoutoftime16 Mon 29-Aug-16 13:49:42

Yes he needs to show you he is single before anything should happen for everyone all round.

flanjabelle Mon 29-Aug-16 13:54:22

How do you move on? Put yourself in his partners shoes. Imagine how it would feel to have him have a relationship with a female friend that crosses the boundaries and is basically an emotional affair. Feel the pain she would be feeling, feel the despair at her family being torn apart and her sorrow for her child who doesn't deserve any of this.

Once you have had a good think about the pain you and he could cause, step away. Stop contact completely. Then perhaps look at yourself and work out why you are drawn to an unavailable man and why morally you do not find the relationship he is forming with you repulsive and despicable.

And please remember, the way he is acting now is clearly acceptable to him. Even if you started a relationship with him, you would know that he will happily act like this again.

SleepFreeZone Mon 29-Aug-16 13:54:48

This is very common with some people. They don't want to leave their partners, what they want is stability at home and a frisson of excitement outside the house. Some will leave it as flirty banter, some will take it to the next level and have affairs. It sounds like you are both very close, if not already in an emotional affair.

Personally I would get over him by getting under someone else. There's nothing like a good actual relationship to get over a factious one.

toptoe Mon 29-Aug-16 13:56:58

Ok, step back and look at this from another angle. A man engaged and with a child is having relationship issues and doubts. So who is he likely to confide in? Not you, that's for sure. I think he's behaving like a player tbh. 'Confiding' in you is bullshit. He's laying the ground for an affair, and he has no intention of leaving his gf unless what you offer him is better than what he has (and more stress free). He's being dishonest to you and his fiance. And there is a child in the middle of it all.

That's my opinion. It may not be correct, but the very least he's being unfair to his fiance sharing something personal and upsetting with someone else who he's flirty with.

Runoutoftime16 Mon 29-Aug-16 13:58:49

Yes player alert! Tbh I think all in all you will be the one who will get very hurt, stay away.

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Mon 29-Aug-16 14:02:10

He doesn't have to get married. I presume he's the one who bloody asked her.

Stop talking to him. Stay away. I had a male friend who I knew had feelings for me, but I didn't reciprocate. As I became more serious with my now fiancé, I distanced myself from him more and more. It wasn't fair for me to - however unwittingly - keep his hope alive, and it wouldn't have been respectful to my partner to keep the friendship going when I knew how how my friend felt.

Just stop texting back, answering the phone etc. You deserve someone who is all yours - who has chosen you.

M0rven Mon 29-Aug-16 14:04:13

Make new friends
See more of other good friends
Walk away from this guy - he's bad news.

You are in danger of becoming the OW. Daily texts, talking about his fiancée with you- this is all bad news. Just because nothing physical has happened yet.

You are playing with fire. Next thing you will be posting that you're was round at your place and your were drinking together ot ended up in bed, , what a suprise, we didn't mean it tohappen hmm

caffelatte100 Mon 29-Aug-16 14:08:41

OP, you know what you need to do. All the above posts say it better than I do. You are playing with fire. This guy is not good news… He has a child who deserves stability, as does his partner and you also deserve better.

AnotherPrickInTheWall Mon 29-Aug-16 15:00:50

I think he's trying to get his leg over with you OP.
Please stop offering him relationship advice and reduce contact with him.
FWIW if you ever did " get it on", I'm pretty certain he's marry his fiancé anyway.

RaeSkywalker Mon 29-Aug-16 16:20:12

I think you know that you need to drastically reduce, if not cut contact with this man.

I think he's stringing you along, but even if he is 'genuinely' interested- could you ever trust him, knowing the behaviour he's capable of?

orangeistheonlyfruit Mon 29-Aug-16 16:49:42

I think he is a dishonest shit to be honest. The fiancé may think things are brilliant between them and they may be! They don't need you to suggest date nights etc you don't know how they with each other. It suits you imagine him in this miserable relationship and suits him to have yo thinking that, but for all you know they may have a brilliant, close, intimate relationship but this guy he wants to have some on the side too.

The facts are is in love with his girlfriend enough to propose to him and tell her he wants to spend the rest of his life together. Also they made a child together so it's not as if he's in a sexless relationship.

Dissociate yourself from him, he's using you, he's not in love with you.

OreoCat Mon 29-Aug-16 16:52:34

You seem pretty convinced he has real feelings for you and is 'trapped' in his current situation. I woul look at it from the angle that he is the sort to be engaged to someone and be like this with another woman.

Doesn't seem like much of a catch to me.

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